The golfing is good.

Hey everybody. I just thought I'd post a couple of pics from the courses around here to show you all how nice they are. I'm at a computer that costs a baht a minute and the space bar doesn't work every time so this won't be a long post. Been out twice and going again tue. I would have golfed more but there's some kind of holiday here now. Courses are closed. First round I shot 52/53 105. The new clubs are great! Bought a full set from Gord, the guy who owns Memories bar. Actually that's where I'm staying too. He gave me a great deal on the room and the clubs. (That's him in the beige shirt on the left.) BUT, Memories is now a memory. An Australian guy bought it from Gord and it's now called Gorkle's. Anyway, the second round I got 48/48 96. So I'm getting better. My putting and chipping sucks too. So when they get better I should be down to bogey golf or better.

The other guy in both pics is Danny. I golfed with him both times. We went to Phoenix, (pic 1) and Greenwood, (pic 2).

And that's Danny putting all his weight on his partial foot in pic 3. But he got a good shot out of it. I met a new bunch of golfers through Ray, the owner of Gorkles so I should be able to go out more often. I'll try to take more pics. Anyways, farewell to Memories and hello Gorkle. And in golf, farewell hundreds and hello 80's and 90's.

I made it

Just to let everyone know, (and gloat just a little bit), I am now in Bangkok. After a few hours of sleep constantly interrupted by noisy drunks and slamming doors at the Kaosan Palace Hotel, and a one hour delay on my ticket to Pattaya, I'm at the Sawasdee waiting for breakfast and the bus.

They sure do slow you down here! This internet is a great example. Not only do I have time to read a book while I'm waiting for net pages to come up, I can read a few words while waiting for the words I type here to come up too! Who knows if this post will work? So I better keep this short.

It doesn't suck to be me right now.

I'm going to Thailand!

Folks I gotta say I'm a bit surprised to be typing this but I am going to Thailand. There were many moments when I thought I wasn't gonna make it and the process of getting a passport caused me enough stress on its own to warrant me a vacation but it'll all be forgotten the second I make my first "whack-fuck".

I played pool Wednesday night. One game of singles. Lost to a chick. She was good! She almost ran me out off the break. I actually played well but while I was coming back from her tremendous break run I had it down to two balls to one for her. I made a bad shot on one of my balls, which hit her's into the pocket so all she had to do then was sink the eight.

Then, like an idiot, I stayed up all night drinking. I took the first subway home at 5:30, fell asleep and passed my stop, took the next subway back, fell asleep and passed my stop, got out to street level to stop the nonsense and take a taxi home. While walking in a sea of humanity to a bunch of waiting buses and taxis I stepped on a really dangerous 5 or 6 inch dip on the sidewalk that was hard to see in a crowd of people. I really hurt my ankle bad and taught the entire subway load of people a lesson in English expletives. Free of charge. I took an 11,000 won taxi ride home and slept from about 8 to noon then started the passport frustration again. With a hangover. And a twisted ankle.

The last instructions Mike gave to me were, "Call us Thursday to see if the temporary passport is ready." If that sounds like an easy thing to do you haven't dealt with any Canadian government agencies. I have about 10 numbers for the Canadian Embassy in Seoul on a page taped to my wall beside me and none of them work. However, Mike told me how to call and I tried that. The obligatory Canadian government answering service labyrinth. "If you know the extension of the person you are trying to reach press it now." Nobody has extensions you fucking assholes! If Mike had one I'm sure he would have told me.

Luckily, I was having this conversation with my friend Annaliese just a week earlier and she told me her friend had discovered that if you just press zero you get to a human being. I gave it a whirl. It WORKED! Sort of. I mean it wasn't really a human being, it was a Canadian government employee. In my hangover scratchy lowered voice I told her Mike had told me to call and see if my temp. passport was ready. She says, "Please hold I'll connect you." I get another answering machine. A woman saying she's not in, please leave a message. Oh I left a message.

I call back, press zero and get the same chick. "Please hold, I'll connect you." I say, "Wait. Please don't connect me. Last time I got an answering machine. Is there someone there I can talk to?" She tells me she thought my call was personal so she patched me through to Mike's wife. Mike's WIFE! I say, "No. I told you twice it's about my temporary passport." "Okay, please hold I'll connect you." ANOTHER answering machine. I left a message asking why Canadian gvt. SERVICES are so fucking unserviceable, told the person to call back, gave my number and a very long sigh then said, "I'm not expecting much."

