Good news America!

This is going to be a post that a lot of my myriad readers will differ with. Maybe even take offense to. Don't worry, it's not bad news. It's good news!

I live in Korea and STILL I'm constantly hearing about the American "recession." Some people have even had the nerve to label it a "depression" already. You know how much time I spend in sorrow for America? None. In fact the panic stricken new anchors using scarily diving charts and graphs and proporting doom and gloom are just a beautiful illustration of exactly why the "recession" is good for America.

Let me splain. There's this new thing called globalization. Maybe you've heard of it. It's unstoppable. It's going to continue. With technology allowing other countries around the world to share all markets it's going to be good for just about everybody. American businesspeople already know that when you go to a foreign country you can give jobs to citizens and make them very happy. Jobs that pay them a tiny fraction of what you have to pay Americans. You COULD, (but come on, chuckle snicker why would you?), even lower the price of your product so it sells even BETTER. THIS part of globalization is quite familiar to America. For years they've been doing this and for years profits have increased by a fairly steady percentage every year.

But now, other countries are doing this. And other countries ARE pricing their products lower. They are becoming more competitive so that the regular increases in American business are harder to maintain. Companies in rich countries are vigourously searching for poorer and poorer countries to exploit- um, er, I mean give the privelege of building factories in. But there are only so many countries on the earth. It eventually had to happen: soon even American companies will be forced to charge more reasonable prices for their goods because they are only increasing their profits at maybe half the usual rate. The panic-stricken news reporters are trained to call this "loss" for companies. And when many companies report these "losses" it's called a "recession." It makes it easier for CEO's and people at the top of American companies to ease the "losses" by "downsizing", devaluing stock and things like that and at the same time maintaining a steady increase in THEIR standards of living while their companies have fallen on hard times. This is how so many "downturns" and "fiscal hardships" and things like that are happening yet companies are still managing to stay afloat. The companies you see going tits up are the ones that just refuse to charge reasonable rates for their products or take pay cuts. They'd rather go out of business, which can actually be more profitable for them.

This is hugely oversimplified but what it boils down to is what Americans have spent their entire existence training their citizens NOT to do: share. The world is now sharing. How many years has America made a gozillion bucks more than any other country? It seems the businesspeople of America, (and, yes other rich countries too including Canada), somehow expected that the money to even economies out around the world was going to come from somewhere else. And let's not overstate the case. It's going to be a VERY long time before things are even.

The countries that have been cheap labour for the rich countries have learned how to make stuff, saved their meagre salaries and now are producing goods themselves. But they are poor countries. They don't need to charge the outrageous prices that rich countries like America does for the same products. So everybody stops buying from the rich countries and buys from the poor. I think this is great! It's awesome how not everything is made in China or Taiwan or Japan or America any more. It's fun to look at the tags on things now to see where they're made.

Now here's the good news. I'm sure, like me, you've seen all the poles and studies that show how happy various countries around the world are. It's always the poor countries who are at the top and the rich are at the bottom. Well I've also seen first hand how happy people are in their poverty. And there's no end to the evidence of how miserable Americans are! Half the country is on one anti-depressant or another. Do you think it might have something to do with all these people joining the ratrace, or in American terms, "chasing the American dream," working long hours under highly stressful conditions trying to keep up with the Joneses and support their families rather than raise them?

Americans must buy their children rooms full of toys, pay for lessons in sports, music, martial arts, dancing etc. to keep them entertained while the majority of the world has their kids at home with them. And they have time to spend with them, cuz they aren't working 80-hour weeks. Or sometimes they just tell their kids to quit whining about being bored and get the hell outside. Where they develop socially, use their imaginations, and learn life lessons while playing with the other "poor" kids. Maybe this can partly explain why even the KIDS in America are depressed!

I was watching the first episode of the new Apprentice show. It's a "recession" Apprentice in which every contestant had some job making multi-million dollar business deals and now they're on unemployment or working a regular job like driving a bus or something. They're failures! They just can't support their families any more on mere hundreds of thousands a year. Woe, woe, woe to the American recession victims! Please!

Take it as good news, America. As your economy gets "destroyed" and you are forced to sell the yacht and maybe the fourth car or second house, you'll be all the happier for it. And maybe your kids will too! Unemployment is relaxing. Working part time frees up a lot of schedule slots to spend with family. THEN maybe, just maybe, you'll realize that all these scare tactics like having news reporters tell you how dire the economy is, how evil socialism is, how important it is to be a good "provider," and the list could go on and on, were all just mind massage to keep you productive, if clinically depressed citizens. And let countries like Bangladesh, Cambodia, and Costa Rica share some of the sorrow that comes with riches. It's all part of the SHARING of globalization.

Or maybe not. I dunno.

Survivor Nicaragua: Predictions

Another Survivor has started and it's looking interesting already. cbs.com has chosen to discontinue allowing people who are from other countries like Korea, or, I'm guessing, Nicaragua, to access the pre-Survivor videos they have to introduce us to the competitors. I found these to be very helpful the last few seasons in pre-judging the competitors and writing about them here. Now when I try to watch them a message comes up saying that they aren't available to people in my area.

So I chose to wait an entire episode before I tell you everything you need to know about these people. Also I've been warming up. I have been watching the first Survivor series on disks my good buddy Scott gave me. I didn't realize how much I'd missed. So this will undoubtedly prepare me to give you my personal snap judgements on all the people in Survivor Nicaragua. Age before beauty?

Espada tribe. (Oldsters)

Jimmy J - Gotta start with the oldest. He's a legend. Won college football championships as a player and coach then topped it off with a couple superbowls while coaching Dallas. A lot of the survivors will know him. I don't think he's a threat for the very reason he gave: NObody will give him the mil. He's already got several. If the oldsters are smart they'll keep him around for his coaching value. THEY might not need it as much, being older and wiser, but when the tribes merge, if they do, he'll probably have some major influence on the younger and more impressionable. I think a lot of his tribemates, like Jimmy T. and Marty are unwisely seeing this as a bad thing because they think he is actually trying to win the million. He's not. He might want the title of Survivor champ but if he DID win I think he'd give the money to one of the other competitors. He's PSYCHED for this. He says he's watched every minute of Survivor and he got the nervous butterfly heaves in the first episode. Something he probably saw from a lot of his players who were psyched to play games. I hope he lasts a while but think he's already a marked man. He's a proven winner but I think that's gonna be more of a detriment to him.

Danny Lembo- He looks like a mobster but that may not be a bad thing. Mob mentality could work in this game. Boston Rob tried to use it in Survivor IV in Tahiti. See? The research is paying off already. He's a real estate exec. who says he's very "connected" so he is probably trying to play up his mobster appearance. He says he'll be aggressive, cunning and devious and he'll thrive on beating everyone else. Hates modern politicians but idolizes Ronald Reagan. Reagan was an actor and this guy may be too. He does look the part though.

