NFL '08

Okay, I figured I'd write about something happier. I think that might be why I like sports: They're always so positive! I mean, we complain about our teams losing, and get upset when coaches or managers make stupid moves but sports can always put a smile on the face of a fan like me. Even when I was cheering for one of the worst team in the league like some of those sadsack Canucks teams with the hockey stick jerseys and the flying V's. They were awful! But you always hope for a miracle like what happened to them in '82. The Canuck run to the finals in 1982 is probably my fondest sports memory even though they lost 4 straight in the finals.

It's like a kick in the groin for me to say this, but they sort of won it on defence. The Canucks were outscored by every team in their division that year except, (speaking of sadsack teams), the Colorado Rockies, but nobody had a lower goals against total. They had some good defencemen but let's face it, this was back when goalies WERE the most important guys on the team and a great goalie like Richard Brodeur could get you places all by himself. He was unconscious the whole year and unbeatable in the playoffs until he met up with Bossy, Trottier, Potvin, Gillies, Tonelli, Nystrom and the boys who once again proved that a really great offense is what wins Stanley's Cup.

I could STILL probably name most of the Canuck players on that team although they wouldn't be nearly as recognizable as the Islanders they played. In fact I remember doing exactly that in lieu of what I was supposed to be doing in grade 9 chemistry class with my partner in crime, Brian Manning. For our loyalty to the Canucks we got kicked out of class for the umpteenth time by Mr. Brown but it was worth it. That was a really memorable time in hockey for me.

This year in the NFL just might be another memorable time. Not for any one team like last year's almost perfect Patriots, but for the crop of amazing rookies that are bringing heaps of offense to the NFL in 2008. For a guy who likes offense this is a banner year! For a guy who plays in sports pools where rookies are cheap and heavily offensive rookies are like gold, it's even better! When low-cost players are at the TOP of the league in fantasy points it unbelievable! But that's what's happening this year. And I'm cashin' in!

I'm in The Sporting News' football pool every year. I do their hockey and baseball pools too. It's a way for me to keep up with real sports even though I can't really watch them over here in Korea. Over a hundred thousand people entered the football pool this year. 100,458 to be exact. I have a team ranked in the top 8% of that. Like 8 thousanth! That's pretty good!

A team in the pool consists of 2 quarterbacks, 2 running backs, 2 receivers and a team defence. If a person had picked all rookies and kept them the same this season he could be winning his pool! That's just crazy! Here's what that team would look like:

QB #1 - Matt Ryan of the Atlanta Falcons. He's replacing maybe the most overrated QB EVER, the dog-hating bastard Michael Vick, so everybody is glad to see him doing well. But he's doing REALLY well since his team was built for the run and really only has one receiver - Roddy White. They're making each other look good.

QB #2 - Joe Flacco of the Baltimore Ravens. Again his stats are more amazing considering he doesn't have any great receivers. Mason is good, Clayton and Heap are at best nice to have. NONE of them are what I would consider valuable football pool players.

Ryan and Flacco are ranked 14 and 15 respectively in the TSN pool ahead of players like Gerrard, Roethlisberger, Bulger and Frerotte. But when you consider that they are MUCH cheaper to buy than any of the players above them, they are up at the top of fantasy QB's.

RB #1 - Matt Forte of the Chicago Bears. He is the number one running back in the league this year and almost nobody knows it! His combined stats are better than Adrian Peterson, L.T., Brian Westbrook, Clinton Portis, etc. AND HE'S A ROOKIE! Absolutely amazing! I don't think he's the best but he's got more points than anyone and he's got a rookie price.

RB #2 - Chris Johnson of the Tennesse Titans. What Johnson has done this year is just as amazing as Forte because he might not be considered the number one running back on his team. If Tennesse used Johnson instead of LenDale White in the red zone he'd have a lot more TD's and better fantasy numbers than Forte.

* I have to say that Felix Jones of the Dallas Cowboys could probably be better than both of the guys above. He's been injured this year though. Plus he's on a passing team and has one of the premier rushers in the game ahead of him in Marion Barber. If I were a team like Baltimore, Indy, New England, Arizona, Cincinatti, geez, almost ANY other team, I'd be talking to the Cowboys about Felix.

WR #1 - DeSean (Fraction) Jackson of the Philadelphia Eagles. He's the number two receiver in the league this year sandwiched between Cardinals Fitzgerald and Boldin. The difference is THEIR QB has been playing well. As much as I like Donovan McNabb he's been average this year. I wonder what kind of number Jackson could put up when McNabb is playing well. We may still see...

WR #2 - Eddie Royal of the Denver Broncos. He'll go over 1000 yards and he might catch 100 passes. Unheard of for a rookie and unlike Jackson whose on a team with NO other receiver who can catch, (Baskett sucks), Royal is on a team with Brandon Marshall, one of the best. Some would say this is an advantage to his performance since DB's are focussing on Marshall, but if you are talking about good receivers, they'll catch balls in triple coverage IF the quarterback throws to them. Luckily Cutler likes to throw and he spreads a lot of passes around between Marshall and Royal, who are 6th and 9th in the league in receptions respectively.

Since I love receivers and since this year is a revolutionary year for them, I'm gonna pick two more!

WR #3 - Steve Breaston of the Arizona Cardinals. People are always talking about the dynamic duo of receivers in Arizona. It's a dynamic TRIO folks! Breaston has caught 60 balls on a team where he is the third option for the ageless wonder Kurt Warner. All three are in the top ten. For this reason Arizona is my favourite team to watch this year. I think second might be Denver and third would probably be the New Orleans Saints with their ALMOST rookie wide receiver,

WR #4 - Lance Moore. Nobody spreads the ball around his receiving corps like Drew Brees. I'm pretty sure I've seen him complete passes to suited up waterboys and position coaches this year. But if he has a go-to guy this season it's Lance Moore. Even though nobody throws more than Brees, Lance is the only receiver from the Saints in the top 70 in receptions. That's just weird.

My fourth favourite team to watch this year has been the worst team by FAR of last year, the Miami Dolphins. They have two almost rookies in Ted Ginn Jr. and Greg Camarillo that I wish Chad Pennington could throw to more often. You know he wants to. But they have to give Brown and Williams a lot of touches. It's too bad cuz Miami likes their passing. I'm not sure Ginn and Camarillo are Clayton and Duper and for sure Pennington isn't Marino, but I think Miami needs to pass more.

Anyway, these young guys are making it worth the fatigue of staying up all night and watching jerky live streams and/or real time updates from 3 AM to noon Monday morning here in Korea. And it's been SWEET having Mondays off this semester!

Check these guys out! They're fun to watch!

What are we saying?

Being a student of the English language I have always been fascinated by how human development can be seen in the words we use and how we use them. But I am even more fascinated when it can NOT be seen. I’ll give you some great examples: The word “communism” has the same roots as words and phrases like “community”, “cooperate”, “communing with nature” and many others that are positive. Yet if someone calls another person a communist, even if the namecaller or the namecalled doesn’t fully understand the meaning of the word, hasn’t read Karl Marx’s Communist Manifesto, and knows little or nothing of the politics associated with the word, you might have a fight on your hands.

Societies have succeeded, even thrived using the principals of communism. The North American Inuit and native peoples depended on communist ideals to survive. And for centuries they did survive despite harsh climate and conditions only to be decimated by the people who are now the greatest proponents of obliterating those ideals. Everything was shared amongst the tribe. When explorers of the north like Martin Frobisher first saw the Inuit people they were amazed at how ownership had no meaning. If a man wanted to hunt he would find a sled and some dogs in the community that were not being used and without asking, take them. The people from whom the sleds and dogs were borrowed would simply assume another person needed them and think nothing of it. Indeed, the people of North America during that time most probably thought that the idea of ownership was against human nature. You can just bet the European explorers took full advantage of this phenomenon! Only the sleds, clothes, tools, carvings, implements, dogs, even people that were “borrowed” from the Inuit communities and brought back to Europe were never returned causing great hardship to the tribes.

Another word that is more recently being demonized by North American speakers of English is the word “socialism.” It’s another word that has its roots in the positive interaction of people. It is good to be a “social” person and bad to be antisocial. Why then is it bad to be a socialist? Well you can’t talk about communism and socialism without bringing up their ugly brother, capitalism. Without question the roots of this word ARE the most negative of the three. If communism and socialism are Adam and Eve, capitalism is the snake. Capital means money, therefore capitalism is “moneyism.” Whereas socialism purports the love of society and communism is based on loving the community, capitalism is the veritable root of all evil: the love of money. It is this brother’s need to exist independent of his siblings, and our inexplicable love affair with this brother in North America that has changed the connotations of the aforementioned words.

If this is the first time you have ever read capitalism being talked about in such a negative way, isn’t that fascinating? I find it fascinating that the word “moneyism” is underlined by a red squiggly line on my computer but if I type “commie”, no squiggly line. But perhaps when one looks at the history of Microsoft, the makers of the program I am using to type this, one shouldn’t be so surprised.

Getting back to the early North Americans, what was it that made it seem necessary for these people, living in harmony with nature and each other, to be so violently taken out? I don’t think it was just their ideas of sharing things. In fact I believe those ideas would have been espoused by European settlers and become a more prevalent part of modern North American life had they NOT excluded the ownership of one thing: people. This is what I believe caused our forefathers to believe native North Americans were primitive, even savage. What an abomination! They did not OWN other human beings. For this they had to be slaughtered.

Don’t think me harsh. The idea of owning people was nowhere near as ugly to Europeans back in the time of Frobisher and other explorers like him. In fact it was an aspect in societies that was thought of as integral to proper order in a country. They didn’t so much as say they owned other people but to a nobleperson a serf was a belonging. Position in life was absolute and it dictated who belonged to whom. Another great example of a word that has changed from negative to positive over the years is the word, “ambitious.” A person who sought to rise above his position was seen to be a challenge to the Lord’s purpose for him to be a servant to, (belonging of), those above him. Read any of the Shakespearian histories. The ambitious are the villainous. But read any resume nowadays and you will find “ambitious” or something like it. Use it when describing a man to a woman and he’ll score points. And this brings me full circle to what I believe the whole matter is about. I don’t believe servitude or slavery was the main bone of contention between Europeans and native North Americans, I think it was more about men and women. Sex. Marriage. Husbands and wives.

