Hong Date

Saturday, June 23rd, 2007 was Hong Date. I had a date friends and neighbours. In Hong Dae, an area of Seoul where lots of young, hip people like to hang out. So what was I doing there? Visiting one of my young, hip friends. April.

Okay, so it wasn't really a date. April is just a friend. I am old enough to have been her babysitter at one time. But we sure had fun together! I enjoyed it because I can speak English to April just like a foreigner. She lived in Florida for a couple years. So she's pretty fluent. She likes the slang and bad words too. In fact she swears like a sailor. But in a cute way. Well look at the picture. It's hard for her to do anything that isn't cute. Imagine her dropping F bombs every sentence. I think it's adorable because she looks like the last person who would talk that way. That's April on the left talking on the phone and Yong Ah on the right.

She only said one thing during the night that I misunderstood. She was talking about how she put on weight when she was in the States. Yeah, like she ballooned to 50 kilos or something. But she told me she had a J-Lo butt. I thought she said, "Jailor butt." And I WAS a jailor for a while. So I go into this long explanation about how none of the jailors I worked with had big butts. In fact MY butt was a lot smaller when I worked at the jail. I probably had the biggest butt of all the jailors there. But(t) she said J-Lo butt again and THIS time I understood.

We went to Outback Steakhouse and had a really nice dinner. Her friend Young Ah came along after we had ordered. She just had a few tastes of what we were eating. She was very polite while me and April spoke in English. I don't know how much of it she understood but she laughed in the right places sometimes and reacted correctly sometimes. And April translated some things to her. But she didn't say much.

After a long chat at Outback we wandered around Hong Dae. It's very modern and has some really interesting stores, restaurants and bars. We went into one store that I was quite surprised to see. It was a condom store. In Korea! There were all kinds of condoms in there. Coloured condoms, condoms in nutshells, Pikachu condoms, measuring condoms with a ruler drawn onto them, condoms with lumps on them and the vibrating condom believe it or not. I actually bought one of those. Can't wait to try it out. I was gonna take a picture of the condom store but I forgot. Oh well. I WILL go back there again. Hee hee.

We went into a piercing store. Not a popular place here I imagine. We saw some really trendy boutiques and lots of neon lit bars. My favourite was the Luxury Ho Bar. In fact there are a few Ho Bars. I guess Hos are good business here.

We went into April's favourite bar called Tin Pan Alley. They played only dance and hip hop music. I didn't like most of it. But I DID like the selection of beer they had. I even found a Canadian beer I hadn't had for a while: Moosehead. And wouldn't you know it, I ripped the label clean off. Still a virgin!

April, Young Ah and their friend DK (or something like that) started dancing. So I went to I Tae Won. I knew I could go to the Old Stompers club and hear some REAL music being played by Lance, Dwayne, Dave and Meagan. They did NOT disappoint. So I drank all night and took the subway home at 7 am. It sucks having to do that but I have no choice unless I want to go home at 10 pm when the action is just starting. But I had been working like a slave tallying up the marks for my students. It takes me forever to do that but it's all done now. I just have to plug them into the computer. I started my summer course today. Should be a snap! But I can almost taste the Singha beer and smell the sea air of Pattaya beach. And the fresh cut grass of the golf courses there. I'm already on vacation. In my mind.

Why I Can't Speak Korean

Many people ask me how I could have been in Korea for as long as I have, (about 7 years), and still not be able to speak the language. Oh I can speak taxi and restaurant. I can say enough to a girl at a pick-up bar to get my face slapped. But I really can't speak Korean. I am not alone. I know half a dozen people who've taught English in China. All of them have been there for less than 2 years and speak Chinese much better than I speak Korean. I have known several people who've taught in Japan and most of them speak the language. It seems to me that most people who go to Japan or China pick up the language fairly easily. But I've known only a few who have picked up Korean. The majority of us who spend time here in Korea, for some reason or another, or a combination of many, just don't learn the language. I stayed in Japan for 3 months and learned more Japanese than I have Korean in the 7 years I've been here. If that sentence made any sense. If I give you my list of reasons it'll sound like racism or sour grapes. So I'll illustrate one of the reasons for you.