Jane Bright- A dog trainer who is hoping to be best in show. I'm sorry, that was too easy. lol. Says she's loveable like Rupert but smarter. Rupert was pretty darn smart so she's got to live up to her name. Lost her husband and wants to pay off her farm with the money. Says she's always busy, hates lazy folks and doesn't toodle around the house. She got the fire going right away. Listened to Probst when he said people who can't start fire shouldn't go on the show. That revved up her tribe. Marty said it reassured him that they are gonna win this thing. Southern drawl, gap-toothed farmer and the third oldest in the game. Might be underestimated and not voted for. I think she'll be strong and I think I like her already so others will too. She wants to "win America over" and I think she will. A VERY good shot to win this thing.

Jimmy T- He's a commercial fisherman with a low tolerance for imcompetence. He's already shown a hot temper, ("I'm not gonna NOT be heard here!"), on a tribe full of older people who you'd expect to be a bit more competent than, say, Fabio on the La Flor tribe. He'd better rein that in or he won't be long for Nicaragua. He won a nationwide contest to be on the show so I guess he's got some qualities America will like. But I have a feeling they're backing the wrong pony here. He's volatile and a bit of a jerk from early indications. I don't know what he's got against Jimmy J. but he made a point of telling everybody he was voting his ass off. Who does that before the first tribal council? Maybe he's an Eagles fan. Or maybe he's jealous. thought he'd be the celebrity but is "just another player here." He'll be gone fast if the oldsters are wisesters.

Marty Piombo- He's a tech. exec. whatever that means. Rescued a guy in the mountains in the winter. I didn't see any snowy mountains in the first episode unfortunately for him. Likes Lance Armstrong and says he'll be a cross between Boston Rob and Russel. Two of the best players of this game who I think would be the biggest assholes outside the game. I loved them on the show though. They added SO much! After Rob was ousted from the Marquesas I almost stopped watching. It was nice to see the good guys win that episode but I lost almost all interest after episode 8 after Rob and John said bye bye. It got boooo RING! I'm hoping Marty will keep this season interesting and be one of the villains. Called Wendy weird and I gotta agree with that. Has no idea why Jimmy J is there but was very fake friendly to him. Should be fun to watch this guy.

Wendy Jo- Goat rancher? Used to be a Lt. Col. in the army? And what was that get-up she was sporting? Did she think the first challenge would be barrel riding? She is one of the people I love to hate on Survivor that I call the blah blahs. People who are busy trying to convince themselves that "if you put your heart and mind to it you can do any.. blah blah blah..." While some people really believe in the power of positive thinking my opinion is that actions speak louder than words. The more positive you SAY you are that you are gonna succeed, the bigger a dick you appear when you fail. Winners don't need to constantly remind themselves and others how positive they are and how successful they are going to be. On the other hand, she was "blah blah blah" in another way. Her stated strategy was to put a muzzle on her yappety yap. Said she didn't want to gab gab gab and drive everybody cuh razy. How long did THAT last? She talked herself right off the show at the first tribal council.

Holly Hoffman- Swim coach twice voted coach of the year. Says that gives her a real knack for judging people accurately on first impression. She went right for Wendy cuz she got a "good vibe" from her. Then after Jimmy J. talked with her she questioned that alliance and avoided her till she voted her off. And at tribal council told EVERYBODY about the alliance like a dumbass. So far not so good.

Dr. Jill- An ER doctor. "How could I NOT be the sole survivor?" If she's an ER doc, I'm sure she has leadership skills and is good at organizing and working under pressure. She could NOT be the sole survivor by blending into the background and NOT using those skills. Like she did in episode 1. Where the hell was she? On the other hand she didn't screw anything up. The only good thing I saw from her was calling Jane "Survivor McGuyver."

Tyrone Davis- Fire captain. Inspired by God and parents. Hates plastic people. "If I want it, I'll get it done blah blah blah..." Could this guy be a bigger stereotype? I hope he shows us something more like his reaction to Wendy telling America her age: "You look so young!" (eye roll). And I liked when he said, "Wendy Jo gotta go." I think he'll be a boring nice guy but if he lets his badass flag fly I'm gonna like him.

Yve Rojas- Homemaker. Unassuming. Her daughters are her life. I think she'll be one of those bawling her eyes out at any mention of being apart from family. They always mystify me. How many people would PAY a million bucks for a 39-day break from their families? Hates not being acknowledged when she speaks. She won't have to worry about that because she doesn't speak that much. Was called on by Probst and said she could tell a lot about people and how they're checking each other out. Maybe THAT'S what she was doing the whole episode. Didn't notice her at all.

La Flor (Youngsters)

Kelly Shinn- Youngest and probably the hottest of this group. She's a nursing student/homecoming queen. She plans to play the popularity game although I think she might be outplayed at THAT by Brenda. Hates dirty fingernails. If she means her own I think she might be a lazy one. She'll need to look her best to overcome that. Didn't see much of her in episode one other than it looked like her blonde hair had black roots. I think going blonde is a pretty good strategy if that is what it was.

Jud "Fabio" Birza- Could give Robb from Survivor Thailand a run for the STUPIDEST survivor ever. Already parallels like foot injuries and boarding. He's a drummer for a band called Space Funk Odyssey. Says he's a good swimmer. Better than Ozzy. He'd better be cuz he won't be solving any of the brain teasers. When Kelly B revealed her prosthetic leg he said, "How do you tell it to move?" I hope one of the other band members write the lyrics for Space Funk Odyssey.

Alina Wilson- Listed Paris Hilton as her inspiration. Of course she was joking. Doesn't like people calling her "sweetie" or "hun." I'm like that too. Especially from strangers it's just a blatant attempt to gain dominance. Don't call me that unless I've known you a long time. But then she said, "Nothing stops me when I put my mind to...blah blah blah..." Noticed Kelly B's limp and said, "She might have a hip problem?" Then found the clue to the hidden idol with her and wished she had found it alone. I liked that she doesn't want to be associated with Kelly B because she will get a sympathy vote. I think I might like her despite being a blah blah.

Ben Henry (Benry)- Club promoter. Runs 2 businesses. He's out to show the world what it's like to be a winner. "If you look good you play good and you get paid good." Obviously very cocky. High 5ed everybody and introduced himself as Benry when the young tribe got to camp but didn't notice him after that. I'm sure we'll see more of his cockiness in later episodes.

Chase Rice- Pro Race Car Jackman. He figures people will trust him cuz he's a southerner. He might be right because instantly Shannon set up an alliance with him. He agreed with Shannon that they don't want a woman winning this thing. Then moments later Brenda said she liked his "spirit." Had intended to play an honest game but Brenda blew that with her womanly wiles. He's hooked, poor guy. Says for some reason he "trusted" her. Now what's he gonna do? He might be smart enough to play both sides though. He said to Jud that he looked like he might be good in the water. That was a sharp observation. He's gotta choose between the woman hater and the man user. I hope this country boy just abandons BOTH his early alliances. We shall see. I think he might be a guy I pull for this season. So maybe I trust southerners too.

Kelly B- Amputee. Will get a lot of sympathy. Not only for the leg but for her Dad who recently died giving aid to Haiti. Already Shannon the misogynist has stated that he'd just give her the money if he were in the final few with her. But quickly said he'll have to make sure she doesn't make it that far. Her calling everyone together looked pretty obviously like a ploy to get the sympathy vote. I think she wasted it too early. Already a lot of people are saying that her prosthetic leg won't change anything. NaOnka wants a foot race; Tyrone says they both have the same rules; Alina wishes she didn't have to share the immunity clue with her. But it looks like she might not need the sympathy. She's an Iron Man Triathlon finisher. Found the immunity idol clue with Alina and they were, in her own words, "stumped" by it. I didn't say it, she did! At any rate I think she'll be capable but whether she can turn a weakness into a strength or vice versa will be the barometer on how long she sticks around.