Lo and behold, she DID call back! Not much later! Told me the passport was ready and to come get it by 4:30. I limped in to the embassy and got it by 3:30, had a classic Italian sub and broccoli cheese soup at Quiznos too. Why is it that when I get anything accomplished involving my country's government I feel like the intrepid Edmund Hillary reaching the summit of Everest? And I did it all alone. No Shirpas helping me. Schirpas? How do you spell that anyway?

Across the street from the embassy is a KB bank. It was only a little after 4 so I figured I'd go in and get some Thai cash. Talk about out of the frying pan into the fire. From a Canadian govt. agency to a bank! What a day!

I had also heard from April, who works at a bank, something about bank cards no longer working overseas. I thought I'd ask. I got to the teller on the second floor and he told me that foreigners were no longer allowed to withdraw funds from their accounts using their bankcards outside Korea. I said it was a really racist rule and that I doubted there were any "developed" countries other than Korea that had such a policy. I said it was pretty silly to have Cirrus or Maestro without overseas service. But he said what bankers always say, "It was the decision of the head of the company." In other words, "IT'S A RULE!" I also told him that last year my card worked fine in Thailand. He looked puzzled. I can understand because being a bank employee I'm sure he's not used to his company actually having provided helpful services like that.

I go downstairs to withdraw some money from the bank machine. You see, you can't use your card to get the money removed electronically even though they have all the necessary equipment to do so, you have to physically take money out of the machine, take it upstairs and physically put it back. Why? Cuz it's a rule. I knew this rule from before. So I get back to the guy with a fistfull of cash and he's on the phone. He asks me for my card which I foolishly give him. He reads the number into the phone over my protests and thwarts my attempts to take the card away from him. He hangs up the phone and tells me that since I got the card before April 14th, (my birthday), 2006, I can still use it overseas. Any cards acquired after that date can't be used by foreigners overseas. So despite his best efforts he couldn't deactivate my card. Little prick.

Incidentally, the guy who made the racist rule and the stupid musical cash machine rule, (and countless other jaw-droppingly vacuous such rules), qualifies to be a guarantor for my passport. This is the kind of person Passport Canada wants certifying our citizenship!

That my bankcard was gonna work came as especially good news to me since recently my Canadian account, (which I set up so that I would DEFINITELY have access to my cash overseas), has been frozen. The good people at TD bank have been forcing their protection onto their customers. There are few things I hate worse. I was told to choose not one, not two, not three, not four but FIVE extra passwords for my account. I don't want or need them so I had been bypassing the page where I was ordered by my bank to choose them. So they froze my account. Fascists!

So I went to the page that was supposed to reactivate my account. I picked my five new fucking passwords then pressed enter. I got a message that my session had timed out and I was to call the bank at this number...... No fucking way was I falling for THAT trick again. I ESPECIALLY hate doing the telephone gymnastics long distance. So I tried the page again and timed out again. So I can't do anything with my money in Canada. This trip might just end up being more adventurous than expected.

Next I had to go to work and return all the papers from the summer course I had taught. The students' exams, attendance, that sort of thing. I also had to input the syllabus for NEXT semester. I had tried the day before but after doing it THREE times most of it just kept mysteriously disappearing. So I sent an email to my supervisor saying that I couldn't meet the deadline, which was that day. I got an email this morning from her that said my syllabus had been entered and thanking me for doing a fine job. Wonders never cease.

So aside from a bit of a sore ankle and a frozen bank account I have no problems to think about in Thailand. I really need this vacation.

I Just Might Make It To Thailand

Well, events have warranted a new post.

I got an email from a guy named Mike who works at the Canadian Embassy in Seoul telling me that I could get someone at the office to be my guarantor. Again, someone who doesn't know me from Adam Sandler and who doesn't do the service for free. This was Thursday I got the email.

So I filled out all the forms. I got my friends Scott and Annaliese to be my references and got all the details about their addresses and phone numbers. I went to a photographer at the front gate of HUFS, where I work and with a little explanation through pigeon Korean and body language I got him to stamp and date one of the pics properly. Then after work I decided, just in case, to go see if I could find this embassy.

I knew it was in the downtown area right behind City Hall but it's never easy to find anything in that mess of buildings. Lucky I went on this reconnaissance mission! It took me just over an hour to find. I asked the information guy at the subway station where it was and he directed me to exit 3. I found it odd that the Canadian Embassy wasn't marked on any of the maps they have in the subway station that show the nearby buildings.