Back to Frobisher and the boys. One of the “belongings” that the Inuit people did not jealously guard, but shared amongst the community were women. They weren’t really wives.That implies ownership. They were women. Frobisher and his crew didn’t take the Concorde to Canada. They sailed. The voyage didn’t take hours or even weeks. It took over 2 months to get from England to Baffin Island. The married crewmembers missed their wives. The single crewmembers missed their girlfriends. Although the Inuit women may have been too stout and brown for their taste, hey, any port in a storm… It is well documented in the historical writings of the Hudson Bay Company of Canada that this was another aspect of Inuit culture of which Frobisher and his boys took full advantage! And I don’t blame them in the least because I don’t care how many horn rimmed sea turtles or reticulated garden slugs you can show me who mate for life, let’s wake up and smell the bacon: PEOPLE DON’T! I think the Inuit had it right. And you can bet Frobisher’s boys did too. Until they got back to their wives and girlfriends. THEN the Inuit were uncouth savages!

I’ve sat in a brand new car with less than ten kilometers on the speedometer. I smelled the sweet, new car smell and appreciated the fact that I might have been the first person to ever touch my ass to the velvety smooth seat, handle the instruments, caress the Corinthian leather upholstery, start it up, rev the engine and jolt off the line in an explosion of smoke. I know if I had bought that car, the thrill of sole ownership would have lasted. Maybe a year. Then I would have seen a newer, flashier model and I would look at my car with papers and crumpled coffee cups in the back seat, a dent in the rear left quarter panel, a few scratches and even signs of rust in the wheelwells and I would entertain the idea of trading up. Then after two years I would look at other cars that might not even be as nice as mine. Just different. I’d wonder if I shouldn’t have bought a truck. Or maybe a convertible. I’d wonder what it would be like to drive my neighbour’s car. This is the way we are. And in a capitalist society we are allowed, nay, encouraged to indulge this desire to diversify in every area of life except one: our mates. The very qualities that make a person successful in a capitalist society will make a marriage fail. Yet the institute remains virtually unassailable. This I find absolutely fascinating!

I sometimes listen a bit too closely to love songs just to get a chill at how psychotically acquisitive the lyrics are. Another example of how the development of our culture has changed the things we say and we don’t really notice. The most “romantic” songs of our time say things like “you belong to me and I belong to you” and “every move you make I’ll be watching you.” This sounds more to me like a life sentence than a loving relationship. But it’s ROMANTIC ownership! Oh, well then that makes it okay.

So the next time you watch a news report about the 70 billion dollar American bank bail-out and how “socialist” it was, or hear a feminist talking about her husband or the next time you listen to a song on the radio think about how the words reflect the development of our society. And if you’re really daring, think about whether that is the reflection you’d like it to be.

The Brown Hedged Course

In the spirit, but not the literarily constricting format, of my Saturday sonnets I posted here before, I give you my latest poem. It was inspired by an E.M. Forster short story called "The Other Side of the Hedge". Check that out if you have the time. It's a good one. And it really is SHORT.

The human mind: a mystery itself will never solve
amid the sophistry and horseshit we’re receiving
until we can transcend or spontaneously evolve,
everyone needs something to believe in.

As entertaining as it is to see
a fashionista cite his influences
as amber and fuchsia leaves in gay Paris,
give your head a shake, come to your senses
and you will smell that haute couture is rotten.
Beneath the fashionspeak so droll and funny
is something brightly coloured and partly cotton.
The Emperors’ new clothes are made of money.

At the auction the crowd gasps and hushes.
A hundred forty mil. for some Pollock art.
Not a painting, cloth he used to clean his brushes.
Still in fairness impossible to tell apart.
What Pollock’s life has shown us no one got.
A country’s greatest phony they did anoint.
His tragic life and death just made him hot.
The most priceless Pollock illustration is of my point.

I’ve even heard it said that love,
a prize so pure with value never ending,
was not a jewel sent from heaven above
but from Wall Street to keep consumers spending.
And in the office building at the worksite
we do our duty dispirited and aloof.
And only hope that this rumour isn’t right
keeps us from throwing ourselves off the roof.

This brown-hedged course upon which we are running,
since walking is progressive but it’s slower,
will lead us to our goal with wisdom and cunning,
and when we get there, we’ll just run some more.
But I won’t run with you nor will I even walk.
You go ahead if you want, I’ll be fine.
Someday we’ll meet up again, drink beer and talk.
On a circular course, you can’t leave me behind.

The human mind: a mystery itself will never solve
amid the sophistry and horseshit we’re receiving
until we can transcend or spontaneously evolve,
everyone needs something to believe in.

Battling Appliances II

Just a continuation of the last post. I see the one mistake that I made now. Boy it really helped to take photos of those gauges! It's almost impossible to see them because they're in a really tight spot. So I didn't notice that the gauge I thought was on 27 was actually all the way off. Still, it didn't turn the heater off did it? So it doesn't matter that I made a mistake.
Anyway I just finished work. It's almost 6 o'clock and I have my heater fighting with my air conditioner again. I called Jung, the guy around here who has been burdened with the unenviable task of fielding us foreigners' complaints. He called the Idon'tcaretaker and he immediately came into my room. You know what he did? He threw the breaker switch. Exactly like I had. So I told him it doesn't work and he says to me, I am not kidding, I still can't believe this but, I mean it's one of the crazier things I've heard here and I've heard a lot of crazy things, you are not gonna believe this, he says, "Tomorrow." Tomorrow my heater will be turned off. What? I thought maybe it would take 24 hours to cool down but that would be impossible wouldn't it? I mean I could have a woodstove fully loaded and it wouldnt' take that long. You turn your heater off and it stays on for 24 hours, then shuts off. Just in case? In case, um, you aren't quite sure if you want it off and you'll need a day to decide for sure? What the fuck? I mean really what the friggin' fargin' freakin' fuck? Is there any possible way that this guy isn't just messing with me and doesn't just want me to go through a second night without sleep?

OINK!

that means only in Korea

Battling appliances

If you've ever known someone who has been to Korea and told you that it's not as nice as living at home or not the same or something to that effect, I'm sure like most people you've wanted details. People don't often have an appropriate story they can give you off the top of their heads. It might be that they forget or they force themselves to forget. It might be that they are defensive about saying anything bad about Korea because you might be a person trained to question anything negative he/she might say. It happens. So they might say something like, "Trust me you don't want to know." Or they might say, "It's no picnic," or "There's a reason U.S. soldiers there still get hardship pay." The bent of many a North American is to jump to the completely inaccurate conclusion that people who say these things are just jerks or racists or have trouble coping with change or things that don't fit into their personal comfort zones. Shame on you for thinking that!

One of my more recent pet peeves is when a person with a narrow view of the world jumps right to the defence of a people he/she knows exactly nothing about. It really offends me when people do that to me because from their ignorance they are questioning not only my statements' veracity, but also my judgement and my ability to make reasonable judgements. People often assume your judgements are wrong if they are negative. These are what I will call the "Happiness Nazis". They want to FORCE everybody to be happy.

Now I know I can be a breath of stale air sometimes but believe me, I've tried to fake like everything is honkey dorie and it's just not for me. I feel happy when I can talk about things that piss me off and get them off my chest. It doesn't work for me to ignore them or bury them in make-believe. And I take more and more offence to people who want to force me to.

A recent example: Last night while in my dorm room I heard an announcement at around 6 o'clock PM. I had no idea what it was about of course because it was all in Korean. And the Idon'tcaretaker wouldn't think to walk the 20 steps to my room, KNOCK on my door, and inform me that today is the day the heaters become functional in our rooms. So I should remove anything that might burn, melt or malfunction if it's sitting on a hot heater. No, as I have posited on this blog before, I am pretty damn sure the bastard is enjoying every single one of the petty irritations he causes me. If he liked me or was even indifferent I would have been informed of many of the things that have happened here like when they shut the power off, shut the water off, don't heat the water or change the usual water heating time. They absolutely LOVE not telling me these things.

Okay, okay, I know I've been in Korea a long time and I've got a very low level of speaking and understanding of the language. Again there are good reasons for this but people who want to blame me COULD say that the Koreans are justified in expecting me to understand the announcements. This is what I'm talking about. And I'm gonna sound like a jerk for saying this but you have to know Koreans to fully understand what's going on here. The announcement was not made to help anyone, it was made as a matter of procedure. A rule states that you need to announce these things. It's much like the meetings that took place in cities around Korea this past weekend designed to LOOK LIKE they will help foreigners with problems they might be having in Korea. EVERY single person who is not a native here would LOVE to go to one of these meetings because every person has problems here. I could have gone to see if I could get some money back for the cable internet scam Hanaro Cable in Mokpo ran on me. My friend Kasia was in a taxi accident and has gone through hell with that. There are no avenues in Korea open to foreigners who need help such as this. So why didn't I go to this meeting? Because there was no advertising at all as to where and when it would be. One sagacious person saw an ad in one of the English newspapers about it and told the Gwangju News, a magazine I voluntarily contribute to from time to time. They wanted someone to go to the thing and write something up about it so they sent me the info, but I asked them and even THEY didn't know times and locations. The meeting probably wouldn't have helped any foreigners either. I'm saying that from experience. The ad said there would be lawyers, doctors, immigration professionals and people like that at the meeting. I wonder if any of them spoke any language other than Korean. Again from experience, I doubt it. And as to whether there would have been any help offered to a foreigner who can speak Korean, I'm guessing no. The purpose of this meeting was to have the meeting. That's all.

Say this to a Korean and they'd probably just shake their head and agree with you. Because it happens every day here. There was a message posted at the immigration office that said there would be help offered to any foreigner who has any difficulty finding work in Korea due to the new immigration laws. The sign was in Korean and there have been thousands of people who had a helluva time with the new laws including me. I have yet to hear of anyone being helped.

This is how they do things here. Not just to foreigners either. The same stuff happens to Koreans. It's all smoke and mirrors. The appearance of help, not help. But to tell this to a happiness Nazi whose never known a Korean or been to the country would get me at the very least a stern tsk tsk tsk.

The bottom line is this is not yet a developed country. They are trying their best to make it LOOK developed but it's still what Thomas Friedman calls a "cleptocracy" like surrounding countries like Thailand, Indonesia, Viet Nam, Cambodia, Laos etc. You are pretty much on your own in those countries and you are pretty much on your own here.