Brenda Lowe- Probst and I got the same impression from this hotty: "She is a sort of black widow." She already looks like she wants her first victim to be Chase. Says she's "used to guys doing what she says." "Chase likes me but he's clueless." She better hope so. I could see Shannon cluing in to the alliance and advising Chase against it. She's another blah blah. "Nothing stops me when I get an idea into my blah blah blah..." Very easy for beauty pageant winners to say. But I don't think she'll just depend on the boys to carry her along. Found the golden medallion and climbed a tree to get it. So she's not helpless on her own. But her mouth and the confidence to use it that comes to beauty pageant winners might be her undoing. When asked if she would have used the golden medallion for the challenge she instantly said the oldsters were wrong not to have used it. She further schooled them on how they have to "...think of now, not tomorrow. You're here to win!" I think she'll be a bad girl but she won't be able to hide it well enough. Won't last long if she can't.

NaOnka Mixon- P.E. teacher. No kids. Loves dogs. I am TOTALLY on her side after these three facts! Doesn't feel any sympathy for Kelly B. Bring her on! But she IS worried about others giving her sympathy. Haven't seen much of her yet but I think she might be a strong sister. If she doesn't go overboard, like the stereotypical strong sister, I'll be pulling for her.

Matthew "Sash" Lenahan- Supposed to be funny. Says he's like Tyson with the one-liners. I've noticed a pattern on Survivor: anyone who said they were gonna be funny hasn't been. I fully expect this from Sash too. His "funniest" quote so far is, "Great beach, great waves, beautiful girls... it doesn't get much better than that, right?" Meh. Distance runner so that might help. Thinks he's awesome but he might be as awesome as he is funny. We shall see...

Shannon Elkins- I think he'll be the most interesting guy on the show. I fear that he won't be around long enough to peel back all his skins, however. He's in pest control. Obviously hates women. Has made such comments as, "We already get owned in marriage." "A guy needs to sack up and take this thing." And dreads the day he sees coming when America has a female president. Misogyny central! He will probably try to exterminate the women like as many queen insects. He hates dumb people. Instantly disliked Jud and gave him the name Fabio. I thought this was extremely interesting since Shannon looks a whole lot more like Fabio than Jud. I mean look at the body! Borrow some of Kelly S's blonde hair dye and there ya go! Says he wants to win Survivor to put another notch on his belt and that he'll be like Russel only much prettier. I'm interested in the Freudian aspects of this dude. Everyone immediately knows he hates women. Calls himself pretty and has a name more often used for girls. Instantly allied with the hunkiest of the men on his tribe. Maybe he's struggling with his own sexuality. I bet he could spend hours and hours on the couch. He will certainly add some colour to this season!

It looks like it'll be a good season! A few new things I've noticed: the age groupings, the gold medallion, an amputee, a really famous person and crotch smudges for the guys walking around in their undies. Not sure if these will make it better or worse but am looking forward to finding out.

So I vote for Chase and Jane, I don't like Benry or Holly.
Interesting villains- Shannon and Brenda.
Could last a long time- Chase, Jane, Kelly B, Marty.
Alliances to watch for: Tyrone/NaOnka brotha and sista. Hey it happens. Only time it didn't was when Ghandia tried to get, what, a sexual harrassment vote by accusing Ted? And they WERE a black alliance before that.
Danny/Dr. Jill/Yve. I don't think they will last long without some sort of alliance. Danny says he's connected so make some connections. Who better than a doctor? Yve needs somebody's coattails to ride. This alliance could make them all contenders.

Sole Survivor- Marty. The person I vote for never wins and I don't think I'll be voting for Marty. But I think he'll be a good player. He won't play good, but he'll be a good player.

Just my opinion.

Harmony abounds

I can't believe Canada! When I was back there last month I noticed this new tax called hilariously the HST or Harmonized Sales Tax. This is absolutely not because it creates any harmony amongst the payers, (victims), of it, rather it was the name chosen by some brainwave working for the government who counts himself, (or I'd be willing to bet, HERself), a soothsayer who need only speak and things come into existence. The real reason for the name was because the tax works "in harmony" with the GST, goods and services tax which we have all loved so dearly and has itself been the cause of such harmony since its inception on the first day of 1991.

But it seems these days that some folks have seen a little too much Harry Potter or Crouching Tigers, Hidden Dragons, vampire movies or something. I think the name was partially chosen because these spacers in the Canadian government actually believe that the name could help people come to enjoy paying 13 or 12 percent extra on almost everything they buy. If, I suppose, it is coined and magically charged by a 12th level magic user. I may be overestimating Canadians, but I think we're all skeptical. You could call it the teenage sex-sport-simpson-lasagna-beer-booby tax and I STILL wouldn't like it. I don't care if Gandalf the Grey came up with that name. And I know that name might not appeal to my friends of the fairer sex but let's call it the teenage sex-sharing-candle-bubblebath-chocolate-champagne-romance tax and measure how many Canadian women would enjoy paying it. None of them. Not even if Oprah had come up with the name.

I'm just guessing here without a 30 million dollar referectum. Oh, did I spell that word incorrectly? I meant "referendum." This is what the Canadian government does when they think the Canadian people are trying to tell them something. They charge them a great deal more money than it actually costs to tell them what we've already made crystal clear. Our government officials have somehow perceived a slight disinclination among the commoners to pay more money for everything they buy despite such a lovely name. This might have something to do with the fact that over 700,000 people in BC, that's more than 15% of the province, signed a petition against the HST. That's gotta be at least 33% more people than the number that voted for the provincial leader whose attention they are trying to attract. And collecting these signatures probably cost Bill Vander Zalm and company a few hundred grand. But now we need a 30 bazillion dollar referectum to verify the results in the minds of the government officials.

Pity the poor government officials of Canada for their jobs are not easy. It takes a special person to try to spend/waste the avalanche of taxes they euphamistically call the provincial budget every year in ways that the public doesn't heartily object to rather than the ways that we cosistently want.

How do they get away with this? The answer is one of the factors that I believe contributes to these morons believing they have some special powers to speak things into existence. You see there is no basis to the 30 million dollar figure that has been thrown at the public of BC. In fact the person who tossed it out there probably had to wipe it off first because he/she had moments earlier pulled it out of his/her ass. But if they gave us a reasonable number like 500,000 dollars to hold a referendum, we'd probably put two and two together and say, "Hey, it shouldn't cost that much!" But nobody understands 30 million dollars. So we believe it. The government has become very adept at creating these massive numbers and it's gone to their heads. Now they're thinking, "If it works with numbers, why wouldn't it work with names?"

Give me half a million dollars and I'll do the referendum in B.C. 1000% more accurately than it's going to be done and I'll STILL have enough left over to retire on. Or just cut me in on some of that 30 mil. you're going to steal from the residents of BC, make me an MP in Smithers and I'll never tell. THEN things will be VERY harmonious for me!