I exited through exit 3 and I asked several other people for directions. One security guard gave me directions and told me I had about 700 meters to go. I was pretty close. So I walked exactly where he told me and came upon the Nanta Theater. I guess when I was saying "Canada" (embassy) he thought I was saying "Nanta" (theater). But curiously enough I asked another security guard near the Nanta who also told me he knew where it was and pointed me to a building where it definitely WASN'T. Sometimes I just wanna teach Koreans to say "I don't know."

It was a very hot and muggy afternoon and I was carrying a full briefcase with me and still dressed in my much too heavy work clothes. I was sweating like a whore in church. But I figured I'd go out to the main road and try again. On my way out I saw a brick wall with a fence on top of it and a nicely cut lawn behind the fence. On the wall was the seal of Canada. But there was no building that resembled an office where one might find the Canadian Embassy. And there was no easily aparent way into the area where the lawn was.

I got out to the main road and wandered around some more until I found a tourist information kiosk. I went inside and asked for some info. The girl there spoke English and had a map. On the map I saw that it was exactly where I thought it was, exactly where I'd been, right behind City Hall. She said it was in the Kolon building. Nice name eh?

So I went back to where I was and wandered around some more. I think I went down every street and cross-street before I finally found the Kolon building. Right around the corner from EXIT 4! Nowhere near exit 3! It was 4:30. The embassy closes at 4:30 so there was no chance for me to go in and get anything ready for the next day. Mike had told me there would be a form to fill out called the "in lieu of guarantor" form or something like that. I thought maybe I could pick that up before closing time but no such luck.

Besides there was a Quiznos Subs right across from the Kolon Building and I hadn't eaten since breakfast. So I got an Italian Classic sub and a bowl of broccoli cheese soup. And I dried off a little bit while in the air conditioned restaurant. I got some Krispy Kreme doughnuts and a book from Kyobo Book Store too. So it wasn't a complete waste of time. But I asked about 20 people where the Krispy Kreme doughnuts store was too and think I could have found it more easily if I had just used The Force.

I figure I walked farther than my 6K fitness walk and sweat about as much. My pants were all salty in the ass when I got home and took them off. Man I hate that!

Next morning bright and early I went to the embassy and got the in lieu of guarantor form. I needed extra identification, two more references and I had two tiny lines to list my employers for the past 5 years. I wasn't about to go home and get all the addresses and phone numbers of employers and references so I did the best I could. I gave them my friend Kasia as a reference. She won't be reachable until September. I also gave them Scott's wife, Minju because I already had her address on the other application. And I just faked the past employers. I told them I had worked at Seogang College for 3 years when actually it was only one.

I got in to the window behind which Mike was sitting. We talked about where I was going and low and behold he goes golfing in Pattaya too! He told me about a good hotel I'm thinking of staying at. Lek Hotel it's called. Anyway, he said I could get the temporary passport on Thursday the 19th. That's the day before I travel. When I get back from my month in Thailand my real passport will be ready and all I will have to do is go to the NEW office and trade the temp. for the new passport. He did say, however, that they will only be able to get me my temporary passport on Thursday if everything goes smoothly. Like if they can reach all my references and if they don't find any discrepancies on my application. heh heh heh.

But screw them if they are that picky! Yeah I lied about my past employment cuz I didn't have all the info, (the thoroughly useless info.) that they asked for. So I cheated once. THEY gave me a stranger for a guarantor who charged me money to sign my forms. So THEY cheated TWICE! But I doubt that will be a good enough defence if they ask me why I lied on the guarantor form. Neither will, "That form will be a dinosaur in three months anyway!"

But we'll see how things go. Fingers crossed.

I already sent an email to one of the guys I golf with and since he was in charge of the golfing trips and had a bad scooter crack up, the club is in a bit of a shambles right now. But he says there are still some guys who go out.

SO the Thai vacation is STILL not a positive but I have paid for my ticket. I asked my travel agent to fax my itinerary to the embassy. That was one of the things they needed to speed up the passport. I hope she did that.

Yeah! This is the kind of frantic planning and stress a good trip ought to have! I feel like I'm on vacation already!

Oh, and that mysterious Canadian seal I found? (I mean seal of Canada. I guess a seal of ANY origin would be mysterious in downtown Seoul in mid summer!) THAT is where the NEW Canadian Embassy is going to be. So I already know where to go to get my new passport. I hope I don't have to scale the wall and climb the fence though.