So back to my heater problem. I noticed the room heating up just around the time I was heading off to bed. This is not unusual. I actually used my air conditioner the night before last, (October 21st for the love of GOD!), because it was too hot for me. But I got into bed and immediately noticed that the heater right beside my head was on. So I look on the side of the heater. There's a thermostat. I adjust it as low as it goes. But it only goes down to what looks to be about 27. As you can see the numbers go below that but there is no way to adjust it to anything less than what this ridiculously inaccurate gauge shows to be like 27? 28? You be the judge.That's too hot. As you can see, there's a red button on the bottom of the thermostat that says in English "on/off". So I turn that off and go to bed. It just gets hotter in my room. I remember the last time I taught here having trouble with this and somebody told me I had to open up a little door in the side of the heater. Of course this little door is locked and there is no key. Another thing the Idon'tcaretaker "forgot" to give me. So I jimmy it open with a knife. Inside is a fuse switch. I throw the switch and go to bed. It just gets hotter in my room. I get up AGAIN and go back into the little door area where there is another dial. I turn it all the way down. Or at least what any reasonable person would think is down. Toward the side of the smaller numbers. I go to bed again and it gets HOTTER. Evidently 3 is the lowest setting. Lower than 0. And 3 being the absolute lowest is STILL not off!

I'm pissed off now and sweating in my room. I've got the windows open but it's not really cold outside here yet even at night. Cool but not helping my perdicament at all. I notice a plug in the heater and I yank it angrily out of the socket then go back to bed. IT FUCKING GETS HOTTER!!! I swear to God I wake up and turn on my air conditioner! Now I'm sitting here at 6 AM sleepless, sweaty, with my heater AND aircon BOTH running and still no closer to a solution to my problem.

You want details? I give details. These are the kinds of problems that happen all the time all over Korea to everybody. Although I sound like I'm ready to kill someone right now, I'll go through my day today, teach my 5 classes dead tired, slough home to a toasty hot apartment and be happy because I KNOW that this is Korea. And I have this blog and a few close friends where I can write down or talk about my problems. That allows me to deal with them. I wouldn't have been able to last for as long as I have here without that ability. I CERTAINLY would have gone postal by now if I had been running away from all that is not cheery while spreading sunshine to everyone around me.

You think I'm a grumpy old man? Well screw you!

Thinkin' 'bout home

I don't want anybody to get the idea that I'm coming home yet. I can't leave here until I feel it's all been worth it. That'll be a while yet. But having had a long break with nothing to do but think, I DID get to thinkin' on home. And while a fella can wax poetic from time to time, for me I usually end up soundin' like a country music song without the music. Leastaways that's how it turned out on this here occasion. But, tarnation if I done didn't end up writin' down just zactly how I was feelin'! Gives a body peace o' mind to do that.

Goin’ Home

I’m goin’ home
where the guy beside me on the bus won’t fart n’
I can open any friggin’ egg carton.
Where if I want a coloured car I don’t need to paint one.
Where I’m just treated like a foreigner but I ain’t one.
Where a lot of boobs ain’t fake, where bread isn’t cake,
and where a steak is a steak is a steak!

I’m goin’ home
where they have Swiss Chalet not Mexicana.
Where Safeway and Super Valu give a single man a
chance to buy just one tomato, cucumber or banana.
Where goin’ out ain’t a promise or an oath.
Where Saturday I can shake, Sunday I can bake,
and any day of the week I can do both!

I’m goin’ home
where usually it’s only children who are whiney.
Where they make pants big enough for my heiney.
Where NOBODY eats rice at every single meal.
Where superheroes ain’t real, where I don’t hide what I feel,
and I don’t have to bend over to take a shower, chop veggies, kiss a girl, do the dishes, look in the mirror, walk through a doorway, sweep the floor or make a business deal.

I’m goin’ home
where a guy without much hair can get it cut.
Where folks don’t barge on through a door that’s shut.
Where traffic laws are more than just suggestions.
Where education ain’t an unfulfilled obsession.
Where pronunciation perfection ain’t this week’s textbook section,
and where consequently people make better use of an "erection".

I’m goin’ home
where cheatin' is still cheatin' if you ain’t caught.
Where jobs and diplomas aren’t bought.
Where patriotism isn’t thrust upon us,
national pride is personal, quiet and honest.
Where taxi drivers, phone operators, store clerks, customer service, food servers and deliverers, bosses, administrators, translators, and total strangers, I can talk to them!
Where home ain’t somewhere I’m goin’, it’s where I am.

What's in a name?

Names. We all have them but how often do we give them any thought? Well I've got lots of free time these days and when that happens I think about stuff. Rarely important or useful stuff but at least I think. Names are on my mind these days. Have you ever thought about where your name came from? I mean a LONG LONG time ago, who was your ancestor that chose your name and why? Some names are easy to see the source. For instance:

Jobs

People all over the world felt that they could identify with their jobs so much they chose their jobs as their names. The best example is Smith. A person who makes stuff. So a blacksmith should be a black person who makes stuff, right? But names and words can change over time as we will see. Others in this category are Cooper-barrel maker, Baker, Cook, Taylor, Butler, Fisher, Marshall, Barber, Weaver, Carpenter, Hunter and Miller.

Food

We eat every day. Ideally, more than once and not by ourselves. So it's no wonder that food found its way into the hearts of the forefathers who chose our names. Berry, Coffey, Lamb, Bass, Herring, Bean, Cherry, Mayo, Lemon and, of course, Curry and Rice. This is excluding Duncan, Hines, Kraft, Macdonald, Campbell, Perkins, Horton or other names that just remind us of delicious foods.

Nice

Some names were probably just picked because they're so nice to hear like Valentine, Day, Hale, Hardy, Love, Flowers, Frank, Boon, Golden, Gold, Good and Barr.

Wishful Thinking

Some were probably chosen with a little wishful thinking. The forefathers might have been hoping for a little self-fulfilling prophecy when they chose names like Young, Mo(o)re, Freeman, Banks, Rich, Gold, Golden, Cash, Fuller, King, Pope, Prince, Duke, Masters, Newman, Sharp, Smart, Wise, Wiley, (W)right, Strong, Hale, Hardy, Witt, Good, Best and Brewer.

Machismo

Some of the forefathers wanted tough sounding names, or possibly were just trying to make up for shortcomings when they chose names like Powers, Steele, Cannon, Sharp(e), Lions, Wolf(e), Strong, Wilder, Pierce, Lynch, Paine, and Savage.

Random Objects

Some of our forefathers seemed to go with the native North American method of choosing names whereby they just take a look around and name the kid after something they see. Here are a few examples some could probably have looked a little harder: Hall, Reed, Bell, Moss, Poole, Man(n), Marsh, Page, Warren, Webb, Wells, Barnes, and Ford.

Sex

Like eating sex is something we do every day, ideally more than once and not by ourselves. Here are a few names that unfortunately for the families have come to remind us of sex. Some more strongly than others. Parker/Park/Parks, Rogers, John, Johnson, Cummings, Peters, Peterson, Bishop, Wood, Cox, Long, Wang, Hardon, Dick(son), Bates, Bush, Ball, Hancock, Moon, Gay, Cherry, Castro?, Horn, Driver, Jones, Head, and my favourite, May. I had a friend named Tammy May. You'd be surprised how often that got her laid.

Not Nice

Some names make me think that parents didn't like their children. Like: Hicks, Welch, Little, Short, Small, Larson, Burke, Pratt, Fowler, Moran, Neal, Lowe, Barker, Gross, Leach, Moody, Palmer, Grey, or Boyle. And maybe somebody who didn't think much of himself chose the name Simpson. It means son of a dummy or simpleton.

?

I just can't figure these out: Walker, Wade, Graves, Rowe, Cross, (not happy?), Cunningham, (as opposed to a not so clever ham?), Baldwin, (I can tell you the bald don't win much), Warner, (what are we being warned of?), the Warners were probably good friends with the Hydes.

But variety is the spice of life and it's nice to have so many surnames. Here in Korea they only have about 250 surnames. Kim, Lee and Park make up about half the people here. Add Jung and Choi and you can guess the majority of Korean people's names. Names in Korea were originally chosen based on where people were from and being a small country... Believe it or not I've had a class here in Korea where every student's last name was Kim. TWICE! And these were not small classes. Of course they were chosen alphabetically to be in my class but still... it was weird.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could just choose our own names? Homer Simpson chose "Max Powers" as his name. I've heard of several women named Sandy Beach. Red Green is one of my faves. When you start combining given names with surnames the fun begins: Annie Howe, Anita Bath/Goodman/Mann/Plummer etc., Willie B. Hardigan, Tim Burr, Tanya Hyde, Rose Bush, Robin Banks, Polly Esther Taylor, Mike Hunt, Marlon Fisher, Lance Boyle, (ouch), Justin Hale, Justin Case, Herb Rice, Harry + almost all the sex names, Chuck U. Farley, Chris P. Bacon, I.P. Frehley, the list never ends!

I've had some pretty funny names here in Korea too. Bum Suck is pretty common. So is Sue Me. Dong Suck, Ho Suck, You Suck, Suck Min, and it goes on. I had a GORGEOUS girl a long time ago in my Class whose name was Yoon Mi Ae. I will never forget her name cuz I would always think, "You and me eh?" when I looked at her. Then I had a student who told me his name was You. Just You. Usually they have two given names. I didn't want to call him You cuz I would feel rude saying, "YOU! What's the answer." So I asked if he had a nickname. Since his family name was Park and Koreans have trouble with the P and F sounds his nickname was "Fuck You". He told me his dream was to become a minister.

Sometimes Koreans think OUR names are funny too. I had a friend named Kim. That's salted seaweed here. It's also the most common name. None of her students could process that it was NOT her family name. Then she met a guy named Bob. Bob is very similar to the Korean word for "rice". When they make sushi they roll ingredients in rice and salted seaweed and call it "kimbob". I also met a girl named Belinda. In Korean "Pal in da" is a really rude way to tell a woman to spread her legs.

Anyhoo that's what's on my mind right now. It's nice to have leisure.