Football follies

I accomplished my stated goal last night and then some! I posted on facebook that I was going to watch football until the sun came up. And I did so. It's one of the odd charms life in Korea takes on after you've lived for a decade here as a starving sports fan able only to eat lima beans like ping pong, short track and archery, a turnip like World Cup Soccer every 4 years, broccoli like Korean basketball and volleyball and in the summer the mashed potatoes of the KBO, Korean Baseball Organization. It's nice to have some roast duck like live boxing or UFC every once in a while, but the pork, beef and chicken like baseball, hockey and football, you gotta work for. AND you have to watch the fruits, or meat of your labour between the hours of 2 AM and 9 or 10 AM.

I remember in the early years here I would try desperately not to see the scores of games until I was somehow able to find them online posted without the score, download them and watch them in "almost as good as live" conditions. But sometimes friends would blurt out the score, or who won, or say things that partially compromised the mystery like, "Oh you're really gonna like the game!" or "You're not gonna believe what happens in the third quarter." These failings and the fact that although I have no qualms about cheering while I'm completely alone watching a truly LIVE game, I felt strangely embarrassed to be talking, groaning, hooting and gesticulating at my monitor that was showing me old news. Embarrassed! Of myself! You know like when you wash a cucumber or utter the word "croissant." It's not a sexual self-questioning like if you got a broner watching Adrian Peterson's bulging biceps or Randy Moss's form-fitting white tights, more a challenging of your lifelong dedication to the purity and ideals of sport. Like when you find yourself watching synchronized swimming, figure skating or Japanese ladies wrestling and enjoying it.

So I had to try to find a website that was a dependable source for live streaming video of the real sports. I tried loads of sites where people share their lives and on Sundays or Mondays their lives happened to include football. Like Justintv. Well that site sucks, obviously. Then I tried some sites like myP2P from overseas where blackouts and other restrictions DIDN'T apply. Here you find Russian, German, Italian football fans who cleverly, however nefariously, upload their broadcasts, complete with highly entertaining, non-English commentary or English non-expert commentary. But there were an endless number of programs to download like veetle, ustream, streamtorrent, vexcast, sopcast etc. and drivers and updates FOR those programs that just clogged up the old computer. Plus, the NFL, a league where they are so pathetically short of money, saw to it that very soon the restrictions DID apply overseas as well and people had to pay for their product. That's like making Americans pay for soccer. But just so long as nobody got to watch the NFL for free I guess...

You ask, "Dave, why don't you just get NFL Fieldpass?" or whatever they're calling the internet subscription that allows you to watch every game on your computer. I WANT it really badly and the price is well worth it. There's a big, hairy but coming up... BUT, they won't let a person get it unless he/she has properly prostrated him/herself at the altar of our Blessed Lady of Acquisitiveness, chanted the international capitalist mantra: "I need it before I deserve it!", and got a credit card.

When I went to HSBC in Vancouver recently to open a new account they set me up a checking account that came with a shiny new credit card. Only upon checking, re-checking then giving his head a shake and TRIPLE checking, the teller, Ronald Zhang, told me I had no credit rating. He might as well have been telling me I had an arm growing out of my ass. All adding machines, bill counting, computer tapping and office noise came to an instant halt. A collective intake of breath from the bankers as well as the customers drained the building of oxygen. For about 5 seconds I FELT like a man with an arm growing out my ass! But then Ronald proceded to the part of his teller's manual, somewhere at the very bottom, where it said, "In the unlikey event of a customer who has no credit..." and he told me I couldn't get the credit card. He told me I couldn't even get the checking account! I had to start a savings account! His attitude toward me took a decided turn after that. It wasn't haughtiness or superiority because surely a man of my age and obvious intelligence could not exist without credit. And I had told him I was getting the account mostly because HSBC was the only bank that allowed easy money transfer from Asia. He probably thought I was a secret agent or something like that. And I didn't tell him I wasn't. Who knows?????

At any rate, I ended up watching at atdhe.net and using ustream. I was able to watch most of the games I chose. There were brief stoppages due to copyright infringements, sigh and eyeroll, but I had a good night. Not so good in my football pools though. All the guys I sat on the bench had GREAT nights and the guys I played were pretty average. Oh well, at least I got to see some football. How long it'll be before the NFL notices these games slipping through the cracks remains to be seen but hopefully I'll be able to see a few more games this season. If there's a sports fan out there reading this who has a dependable solution to my sports problems in Korea, please help!

Back from civilization

Hey everybody. I've been back in Korea for a while now trying to get used to the new house, heat and humidity. Not gonna happen. But Chuseok, (Korean Thanksgiving), is almost here and that's generally the time when the weather changes. So I'll have to put up with sleepless nights, (like last night), covered with this slime that is probably half sweat and half humidity, chasing mosquitoes around the house for a little bit longer to save myself the expense of buying an air conditioner.

I'm probably doing the wrong thing since this house has ondol heating, (that's Korean floor/water heating, Korean national treasure number 112), and I've had nothing but bad experiences with that. It's just a big water heater that heats water and sends it through pipes in the floor. The pipes get clogged over the years, (and this is an OLD house), so you have to have the thing going full blast to get some areas heated. That way your house either gets super hot, (and costs you a ton of money), or the pipes all freeze, and cost you a ton of money to thaw out. You can never turn it off or the pipes freeze and cost you a ton of money to thaw out. Most, (like mine), have the boiler either outside the house or in a room that isn't heated and when THAT part of the water pipe system freezes, you have to thaw it out and it costs... And the day after I moved in here the landlady, (who is a cute, old ajjumma who has already told me she's surprised that I can cook and that I'm not married), called the boiler repair guy to get the water heater fixed. So that's probably not good either.

I just have a little electric heater and it was all I used last winter. This place is a bit larger than my dorm room so I would probably be fine with the little heater plus the air con/heater. As it is now my house is inexplicably 5-10 degrees warmer than it is outside at all times even though I'm constantly blowing outside air in with fans and leaving the windows and door open. Maybe it'll still be hotter than outside when winter comes and I won't need to use the ondol at all. Or, and this is more likely if you know anything about my adventures in Korea, maybe in winter my house will be 5-10 degrees COLDER than outside. But who knows? Maybe this is the one ondol heater in the country that's any good. Ha ha ha. It's dangerous for me to think positively like that, but I still do, as you will see as you keep reading.

So here's what happened while I was away: I got to the airport in Incheon with my round trip ticket to Vancouver and back to Incheon but I wasn't sure if my multiple re-entry permit had expired or not. Turned out it had so I asked the immigration officer for a new one. This costs about 50 bucks. She says to me, "Your work visa expires soon after you will be coming back. Why don't you just give me your alien card now and return as a visitor. You automatically get a 6-month visitor visa." I was confused. An immigration officer using discretion to save me 50 bucks. I just KNEW I should have been skeptical. I asked if that would be possible being a tourist while I still had a valid work visa. I asked about my bank account. I said that a person can't start a bank account without the alien card, will I be able to do my banking? And I mentioned that there are all kinds of other things that a non-Korean person can't do without an alien card but she assured me that there would be no problems.

