I was trying all week to come up with something to follow the previous trinity of entries. Then, as if by divine intervention, (or spiritual punking), it was thrust upon me. I was at work on Thursday and I stepped up to the lectern at the front of the class in room 403 and while putting my briefcase inside noticed a stainless steel coffee mug that had been left by another teacher. I went out into the hall and talked to the only other teacher I could find. I asked him if he had lost his coffee mug. He gave me the thousand mile stare I have become so accustomed to from the students. So I downshifted into studentspeak. "Your, (exaggerated point to him), coffee mug, (sipping coffee gesture). Did you leave it in room 403, (exaggerated point to room 403) ? Still nothing. "YOU, (point), coffee, (sipping gesture), cup? I knew he had to get it this time cuz "coffee" and "cup" are pronounced almost the same in Korean. He still didn't get it. He reached behind him to a stack of paper coffee cups on the desk in his office and offered me one with a questioning noise. So I walked back to room 403 and got the cup. I showed it to him and asked "Your, (point), cup?" He finally understood. He stopped a passing student, who happened to be my best student, whose nickname is Chat Blanche, (which is French for "white cat", I know, (don't ask me to speculate on the processes my students use for choosing nicknames)). The teacher gave the cup to Whitecat and in Korean ordered him to find its owner then smiled at me like he had done something I couldn't have done.
I thanked him anyway. He continued to smile. I looked around. He smiled and lingered. I feigned interest in a poster on the wall advertising an upcoming make-up, hair and nail painting show at the school. He continued to look at me and smile. I was just about to check if my fly was down when he suddenly said, "Do you remember I drive you to bus station?" He had never driven me anywhere before so I said no. He then said, "You are David?" There are 4 ESL teachers at the college where I work. Two of them are named David. STOP naming your kids David people for the love of God! I said, "Oh, you must mean the OTHER David." Then I had a fun time explaining that there are two Davids. Luckily Whitecat was there to translate. So the teacher says, "You VERY resemble!"
The other David is drastically overweight and because of that more than anything, (probably), he has bad knees and walks with a cane. He can't make it up a flight of stairs without stopping to catch his breath and rest his knees. Not only that, he has a full head of RED hair, no beard, and he looks almost nothing like me. I don't claim to be in good shape but at least once a week I go for a 6 km. walk/run, sometimes 2 or 3 times a week! I make it up to the 4th floor every day without stopping. I am NOT as fat as the other David. And I don't much look like him either.
Basically the teacher was saying, "All you honkeys look the same to me." Like Peter from Family Guy when the family is on the lam in Asia town after springing Lois from prison. Did you see that one? There are Korean, Chinese, Japanese signs all over. And Peter is saying, "Hey it's Jackie Chan! Look it's Jackie Chan. What do you know! Jackie Chan!" to every passerby. That scene flashed through my mind. But I was prepared to let it slide. It's the Buddhist temperance I have developed from being here so many years. Things would have been fine if the teacher had left it at that. But Koreans rarely do. He says, "You very resemble! You both fat! Canadian all fat?"
Mantra! Mantra! Find your happy place. Focus on your power animal. The penguin in the cave. I don't think I was doing a very good job hiding whatever you call the "I would like to kill you" facial expression because he immediately said, "Oh not as fat as other David." Day late and a buck short buddy. "Don't you have lessons to plan or students to abuse?" I THOUGHT. I wanted to say it but I have retained some social graces in a country where they are seldom used.
Seojeong College is at the top of a hill, like most colleges in Korea. It takes 5 minutes to walk up or down the hill. David calls a taxi for the trip. Or he gets rides from students. Evidently he had been given a ride by this teacher at one point. I thought of trying to relate that to this teacher but decided to lie and say I had to get to class.
I got home after work and sat on my computer chair in front of my computer to check the hockey scores. I leaned back in my chair and 3 of the wheeled arms of its foundation simultaneously snapped and I was on my ass looking up at my computer from the floor. I am looking up at my computer as I type. I have my easy chair in front of the computer but it's a bit too close to the floor. I feel like a kid who needs a booster seat at the Thanksgiving table.
If you want to see my chair in the trash heap outside my apartment, here are a couple of links: http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r248/davoid13/Picture001.jpg
and http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r248/davoid13/Picture002.jpg
I don't know why but I can't post pictures on this blog any more. I used to be able to but now I can't. Not even from a url. If anyone knows why, please help!!