The Korean Sting (R.I.P. Paul Newman)

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What you see above is the only evidence I have of the latest railroading I've suffered in Korea. I try my best to avoid the ripoffs but there's something in me that either won't let me mistrust all Koreans for the dishonesty of the many who have performed their corporate sodomy on my aching ass then kicked me to the curb just for being nice enough to trust them, or subconsciously I set myself up to take these butt reamings because they give me something to blog about.

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Either way, I was only a tiny bit upset when I went to the bank machine to withdraw money for this long weekend and found my account to be down a couple hundred bucks. These things happen while you're in Korea. It's an occupational hazard. NEVER expect to get the full amount stipulated in your contract because if the people you work for don't cook up some sort of scheme to withhold at least SOME of the money they promised in your contract, they just don't feel like they are being good businesspeople.

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You've gotta roll with this or it'll drive you crazy when they do things like pay you a ridiculously low hourly rate for the first month of your contract because you only worked 28 days of the month; or make you sign an 11 month contract so they don't have to pay severance and still have the gaul to include a phrase in your contract stating that you get a month's severance pay for every 12 months worked; or sometimes they don't even try to be clever, they just don't pay you what you earned. Despite the many and varied screw jobs I've been the victim of over here, or perhaps BECAUSE of them, I no longer get that upset when Koreans rip me off. Maybe that's bad, eh? I'm desensitized.

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The 184,332 won deduction from my bank account was stolen by my former cable internet provider, Hanaro Telecom in Mokpo. It wasn't a con job that I'm unfamiliar with either. It's a business tactic that I think should be illegal and I think I may have posted about it before. The lengthy contract. It might as well be called "The Wire."

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When I was working in downtown Vancouver I joined a gym that cost me $29.95 a month. I ended up leaving the job I was working at, (King George International College), because the Korean owners screwed me. Sigh. So I quit going to the gym. But they told me I was "locked into" a 2-year contract. I looked at what I had signed and even in the little tiny writing there was nothing about 2 years. The guy who showed me around the gym NEVER said anything about 2 years. The onus is on the customer to ask about the length of time he/she is expected to continue buying the product I suppose. And in this way it is absolutely unfair and people should be protected from it. But they aren't. I got nailed by the same scam with my cell phone provider too. It was a bit different. They DID tell me about the length of time I was in the agreement for, then made it absolutely impossible for me to cancel the service. This was 5 years ago I think. My cell phone is STILL in storage in Victoria and probably still functional. I'd hate to see THAT bill! They both got collectors after me and I'm not sure which but one of them actually got a warrant for my arrest sent to my brother. Assholes. I will never pay them.

The Set-Up

But in Korea things are different. A foreigner really has no way to fight against crap like this. I got the cable internet myself because if you remember Mokpo National University gets things taken care of for their foreign teachers but with glacial speed. I am hopelessly addicted to internet so after waiting a couple days for the U. to hook me up, I asked David Morris where he got his and he drew me a map. I went down the next day. A lady who spoke minimal English sat me down, gave me a coffee and went through her spiel. VERY fast internet for an unusually low price. I was paying about 50 bucks a month in Yang Ju before I moved to Mokpo. The deal with Hanaro was much cheaper. I think 20 bucks cheaper!

The Hook

She took me over to a TV that was hooked up to the cable TV service that I would get free along with the internet. It was really high-tech! You could call up a menu on the screen with all sorts of different categories like movies, comedy, news, specials and SPORTS! Then it would list all kinds of events past, prestent or future. Some of them needed extra pay, usually 500 won or about 60 cents. There was pause, rewind, fast forward, things were automatically recorded so if sports take place at 3 am, (which they do here), I could watch them at a more convenient time. And the olympics were just around the corner. The equivalent of Korean Teevo plus internet all at a cheaper rate than usual. I was hooked.

The Tale

The lady sat me down again and mentioned a few of the names of past teachers at Mokpo U. who she had dealt with. I recognized a couple of them as teachers who were still working there. Then she got down to the contract. It was a three-year deal. I told her I wasn't interested but she insisted that I could break the contract at any time with no penalty. I remember spending a lot of time trying to communicate to her that I couldn't understand the purpose of the contract if I could break it penalty-free at any time. Her English was conveniently insufficient to answer my questions about this. She ensured me that many past Mokpo U. teachers were happy with the service. I HAD asked David if it was good and he had had no troubles. So, desperate for internet, I signed. My big mistake was selecting the automatic payment option. The company just took the monthly payments directly out of my bank account. A convenience that turned out to be not so convenient.

The Sting

Everything got hooked up soon after signing. There were a few big bumps in the road though. I immediately noticed that I could no longer use all of the programs that I had been using in Yang Ju with LG Telecom cable internet. I called Hanaro to get a technician to my house to check it out. The guy they sent knew less about computers than I do, (and that's next to nothing). He didn't get the programs working and left my computer permanently messed up. Worse than before he came. A LOT worse. Also after a few days of monkeying with the "Teevo" I realized it was crap. Nothing new was ever recorded. It was the same junk on the harddrive of the cable box I had. So I got them to disconnect that while they were at it. But for 6 months, apart from not being able to use Yahoo programs, I have to say the internet was pretty good.

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Then I decided to move to Gwangju for the job I have now. I called the lady who had signed me to the Hanaro contract and she gave me the number of some other people to call. Those other people spoke much better English. Unfortunately they were able to communicate to me that there would be a 200-dollar penalty for breaking the contract.And you know, I hardly even argued. I never raised my voice and I think I even thanked the guy before hanging up.

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Hanaro Telecom is just one of those companies that makes me wonder if things will EVER change here in Korea. They always talk about being a global economy and they make all kinds of empty gestures to ensure their overseas trading partners that they are complying with international business standards such as sending thousands of accountants back to accounting school to "learn" the international accounting techniques. My experience in the Korean "education" system tells me those accountants learned nothing, they just finished the course. And those techniques probably will not be implemented anyway. But when a big wig from a prospective super-client comes to inspect the company he/she is thinking of doing business with they will be informed that all the accountants finished the course. The "set-up."

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Recently, though, I have seen a ray of sunshine in the business environment of Korea. This is a tremendously NON-letigious society. Nobody sues for anything. Often when there's an accident the parties involved settle things at the site. But there has been a class action lawsuit filed against Hanaro Telecom for giving clients' information to other dirty Korean companies who use stolen, confidential information to spam people with ads about their products. I have had my phone for like 5 years and I had only received spam from ONE company until I signed with Hanaro. Now I get it all the time. Sometimes at 3 am. It doesn't matter to these companies when they spam you. The inconceivable thing is, there have got to be people responding! Right? Otherwise they wouldn't do it.

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Anyway, I sure hope Hanaro gets what it deserves. I heard there's a possibiliy of every Hanaro client getting a million won. That's over a thousand bucks! THAT would be a nad shot! And I hope the companies Hanaro gives people's numbers to get their just deserts too. But my experience with Korean business tells me that Hanaro will just pay a pile of cash to the lawyers who are launching this class action lawsuit and it'll be dropped.

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If not, I'd sure like to know how I can get in on this lawsuit payout! There's really no way for a foreigner to find out things like that. If I got a million won it would really only be 800,000 since they've already stung me for 200,000 but it's the thought that counts.

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I know some of you are probably thinking, "Why didn't you just cancel your account and start a new one so Hanaro wouldn't be able to take the money out of your account?" Well having lived in Korea for as long as I have, I certainly DID think of that! However, since this recent backlash against foreigners rules have been changed at Korean banks that don't allow foreigners to withdraw cash using their bank cards overseas. My bank card was acquired before this racist rule was implemented so it works in Thailand and the Philippines. If I were to start a new account I'd get a card that doesn't function overseas. To keep from dealing with any credit card company, (who are the WORST offenders when it comes to business ethics), is worth a couple hundred bucks to me.

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I don't even want to mention the 201,300 won deduction above the Hanaro theft. You see, I have no receipt for that and I ALWAYS keep my bank machine receipts in my wallet. There have been several incidents like this as well. Some quite recently. I was in I Tae Won and a girl I know there told me to make sure nobody sees my PIN number at a bank machine cuz there had been a rash of recent bank machine thefts. I have no idea how a person would do this but money is the mother of all invention isn't it? Necessity? Nice euphamism Ben! I figure somebody DID see my PIN number that weekend in I Tae Won cuz there were a couple entries in my bank book that I forgot. But somehow I manage to forget a LOT of things when I'm in I Tae Won. It's like the Vegas of Korea in that way.

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I hope some day Koreans all go abroad and get ass burgled by other "cleptocracies" over here in Asia and realize how these con artist business practices make the victims feel. Maybe then things will genuinely change here. But in my eyes while countries like Indonesia, The Philippines, Viet Nam, Cambodia etc. are con men wearing rags in a dirty alley playing the shell game or Three Card with foolish passers-by, Korea is a guy dressed in an Armani suit on an 8 lane super-thoroughfare playing the shell game or three-card with foolish passers-by. I have SO much less respect for the Korean because they don't need to do it. But they still do. I hope Korea finds some way to stop it before the global economy punishes them for it. But my experience in Korea tells me it'll be a hard part of their culture to change.

The weather is cooling, deciduous trees are changing colour, my aircon is resting, Korean oldsters are making for the woods with long bamboo poles to knock down the high-up chestnuts, the doors on the dorm are fixed and I have figured out another riddle of Korea!

Sunday night I was coming back from the grocery store and I spotted the caretaker I yelled at Thursday night. I made my way over to him and appologized for my outburst. He waved it off and in English said,"It's okay. Power drinking!" We laughed. But I THEN said, "However, I need my doors fixed." He said,"Okay, tomorrow. " But I hadn't even finished putting my groceries away when there was a knock at my door and he was there with a new knob. He installed it and unbelievably it had the exact same problem! But while he was installing it I saw him twisting the part at the base of the knob. The ring that covers the hole has a thread to it. Now this guy is like 90 pounds soaking wet. So I gave the base of the knob another half turn and, violin! It works like a charm! Probly coulda kept the OLD knob on. So all this time it was just a lack of elbow grease or the proper tool. huh.

So the mystery I've solved is this: if I want these guys to help me, all I have to do is ask once nicely, wait for a while, yell at them, wait for a while, then apologize and ask a third time. Easy!