Vacation Time Again

Well it's vacation time again. I have two days of teaching left and then it's time to head off to golf and drink and swim and relax in Thailand.

GOD! If only it were that easy for me! No, as you can read in my brief bio on this blog, travel adventures are my forte. In fact people sometimes ask to hear my travel nightmares even if they've heard them before. And to me they are like bad old memories: they suck when they happen but they're great stories. I've had luggage lost; I've been robbed; conned; stranded at the airport; forced to beg for money; picked up by a tranny; ripped off by fast-dealing money changers; snorkelling and lost my home apartment keys; sucked out to sea by rip tides; debilitatingly sunburned; confined to my hotel bathroom because of Bali Belly, Dengue Fever, West Nile disease, diarrhea, malaria or whatever; in the airport watching my plane take off ripping up my non-refundable ticket; air sick; hustled at pool; lost countless times, but sooooo many things can happen to a person while on a trip! That's why I keep going. Still no plane crashes or shark attacks. But my traveling days have just begun.

THIS time the troubles are starting before the trip. I guess since I didn't go on a trip during the last school break my travel curse has been dormant too long and is raring to erupt.

I have reservations to go to Bangkok on the 20th of July. I haven't paid for the ticket yet because I have been waiting for news on my passport. You see, my passport expires in November and customs officials "have the right to refuse service to you if you have less than 6 months remaining on your passport." What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

EVERYTHING about passports and customs and all things to do with them, (especially in Asia), are governed by hard, fast, written in stone rules. You know that if, (like me), your key chain is a tiny Swiss Army knife you forgot to put in your luggage, or like the lady who told the customs official that in her bag she had some knitting needles, yarn and a giant Afghan and was strip searched before she could explain.

Just look at the Canadian passport application someday. Photos must have neutral expression, have natural skin tones, chin to crown of head 31 mm. to 36 mm., no shadows, no hats, no texturing, have the name of photographer on the back and date taken, not date developed, and one must be signed by the guarantor indicating that the pic is a good likeness of the person they know as the above signed.

The guarantor! He/she must be easily contacted, have known you for 2 years, live within the juris diction of the issuing office, be notarizing your application for free, and be a doctor, lawyer or officer of the law, banker or politician because everyone knows these professions are chock-o-block full of the most veracious, ethical and unimpeachably honest citizens of any country. PPPPpbbbbbbbtttttthhhhhhbbbtttt!!! They might just as well ask you to get your application notarized by a car salesman, professional wrestler or a hagwon boss.

You must provide proof of citizenship, (I mean aside from the passport that is good enough proof of citizenship to every OTHER country in the world, (and which you had to provide plenty of proof of citizenship to get like birth certificate, SIN number, driver's license etc.)), like birth certificate, SIN number, driver's license etc.

BUT if you have less than 6 months left on your passport, the agent has full discretion. MAYBE he/she will pass you, or MAYBE he/she won't. This is the only thing about passports, customs etc. with any flexibility at all and it's obviously been perpetuated by customs officials for one reason: bribes. Don't kid yourself, you can't get into some countries without bribing customs officers.

And if they would just be clear about things like they are in Lonely Planet guides to places like Cambodia or Viet Nam and say the customs officials will expect a bribe of around... yada yada yada that would be cool. But I'm here thinking maybe they won't accept a bribe. Maybe I won't be able to go at all. Maybe I'll pay 800 bucks for tickets and not be able to fly to Thailand at all.

This is my kind of trip! Drama even BEFORE the get go!

But good news! Passport Canada is implementing a new "Simplified Passport Renewal Program". The program includes a shorter application form, no supplementary identification or proof of citizenship, and (halleluiah!), no friggin guarantor!

I was so excited when I read this! But it starts August 15th. And the criteria exclude anyone who has resided outside Canada on their previous passport. Basically it's for people who wanna go to the States.

HOWEVER, I also read on the Passport Canada webpage that there is a new guarantor policy! Yay, yippee, yahoo.com! Under the new rules a guarantor may be any passport holder. Even a relative or someone who lives with you! Boy was I relieved to read that! Cuz I was thinking pretty hard about who I could use as a guarantor here in Korea.

But then, I read, "Effective Oct. 1, 2007."

See what I mean? This is really sucking right now but I'm sure I'll get a kick out of this when I recall it someday.