So, in conclusion, I think I'll go on a 6 k walk/jog. I'm taking this as a subtle message. As subtle as it gets in Korea anyway. See ya later.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Monday, November 13, 2006
Spiritual Punking
Have you ever lost, say, your keys and looked everywhere for them but couldn't find them? You were probably late for something because the odds of something frustrating like this happening increase exponentially with the importance of that which you are late for. I personally don't blame this on the imaginary Mr. Murphy. So you look for your keys under your couch cushions, in the bedroom, in the pants you wore the day before, in your jacket, under the couch cushions, in the bathroom, in the fridge, in the dog bowl, in the plants, under the couch cushions... and they don't turn up. Then, you find them - under the couch cushions. And you stand there and you say, "Okay, this is either God messing with me or I'm on Candid Camera and I don't see Allan Funt's ass anwhere! Nice one God! You nailed me good."
This is just one example of things that happen to me all the time that I know are supernatural. Very annoying things. Not pet peeves like hard to open milk cartons, eardrum shattering TV commercials or that winning combination of thin walls and loudly promiscuous neighbours. I'm talking about things that defy the odds so obviously that you can almost hear some kind of spirit around you laughing its ass off. Do spirits have asses? More intriguingly, do spirits fart? If so, how does it smell? At any rate, after these things happen to me, I try to convince myself to feel good. I think things like this happen to everyone from time to time. We feel anything but blessed while they are taking place, but I think we are blessed!
Let me splain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up: I am convinced that it is the only concrete, measurable influence the Almighty has on my life. While I believe there MAY have been some unseen help in emergencies and maybe even major decisions in my life, I don't think God has bothered with the humdrum of my life in any other way except to mess with me.
Today I did the dishes. I've said more than once that if I die and don't make it into Heaven, I'll be the dishwasher in a room full of mosquitoes in Hell. Probably my two least favourite things in the world. Mosquitoes and doing the dishes. Dishtime is the perfect time for anyone, or any mysterious being to screw with me. Before washing the dishes I had to clean the sink of course. I had left the dishes in the sink all weekend while visiting friends in Seoul. So it was a pretty grimy sink. But there was a Stain. A spaghetti starch Stain I think. This was the mother of all Stains. I scrubbed with a cloth, a sponge a scrubby and steel wool type stuff and it wouldn't come off. If I had had sandpaper, a wire wheel, or a fucking grinder it wouldn't have come off. I'm absolutely positive. I worked up a sweat scrubbing this Stain, talking to myself, cursing, swearing, yelling, and it wasn't even getting smaller! After scrubbing for about 5 or 10 minutes I stopped, threw my head back and said, "I am either on Punk'd or God is messing with me and I don't see Ashton Kuchar's ass anywhere!" He got me again! So I left the stain and did the dishes. Now there is a mark on the sink where the stain was, but the body of it has miraculously disappeared!
We roast people we love and respect. We play practical jokes on our friends. We lie to kids about Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy. We do magic tricks and act like we have special powers. We enjoy keeping secrets from people who are dying to find out. We love scaring people. We have enless humiliating initiation ceremonies. Sometimes we are a little bit cruel to people. Even people we love.
Don't tell me you've never seen someone burning ants with a magnifying glass; tearing the wings off a fly and watching it bounce around; catching 100 fireflies and squashing them all on the floor of a dark room; feeding a dog peanut butter and watching it try to lick it off the roof of its mouth; tying a piece of thread to an unconscious fly's neck so that it when the fly woke up and tried to fly away the thread was like a leash; cutting out one of a fish's eyes and watching it swim in a circle; feeding an airtight seagull a Drano sandwich and watching it explode as it flew away; tipping a sleeping cow; knocking on the glass of a fishbowl so all the fish freak out for half a second; putting a straw down a frog's throat and blowing air into its airtight body so that it was ballooned so much it couldn't swim; or something similar. You may have even tried one or more of the above.
Even though these things can be entertaining and all, you're really glad YOU are not the victim and you can't help feeling A) at least a little sorry for the victim and B) that the person messing with the victim is a bit of an asshole. Or maybe even C) that's so hilarious I'm gonna try it myself.