Sigh. I'm not gonna pretend my problems are over here. I've got confidence in myself. What I mean is I'm not one of these people who block out the negative or pretend it's not there. I can almost always tell when I'm lying to me. I believe the trick is to own the good AND the bad and have the confidence in yourself that you can figure out a way to deal with it. I think there's a reward for working through the bad that people who run from it never receive. But that's just me. I realize that some people don't like being around me while I'm working through the bad. I sometimes feel like a buzz kill. But I think it's worth it. At least people know I'm genuine. And genuine happy is a thousand times better than fake happy in my book. Besides if I were happy all the time it just wouldn't be as nice to see me happy.

Today I did a lesson in one of my classes in which each student is given a piece of paper and has to draw 3 or 4 pieces of "cave art" relating to their lives. I explain cavemen and cave art. I do myself as an example drawing a "cave" teacher, a cave helicopter a cave plane and a cave hockey player. I explain that I work as a teacher, I once flew a helicopter, I enjoy travel and my favourite sport is hockey. I write on the board things they can make their cave art about such as jobs, hobbies, family, dreams, past experiences etc. I write about 10 sentences they can ask OTHER students about THEIR cave art. I tell them that if they can't think of anything LIE. Draw a cave crocodile and say you were bitten by a crock in Australia. It's okay to lie. I'm supposed to allow 5 minutes but I give them 10 minutes to draw some stuff.

I walk around the room. I see three people who have drawn a cave teacher, a cave plane, a cave helicopter, and a cave hockey player. So I have to explain again individually to them. I see 4 people who have drawn one big picture in very NON-cave style. I explain why they can't do that. I see probably a dozen people who are labeling all their pictures, some in Korean. I give them new pieces of paper. 4 students stroll in at the 8-minute point so I give them papers and another students has to explain the exercise to them. I tell them to explain in English but they use Korean. I check on the new students and one of them evidently had it explained wrong in Korean.

After 25 minutes it looks as though we have most of the students doing the exercise correctly so I give them all a number between 1 and 3 and tell them to remember their number. I tell them that ones make a circle on the left side of the room, twos in the center and threes on the right. Nobody moves. I explain it again with exaggerated gesticulation. A few people move and there is a lot of Korean explanation going on. Whether it's correct or not I don't know. People who I know were ones are sitting with the threes; friends who were right beside each other are STILL beside each other; the threes only have 4 in their group while the twos have 10. So I just randomly tell people to go to group three. Then I get the thousand mile stare. I break out Charade Dave. You- point, go- walk, here- point. Still nothing registers. One of the students begins explaining in Korean. I tell him to stop. This is a huge waste of time if they can't understand this in English. FINALLY everybody is in groups with their cave art ready to go. So I say, "Okay, start." Not a word of English ensues even though I've got every sentence they might need written on the board for them. But there's only a few minutes left in the class anyway so I just let them laugh at each others pictures.

Hey, at least nobody was sleeping! This was a successful class for me! See? I could say stuff like that but I'm pretty sure I'm lying to me. I prefer to think of the fact that these disasters make really fun stories. And really, my job IS sweet! After a few months of this sort of quasi-education I'll be wandering the ruins of Ankhor Wat or golfing the Monkey Course in Pattaya or slurping pho in Halong Bay and thinking, "It's worth it." To me that's both how I work through the bad AND its reward.

Problems at the dorm

When I got this job at Seogang College I was offered a room in the dorm. I had stayed in the dorms here for a year the last time I worked here, (a few years ago), and hadn't liked it so much. There are many disadvantages like hot water only at 7 AM and 7 PM; noisy students; students locked out after curfew knocking on my window and asking me to let them in; stinky drains; really slow internet shared with the students; pretty small room where I can't really entertain guests and so on. There are a few advantages like the picnic tables outside where I can barbecue; the trails behind the school where I can exercise; the fact that I'm 5 minutes from class, (but that can be a disadvantage too when they want you to teach a new class A.S.A.P.); free internet, electricity, gas and cable; living on the first floor where I like it and so on. Here's me grillin' some steak during Chuseok with Alex patiently waiting. Got my greyhound close at hand. (That's vodka and grapefruit juice). It was well into Chuseok I think so the drinking belly was FULL ON!But to me the negatives outweigh the positives so I wanted to look around for apartments before getting here. I did a little bit but it was just impossible for me to get a place without the help of a Korean. I had planned on a week between jobs in Mokpo and Gwangju. During that week I was hoping to find an off campus apartment with the help of someone from the school and move into it. That didn't happen. I had to pick up and move at the last minute so I was forced to stay in the dorms. I was trying to be positive about it thinking about the money I was saving myself, pimping my room with a new fridge and dresser but that positivity is now gone.

I was out watching football with friends at Mike & Dave's last Thursday and when I got home around 5 AM I had to use the back door to the dorms cuz they lock the kids in at midnight. The lock on the back door didn't work. That's twice I've been locked out like that. I tried and tried for about 5 minutes making all kinds of noise but it wasn't gonna open. So I was just angry enough, (and just drunk enough), that I started kicking the steel doors. I booted them a few times and was actually making progress when one of the "caretakers", (who don't take care of anything), came out in his PJ's and let me in the front doors. We went to the back door and it was bent in a V and he asked me what I was gonna do about that. So I kicked it once and it went back into place. Now for SURE they would have to fix the locks, you would think!

After that I told the guy to come with me. He started to go back to bed. I yelled really loudly for him to come with me and so he did. I showed him how my lock on my room door was broken too. When you close the door without locking it sometimes the little plunger that moves in and out when you turn the knob doesn't move in and out. It just stays in the hole effectively locking you out of the room. The only way to open it is to use the key. If you don't have the key on you you're screwed. I often leave my room without locking the door and sometimes without my key to do laundry, get water, pay a pizza deliveryman or something like that. Twice already I've been locked out of my room like that. I had shown the one "caretaker" my door and told him to open it. This was two weeks ago. He tried for a few minutes, turned his head and sucked air in through his teeth a few times and couldn't. I told him it wasn't locked, it was just broken. I said I needed it fixed and he said okay. Now they've been asked nicely once and told not-so-nicely once. For sure the doors will be fixed, you would think!

It's been three days since the latest lock-out and still neither door has been looked at. I tried my key in the back door, (which is now badly bowed so it doesn't seal at the top or bottom), and the lock seemed okay. However it has always been hit and miss. I have a feeling it hasn't been looked at. I know nobody's been to see about MY door.

These are not the only problems I've been having but they are the most dramatic. One time a guest of mine, Minju, shut the door behind her and the knob malfunctioned. I'm not sure but I think maybe Justin was in the room sleeping at the time. He absolutely COULD have been! If we didn't have the keys outside the room I would have been breaking windows. This is a pic of Min Ju and Justin. A bit blurry though.

One Friday night I was out with friends and I came home and opened the door without any trouble. But when I got to my room I noticed my computer was dead. The monitor was okay and the speakers had power but I pushed the buttons to turn on my computer and nothing happened. I assumed there was a power surge and it burnt my power source. I waited all weekend then on Monday I informed the "caretaker" about the problem and asked if he could look up a computer tech. and ask him to come to my room and fix my computer. He understood, said, "Okay, today or tomorrow." That was fine. I thanked him. FOUR days later I got another Korean friend to do it for me cuz the "caretaker" didn't care. Sure enough the power source was blown. It cost me about 50 bucks to replace.

Not even a week later I came home and flashed up the computer. Within a few minutes the screen turned red and I was getting endless virus warnings. The computer was an expensive paperweight for the second time in a week. I didn't bother asking the Idon'tcaretaker for help. I had to take the entire thing to Keumho World and get everything re-installed. Again it cost me money, time and now I have some small problems on my computer I didn't have before because of the software the techy installed.

And when I got here the "caretaker" FORGOT to give me my key to the back doors. After the sam gyup sal meal pictured in the previous post entitled "My first weekend back in Gwangju" I was locked out of the dorms and had to wait a really long time on the picnic table outside in the heat getting massacred by mosquitoes before I was let in. After that he STILL didn't give me a key. I had to ask the other guy for it. He went to a desk in the office where there was a key just waiting for me.

What is going on here? Why the neglect? It goes back to three years ago when I worked here. The Idon'tcaretaker started our relationship off by walking into my room without knocking. I was sleeping and just sat up in my bed and looked at him. He left. The guy did it a couple more times and I told him nicely not to do it. He laughed. Then he came in with some students one time presumeably to show them what the dorm rooms looked like. I told him to get the hell out. He started pointing to a paper and trying to explain and walk by me but I blocked him and told him in a much louder voice to get the hell out. I was in my gotch but they were all males so it wasn't that bad. But still bad. Again he was amused at my reaction. Then finally one day he brought two ladies into my room, (and by then I was locking my door so he had to use his key). They were cleaning the ceiling fans. This time I think I was in the shower. I went up one side of him and down the other and THIS time he wasn't laughing because I think he knew that if he did he would have been pounded into the ground like a tent peg. I emasculated him in front of the ladies. At first the ladies were mildly amused at the bashful foreigner but NONE of them were smiling when I kicked them out and slammed the door. He did absolutely nothing for me after that. But three years is a long enough time to let old wounds heal, you would think!

Evidently not. Of course there's no way to prove it but I think the guy isn't just forgetful or apathetic towards my needs, I think there is still some malicious intent. Because I didn't let him into my room whenever he wanted in. It brings up lots of questions. Does he just walk into the boys' rooms whenever the hell he wants? Wouldn't surprise me at all. And the obvious question: WHY does he do this? Who does he think he is?

If he doesn't walk in on the boys, then why was he walking in on ME? Was it the curiosity that all Korean guys have about foreigners and their big shlongs? I don't go to gyms any more because of this curiosity. It gives me the creeps when other guys time their workouts to end at the same time as mine so we can shower together. I don't know how many times I've had Korean guys feeling me up in the gym either. Not always in the sexual areas but feeling my shoulders or arms or whatever while I'm working out. I don't like that. ANOTHER thing that keeps me fat in Korea!