So I HAVE thought of one possible guarantor. A doctor friend of mine here in Korea. I WILL have to make a 5 hour trip to get his autograph on the back of one of my photos but if I can do that, fill out the rest of the application, dig up my birth certificate, find a couple friends who are willing to be character references, find a Korean photographer who can a) understand the photo rules and b) perform his duties properly and get to the Canadian Embassy in Seoul between 8 and 11 am, I MIGHT be able to get a temporary passport. I think this might be more dependable at customs than my old passport.

However, I have a week and two days before my flight and the temporary passport takes a week...if there are no delays. I work for the next two days from noon to 3.

And, oh yeah, one more thing, (remember this is ME here!), the Canadian Embassy in Seoul is moving soon. They're closed from the 20th to the 23rd after which they will be operating out of their new office in Jeong dong, Jung gu, and not the old office at Mugyo dong, Jung gu. I just KNOW they are in the process of moving now and won't be operating at normal speed. Or if by some miracle I make it to their office with all my documents they will have already moved the passport lamination machine or the official seal of the Consular General or some damn thing. And who knows WHAT will happen with the move?

My timing is absolutely uncanny isn't it? So basically I'm fucked for getting a new passport, temporary passport, or passport extension. But I am giving serious consideration to the prospect of making a really great future blog entry and just trying to get to Thailand on my old passport. Given my travel record it's a ridiculous risk to take but this has the makings of a heck of a travel story!

Anybody know anything about foreign extradition?

STILL not finished. I briefly considered just traveling to Canada so I can get a passport in Vancouver. Surely they'd let me out of Korea and into my new country to do that! Last passport I got 5 years ago I went to the notary public across the streeet from the Vancouver passport office. He hadn't known me for 2 minutes never mind two years, and didn't do it for free but was able to be my guarantor anyway. That guarantor rule is so stupid! Then I paid extra money to have the passport done as soon as possible and got it the same day.

BUT, (again timing), since Canadians now have to have passports to get into the States, (a new rule cuz they don't want us spending too many of our strong dollars there), there are tremendous line-ups and backlogs at the passport offices. I've been reading posts about offices in Vancouver. People waiting in the rain in lines where there were 150 people in front of them OUTSIDE the office. Waiting 11 weeks for a rushed passport. It would be more expensive and slower to do this in Canada.

So it looks very much like the only choice I have is to cancel my reservations, get my temporary passport sometime in August, (if I can find the new embassy and if their schedule is not delayed), and spend maybe 2 weeks in Thailand instead of a month.

Still I guess it beats spending my entire 6 weeks of vacation time in tropical, hedonistic, exotic, action central, South Korea? It's bad enough I'll probly have to waste 4 weeks of it here farting around with my new passport. And even with the price of a ticket, golfing in Thailand is cheaper than downtime in Korea for me. Simply because golf, beer, and whatever else I will do here in Korea will be like 5x the price.

Updates will follow as events warrant.

The Canadian dollar is going through the roof! It's at the highest point I've ever seen it. I'm quite pleased that I sent money home 20 cents ago. I actually made myself a little bit of a profit.

But the economists were wary! They were warning Canada not to let the dollar get too strong. I didn't hear details about what disastrous occurances might be the results but they all seemed to think we'd piss off Americans. Well now the results are trickling in. We take away their cross-border shopping bonanzas and this is the type of thing they do! Fiends!

Oh sorry. That "this" was supposed to be a link but as I type this the homerun derby is underway at the MLB All Star Game. I tried to join a contest where you pick the winners of each round. First you rank the ten players from first to 10th. Then you predict the total homeruns from the first round. Then you predict the homeruns from all rounds combined. Then you fill out a form with all your information on it. Name, address, phone number, email etc. If you get all predictions correct, you win 10,000 of those weak American dollars. Hee hee hee.

But when I pressed the "enter" key a message came up that read, "Sorry, only real phone numbers accepted."

I am so offended! Because I typed in a Canadian phone number it's not REAL??? So by extension Canadians aren't REAL!!??? Oh you just wait MLB.com... Give us a few more months and with our strong dollar we'll have major league teams in Nunavut and Saskatchewan!!!

Why, I'm so outraged I hope Justin Morneau kicks everybody's asses in the homerun contest. He's Canadian you know. From New Westminster.