Today I went to pay rent. I pay monthly. When I finished I said to the couple who are the collectors for my landlord, "Tal maen weol manayo." Tal maen means next, weol means month and manayo means see you. Tashi manayo means see you again. Tashi means again. Ask any Korean what these words mean individually and they'll tell you. But say "Tal men weol manayo" to them and you get looked at like you are a blathering idiot. Much like the couple did to me today.

The couple who I pay rent to is very nice. The husband speaks English pretty well and they have helped me on numerous occasions like when my gas was turned off or when I tried to negotiate for a new air conditioner. They are not dumb or mentally handicapped in any obvious ways. But neither of them had the slightest idea what I meant even though individually they knew what each word meant. This is a phenomenon I have only experienced in Korea. In every other country I've gone to if you say something a little incorrect they can usually figure out what you are trying to say. Not here.

So I had to say in English "See you next month." Then the guy translated for me, "Daeum dal manayo." And I think there might have been an indicator thrown haphazardly in there. As usual.

I looked up Daeum and dal in the dictionary. They mean next and month. But when I said tal maen the guy immediately said, "Next," and when I said weol he immediately said, "Month." The individual words in the two sentences have identical meanings. It would be like someone saying in English, "See you after the following 30-day period." Not many people would say that in English but I don't know any moron who wouldn't understand it.

It just gets incredibly frustrating! When I learned something in Japanese I would say it to someone and it would be understood. If it was a sentence structure I could substitute words and it would be understood. You can't do this in Korean. It's almost like they have separate sentences and separate words for every single occasion in life. No interchange is possible. I can't tell you how many times I've learned some Korean phrase only to be met with the thousand mile stare when I say it to a Korean.

I'll give you an even more incredible example and believe it or not this REALLY did happen to me. I was getting copies made at school. I needed 10 copies. Korean has many different terms that mean "piece" or "unit" of something. They are different depending on shape. Just one of many examples of totally unnecessary difficulties in the language. The word for a flat sheet of something, (like paper), is jang. So I said to the copy room woman, "Ship jang jusayo." Thousand mile stare. I thought she didn't hear me so I said it again. Still no sign of comprehension. I was absolutely positive that ship is 10 and jusayo is "give me" but I was leary of the jang. I shouldn't have been because I had used it for getting copies before and it had been understood. But from person to person in this country you just never know what they'll understand. Another reason why trying to learn the language is like banging your head against the wall.

So I pointed at the paper I wanted copied and said, "Ship," put the paper down, held up 10 fingers, showed her some money and said, "Jusayo." She started to panic. She looked all around for the guy that's usually there who usually does the copying for us foreigners. He was not there. She looked like if she could she would have pulled out a cyanide pill and swallowed it. Luckily there was another student there with a bit of sense who said to her, "Yeol jang! Yeol jang!"

Another unnecessary complication in the Korean language is the numbers. They use different numbers for different occasions. There is no pattern at all. So I was supposed to have used the word "yeol" for the number 10 instead of the word "ship". "Ship" is from the Chinese-ish number system they use here and "yeol" is a more Korean system of numbers. I've since been told that you use the Korean numbers up to 20 and then switch to the Chinese ones. For photocopies that is. For other things the rule may not apply. So I guess the other times I had used "jang" effectively I had been getting more than 20 copies. But still, imagine someone asked you this: "Please give me tenth copies." Do you think you might be able to understand them??? Good God!

It's not just the language that makes it so hard for people to pick up Korean. There are all kinds of extra, (again unnecessary), indicators in Korean like reul, eul, gay etc. They don't add any meaning to the sentences usually, just difficulty. Even if you miss one of these the listener will often just give up trying to figure out what the hell you are saying. The Korean people, (in general), are the absolute worst you can imagine for dealing with beginners at their language.

There now I'm sounding all racist. I can't help it, it's just a fact. If you want to learn Korean, learn it from a young kid or someone who is NOT Korean. They don't really know how they speak. And they REALLY don't know how to teach. Generally.

In Japan there are tons of very good books on the language. In Korea there are none.

I have seriously considered going to a kindergarten full time and learning with the kids there. I'm still dead serious about doing that. I think that would be the best bang for my buck as far as learning this language. But I really doubt I'll do that. So I doubt I'm ever going to learn Korean.

I could go on and on giving individual examples of how things like the situations above have repetitively shot down any attempts I've made at learning Korean. But it just wears me out thinking about it. And when new friends, acquaintences and students ask why I haven't learned I just can't tell them the truth. I usually just say that their language is hard. I don't say it's ridiculously hard and the people just make it harder.