Anyway, if I don't get in too much trouble for the door kicking incident, I'll be requesting an off campus apartment again. I really don't know why they've got me here. They can put two or three or even four students in my room and with HALF the money for that they could get me a two bedroom apartment off campus. I've looked at some that are pretty decent and they're only 400 bucks a month. Then I could get my own internet and watch live streaming vids that aren't jerky, download at good speed, get my own cable TV with all the sports channels, pay my own gas and electric and shower any time I want AND AND AND I could get a couch, some chairs and actually have parties at my place! Man that would be sweet! The school should go for it since they'd actually MAKE money by doing it and they wouldn't have to worry about doors being kicked in any more. They should go for it. YOU WOULD THINK!

Wow! So far not so good.

Great start for Survivor. Boy was I wrong on some of my calls! But some could still be right.

Ace - Lied about his job. Paloma doesn't like him and Marcus and Charlie think he's digging his own grave by talking too much. But after the very beginning of the show Ace disappeared. Probly see more of his grave digging next week.

Bob - People are liking him. He was building a bench before Koda had a chance to eat but that was just to show everybody his usefulness. And he has been useful.

Charlie - His relationship with Marcus is gonna be fun to watch. I'm not so sure he has no shot either. I called a bi-curious relationship but not between these guys. He also lied about his job. Probly smart. He already reminds me of Todd the flight attendant by how he's playing the game so far. And Todd won.

Corrinne - Surprisingly picked last and picked by Jaque. I think that's why she likes Jaque so far but I still don't think they'll get along. I wonder how long it'll take her to see she's an extra passenger in the Charlie/Marcus alliance and vote one of them out.

Crystal - The track star looked more like a preschool teacher in the foot race. What did she come in second to last? Unreal! Haven't seen her power yet. Gillian picked her first and she was maybe the keenest on voting Gillian out. Just as I thought she doesn't seem to be there to make friends. Seems to think Dan's pretty smart but is cautious of him for it.

Dan - Very interesting so far! The lawyer who doesn't lie! I'll remember he said that. Said he's finding himself during introductions. It might take him a LONG time to find himself if trying to find the idol on Exile Island is any indication. "Cross the lake is a sandy crater" - "Okay," says Dan, "it must be in the lake." He looked for 5 or 6 hours? Did he EVER cross the lake? Doesn't like GC for quitting the leadership role. Wants to be a silent leader. Maybe a blind leader...

GC - Hasn't this guy seen Survivor before? Why would anyone accept the leadership role? Dan and Randy weren't impressed with him. He was the fastest up the hill and right now his tribe needs athletes so he's pretty safe. But he wasn't diggin the diggin. Quit at the challenge, quit the leadership role, he might be a marked man once the dead weight is gone.

Gillian - Could I have been more wrong!?! Even Probst told her to put the cheering into the deep freeze. She thought it was AWESOME the way her tribe kept losing because of her! I didn't think she'd drag them down but she sure did. But in a very positive way. Two mistakes she made: She didn't do anything for Randy's knock on the noggin to show her medical usefulness; and Mrs. Positivity sure didn't sound so cheerful talking about "gum flapping" and blah blah blahing while she's trying to sleep. But I think she was a goner anyway. So I guess she's not gonna be the oldest winner ever.

Jaque - When Kelly picked her I saw visions of the first survivors sent home for blonde on blonde action. But Jaque seems to like Corrinne better than Kelly. Haven't seen much of Jaque yet. Maybe she's just trying to blend. Hasn't yet started her "accidental flirting."

Sugar - She's just cute! Ace picked her to remind everyone he's a photographer. That's the only impact she's had so far. But my favourite scene from episode one was her giggling at the flopping fish.

Kelly - I wonder if Kelly will be invited into the Marcus/Charlie alliance. She's not yet "snoozing" anyone but the only candidates would be Ace, (who chose Sugar and might like her), and Marcus, (who just might plum the depths of his sexuality with Chucky). So maybe she WILL flirt with Jaque. I'm not giving up on THAT call yet.

Ken - Has already impressed his friends by getting a boob flash during the snack he had with Michelle. I think he might have even got some action there if she stuck around. Man that's gotta suck for him! He's doing okay so far but IS viewed as one of the weaker guys on his team. But there WERE a few ahead of him in that area. Now he's gotta be getting nervous.

Marcus - He's 28, a doctor, hot, why IS this guy still a bachelor? Charlie can't figure out why there aren't a million girls jumping all over him. I hope Sugar hits on him. That'd be interesting. Even though Marcus says he doesn't roll THAT way, maybe old Charlie ain't barking up the wrong tree here. This could be REALLY fun!

Matty - So far no disappointment here. He was one of the guys taking breaks during the digging but he's a partier, not a worker.

Michelle - Well she won't get sprayed by any hippo diarrhea. Her bigger problem was VERBAL diarrhea. I don't blame her for calling her team out for slacking during the challenge but maybe a little more tactfully? She was too skinny anyway and I didn't want to see her lose more weight. When the geniuses on her team were trying to start a fire by getting spark off the skull I thought they could probably do better whacking Michelle with the machete. Those same geniuses who were losing physical challenges voted their most athletic girl off first. Dummies. They got it right the second time though.

Paloma - She doesn't like Ace and was laughing at his yoga instruction. I liked that part. She's pretty cute but I don't know if she's got the smarts to win. Too early to tell.

Randy - Yup, liking this guy already. His strategy of letting the other people crash and burn will probably work. I was really impressed when he made the fish hook. That'll score him points with his team too. But being chosen with Gillian and Susie to make the puzzle in the challenge wasn't a vote of confidence from his team. Guess they don't know about his 100 triathlons. He and Crystal really don't like Gillian or anybody really. Maybe that'll draw them together.

Susie - Gotta be the next to go if Fong loses another physical challenge.

Maybe "Koda" means "boobs and butts" and "Fong" means "gumption and guts". I wasn't expecting the teams to be so uneven. But I think once Susie goes Fong will win some challenges. Who will go first from Koda? Ace? Kelly? Paloma? Sugar? I'm still guessing Ace.

Should be fun.

Survivor Gabon

As mentioned in the last post, I'm a huge fan of Survivor. I don't consider it a true "reality" show. In the same sense that Shakespeare called all the world a stage, I think most of the players are just actors playing the roles we play in everyday life. However, I take a kind of peeping Tom pleasure in watching what usually turn out to be real feelings and interactions taking place between survivors and the concept of how a huge chunk of money makes them forget they are playing a game. It's something like the fiendish enjoyment I get out of watching people threatening each other online. I'm not even above fanning the flames a little bit when two idiots start threatening violence against each other from the safety of their comfy computer chairs like anyone is the least bit impressed by their courage. "You're not gonna let him call you that are you?" "Yeah, and furthermore you spelled "decapitate" wrong!" I sometimes even divert their pointless overemo by typing something like, "Why don't you two get a room?" Yeah, I know. Social life is a bit limited for me. But it's kinda fun sometimes.

If we're playing Monopoly and I put a hotel on Boardwalk, you land on it and it breaks you, it doesn't mean I would send you to the poorhouse in real life. If we're playing Chess and I kill your Queen it doesn't make me a murderer in real life. But in every season of Survivor the players, (except for the infamous Johnny Fairplay), always make these alliances and trust people only to have teary-eyed, namecalling fests at the end where they accuse liars and cheaters in a game where lying and cheating are not only "fair play", they are actually good strategy. Since the motto is "Outplay, Outlast, OutWIT" you might even say dishonesty is encouraged!

Because of these alliances, the athletic contestants usually don't fare too well unless they are lucky enough to be in an alliance of their own. The people who work hardest around camp and win all the challenges are usually voted out because they are perceived as a "threat." Just once I'd like to see the most deserving player win Survivor. But it usually doesn't work that way. However, it's a VERY interesting psychological experiment every season to see all the contestants fabricating reasons to vote people off when in the end the real reason every survivor loser gets voted off is not because the others don't want them around, it's because the others don't want to go home. THAT'S another thing I'd really like to see: "Sorry, dude, I just wanted the million bucks more than I cared about whether you stuck around any longer or not." Or I'd really like to see somebody say something like, "Look, only one person can get the million bucks so if the alliance has more than two people, its whole purpose is to eventually screw everyone else." But I think that might take the fun out of the game.

It isn't the people who lie or look in other people's backpacks or steal shoes or whatever who are the Machiavellian schemers, it's the alliance formers. I seem to remember that Rob and Amber were a good example. Amber ended up beating out Rob for the mil. but I think they were intent on being the final two from the get-go and anyone else foolish enough to join their alliance, effectively escorting Rob and Amber to the million bucks deserved to be voted out. It worked. We'll see if we have any two-person alliances this season. I think there are some pretty good prospects for that.

I did this once before on the blog and was pretty accurate about the game playing characters of the participants but was totally wrong about the eventual outcome. Let's see if I can't do better this time, shall we?

Ace - He's a salesman. A former CAR salesman. I once worked at a car lot and every one of the guys there would turn back the mileage on a car they sold their own MOTHER! A perfect candidate to enter into a crafty alliance like the one described above. Unfortunately for him, nobody's gonna trust him. He figures everyone will see him as the arrogant, stuck-up Brit for the simple reason that that's what he is. I'll be interested to see if he just rolls with this and is a conniving scumbag from the beginning. If so I just might vote for him. hee hee hee.

Bob - Physics teacher. Gotta side with the fellow teacher. And he's old, an outdoorsman, a builder and most intriguingly, head of his local teacher's union. If the teacher unions in the States are anything like the unions in Canada, this guy's gonna be tough! However, I happen to know that teaching is not the awesome job in the U.S. that it is in Canada. He says a couple things about himself that make me think he might be kept around till the building's done then turfed: "I'm wicked smart!" and "I'm the oldest one out here." The fact that the second statement is wrong probably shows the first one to be wrong too.

Charlie - Gaydar goes beep beep beep! A lawyer and from what I get on first impression, the token gay guy. Ivy league marathon running LAWYER. I instantly dislike this guy. If the number of lawyers on Survivor is representative of the per capita occupations in America I can see bad things in their future. However, he says he will try to ally, take risks, and not be the best. He wants to win like the last gay guy won, (Todd). Good strategy I'd say.

Corrinne - Has to be one of my early favourites. She's a drug dealer, (pharmaceuticals), and a self-described bitch. Says it's idiotic when reality show people find romance and doubts it'll happen without alcohol or tooth brushes. Said she's only in it for the money. She will say what the others only think. It'll probably get her voted off unless she only says it to the cameras. If THAT'S the case GO CORRINE! My favourite quote of hers was, "I'm gonna be really phony." I think an alliance between her and Ace would be fun to watch. But romance - doubt it.