Oh and by the way, the title of this entry was supposed to be "Go Justin Go" but I can't put titles on my blog entries any more. Probly another of the prices we Canadians pay for our strong dollar. Sigh.

You can't see that can you? Aww crap! Oh well. We're doing a chapter on abnormal psychology in my class right now. We did this today. It was a really funny psych. test I give my students every now and then. All it is is a bunch of really simple squares with shapes inside. The first one is a square with a circle in the upper left corner, the second has a circle in the bottom left, the third has a circle in the middle etc. I get the kids to encorporate the shapes into some kind of drawing then write an adjective below the pics. Each square has a meaning. You can't really see it but in the third square she drew a pic of me, (a flatteringly thin and hairy me), and wrote the word "nice". I know it's just a ploy to get extra marks but it worked! This girl is passing MY class! That square meant how other people see you. (The student who did this).

Then in the last square she drew a girl throwing some trash into a garbage can and wrote the word "dirty". That square means your feelings after having sex for the first time. Ha ha ha.

Square #5 she drew some lovers and wrote "lovely". This represents her feelings about death. It's a great exercise. I've been doing it for years and the student always love it. I think I got it from back in the days when I worked with Heather at Pagoda Hagwon. Do you remember this lesson Heath?

Then there was THIS one!!! Holy cow! The student who did this is one of the, umm most unique guys I've ever taught too. The two squares at the bottom that he joined represent his feelings after the first time having sex and his relationship with his loved one. He wrote, (incorrectly), "life a tunnel". Ha ha ha. And the door to that tunnel on which he wrote "life moon, (door in Korean), choise open cloes" That is supposed to represent something he gives his friends. LMFAO!!! I hope I'm not his friend cuz I don't want to be invited into the door to his loved one's sexual tunnel.

It's too bad you can't read the other ones too. Hilarious! Then to make things even more funny he comes to me after they got into groups and compared psych. tests and says, "I losing my face. Before test normal. Now psycho." That meant he lost face. Students used to think he was normal but not any more. Don't worry though, nobody thought he was normal before. But I told him not to worry. Normal is boring. I think he's still worried.

It's amazing how accurate this lesson is. And always fun. You want it? Lemme know.

S.S.S.

You know how some people say they think better when they run? I personally can't imagine any reason why a person would think of anything while running but stopping the self-inflicted torture, but I guess if you think clearly while running, it might be worth it. I would still try everything else I could before I resigned myself to THAT deal though. Having to run to get some mental lucidity. However, I like walking and have had some good thinks while I'm on my evening or late night fitness walks. I go in the evening or late night when it's cooler and there are fewer people although lately it hasn't been very cool at night. I've done my walk in the rain a few times and enjoyed that immensely but even though it is officially Monsoon season here, I need to exercise a bit more often than when it rains. I guess if I ran only in the rain it might suffice but that's out of the question.

I absolutely hate running, but I DO see the value of a setting where thought comes effortlessly. I have started a new summer course that requires me to ride the Seoul Subway System for a couple hours every day. In the beginning it was similar to running in that the thought of making it stop tended to pervade. But I have started getting used to the ride. In fact I am almost to the point where I can enjoy it. Well, maybe that's an overstatement but I DO have some good thinks on the subway. And that almost makes it worth it.

I live in what Koreans refer to as the "country". There are high rise apartment buildings, deparment stores, and a subway here but there are also rice fields and farms. I smell cow shit almost every morning because we have a Seoul Milk cow farm across the street from us. Right above the beginning of the walking track.

I suppose this might be the reason I like the subway more than expected. "Country" folk are sometimes quite interesting to observe. And when I have something entertaining to watch, I forget how badly I want to get off the germ infested, sweaty, cramped, cattle car I'm in. But it's not just the country folk I'm watching. It's everyone.

The Yangju stop on the subway is called Deok Jeong, as you may know if you read about my pizza delivery adventures. It is almost the beginning, (or end), of Seoul Subway System line 1. Line 1 is the longest and probably the most used line of the S.S.S. I am quite pleased to tell you that Yangju is far enough outside the city of Seoul that when I get on at Yangju there is usually a seat where I can sit. Except at rush hour, (like 7-9 in the morning). Unfortunately, I work far enough into the city that I usually have to stand at the beginning of my commute home. However, about half way home I usually get a seat.