Actually that's not true. I HAVE said this to several of my Korean friends and they've agreed with me. Now I guess I could just refer them to this website. Blogs are excellent!

Bye Bye Bob

And the Dick Clark award for guys who no longer make us feel young goes to Robert W. Barker. But he deserves to retire. He's only been at it 35 years or so. He started the Price is Right in 1972. And he started Truth or Consequences in 1956. So he's been in Television for 50 years. I can give him a break.

I think retirement's gonna be tough for Bob. It's gotta be tough to stop doing what you've been doing for 50 years. He'll have to try to find ways to ease out of the Price is Right routine. Like asking clerks at places where he buys his groceries, hair dye, Viagra etc. to total up his bill and say, "The actual retail price is...!" Or randomly stopping people on the street to try to guess how much loose change they have on their person. Or maybe every week he'll have to go out and buy A NEW CAR!

But there will be change. It's inevitable. Instead of banging Barker's beauties he'll have to settle for playing bingo with them at the old age home. Not HIS old age home, THEIRS. Or maybe he'll just have himself spayed or newtered.

All joking aside, I downloaded the last Price is Right and watched it. The first prize up for bids was a big screen TV and they had one of Bob's original Price is Rights playing on it. Today's Bob looked just as good. Maybe better! Old Bob was chunkier and not as happy looking. Of course he's happy. What a life he's lead!

So the question that now has to be asked is who will replace him? Who can walk out onto the Price is Right stage without feeling like a total phony? Just a replacement. Like when Adam Sandler guest hosted for David Letterman. Ugh! I like Sandler, don't get me wrong, but that was painful to watch.

And Letterman isn't getting any younger either. Feb. 1, 1982 Dave started. A little trivia, Bill Murray was his first guest. He used to be a weatherman for WTHR out of Indanapolis. Dave, not Bill. So before silly stunts like the guy who recently jumped over a NYC taxi cab, he always gives the weather. Wind from the southeast at 2 km/h and visibility is virtually unlimited. And when an audience member told Dave he lived just south of Seattle, Letterman commented that the weather there was highly affected by the Humboldt current or some damn thing. Monday's episode is number 2773. The show has received 67 Emmy nominations and they've won 12 times. But he's still miles behind old Bobby.

Bob Barker has taped 6482 episodes of The Price is Right. 3524 episodes of Truth or Consequences. That's a staggering 10,006 episodes of TV! It's estimated that he's given out over 200 million bucks worth of cash and prizes to the contestants who have come closest to the actual retail price without going over. He has won 19 Emmies. He has kicked Adam Sandler's ass. He's in the Guinness Book of World Records as the most generous and most durable TV performer. And these are just his accomplishments OUTSIDE the bedroom! Bob Barker is a stud. Period.

So who should replace him? I've read that George Hamilton's name has been suggested. I guess because he's tall, tan and kinda looks like Bob. But how many good years does George have left?

Jerry Seinfeld is mentioned when ANY host looks to be retiring. Leave Jerry alone. He's a gozillionaire and he made one of the best sitcoms ever. No matter how well he hosts a show it'll seem like a hobby for him.

I think a good host might be Rosie O'Donnell. She DID have a talk show but I think she's better suited for a game show. She says she'd love to do it. Donald Trump would never be allowed to come on down but he has no idea what things cost anyway.

Or how about Frank Caliendo? He could DO Bob Barker better than Bob!

Speaking of Frank Caliendo, how about John Madden? That would be great! He's got white hair and a tan like Bob. And he could use the telestrater to explain the games.

Whoever they pick to fill Bob's, (or Dave's), shoes, I wouldn't give the new host's problems to a monkey on a rock!

Optimistic me

Well it's the end of the term here. Next week is exam time. If it's anything like previous years it'll be heaps of fun trying to figure out how to mark people and post the marks on a ridiculously complicated online system. But who knows, it might be less of a hassle than expected. See? See? I can still think positively! Even though that's always what ends up getting me into trouble.

A brief example. Tonight I had the cavalier shortsightedness to pick up the phone and order pizza instead of saving myself some money and a headache and going with the pick-up option. Why I EVER do that is a mystery to me. Because if the run of the mill garden variety Korean can't understand me when I am speaking perfect Korean with bang on pronunciation slanged up and slurred like I've been speaking it my whole life, how could I ever expect the guy who answers the phone at Dominoes to know what I'm saying? Positive thinking.