Crystal - Olympic 4x400 track gold medalist. (2004). Now single mom. Grew up with 4 bros so she'll be tough. Says she'll lie if she has to cuz she'll never see these people again. She's got the athleticism to get her voted off in a hurry and she seems to be the standoffish type who won't ally. But at least she gets to visit "the Motherland." Roll eyes and sigh.

Dan - Another freakin' lawyer! Sounds like he's a rich one too. Triathlete. Are there any lawyers who don't run? Triathleticism will get him voted off faster than Crystal's speed. Nobody wants an excess of slimy lawyers around camp,he doesn't need the cash, he seems boring and he's got a wonky eye. However, he says his Mom, a nurse, is his hero. I think he'll like Gillian and if he doesn't ally with her quick, he'll need the attitude he showed when he said, "If I don't win, at least I've seen Africa." But to ally with Gillian, he'll have to stand in a long line so I think he's out early.

Danny - Former homeless now maintenence man. Loves fishing. Would quit his job to live outside. So maybe he was homeless by choice. He seems to be a loner. He wants to help out but not stand out. Probably needs the money the most. He's a realist and that might put him at odds with the "you can do anything you put your mind to" crowd. Danny and I would add, "if your family has money" to the end of that statement. Maybe Crystal and "GC" will ally because they both dislike everybody else, (and because they're black but I would never say that non-parenthetically).

Gillian - 61-year-old retired nurse. She was a nurse since she was 20. Been to 46 countries, applied for the show 15 times, married to the same dude for 37 years, THIS lady doesn't give up! She IS a survivor by definition. You gotta love her! She'll be very popular no doubt and her S. African accent will just add to her popularity. I think she'll be very little threat to win the challenges but not so bad that she loses them for her team, and it's always nice to have a nurse around in the African bush. She SHOULD go to the late stages and on the strength of her Survivor studying could be the oldest winner ever. She's not in the boobs and butts club but she'll be the chairperson, (rocking chairperson), of the gumption and guts club.

Jaque - She's in medical sales like Corrinne but I doubt they'll get along. I doubt I'd get along with her either. May be the leader of the "anything is possible" crew. Hates people who talk about dreams but do nothing about them. Those would be poor people, Jaque. She works long hours in her male-dominated job. I'm sure her hard work, not her model looks, "unintentional flirting" and solid bod got her as far as she's gone. Could also be the leader of the requisite "girl power" club. I hope she goes early. We'll see.

Jessica - "Sugar" is a pin-up model/waitress at a 50's diner. Finally THAT demographic gets representation! I think she'll be likeable but useless at challenges and maybe dependant on others to carry her along. She expects that to be the case too and says she gets good vibes from Bob and Susie. But I think Bob and Susie will go early. Says she wants to lose her ass. I hope she sticks around long enough to do so. I'll miss her when she's voted off I think. Anyone who names her dog "Major P. Pants" is okay in my book.

Kelly - Her and Jaque are like two peas in the same pod. If they don't hook up for a bi-curious relationship during or after the show I'll be surprised. VERY overconfident in her abilities. The perfect example is the way she says she can "snooze" people. The "I can do anything!" "I'm gonna win!" will get awfully tiresome though. Especially coming from another young, gorgeous blonde with nice tits. But if her and Jaque can get a few more hot chicks to "snooze" the boys into a siren-induced destruction, good for them! It'll make for good viewing. I think the Survivor people always choose some babes for just this reason.

(to) Ken - Gotta have an Asian. A pro gamer. Super Smash Brothers god but a Survivor mortal. His only hope is for people not to notice him. If anybody can't handle the experience I'm guessing it'll be Ken. There are no pixelated tigers, snakes and spiders where they will be. I think the reality of the game show will hit him hard. But he might be tougher than he looks. He just might last long enough to impress a girl somewhere and finally get laid.

Marcus - Hottest bachelor in Georgia as voted in Cosmo. magazine. Doctor and a triathlete. He'll be good at survivor. Probably too good. I think he'll be voted off before he can find an Eve to his Adam. But with all the competitive, airheaded and even misandrist women he'll be out there with, it's probably good news for him.

Matty - Another early favourite of mine. He's a "foolosopher." Has a g/f who loves him, he thinks. Has a dog named Dink. I think Matty and Sugar should ally or maybe even hook up. He's done a lot of socializing so I think he might be able to read people. Surfer so he'll be good in the water. And he seems like a guy folks will like. I like his foolosophy.

Michelle - Music producer. Dad, (best friend), disappeared early in her life. Married and divorced by 19. Boxer, surfer, triathlete. Thinks she's a genius but I don't see it yet. Before show started she already seemed like she was competing with the other girls. Talking about girls reading power books and exercising and how she doesn't want anyone to see her power. That might be a good strategy or it might make people think she's weak. I think she might annoy a lot of people though. But that won't necessarily get her voted off. I don't like her yet but this may change.

Paloma - Student. Missionary parents. African experience. Lived in Kenya for no reason. Wants the mil. to start an orphanage in Kenya. She seems like a genuinely nice girl. AND she's pretty hot! But says she might make a transformation and lie for the show. Perfect plan! Could be ingenious! I can't wait to see what happens. Is lying to win a million bucks to help Kenyan orphans a sin? I don't think so. GO for it, Paloma! Eat the apple. Hoo hoo haa haaa!

Randy - Wedding Videographer? Considers himself ruthless and likes to pick on the weak and the dumb. Everyone disappoints him. A lot of bad defining moments in his life. He wants an alliance but that could be a tough move given his age and personality. I think I am gonna love this guy like I loved Rudy! I REALLY want him and Corrinne to ally and join with fellow dog lovers Matty and Jessica. But that would be too much to hope for. He's been in 100 triathlons! This guy is a a fo lete! He'll be abrasive to some people but I think the smarter ones might like him.

Susie - Hairdresser. Says she's a potty mouth. That's a plus in my book. She'll probably work hard around camp but not be so helpful in challenges. Not a good liar but has a cool gangster-type accent and a personality that'll make her popular enough so she won't have to. Says she WILL lie though. I think that's a bad strategy for her. She might be expendable since everything she has, Gillian has too and there will be more call for medical skills than haircuts. If she lies she's probly gone. But she feels guilty about leaving her family to do this anyway. Could even be one of those who gets homesick enough to quit. So I think she should be sent home early. But might not be.

In summation - GO Corrinne, Matty, Randy and Jessica! GO HOME Jaque, Kelly, Ace, Dan!
First to go - Ace or Dan. Bob if he jumps into leadership mode too early.
Winner - Gillian or Charlie. But I gotta vote for Paloma and the Kenyan kids.

I can't wait to see the first episode!

Live trickling

Greetings brethren and sistren. I'm pretty excited these days. It's not due to any change in the weather because it's still hot and yucky outside here in Gwangju. Actually this is the first year in a long time the weather didn't change right around Chuseok. That was a week ago. I guess this could be chalked up to yer global warming but I'm not gonna panic yet. We might just have a longer than average winter for all anyone knows. OH I hope so!

No, I'm in the same good mood I usually am at this time of the year. The equinoxes always find me more chipper than average due to a couple of things: Sports and TV. They are late March and September, (or maybe early April and October), when the sporting worlds align to create magical times of year every six months for the avid sports fan. Right about now baseball is ready for the playoffs, the NFL has just nicely gotten underway and hockey is just around the corner. In March and April there's hockey playoffs, March madness college basketball and the beginning of baseball season. I only like that slightly less than THIS time of year. That might be because I support a hockey team that is lucky to MAKE the playoffs. More of the same this year for the Canucks by the looks of it. I think they are more worried about the other team scoring on them again this year than they are about trying to score themselves. Doesn't anyone else see the kind of pussy hockey that is? But I like offense in ALL sports. I'd rather lose a high scoring game than win a low scoring game. And I tend to support the teams that share that philosophy. You know, the winning teams.

Last week in the NFL the Dallas 41-Philadelphia 37 shootout was generally agreed upon to be the game of the week. A few might choose the Denver 39-San Diego 38 game but it's not because of the sterling defensive play. Last year was the first time in a LONG time that the defensive leaders won the Stanley Cup. It happens once in a while. Just often enough to make the dumb saying, "Defence wins Stanley Cups" NOT seem as dumb as it is. Usually the teams that win with defence also have a great offence. Detroit was third in that category last year. You see it's hard to get scored on when your team spends 90% of the game on offense. Chris Osgood looked like a superstar last year with his miniscule goals against average but he must have had a boring year. The ice in front of him never needed the zamboni. What I'm saying is defensive numbers are helped by the offence. It doesn't work the other way around. One of the best examples of this, unfortunately, is the Canucks. "The best defence is a good offence." Now THAT'S not a dumb saying.

Of all the sports, (the real ones that is), I think baseball is going in the best direction. Games are higher scoring than ever. They take a longer time and have more action thereby giving the fans more bang for the buck. And now that everyone knows the players are all juiced up steroid junkies and we seem to be okay with that, it's a homerfest every game! 140 lb. shortstops are hitting 30 home runs a year. Check swings are going over the fence. I wouldn't be surprised if soon we see our first "bunt homer." I saw the Dodgers hit back to back to back TO BACK home runs in a game vs. San Diego to come back in the 9th inning from a 9-5 deficit. Then in the 10th inning they won the game - with a home run! Defence is important and I like a good defensive play as much as the next guy but even the best defence, like a perfect game, will never get the fans as revved up as they were at this game. The fans AND the players. It's good for everyone.

Defence is good for the coaches. For some reason we get a lot of has been defensive players who end up being coaches and since they sucked at offense when they played, they force their teams to suck like they did in their day by preaching defence 24/7. AGAIN the Canucks are a good example of this. Alain Vigneault had a cup of coffee in the big leagues. Played 42 games. He got 2 goals and 5 assists. 82 penalty minutes though! Good for him! Is this the kind of guy you want coaching your team? Not me. I want Stan Smyl, Wayne Gretzky, Thomas Gradin or maybe Trevor Linden as the Canucks coach. Guys who know offence. And I want them to preach responsible defence while playing offensively. THEN we'd have something!

