How To Be a Good I-Don't-Caretaker

Five days ago I went to the immigration office with my boss, Professor Jung. We just call him "The Jung" around here. He doesn't know anybody's first names either. It was the second immigration visit this time around. Fourth in total for this year of work. I went there the previous week and after the requisite hour and a half wait was told that I needed to come back with papers from the school. But it was okay because I had expected that. And I got to watch Robocop on the big Samsung LCD screen TV in the waiting room. Along with 5 or 6 kids that really shouldn't have been watching Robocop on the big Samsung LCD screen. The Jung had been told that I would be in and out in one shot and for some reason he had believed whoever it was at the immigration office that had told him. Silly man.

While we drove to the office with the extra papers he asked how things were at the dorm. I didn't want to bring that up because I thought I'd freak out but I surprised myself by telling Jung in a calm manner, (for the fifth time), about the problems I'd been having with the I-Don't-Caretakers and the door. I elabourated and told him the latest story about coming back from a vacation with lots of luggage including my computer and having to struggle half an hour with the door then another half an hour looking for an I-don't-caretaker, then HE struggled with the door for half an hour finally using the knob key which I don't have a copy of and refusing again to give me one when I asked. I also told Jung that the taller I-don't-caretaker was in the dorm the whole time listening to us both struggle with the door and when we finally got it open he said to the small I-don't-caretaker, "Oh. I didn't know it was you."

Immediately Jung called somebody and told them to give me a key to the knob lock on the door. Which I should have had 6 months ago. Which I had asked for many times and was refused and assured that nobody ever locks the knob lock. Hell, I wouldn't have got the key to the deadbolt if I hadn't gone to the I-don't-caretaker's office and asked them specifically for it. They weren't about to bust their asses and walk the 15 steps from their office to my door to give it to me. Because they don't care. It's their job not to care. It's what they do. Although there have been many times when they decided for no aparent reason to walk straight into my room when I was foolish enough to leave my door open. Never do they have anything useful to tell me or give me, like a key, they just want to see me in my gotch. And a few times they HAVE. One time one of them brought some ladies in while I was in the shower. To dust off the fans I think was the reason. And more than once they actually opened the LOCKED door to get in despite my yelling "NO, DON'T COME IN!" But all that's part of the I-don't-caretaker's job too. And after yelling at them frequently, getting Jung to yell at them, putting a sign on my door that says in Korean "DO NOT ENTER", ALWAYS keeping my door locked, and vainly trying to deprogram the Korean knock-and-walk mentality out of all of them, it's now to a point where they only SOMETIMES do that. The other night I was cooking cheeseburgers and one of them came to my door and knocked. He tried the knob but it was locked. I yelled, IN KOREAN "I'm busy." He knocked again. I yelled again. He knocked one more time and I opened the door and pointed at my cheeseburgers. He just looked past me at my apartment a bit then walked away without telling or giving me anything.

So anyway, now I have both keys to the back entrance which puts a damper on all the fun the I-don't-caretakers have when they see me going out on a Friday night and decide to lock the lock I previously didn't have a key to. So what could they come up with at their daily meeting to replace that part of their job? They have daily meetings. They sit at a round table and I suppose these are the points of business they discuss. Aparently my footwear was on the agenda at a recent meeting. I am about 6 steps from a hot and cold water machine, which I often use, and about 10 steps from a washing machine. I don't wear shoes or socks in my apartment unless I'm exercising. (Playing with my Wii). So I usually walk in my bare feet to get water or do laundry. This week alone 4 of the I-don't-caretakers have ordered me to put shoes on. What they want me to do is another part of Korean culture that is programmed into them at an early age and that I'll never EVER do. They want me to crush the heels of a pair of shoes making it an expensive pair of slippers then noisily, (need I say annoyingly noisily?), shuffle the 6-10 steps outside my apartment.

Now you might think I'm being lazy or stubborn. Yes I am. But the real reason I will not do this is because if I asked why this national obsession with shoes, slippers, footwear, and they thought about it for a month the best reason any of them could give me is "just because." Many Koreans have told me that they have several ways to say this in Korean. I even know one of them. And it is mind-boggling how well accepted this is as an answer to meaningful questions. It's a sad part of this culture that I will not adopt. I have been moving into an apartment carrying a fucking giant couch and when the Korean on the other end comes to the entrance he kicks off his shoes for the love of GOD! And then while carrying a refrigerator out he struggles at the doorway to slip his shoes back on. You might THINK I'm only kidding.

So this morning I'm filling my Brita at the water machine in my bare feet and the small I-don't-caretaker says to me, "Mister David." Then turns his head to the side, sucks in some air and says something in Korean about "shin pal", shoes. After being ignored for the appropriate lenth of time he shows me the key he was told to give me 5 days ago. But he doesn't give it to me. Oh no. He goads me into following him in my bare feet, with my now full Brita, like a jackass might follow a carrot to the back door. There's another I-don't-caretaker there in a supply room who orders me to put some shoes on. While ignoring him the small I-don't-caretaker launches into this elabourate display of how to open door locks. Does he demonstrate once? No. Twice? No. I think the guy would have continued all day if had let him. This is the guy who with both keys STILL took half an hour to open the door when I had returned from my vacation and had my luggage outside. And said to me upon entry, "See? No problem!"

I calmly told him I understood the complicated concept of doorlocks in English. Then I told him I understood in Korean. Then I said it a little louder. Finally I say to him "WHY? WHY 6 months? WHY, WHY, WHY?" Then to the other I-don't-caretaker who is still sternly glaring at my bare feet I knock on my head a few times and say, "Crazy!" All in a loud voice but while smiling. Finally he parts with the key and I barefootedly, and noiselessly, convey my key and filtered water back to my room. How much do you want to bet they'll start locking both locks now?

There is a bright side to the story. And if it's for sure, it's bright like hangover sunlight. I haven't seen the tall I-don't-caretaker for quite some time. These I-don't-caretakers don't make the college any money. They are a lot more dispensible than I am. I have had nothing but trouble with the tall guy and before me Kasia had had her share of troubles and possibly even before Kasia the bastard was causing trouble for the foreign teachers. If he has quit or been fired things will be greatly improved around here. If the little key demonstration and possibly the shoe thing was in any way punishment for whatever degree of responsibility I might have had in his removal it was well worth it. I'm hoping and praying.

Don't worry about the tall I-don't-caretaker. With the skills he's acquired during his tenure here he will be a valuable addition to any number of establishments throughout Korea that need employees to do nothing and piss people off. He'll land on his feet I'm sure.