So the guy answers with the hello Dominoes Pizza greeting and I start ordering a large super supreme pizza. I said, " Yoposayo, lah ji Super Supreme Pizza ju sayo." Unfortunately in Korea it's not Super Supreme it's shyoo puh shyoo peu leem. The guy on the phone is no rocket scientist. He probably thinks Dominoes is Korean and shyoo puh shyoo peu leem is a clever Korean title for a pizza. I didn't use the Korean massacring of "Super Supreme" even though I DID say "lah ji" in stead of "large". Predictably his answer was, "Ye?"

"Ye" and "Ne" can both be used for "yes" and with interogative intonation as "what?" I have a habit of saying "yup" in English. It's got a bit of an upward intonation that causes great confusion when I transfer it into the Korean language. As you will see.

So I do the Koreanization of the pizza title. He understands. I wish I could record a call like this sometime for classroom purposes. My students and Korean friends are always telling me how "scientific" the Korean alphabet is. Nobody knows exactly what the hell that means including the parrots who say it, but part of it is the idea that any word from any language can be written using Korean characters. When I disagree and tell them it needs to be written and understood they always tell me they can understand it. Which is a total lie. It's why Koreans write new second language vocabulary in Korean characters and it's why every single person has identical pronunciation problems and it's not gonna change very soon. Job security for me! See? See?

Back to the pizza. He asks in Korean where I live. No, I don't know how to ask the question myself but I have logic on my side, (something I can't say for the guy on the other end of the phone), and I know he's gonna ask me where I live so the delivery driver can find me. So I start saying my address in Korean. I've said it many times before, I know how to say it, my pronunciation is fine and we have a good telephone connection but he just can't seem to understand me. I tell him, "Weon Cheong Men syon, B dong, sam baek sam ho." That means Weon Cheong Mansion B unit, room 303. He asks me if I'm in Deok Jeong. I live in Yangju and almost the entire city is Deok Jeong. The subway stop is named Deok Jeong. The high school and middle schools are named Deok Jeong. All the big apartments are Deok Jeong. The Dominos Pizza is in Deok Jeong about a 5 minute walk from my house. There are no other Weon Cheong Mansions anywhere. The guy has made 20 pizzas for me before and probably recognizes my voice. They have delivered umpteen dozen pizzas to Weong Cheong Mansion B dong and know exactly where it is. I am one of maybe three English speaking males in the area. I've seen the phone at the store, it has call display and they know who it is calling if you've called once before like every other Dominos Pizza in the whole fucking world but this guy just had to know if I was in Deok Jeong. Store policy to ask the neighbourhood I suppose. You wanna see the meaning of do as you're told? Give a Korean a rule.

So I say, "Deok Jeong. Ye." Only he hears my "ye." as "ye?" So he asks me back, "Ye?" I am briefly confused by his confusion and pause to ponder whether he doesn't understand me, if he's asking me whether or not I just said ye, whether he's never heard of Deok Jeong or what the problem could possibly be. And I was trying to think of the sub-neighbourhood to clarify WAY beyond what is necessary to get a pizza delivered. It took me 2.5 seconds to remember that I live in sah dan ji. That's 4, um, dan ji. I dunno what that means. Because Korea doesn't really have street names and their houses don't really have numbers they have a system of ever decreasing sized areas that are used to narrow down addresses rather than actually pinpoint them. Mail carriers and delivery people have to be geniuses. Anyway it didn't come to me instantly and I had to think. Fatal mistake. Another rule Koreans follow is the telephone pause rule. If you are not instantaneous in your answers, despite the fact that you are obviously a foreigner struggling with a very difficult language, they hit you with "yoposeyo?" This means "hello" but it is like "game over" on a video game. You have to start back at the beginning again.

So I sigh heavily and say my address and my order again in impeccable Korean. He understands and superfluously asks again if I'm in Deok Jeong and I say "ye" and drop waaaay down to a Johnny Cash baritone. He understands.