Anyway, I'm still happy to have my three favourite sports going on at the same time. (Not to mention golf). And with new live streaming technology it's becoming possible for me to actually SEE these games instead of just listen or watch the real time descriptions of them. Unfortunately, my free internet at the dorm doesn't give me enough bandwidth or speed or whatever to get smooth live streams. I get what is more like a live trickle. But it's better than nothing. This weekend I watched the Ryder Cup golf from 1 am to 8 am Friday Saturday and Sunday. At these times most of the students are sleeping so the internet is better. I didn't watch ALL of it of course but stayed up pretty late watching. And today, (Monday), at 8 in the morning I got up and watched Sunday Night Football. It was a bit jerky, came in and out, the sound was sloppy, (THAT doesn't sound like a normal Monday morning to me!), but it was watchable. I am thinking of paying for my own internet. Then I can get a much better stream. Not sure yet.

And if that wasn't enough to keep me semi-satisfied with my TV viewing, the fall seasons are starting and all my favourite shows will be on again. I already watched the first Ultimate Fighter and think Junie Browning is a shoe-in to win the little guy competition. Unless he gets out of control in the house with the free booze. The Office, My Name is Earl, Survivor, and I'm sure there will be some new shows I like too. All the more reason to get my own internet cuz downloading is much slower here too. I've made a list of what I think of the new Survivor crew. A few interesting characters this time. Not many but it'll still be fun. Maybe I'll post my predictions.

Anyway, other than night hiking, (when it's marginally cooler than the day, but still not cool), that's what's new with me. Last night it was pretty funny. I met two dogs on the path, a white one and a black one. It's pretty dark on the hiking path at night so the dogs just turned around and ran away. I must admit they scared the pants off me too. But my reaction was surprising to me. I didn't say anything, I just brought my arms up above my head like a monster and made myself look big. No wonder those dogs hightailed it outta there so fast. Then I laughed about it although in the back of my mind I was hoping they wouldn't return with a dozen other dogs a la Thailand.

I better get some work done for the short week this week. Two days off for a school festival on Wed. and Thurs. I think they might even extend it to Fri. We'll see. I love this place!

Maslow's Dogs

I was in Pattaya, Thailand not so long ago. I decided to go to the fishing pond and try to catch one of the giant carp they have there. The big ones weren't biting MY hook, (as you can see), but I saw some other guys pull out some large ones. I managed to hook a couple though. Another country I've caught a fish in. So it was worth it.

On the way home I saw a mid-sized dog approaching from a dirt field just off the road. It wasn't running or growling at all. But it wasn't smiling or wagging its tail either. It was stalking like a bobcat in the mountains or a cheetah on the plains. It wasn't yet what I would call emaciated but the shoulder bones bulged behind its face with each step.

You and I know that good guys always prosper, a gentle answer turneth away wrath, you attract more flies with honey than vinegar and so on and so forth. We've been trained to be nice. But I don't think this heathen dog ever read the book of Proverbs or watched a Disney movie. This Asian dog probably hadn't even benefitted from the Confucian ideal of recompensing kindness with kindness or been edified by the Dalai Lama's message that if you want to be happy, practice compassion and if you want others to be happy, practice compassion. I don't think personal enlightenment was high up on this dog's list of things to attain that day. At least it was way below other things such as survival, reproduction, gastric satiety. But why would that deter me? Good triumphs over evil doesn't it? I was going to be so nice to this dog that he'd absolutely love me!

I whistled for the dog and began talking to it in soothing tones. The dog instantly understood that I wasn't the threat it had feared. It understood that unlike the average Thai passerby, I would not treat it as a dog. I was ABOVE that! However, its reaction wasn't quite what I'd hoped for. The change in the dog's demeanor and actual expression was one I will not soon forget. Like the blood curdling, white-eyed, toothy countenance of a person who realizes his foe is defeated and open for the coup de grace, and chooses to deliver that death blow.

The dog, emboldened, came toward me menacingly. I immediately realized that a change of strategy was in order. I think I might have said something silly like, "Bad dog!" The new tone of my voice only caused the dog to pause slightly. Or maybe it was just waiting for the dozen OTHER dogs that seemed to rise from the earth like Aphrodite from the foam of the sea. I was fresh meat. And given the average size of a Thai person, I must have looked like a Thanksgiving turkey to this pack of now charging dogs. I was plumb out of compassion for the dog or any of its cohorts. I turned tail and ran like a cat. Or more accurately like Garfield the cat. But this dog nipping at my heels was odiOUS, but not Odie.

I ran for what seemed a long enough time for the dogs to catch up to me. I ran TOWARDS the busy street, not away from it, (as I had learned the hard way from a similar incident with 15 stick toting teens who attacked me in Vancouver). I feared that I wouldn't reach the highway and could almost feel the first fangs sinking into my ample buttocks. Would this be how I met with my demise? In a dirt field in Thailand? Eaten by stray dogs? Would I be forced to turn and fight for my life? I believe I was one bite away from reverting to the feral state of my adversaries. And in that savage state, could I possibly defeat the dogs or fend them off? These dogs had underestimated me. I was ready to at least take a few of them with me if I was to die in that field. While running at full speed I was desperately searching the field for a stick, a pipe, or a discarded jawbone of an ass when two ladies on a moped swerved off the highway, rode between the dogs and me and gunned the moped motor. This effectively ended the dramatics. The dogs retreated to their VERY effective hiding spots in the field. I mean as mysteriously as they had emerged from the field they melted back into it like Honus Wagoner into the shrubbery of the Field of Dreams.

Winded and still hastily making my way toward the road I waved to the ladies and said, "Khorb koon. Sawhat dee kap." That's thank you and good bye. They waved at me and giggled.

I could launch into a lecture on Maslow's hierarchy of needs here. But the point I want to make is that Maslow, (one of many people who became famous for writing down on paper what I thought was obvious to everyone, (but I think I was wrong)), is only relevant from a position of privilege. Lifelong privilege. It would be as tedious as the gatherings Lord Henry Wotton in "The Portrait of Dorian Gray" despises where the rich debate the virtues of thrift and the idle talk about the benefit of a hard day's work. But, screw it, I'll do it anyways!

While the tiny portion of the world who I would consider to be privileged is striving for things like self-esteem, fame, love, confidence, recognition and FREEDOM, the majority of the world is just trying to stay alive. Things are viewed differently in relation to how far up Maslow's pyramid you find yourself. To me, and I count myself among the privileged, compassion is beautiful. I love campassionate people and I am trying to be a kind person. I have that luxury because I am not worried about food or shelter. But to someone or something living every day on what they can get that day, virtues like compassion, kindness, charity, even love are in other people weaknesses to exploit for personal gain and in themselves stupidity for not exploiting that weakness. If that dog in Thailand was, as I suspect, starving it would have been a supreme act of canine compassion for it to supress the survival instinct of attack. He was not stupid enough to let me pet him and I was stupid for trying, thus giving it the opening it needed to attack.

I don't blame the dogs at all for chasing me. In fact I will be back in Pattaya some day soon. The field of dogs is on the way to a golf driving range I use while I'm there. What a perfect illustration! Next time I'm on my way lugging my thousand dollar golf clubs to the range to drive golf balls in hopes of lowering my handicap and I pass by the starving dogs I think I just might toss a handfull of doggie treats in that field, then run like a bat out of hell. And I probably won't stop being nice to stray dogs no matter what country I'm in.

I don't blame poor people for trying to cheat privileged folks like me either. In fact I sometimes, whether consciously or unconsciously, put myself in positions that allow them to do so. I'm just that nice! Or stupid.

But I'll tell you what real evil is. Evil exists here on earth despite what some believe. In fact it is widespread. You can find it in any country of the world poor or rich. Evil is when people find themselves beyond survival mode, even in positions of privilege and/or luxury at the top of Maslow's pyramid and they continue to employ techniques used in survival mode. If I find out that those dogs are well cared for and fed, I just might feel a desire to go back to Thailand and throw a handful of POISONED doggie treats in that field. They are just bad dogs and it's hard to teach an old dog new tricks. When a dog lives in survival mode long enough it's impossible to lose those instincts. They don't feel right about taking free food because they've fought for every meal their whole lives so they will bite a person who gives them a big juicy steak. These are considered crazy dogs. Not right in the head. Dangerous to humans. Impossible to reform. In a proper society they would be "put down." I saw them attack another guy who got too close too. He fought them off with a golf club for a while and I waved to him and shouted for him to cross the street.

This all happened almost two years ago. I don't doubt that enough people have complained to the authorities by now that the whole pack has been "humanely destroyed." I mean what if a kid were to walk by the field? Or even worse, a TOURIST kid! I hope neither has happened. On the other hand, I hold no ill will toward the dogs.

As for people, they are worse than animals. People have brains, not just instincts. Every day here in Asia I see people lying, cheating, stealing, using violence against each other, NOT for survival but out of pure selfishness. I see that feral, wide-eyed, toothy countenance on people who are signing crooked contracts or forclosing on mortgages or taking over businesses. They might tell you it's in their culture but I'm here to tell you that's a crock! Anyone who uses Sun Tzu's "Art of War" or the writings of Confucious to justify their greed is either selectively reading those writers or hasn't read them at all. It happens with the Bible too and any other source of moral values you can find. There's a difference between stealing a loaf of bread to feed your starving family and stealing a loaf of bread to use as a condiment for your yacht launching party. That difference has been lost in societies all over the world where we willingly suppress what is right in the pursuit of riches. Since it is awfully hard to teach old captains of industry and crooked businessmen new tricks, a proper society would have these mentally diseased individuals "put down." Instead they are given accolades and respect. Even though the top one percent of Maslow's pyramid could easily elevate everyone in the world above the bottom two sections and still remain the top dogs, they not only will not do that but continue to fight for every bit of riches they can get as if it were a matter of survival. Like dogs biting the hand that gives them steak. These are bad people. Impossible to reform. Not right in the head. Dangerous to humans.

But I will go on being nice/weak to people and animals all over the world and I will continue to be taken advantage of. I'm sure it'll be my undoing. But it will be a good death. Or maybe, just maybe, some day the whole world will make it past the bottom portions of Maslow's pyramid and then we will ALL have the luxury of being able to be nice to each other.