I think if I were the ultimate Creator I might enjoy teasing my creation and probably being cruel to them sometimes. I remember reading the book of Job and thinking, "What kind of God can be so cruel?" I had thoughts A and (oh the blasphemy!) B. And whether it's Job losing his livestock, home, wealth, family, health, friends, good name etc. etc, or me and my spaghetti stain, I think there is a mischievous spirit somewhere that has been doing stuff like this forever. I take heart in the fact that God tested Job because he was a good man. Maybe these spiritual punkings can be seen as a positive in that way. Bring 'em on! As long as there are paper plates and impregnable bug spray in Heaven, I can take it.
This is just one example of things that happen to me all the time that I know are supernatural. Very annoying things. Not pet peeves like hard to open milk cartons, eardrum shattering TV commercials or that winning combination of thin walls and loudly promiscuous neighbours. I'm talking about things that defy the odds so obviously that you can almost hear some kind of spirit around you laughing its ass off. Do spirits have asses? More intriguingly, do spirits fart? If so, how does it smell? At any rate, after these things happen to me, I try to convince myself to feel good. I think things like this happen to everyone from time to time. We feel anything but blessed while they are taking place, but I think we are blessed!
Let me splain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up: I am convinced that it is the only concrete, measurable influence the Almighty has on my life. While I believe there MAY have been some unseen help in emergencies and maybe even major decisions in my life, I don't think God has bothered with the humdrum of my life in any other way except to mess with me.
Today I did the dishes. I've said more than once that if I die and don't make it into Heaven, I'll be the dishwasher in a room full of mosquitoes in Hell. Probably my two least favourite things in the world. Mosquitoes and doing the dishes. Dishtime is the perfect time for anyone, or any mysterious being to screw with me. Before washing the dishes I had to clean the sink of course. I had left the dishes in the sink all weekend while visiting friends in Seoul. So it was a pretty grimy sink. But there was a Stain. A spaghetti starch Stain I think. This was the mother of all Stains. I scrubbed with a cloth, a sponge a scrubby and steel wool type stuff and it wouldn't come off. If I had had sandpaper, a wire wheel, or a fucking grinder it wouldn't have come off. I'm absolutely positive. I worked up a sweat scrubbing this Stain, talking to myself, cursing, swearing, yelling, and it wasn't even getting smaller! After scrubbing for about 5 or 10 minutes I stopped, threw my head back and said, "I am either on Punk'd or God is messing with me and I don't see Ashton Kuchar's ass anywhere!" He got me again! So I left the stain and did the dishes. Now there is a mark on the sink where the stain was, but the body of it has miraculously disappeared!
We roast people we love and respect. We play practical jokes on our friends. We lie to kids about Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy. We do magic tricks and act like we have special powers. We enjoy keeping secrets from people who are dying to find out. We love scaring people. We have enless humiliating initiation ceremonies. Sometimes we are a little bit cruel to people. Even people we love.
Don't tell me you've never seen someone burning ants with a magnifying glass; tearing the wings off a fly and watching it bounce around; catching 100 fireflies and squashing them all on the floor of a dark room; feeding a dog peanut butter and watching it try to lick it off the roof of its mouth; tying a piece of thread to an unconscious fly's neck so that it when the fly woke up and tried to fly away the thread was like a leash; cutting out one of a fish's eyes and watching it swim in a circle; feeding an airtight seagull a Drano sandwich and watching it explode as it flew away; tipping a sleeping cow; knocking on the glass of a fishbowl so all the fish freak out for half a second; putting a straw down a frog's throat and blowing air into its airtight body so that it was ballooned so much it couldn't swim; or something similar. You may have even tried one or more of the above.
Even though these things can be entertaining and all, you're really glad YOU are not the victim and you can't help feeling A) at least a little sorry for the victim and B) that the person messing with the victim is a bit of an asshole. Or maybe even C) that's so hilarious I'm gonna try it myself.