Now Koreans are still having a tough time getting foreign food. It's much better than when I first got here but there are still a lot of people who put odd toppings on pizzas, burgers. sandwiches and such. I've seen, and eaten, some whacky stuff. On pizza I've seen squid, boiled eggs, kimchi, ketchup, broccoli, mayo, mustard, sweet potato, cabbage, peas and the list goes on. They have all those extras but I defy you to get bacon. I miss bacon on pizza. Then there's the ubiquitous corn topping. A majority of pizzas here include it. I don't like it but often don't have the energy to ask them to hold the corn. It's much easier to just pick it off. But on this occasion I had to try. "Ok soo soo eopsoyo," I said. That means "no corn". Predictably he says,"Ye?" So I try a different angle of approach. "Ok soo soo peeri eopsoyo," I said. This means "I don't need corn." He says, "Ye?" Then he says, "Can you speak English?"

I know who this guy on the phone is. I know he speaks English pretty well. I've talked to him while waiting for my pizza several times. He knows who it is calling for a pizza. So I start coming unglued,"YES, I speak English. Do you speak Korean?" Predictably his answer is, "Ye?" "Ok soo soo!" I say voluminously. "Ok soo soo! Corn! Anyo! No! Eopsoyo! None!" The dime, (or hundred won coin), drops. "Oh, weed out cone." he says. "Yes! Without corn."

So now we're speaking English, which we could have done from the beginning. He recites my order and address in English only he says, and by this point I'm starting to think I might be a victim of one of the Korean Jerky Boys, "WEED CONE!"

"NO!" I yell at the phone, "WEED OUT CONE! WEED OUT CONE!"

"Ye ye ye. So dee so dee. Weed out cone. " he says.

So I finally did get my pizza. But next time I'll just go pick it up. That way I get a bit of exercise walking to Dominos. And if I'm ever too lazy to go I'll just choose to eat something else. Probably something more healthy. So ordering pizza on the phone is a pain in the ass but it's sort of a good thing that it is. Wow, look at me go! Positive thinking up a storm.

In other news, I signed a new one-year lease on my house conditional upon the landlord replacing my air conditioner, which is above my computer and leaks like a seive. A few weeks ago a guy came to try to repair it. The third time it has been looked at. This time I couldn't get it to leak. He said that he needed to see it leak before he could fix the problem. I can't understand why a guy who knew what he was doing couldn't just check the possible problems one at a time and find the problem without seeing the leak. But then again, like the first couple of guys, this guy probably wasn't actually a repairman. It's really getting hot here too. So yesterday I went to the grocery store and bought a shower hose and rigged it to my air conditioner so that the water will drip into a rig that kinda looks like an I.V. and then drain out my window. It was on for a couple hours today. Never leaked a drop. Go figure.

You can even see this blog entry on the pic if you look closely. And I had just finished eating some of my pizza. You can just see the plate and crust dipping sauce on top of my printer. And the pizza is what the paper towels are for... of course.

I solved my own ant problem and fixed my own air conditioner. People solve their own problems here. When you have a fender bender you get out your wallets and bicker for a while then drive away. No expensive lawyers needed. People hardly ever sue. My handyman skills are really improving too. I guess this is just another good thing about Korea.

See? See? See?

Top Ten Surprises on the Sopranos Finale

I'm getting excited to see the finale of the Sopranos. My favourite non-animated TV show is ending for good soon. The latest David Letterman top ten contest is Top Ten Surprises on the Sopranos Finale. I normally only submit one entry to the Letterman top ten contests but this time I am getting greedy. I'm trying for the whole top ten. That would be cool. Here are my ten entries:

10 Janice kills Carmella for ziti recipe.

9 Sil finds out too late he is the first new patient in years for Dr. Kervorkian.

8 Anthony Junior becomes the boss... at a local Toys "R" Us.

7 Meadow enrolls in law school and busts entire family as homework assignment.

6 Mob family war is settled by pitting Paulie Gualtieri against Phil Leotardo in a WWE hairmatch.

5 Tony's new therapist - Dr. Phil!

4 A geneological study shows that the Sopranos are actually Tenors.

3 The "safe"house Tony's gang is holed up in turns out to be one of Carmella's spec houses, which she burns for insurance purposes accidentally killing everyone.

2 Tony gets an extra long lapdance and, BA DA BING, heart attack.

And the number one surprise in the Sopranos Final Episode: Tony gets whacked...

by Stewie Griffin of Family Guy.

Wish me luck.

By the way, I don't know who signed that autograph beside Stewie but it should be Fran Doyle. Sorry bout that, Fran. Liars, cheaters and stealers always prosper eh?