I have raved on and on here about immigration officers in this country and their complete incompetence. I may be wrong. They may actually be very knowledgeable about the "rules" that are flying around this country willy nilly changing like Oprah's weight. They might just be enjoying themselves causing us foreign devils trouble. And maybe while they are faking apologetic behaviour as we rave at them for being such blockheads, just maybe after we leave the immigration offices around the country where they all regularly "screw up", they go to the break rooms and say, "Did you see that big one with the beard? I thought his face was gonna explode! Ha ha ha ha ha..." or some things like that. I'm really starting to wonder.

So anyway, I had a VERY enjoyable time in Canada. If you like you can see some pics and a little history of my trip on facebook. The photo album is called "summer 2010". But since this is a blog mostly concerned with Korea, we'll skip to the end when it was time for me to go back to Korea. I was told in the Vancouver Airport that my return ticket to Korea was no good. I instantly thought that maybe the travel agent who sold me the ticket had cashed it in while I was on vacation. It has happened before. Just recently the guy I used to deal with sold a pile of tickets to foreigners at vacation time, cashed them in while they were on vacation, closed up shop and disappeared leaving a lot of people stranded. A very "cunning" Korean business move. But that wasn't the problem. This time. The lady at check-in told me I needed some proof of my intentions in Korea. I said to her that I was going back as a tourist, what proof could I show, a camera and a flowery shirt? No she said I needed a return ticket. I wasn't about to purchase aNOTHER ticket back to Canada, which I wouldn't use, and because of some other lies I had been told by various Koreans, I didn't even have enough money to buy one!

Let's expand on that shall we? A long time ago when I started the bank account I have now, in 2004, it was still okay for a visitor to Korea to get an international bank card. You know, one where the Cirrus or Maestro or whatever logos that are on the card, are actually functional. All cards and all machines in Korea have those symbols but they aren't all international. They are now mostly just for show. So people think Korea is getting more international instead of actually getting LESS international, which is the case. Anyhoo, soon after I got my card, which really WAS international, (I used it in Canada, Thailand, the Philippines and probably Japan), there was one of these new laws instituted for the purposes of making things tougher for foreigners that stupidly disallowed these foreign bank cards. I say "stupidly" because the usurious exchange rates and service charges banks tack on for actually using the cards overseas must more than offset any fraud that Korean bankers don't trust us foreigners not to commit. Which was the stated reasoning behind this new rule. I'm pretty sure I was charged over 40 bucks for every transaction I made from Thailand last time I was there. And you don't even want to know the exchange rate! The banks are losing money on this no doubt in my mind.

I tried to protect that card for as long as I could. I even tried to get a new non-international card to use in Korea while I still had the real international card. You should have seen the teller when I tried to do that. She actually tried to snatch my international card out of my hand at one point. They did everything they could to convince me to surrender it. Including lying to me saying they could issue me a new international card. I called my Korean friend April, who works at a bank and she told me they were lying and to keep the card because they can't retroactively disallow my international priveleges. Well unfortunately because of wear and tear, the card broke and became unusable. I went to my bank and with a Korean "friend" there with me, (a guy who works for Seokang College and has known me since 2004), my bank issued me a replecement card and my "friend" and the teller swore up and down that it would work in other countries. I tried it in Canada and Japan and, big surprise, they lied.

But I had expected that. My secondary source of income while in Canada was going to be my pension. I went to the pension office in Gwangju before going home and was assured that my pension would be transfered to my Canadian account within a couple days of their receipt of my bank account information. They even showed me how much pension money I had built up. I tried to send them my information from Vancouver the day I got to Canada and started my new account. The fax number I had been given was not working. I also tried to scan it and send it to an email address the guy at the office gave me but that didn't work either because they are STILL waiting for Seokang College to submit my pension money. Before I left I went to the labour office and they actually CALLED Seokang and talked to my supervisor who said, (need I say he was lying), that Seokang was going to pay my severance pay at the end of my contract. The end of my contract was the 17th of August. Still no severance pay. They also assured me before I left that my pension was going to be available about a month after the end of my WORKING period with them. That was mid June. Another lie. I STILL have not received my pension or my severance. In fact when I got back to Korea I talked very briefly with my supervisor Penis, I mean Peter, while giving him back the keys to my office and room. He said that my pension wouldn't be available till the end of September. I said, "Don't forget the severance either," and he gave me his best Fat Tony impression, "What is severance?"

You know Fat Tony from the Simpsons? "I guess you don't know anything about those truckloads of cigarettes that were hijacked, do you Fat Tony?" "What are cigarettes? What are trucks?" I think he's supposed to sound like Joe Montegna's character in Godfather III, Joey Zaza.

So I'll probably have to go back to Gwangju to the labour office and have them call Seokang College AGAIN and inform them that it is the law to pay a month's severance upon the completion of a one-year contract. They didn't pay it to me last year or in 2005; they didn't pay it to Kasia the 6 years she taught there; and they still don't want to pay it to me. I think Cock, I mean Penis, I mean Peter just keeps my severance money every year. Him and Jung and probably director Park go out for food karaoke and singing hoes once a year on the foreign teachers. Unbeknownst to us.

But back to Vancouver. What I ended up doing was talking to a guy who had obviously had stuff like this happen before. He said he hated the Koreans who invented this rule where they fine the airlines for letting people fly into Korea without tickets out. Ahhhh so THAT'S their angle! And sure enough people at immigration in Japan and Korea both made sure I had a ticket out. Air Canada would have been fined otherwise. It's a harmless scam. Nobody gets hurt. Well, except the foreigners. Bonus! So what I had to do was buy a ticket from Korea to Japan. That was the cheapest the guy could find. I asked for one to Fukuoka since if I had landed the job at Nam Seoul I would have had to fly to Japan on a work visa run anyway. Unfortunately, I couldn't use the ticket. And, of course, since the cheapest ticket you can get is GONNA be non-refundable, (which I think should be illegal), I just paid 240 dollars for a lie some bitch told me at the immigration office at the Incheon Airport. Well you can bet that the second I got back to Incheon Airport I - did absolutely nothing. I wouldn't have been able to get a refund for the ticket. They wouldn't have paid me for the worker's "mistake." Nobody would have learned a thing. They are STILL getting people to surrender their alien cards and come back on visitor visas. All that would have happened is I would have been the red-faced irate foreigner who amused the workers at immigration Incheon making them feel a little superior and giving them a little entertainment to break up their boring days. Fuck them. Didn't give them the satisfaction.

So as you can guess by now I left my job at Seokang. I moved to a new house in Pyeongtaek and am all set up for 6 months. Bought some furniture, got the internet paid for the whole deal. I'm here because there's a school nearby called Nam Seoul University. I know three guys who teach there and they all say it's a great school. A great school! After only 10 years of searching this place I've found it! So I figure a little 6-month hiatus won't be too bad. One of the guys who worked there, Chad, said they'd jump at the chance to hire me with my vast experience here and that they were looking to hire somebody. They want people with Masters' but they have people working there without them. So I got back and went to Nam Seoul in person to give them my resume. WITH one of the guys I know who works there named John. They took my papers and told me that they were no longer looking for anyone. But then just about a week ago, a couple days before the September 1st start to the semester, I got a call. The lady on the other end of the phone said she was from Nam Seoul U. and wanted to know if I had a Masters. I said no but told her about my experience. She then asked me for a reference from my previous employer. So I said I could send her one if she texted me her email. She said someone would send me an email and I could just send it to that address. I am STILL waiting for that email. And I tried phoning the number that she called from but the number is no longer in service.