I think if I were the ultimate Creator I might enjoy teasing my creation and probably being cruel to them sometimes. I remember reading the book of Job and thinking, "What kind of God can be so cruel?" I had thoughts A and (oh the blasphemy!) B. And whether it's Job losing his livestock, home, wealth, family, health, friends, good name etc. etc, or me and my spaghetti stain, I think there is a mischievous spirit somewhere that has been doing stuff like this forever. I take heart in the fact that God tested Job because he was a good man. Maybe these spiritual punkings can be seen as a positive in that way. Bring 'em on! As long as there are paper plates and impregnable bug spray in Heaven, I can take it.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Feelin Haggard and Kinky
For the past few days I have been hearing all kinds of amazing factoids about Ted Haggard being one of the most influencial men in religion today. He has a huge following. His "New Life" church is gargantuan. He's been the head of the N.E.A., (an evangelical Christian group which represents 30 million people), for a few years; he's an active lobbyer in Washington; the subject of many magazine articles and TV interviews; a friend of President Bush... Even though he is powerful and well known, I had never heard of him. Until now.
I can guaran-damn-tee you he's got himself a "new life" now! If you haven't heard, he's been accused of sexual improprieties by his "mansseuse". The guy named "Jones", (eye roll, I won't touch that.), claims to have had drug-aided sexual escapades with Haggard. Haggard claims he DID buy chrystal meth but threw it away. He DID get a massage from the accuser but he didn't do the nasty with him. Well, who are you gonna believe, a middle-aged gay masseuse/hooker or an evangelical minister? That question would have been all but rhetorical 50 years ago. Over the years we've started questioning people we weren't supposed to question. Maybe doubting their honesty.
Aparently now it's unanimous: Jones wins. Of course it's unanimous! What the hell has Jones got left to lie about? I don't know from experience, but I'd guess that a homosexual, middle-aged male masseuse/hooker might be one of the more honest people in this whole crazy world! What I mean is he would be hard pressed to say anything, true or untrue, that would tarnish his reputation or endanger his livelihood. It's easy for him to be honest.
But you take a guy and put him in a position like church leader or politician and now he's got to convince us of his cleanliness. Why do we do that? I think that's weird. Take Clinton as an example. I liked him so much better after the Lewinsky affair. He was more human. He lied about it and got busted. I don't think it hurt his presidential performance at all.
To allude to TV, (as I am wont to do), on a recent episode of The War at Home the father asks his daughter if she has finished her homework. She lies and the father gets upset. He says he's not mad because she lied, but he's concerned that she lied so badly. How is she ever going to survive in this world if she's such a bad liar?! It's funny because it's true. We're all a bunch of liars trying to subvert our instincts and portray ourselves as something other than the animals we are.
I'm not trying to say good for Haggard for getting hopped up and jacked up and, (fake well), just UP on chrystal meth and probably Viagra and spending the whole night.....geeuuuuhhhheeeuuuwwww. Gives me the willies. Uh, bad choice of words. Okay new paragraph.
But, what I am saying is if I go to a church or support a political party I don't want the representative thereof to appear clean cut and pure as the driven snow because then I'll just KNOW he's a fake. I think I'd probably vote for a guy like Kinky Friedman if I were American or even just a Texan. He's a mystery novelist. He's a musician. He's a cowboy. He's a NASCAR owner and enthusiast. He's a cigar, and probably a pot smoker. And I think his slogan is "Why the hell not?" One of his songs is called "Ride 'em Jewboy." Just look at the guy! I mean, do you think HE has to lie? And one comment he made almost instantly won me over. He said that politics is easy to get if you just look at the word. "Poli" means more than one and "tics" are blood sucking parasites. I'm sure it wasn't invented by him but that comment will probably win him lots of votes.
My point is that we've been Haggardized, (sorry), by so many bastards in business suits over the years, why do we keep putting these phonies in positions of leadership? Are we really so Disneyized to believe that the good guys all have perfect teeth and impeccable hygiene?
Here's a quote from, (gasp-not from TV!), a Chuck Palahniuk book I recently read: "You've never seen a fat Jesus or a Jesus with body hair. Every crucifix you've ever seen the Jesus could be shirtless and modeling designer jeans or men's cologne." Of course the implication is that Jesus has just been made to LOOK good because we are so conditioned to believe that if a person doesn't LOOK good he can't BE good. I bet most Bible scholars and people who have studied Biblical times and places would probably picture Jesus looking a lot more Kinky and a lot less Haggard. And Jesus was a pretty good leader even if he WASN'T good looking. Maybe he was better BECAUSE he wasn't good looking! Who knows? I wonder if they had like the Gallilean Enquirer reporters trying to dig up dirt on Jesus.