The subway is quite a miraculous device really. It should not, but is, be taken for granted. I often find myself thinking that the rapid starts and stops it makes HAVE to involve rubber or some sticky material but it's metal wheels on metal tracks. Almost miraculous. And I am quite thankful for the rapid starts and stops because they are responsible for the left and rights of what I call the Seoul Subway System somnambulant sway. It's the ballet performed by my fellow passengers every day that is one of the great sources of my entertainment.

I am sure it's possible in cities around the world where they have subways to board a car and find everyone awake. I will give you my first born child if you can do this in any subway in Korea. Or any bus for that matter. Public transit is just nap time to Koreans.

I started writing this in the morning before work. But I'll just tell you what happened today on the subway. Just today. Today's commute provided more than enough to show what I mean when I say the subway is entertaining.

Deok Jeong Station has only been in operation since the beginning of this year. Around the time when it opened Yangju city planners rerouted all local buses to coincide with subways. Exactly. So if I want to catch the best subway for me, (at 10:51), I can take a bus that will get me to the Deok Jeong station bus stop at 10:51. Of course it takes 3-5 minutes to get from the bus stop to the platform. This leaves bus passengers just enough time to reach the platform and see the shrinking tail lights of their train. So every morning I take the bus that comes just in time for me to see the shrinking tail lights of the subway before mine at 10:30. Many people have not caught on to this trick and it is always a source of sinister pleasure for me to see 20 or 30 people, who can see their train pulling into the station from the road below, panic and shift into survival of the fittest mode pushing, shoving, yelling, running, cutting in front of the old, very young and the slow, waving arms, screaming "Ajashee! Ajashee!" in hopes the subway driver will hear them as he starts leaving the station and stop the train for them. But he never does. And the 20 or 30 people have to wait for the next train. With me. Only my dignity remains intact. Heh heh heh.

This morning I got off the bus and leisurely walked to the station as people cursed me for being one of the slow. An obstacle that shaved seconds off their sprint to catch the uncatchable train. Then as I got to the top of the escalator to the platform I could see their dejected looks as they checked their watches and realized they would have to wait another 21 minutes for the next subway. They sometimes glare at me as I casually walk by them. Perhaps blaming me, not the city planners, bus drivers, subway driver, people who pushed them out of the way, for their sorrows. But it's worth it.

When I got on the subway today I was surprised to see three short-haired white guys sitting at the opposite end of my car. They were quite obviously U.S. soldiers and judging by their conversation and accents, they were from the south. They were talking a bit loudly but since none of the Koreans were talking at all it made it seem louder than it actually was. Their conversation topic was quite technical. They talked about two stroke and four stroke engines, engine parts, muscle cars, NASCAR, pit crews, helicopter mechanics, retirement plans, how much time they had left in the service, and things like that. Toward the end their conversation deteriorated. They made fun of the subway stop called Shinimoon, which sounds a lot like "shitty moon" when it's announced. Then the guy who was chewing tobacco and spitting it into a bottle, (no kidding), gave the guy beside him a purple nurple and they started play fighting a bit and then started questioning each other's sexual preferences.

Long before the subject degenerated so, a Korean sitting about 5 seats down from me got up quickly and rattled off a long, angry string of Korean while storming past the soldiers and throught the doors into the next car. I only recognized a few words he said. A couple times he said "Korea", once or twice "Virginia" (?), and one or two of his words were bad words. Perhaps his midmorning nap was spoiled by the soldiers' talking? Although there are usually plenty of loud talking Koreans on the subway and they wake up exactly nobody. Perhaps he was envious of the soldiers' English proficiency? Maybe he had spent lots of time and money trying to become fluent in English but couldn't? I just can't imagine why he stormed out! ????

The REALLY entertaining part was after the angry guy's exit. All the people in my car, except the soldiers, got out their expressionless masks and slapped them on. It was like an invisible emotion thief had hit our car. Nobody felt confused, shocked, surprised, angry, apologetic, empathetic, the only thing close to an emotion I could see was fatigue. But I wasn't really surprised. I'll explain why.