OINK! Do these people doing the hiring call teachers using burners or what? A burner is a disposable cell phone. Called "burners" in Mafia Wars because they're popular with mafia members due to their untraceability. I suppose that's the attraction to hirers here in Korea too. Anyway, yesterday I was out with Sam, another guy I know who works there and he told me that around that time all the workers were expecting their hours to go down because they had been told there would be another person hired but the teachers were suddenly told, "Nope, you're working the hours you're scheduled for." It would have been very nice of them to inform ME of their decision not to hire anybody else too!

I got another tip from Chad for a job at Cheju University. I called them and said Chad sent me. They told me on the phone that they were no longer looking for workers. Yesterday I saw an ad on Dave's ESL Cafe from Cheju University and they are looking for workers. What the hell? Am I scaring people?

Same sort of thing happened with G.I.S.T., a college I taught for last winter. I did a 3-week camp there and loved it. You can see pics from THAT on my facebook page too. So one day in the early summer I was playing tennis with Amber and Andrew, another guy who did the camp and who ended up getting full-time work teaching pronunciation to our camp students. He tells me that they're hiring another person to teach pronunciation. To the students I taught at the camp! Who better than me, right? I applied for the position. I waited until the stated date for interviews had come and gone. I even called the director of the program at G.I.S.T., who I met during the camp, and he said he'd do what he could to help my application. Didn't even get an interview call. But I checked Dave's ESL Cafe yesterday and saw that GIST is going to hire another person to start in October. Had I known that I would have gone back to Canada earlier. Anyways, I called the number on the ad this morning and talked to Hwang Hin Ho, (Triple H will be his nickname if I get a chance to meet him), and he said he remembers me from the camp. He knows the kids liked me and I got great evaluations. Better than Andrew's actually and he works there! I told him I had sent a full application package for the camp and the last ad and asked if he wanted me to send yet another one. He said it wasn't necessary. So I guess that's encouraging, right?

Have you learned nothing from this post? I'd be stupid to even hope for an interview. But, because I AM stupid, I am hopeful. The offer includes a dorm room on campus. I don't want to live in the dorms again so I will keep this place and take the 4-hour train ride home on weekends and holidays I guess. And sleep in the dorms during the week. Or if I don't really like the place, after 6 months I'll find something back in Gwangju. I'll blow up that bridge when I get to it. IF I get to it. I shall let you know, readers...

Interview week for GIST

I went on a little trip to visit some folks and to see if I couldn't get my face in the door at a couple of prospective places to teach. First I went to see Kasia in Weonju. She had had baby Clovis Jr. a week before so I wanted to be one of the first to meet the little guy. He's cute. Long, wiry, strong arms and legs. And his hair is awesome. Made me jealous. I think he liked me. He usually went to sleep when I held him. Or just looked around quietly. He's a quiet baby. We went for a walk in a nearby park, Kasia, CJ, Caroline,(Kasia's friend), Jelly Bean, (Kasia's dog), and I. I'd say we strolled around for over an hour and he never made a peep.

Kasia is in the midst of planning a trip home to the States so her family can meet CJ too and it has been a logistical nightmare for her! Clovis Sr., (Kasia's hubby and CJ's Dad), wasn't even there when I visited. He was in China having his own little nightmare. Lost his wallet of all things. Then somehow Kasia misplaced her passport while I was there. I only stayed the one day because I figured Kasia had a lot more important stuff on her plate than entertaining me. But it was nice to see the two of them.

Then I went over to Pyeongtaek to visit with Scott, Minju, Alex and Justin. Their breakfast restaurant is doing great. And now they have a little bit more free time to visit. We spent July 4th on base at Camp Humphries. It was open to the public and we didn't have to be signed on by a soldier as is usually the case. It was nice to spend the day in America! I got to go into a Bradley armored troop transport unit, (not supposed to call it a tank I was told), and even put on the headware, stuck my head out the top and said, "Okay show me something to blow up!" It was riDONKulously hot and humid on the day but other than that it was fun. I was looking forward to a concert later in the evening Hoobastank was supposed to be putting on. I like their song, "The Reason." And they do some quality song writing for EA Sports hockey games too. I went to the archery demonstration with Alex and we both got to shoot some arrows. I shot 4 and got a piece of the bull on the last one thank you very much. Although the first one missed completely and I don't know of any game or enemy who will wait around for an assailant to fire four arrows at it. So I am not quite up to snuff as yet.

The base pool is awesome! Unfortunately I didn't have a swimsuit or a change of clothes so I just sat in the table area and watched while the others swam. I also had a beer. And that was the first time all day I stopped sweating. So I cooled off with everyone else. Alex and Justin looked cute in their swimming attire. I had a nice chat with Minju and Alex's wife. I am not sure of her name or their baby's. After that we started the mini-putt, (Scott, Alex and I), and we were joined by big Alex on about the fourth hole. It was a really great course! LOTS of water! I'd say we were on about hole number 12 when the fireworks started. Since the miniputt area was among the best for viewing, a throng of people invaded our course! It was pretty hard to get people to move or even stop their kids from picking up our balls. By the end of the fireworks show the lights went out anyway so we had to quit before we finished. But I want a rematch. I wanted to stay on base and see the concert and maybe enjoy some of the barbecue I'd been smelling all day long. The ribs looked, and smelled especially succulent. But we found out that Hoobastank wasn't going to show up so we went to a little gathering at the apartment of a helicopter pilot/church friend of Scott's and Alex's named Sam. Who better to visit on July 4th than Uncle Sam? I felt uncomfortable in my sweaty, stinky clothes but the folks were nice and the air con was wonderful! And Sam's wife, (whose name I also forget), is a great baker. I had a brownie there that knocked my socks off!

It wasn't long after that we all piled into the subway and went to Seoul on a little bit of a research/book buying trip. Alex needed some textbooks and Scott wanted to get some ideas for restaurant expansion. We looked around Kyobo Bookstore and then the I Tae Won district. I used to live there so I figured I knew a little that would help. But SOOO much has changed! I didn't realize how long it had been since I'd been there. New places going up, old places being torn down. This is what happens in your old age I guess.

One thing I was happy to see unchanged was my favourite place, Woodstock. I called up Mr. Woo and told him I'd come by for a visit. The boys had fun whipping balls all over the pool table, and the floor, and Justin gave a virtuoso performance on the drums. I was having a little too much fun to go home with the Jacksons on the subway. It's just a long, boring time standing. So I stayed and caught up with a few friends I hadn't seen in ages in I Tae Weon. Next day I went back to Pyeongtaek on a compfortable bus. Slept most of the way.