Anyhoo, I digress. Good luck to Kinky. And what the hell, good luck to Haggard too on his new life. All he did was a little illicit drug and sexual exploration. It doesn't make him the anti-christ. In fact he'd probably be a better preacher now than ever. He could be more honest. He could speak about sin from a standpoint of experience. So what is happening to him? Of course, he's being forced to resign. Bring on the next phoney. Sigh.
I can guaran-damn-tee you he's got himself a "new life" now! If you haven't heard, he's been accused of sexual improprieties by his "mansseuse". The guy named "Jones", (eye roll, I won't touch that.), claims to have had drug-aided sexual escapades with Haggard. Haggard claims he DID buy chrystal meth but threw it away. He DID get a massage from the accuser but he didn't do the nasty with him. Well, who are you gonna believe, a middle-aged gay masseuse/hooker or an evangelical minister? That question would have been all but rhetorical 50 years ago. Over the years we've started questioning people we weren't supposed to question. Maybe doubting their honesty.
Aparently now it's unanimous: Jones wins. Of course it's unanimous! What the hell has Jones got left to lie about? I don't know from experience, but I'd guess that a homosexual, middle-aged male masseuse/hooker might be one of the more honest people in this whole crazy world! What I mean is he would be hard pressed to say anything, true or untrue, that would tarnish his reputation or endanger his livelihood. It's easy for him to be honest.
But you take a guy and put him in a position like church leader or politician and now he's got to convince us of his cleanliness. Why do we do that? I think that's weird. Take Clinton as an example. I liked him so much better after the Lewinsky affair. He was more human. He lied about it and got busted. I don't think it hurt his presidential performance at all.
To allude to TV, (as I am wont to do), on a recent episode of The War at Home the father asks his daughter if she has finished her homework. She lies and the father gets upset. He says he's not mad because she lied, but he's concerned that she lied so badly. How is she ever going to survive in this world if she's such a bad liar?! It's funny because it's true. We're all a bunch of liars trying to subvert our instincts and portray ourselves as something other than the animals we are.
I'm not trying to say good for Haggard for getting hopped up and jacked up and, (fake well), just UP on chrystal meth and probably Viagra and spending the whole night.....geeuuuuhhhheeeuuuwwww. Gives me the willies. Uh, bad choice of words. Okay new paragraph.
But, what I am saying is if I go to a church or support a political party I don't want the representative thereof to appear clean cut and pure as the driven snow because then I'll just KNOW he's a fake. I think I'd probably vote for a guy like Kinky Friedman if I were American or even just a Texan. He's a mystery novelist. He's a musician. He's a cowboy. He's a NASCAR owner and enthusiast. He's a cigar, and probably a pot smoker. And I think his slogan is "Why the hell not?" One of his songs is called "Ride 'em Jewboy." Just look at the guy! I mean, do you think HE has to lie? And one comment he made almost instantly won me over. He said that politics is easy to get if you just look at the word. "Poli" means more than one and "tics" are blood sucking parasites. I'm sure it wasn't invented by him but that comment will probably win him lots of votes.
My point is that we've been Haggardized, (sorry), by so many bastards in business suits over the years, why do we keep putting these phonies in positions of leadership? Are we really so Disneyized to believe that the good guys all have perfect teeth and impeccable hygiene?
Here's a quote from, (gasp-not from TV!), a Chuck Palahniuk book I recently read: "You've never seen a fat Jesus or a Jesus with body hair. Every crucifix you've ever seen the Jesus could be shirtless and modeling designer jeans or men's cologne." Of course the implication is that Jesus has just been made to LOOK good because we are so conditioned to believe that if a person doesn't LOOK good he can't BE good. I bet most Bible scholars and people who have studied Biblical times and places would probably picture Jesus looking a lot more Kinky and a lot less Haggard. And Jesus was a pretty good leader even if he WASN'T good looking. Maybe he was better BECAUSE he wasn't good looking! Who knows? I wonder if they had like the Gallilean Enquirer reporters trying to dig up dirt on Jesus.
Anyhoo, I digress. Good luck to Kinky. And what the hell, good luck to Haggard too on his new life. All he did was a little illicit drug and sexual exploration. It doesn't make him the anti-christ. In fact he'd probably be a better preacher now than ever. He could be more honest. He could speak about sin from a standpoint of experience. So what is happening to him? Of course, he's being forced to resign. Bring on the next phoney. Sigh.
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