If you get on the subway at 8 am or 6 pm just about anywhere in Seoul you will see entire carloads of people practicing this apathetic expression. Because the subways are PACKED! People who are sitting down have their faces pretty much at crotch level of the people who are standing directly in front of them. People who are standing are rubbing pubic areas and asses with each other. Sometimes face to face! You don't ride the train together, you have a relationship with the person closest to you. There are a few remedies to the crippling awkwardness that results from a jam packed subway car: 1. Read the paper. Or at least make it look like you are more concerned with what the most popular K-pop singers are wearing these days than who is below you nuzzling your goodies. There are a few free "papers" that are like entertainment news here in Korea. You can always find some on the subway or in stands at subway stations. 2. Sleep. Or at least make it look like you are more interested in catching some Z's than whose hand that was ever-so-slowly brushing against your tit. 3. The good old 1000 mile stare. Why make it look like you are not feeling any emotions when you can make it look like you HAVE no emotions? 4. Think. This can be done with or without an mp3 player. I usually only use my mp3 player on my walks. Except the rain walks. But I am glad for the ability to just lose myself in thought on the subway. Particularly when it gets a bit too crowded.

Often though, my thinking tends to be about what happens on the subway. For instance I saw the usual complement of salespeople today. I saw a lady selling the head/wristbands I wrote about in a previous entry to this blog. That blog entry was brought on by a subway think. I saw a guy selling cellphone holders. I saw a lady selling pleather bound plan booklets, (one of which I already purchased). I saw umbrellas, beachmats, and my favourite, the lady selling the camouflage raincoats. Since it was rainy today she probably did brisk business. The reason I like these ladies so much is because they all have the identical sales pitch and right near the end they grasp the coat by two corners and snap it not once, not twice but thrice. I've seen the pitch so often I look forward to the BAM BAM BAM! I think I may start giving them a round of applause at the snapping part. You know like when we used to wait for Arnold to say, "Whatchutalkinaboutwillis?" Or at the theater when the intermission weiner finally jumps into the bun. That kind of applause.

I also like the fact that the coats are "freesize". They say that in the spiel too. Now I used to think that something either fit, was too big or was too small, but these ladies have opened my eyes to "freesize". I'll show them "freesize" Let me try one of those babies on. I guaran damn tee the hood will rip before it'll fit over my huge melon and snap the coat as much as you want but if the bottom button will fasten over my beer gut I WILL buy one! If I could speak Korean I'd say, "Okay, if it's not my size is it free?" But then I'd never see them again and I'd miss that BAM BAM BAM!

I followed a girl out of the University subway station today and couldn't help having a think about what she was wearing. She had on a pretty stylish miniskirt and top. Even her leapard umbrella was very shique. But she was wearing heels without the heelstrap fastened. Later in the day I noticed this on a few more girls. A new fashion statement perhaps. But I watched her wobbling down the street in front of me. I guess I should point out that there is no such thing as a level walking surface in Korea. How girls can wear heels at the best of times here baffles me. But she did have rather attractively polka dotted bottoms on her shoes. When I say "bottom" I don't mean the part that hits the ground, I mean the part that comes in contact with the foot. Maybe she wanted to show these off. I don't know. She's probably in the hospital with a broken ankle now.

I saw a girl this morning decked out in a beautiful array of expensive looking knockoff shoes, handbag, skirt, top, jewelry etc. Her hair was permed and perfect. She was very good looking. She had an anorexically attractive body. Her make-up was just ever so! She had probably just put it on. I almost always see girls applying make-up on the subway. Very common. Anyway this girl is probably the super high maintainence, conservative, prim and proper until you give me a rock kind of girl who has her boyfriend(s) jumping through hoops for her. The envy of all her girlfriends. And she was doing the somnambulant sway. Her mouth was wide open. Flies could have flown in and out. In fact, (and I'm not lying, I saw this today), she was forming words in her sleep. No sound was escaping her mouth but it was moving up and down. And she was oscillating left and right according to the stops and starts of the train. She had the end seat so when she went to her left she was okay but the person to her right, a lady I'd guess in her mid 40's was getting a facefull of perfectly poodle permed hair on every stop and trying her best to maintain the thousand mile stare while surreptitiously nudging this babe back into an upright position. It was priceless!

I saw an old Korean guy speaking English to a trio of Filipinas and asking the questions I was thankful he didn't ask me: Where are you from. Where are you going. How old are you? Are you married? Do you have any kids? Why only one kid? etc.

This was all in ONE day folks! I haven't even told you about people spitting on each other, calling security, drunks leaving bodily fluids behind, girlfriends popping boyfriends' zits, ridiculous, (and sometmes sexually suggestive), English on bags and t-shirts, religious zealots, beggars... I have so many stories! And I've probably missed even more while I was deep in thought.

That's the good old S.S.S. One of the solid pleasures of my day. It rarely disappoints.