The day after that I decided to go to Pyeongtaek University and look around. I had mailed in an application package about a week earlier and I thought if I could meet the people in charge of the English program it'd give me a better idea of what kind of place it was. It could also score me some points for keenness. I got there a little before noon and the place was absolutely deserted. Even information kiosks had nobody manning, (or womaning), them. So I just walked around. All the buildings were unlocked but conditions could be best described as post-apocalyptic around campus. So I found a few unmanned, (or womaned), computers, sat at one and brought up the employment ad. I found a number on the ad for more information about the job. I called and the guy who answered said he couldn't understand English. On an English ad for an English teacher you give a number of a guy who doesn't speak English. This may seem odd but it is the norm here. I thought nothing of it. There was also an email address on the ad and it was someone's name. On a hunch I spoke the name into the phone and the guy gave me her number in Korean numbers. I called it hoping my Korean number translation had been correct and it was a lady this time who DID speak English though it was pretty deep into the phone call before I confirmed that. She answered, "Yoposayo." I said, "Hi, I applied for a job in the English department here at Pyeontaek U. and since I was in town anyway I stopped by the campus today. I am on campus now. Are you?" She paused a long time before saying, "Yes. Where did you get this number?" I explained how the other guy was happy to give me ANYthing so he could get off the phone and stop speaking English. Though I think I just said, "I got it through the contact from the ad on Dave's ESL Cafe." Then I continued, "I'm on campus and if it's not too much trouble could I ask a few questions about the job and the English department." She said, "No." I said, "Oh. Are you busy now?" You have to understand there was absolutely nothing going on and NOBODY working at the place. She was ANYthing but busy. She goes, "What kind of questions did you want to ask?" I said, "You know the usual questions about class sizes, accomodations, student levels maybe look at a classroom, things like that." She then says, "There were 90 applicants for the position and their papers have all been sent to the selection committee." I said, "Yes, I sent in an application package." She FINALLY asked, "What is your name?" So I introduced myself so that she would recognize my application package. She was firm about not allowing me to go to the English department though. And I never did.

This sort of experience sets off all kinds of warning alarms for me because if things are like this when I am working there, it'll make for a long year. I got a distinctly familiar feeling from Pyeongtaek University and that is exactly what I'm NOT looking for. I'm not really sure if I helped or hurt my chances of getting the job but I am now not sure it matters. It might not be the greatest place in the world to work.

So it's now back to hoping GIST will do the right thing and hire me. I am back at my room in the Seokang Dorm breathing in fumes as we speak. When I got home after being away less than a week, there were about a bazillion ants on the floor. So before I even unpacked I had to spray down the entire floor, then wash it with soap and bleach. That still didn't kill the Raid fumes though and I breathed them in all night long. The bathroom contruction/destruction had progressed marginally in the time I had been away. They had poured cement on the floors of the bathrooms they'd dug up with the jackhammers. As luck would have it I have arrived home precisely on the day when they covered the cement with sealant. Now I'm breathing in THOSE fumes.

While I was away Peter, my supervisor here, sent me a message that he wanted to meet. I told him I was out of town. Then he sent another saying, "I think we should talk about closing your working with us." So I told him I'd be back in a couple of days and I'd call him. I think I know what's coming. He's going to try to get me out of the dorms and maybe try to get out of the contract early. I'm not going to let that happen of course. I will stay here until the end of the contract, (end of August), or until I move, whichever comes first. Also, I have the address of the Gwangju labour board and I'm going to get them to pay me severance. They didn't pay it my first year here but I didn't mind because they treated me nice. The past two years were something altogether different so I'm going to get my severance pay from them even if I have to go to the labour board. And if I do, I just might bring along the ACTUAL marks of students in my classes and tell them that if they are compared to the final grades they'd be VERY different in most programs here. I'm not sure the labour board can do anything about that but I WILL mention that I was asked several times to change the grades myself, sign the phony grades etc. None of which I did, but these kinds of labour standards and practices, (asking your workers to break the law), are probably frowned upon. If Seokang isn't fined, at least the labour board will demand a huge bribe not to report the findings. Either way heads just might roll around here when the owner has to pay the fine or bribe and I think I know which heads they will be.

But I'm not sure I'm gonna do that yet. Depends how things go when I meet with Peter. I'm not yet ready to put any faith in a Korean government agency. I may not even be able to get help from the labour board getting my severance. It'd be nice if all this could be avoided but that's just not the route they have chosen these past two years. I'll keep you updated.

Ah, summer in Korea!

It looks like I won't have the choice of working back at Seokang where I work now. I've been told they won't be re-contracting me here. As I said I really doubted I'd be back even if they DID want to re-sign me because of the problems I have had. If you haven't been reading my blog, let me give you a very clear idea of what I mean. My supervisor, who I call Peter, (although his name is Na Ki Duk), was the one to tell me the bad/good news, in his own ultra Korean way, that they don't want me any more. Here's the message he TEXTED me: "Before next week's official notice I hope you have time to arrange your new place to work ASAP. Thank you for working with us for last two years. Good luck!"

First of all there was no official notice for anything. He is just doing what they have always tried, and failed, to do with me: treat me like a well-trained Korean who would fall for this shit. He's trying to make me think that there is some kind of official notice to force me out of my room in the dorm within a week or "ASAP," whichever comes first. So I text back, "What "official" notice are you talking about? I am under contract till the end of August." He texts back "I am in Philippines now. I will contact you on June 30 in Gwangju." So I text back, "And what new place of work? You are saying I gave you notice to quit without my knowledge?" He texts, "Right.We will not make a new contract with you. Sorry."

It's June 27th and I got that message four days ago. I suppose I am expected to clear outta here by the end of the month to make room for my replacement, no doubt a dirt cheap "teacher" from the Philippines. That's what they tried to do LAST time they got rid of me and THAT time it crashed and burned. Probly will again.

BUT they didn't want me going without having a little more fun with me before I left. Two days ago I stayed up late to watch stupid soccer. Two offensively talented teams, Portugal and Brazil, going at it so I thought it would be one game I could watch without falling asleep. Final score 0-0. Then the next morning after only a couple hours of sleep, I get woken up by jackhammering right outside my room. And it goes on and on and on all day long! They are taking out the tile floors of the bathroom and shower areas, right outside my door, and I suppose putting in new stuff. It's not just the jackhammering that would have been nice to have been warned of, it's the fact that they turned off the cold water. This means I can't shower, do laundry or flush my toilet. I still have water from the hot water side that is scorching hot when the hot water is on and cold when it's off. So I have to fill a big pot with water to pour into the can after I drop a deuce. It's Sunday today and Korea played, and lost, last night in World Cup so there are no workers here today. There is still no change in my water situation and I'm guessing tomorrow, early, the jackhammerers will be back and who knows when I'll have laundry and shower priveleges again?

I thought of typing, "But at least they haven't shut down my internet yet!" But that would be foolish wouldn't it? If this entry has an abrupt ending, it's Murphy, or his Korean equivalent, "Muppy", at it again.

Other job prospects have been pursued. This past week was stated as interview week for Yeungnam University. I was notified by them that I would be given my interview time and place during the week. I waited all week and received nothing. This may appear disheartening but it's nothing out of the ordinary around here. They are most likely waiting for a guy with 16 Doctorate degrees to decide he hasn't been getting enough kimchi in his diet and that his students somewhere back in the educational first world, are too responsive to proper teaching methodology to pose any kind of professional challenge to him. Sometime around the end of August when places like Yeungnam realize that this guy doesn't exist and decide to settle for far superior teachers with less wall paper, I'll get another notification from them telling me how things were very hectic in June and they appologize for losing touch.

My REAL hope is for a job I've applied for at Gwangju Institute of Science and Tech. GIST. That's where I did the winter camp this past January. One of the guys I worked with at the camp, Andy, is the only teacher in their new freshman English program. They are looking for another to work with him. Since I've already met my prospective supervisors, co-worker, and students, AND LIKED THEM, I think this would be a great job for me. Here's hoping they aren't holding out for Doctor 16!

I will be called for interview/teaching sample sometime starting July 8th. If I get the job I'll be notified by July 23rd. That'll be enough time for me to move my junk and still make it home to Canada for my 25th grad reunion on July 30th. If I don't get the GIST job, and haven't found something else as a back-up plan, I think I just might pack everything up and ship it home. I really think I need a couple more years here in Korea before I have enough money saved to move home for good but I may not have that, cough cough, luxury.

And speaking of luxury, I think I'll find a cheap hotel for the night so I can have a shower and a shit. Maybe find a laundromat too. Ah, Korea in the summer time!

Long Time No E

Wow! I guess this is what happens when you try to juggle TWO blogs, a job, a wife, 3 kids, a couple dogs, a coaching position and a role as advisor to the minister of education. Even when most of them are made up! It's been a while!

I started an entry but actually got too depressed about it to finish it! It was about the underwater geyser of oil in the gulf. 40,000 gallons a day! That kills me! I don't know how long it takes them to reach the depth they're at but it seems to me the smartest solution would be to drill another hole into the deposit, with bigger pipe, (and this time one that is controlled), and the flow into the gulf would be either limited or stopped completely. Surely they could have reached the deposit by now with a second hole!

With everything from garbage plugs to Aquaman commanding sea creatures to suicidally swim into the hole en masse being discussed as solutions it's strange that I haven't heard this suggestion. It could be that it takes a long time; it could be that they don't have big enough rods; it could be the fear that a bigger hole would make the original hole suck salt water into the deposit and contaminate the re$t of the depo$it; I don't know. But there are probably plenty of rea$on$ why that ha$n't been done.

I don't wanna talk about that though. The greed of some human beings sickens me.

There have been other things happening that are blogworthy. First and foremost I have finished another semester of teaching here. I still have to hand in the final grades and finalize the attendance but my classroom work is done. I'm planning a visit to Canada. But I don't want to go until I have an idea of what I'll be doing HERE when I get back.

I would consider another year at Seokang IF they provide me with off campus housing or a monthly housing allowance. In talking with Maris and Erin, the other guy and girl I work with, (respectively), I found out that Maris has a 400,000 won/month housing allowance. Okay, he does have a masters degree in music and the whole point of us being at this place is to legitimize its existence. Now not only can Seokang student recruiters say they have actual TEACHERS working at this place, (to make it appear like it's a school), but they can say they have a guy with a MASTERS degree! Wallpaper draws a lot of water in these here parts. His masters is in music. If he were teaching music, or musical ESL or English through Gilbert and Sullivan, then okay, maybe he deserves the housing allowance I've been prostrate in supplication for lo this past score and a dozen moons... but he's not. He's doing the same stuff I've been doing for three years longer than him. And there is a distinct learning curve with this place. It's not your average sham school where people are level tested to be sure they can handle a class taught in English, it's bring us your poor, your huddled masses, your DEAF, and we will teach them conversation in a foreign language. Well, not "we", some foreign folks will. With foreign degrees! Really! They can do it! This piece of paper is proof! And the parents say, "Well, since you have proof..." and fork over an obscene amount of cash. Very little of which goes to the earner of that piece of paper, I might add.

New teachers are always shocked to see the average English level here. It's such a shock because by their 20th year here EVERY Korean has been exposed to at least 10 years of English study. It is nigh onto impossible for them to emerge so Shadrach Meshach and Abednego unscathed from THAT fiery furnace! But, here we are at Seokang teaching these miracles the basics. Erin told me in her 2nd or 3rd week that she went over all the verb tenses. I'm sure she did, but I'm also sure her students didn't learn them. I covered present tense, (what do you like?, what do you do?, how often do you...?), and present progressive, (what are you doing?). I touched on future with a palm reading exercise and a dice rolling fill-in-the blanks sort of mad lib but in 16 weeks, 32 hours of class time, I couldn't finish future tense with my students. Maris told me he did pretty much the same amount as me. Good for him! He's learning fast. Next semester we'll make things even easier. That's how it goes around here. By the end of next year, if I stay, I'll be teaching the alphabet and phonics.

To be fair, I'm only talking about some of the programs here. This session it was my Thursday classes - the hotel cooking program. The worst I've ever taught. Last semester it was the same. I honestly don't know where they dig them up! There are other programs like the EMT program. Word to the wise: if you are in an accident don't even bother trying to communicate in English with the people who come in the ambulance. But there are GOOD programs here too! This semester and last my superstars were the Physical Therapy program. Everybody does their homework EVERY week. They threw me birthday parties and teachers day parties. To give you an idea, the other day I was writing something on the board while teaching how to describe the way people look. I was asked a question, (which is something else they do and the cookers don't), and by mistake I wrote "glassed" instead of "glasses" on the board. A student pointed it out and I corrected it before class finished but, bless their hearts, about a dozen people wrote "He is wearing glassed." on the final exam. I didn't deduct marks.

If ever I have a semester without the good to offset the bad here, I think I'll go insane. And I predict those days are coming. Classes are going to get larger and academic standards will probably decrease in the good programs rather than increase in the bad ones. For this reason and, as you know, the stupid dorm situation, I have been looking for other employment. Just testing the waters for now but it could be a moving year. A couple places have already shown some interest.

And things are happening with the Tigers too. That's the main reason I haven't posted here. I'm busy with my Kia Tiger blog. And I've been trying to watch as many Tiger games as possible. And going to the games has provided me with some pretty good blog fodder as well.

Gwangju is known in Korea, by Koreans, as sort of a deep south. You know what I mean if you're American. A kind of banjo playing, squeal like a pig, hicksville. I dunno, maybe it's the heat. People from Gwangju are not well known for their subtlety. They're loud, brash, in-your-face kind of folks. I've always taken that as a kind of endearing honesty. But it's changing. Yesterday while walking to the game a busload of kids opened up their windows and hit me with a barrage of nationalism. As I've said before here, the difference between "I love Korea" and "I hate every other nation in the world" is ignorance. There are military, economic and probably many other advantages to training a people to be ignorant. It's on the INcrease in Korea despite their claims of globalization. And nowhere is it more obvious than in Gwangju.

At first accosters act like they are being nice to you by saying "Hi," because they want you to respond. The whole mooing at a cow phenomenon. But after they get the HILARIOUS response of, "Hello," or if you completely ignore them, they get to the true purpose of the confrontation: making fun of the foreigner and/or making the foreigner feel uncomfortable is hilarious and will make you not only look like a comedian to your friends, (no matter how stale and unoriginal your technique), it will also make you look like a good Korean. It is my opinion, (it's blatantly obvious in some cases), that this phenomenon figures greatly in the problems I have with the cooking classes as well.

Anyway, these little bastards were hiding behind their window curtains yelling obscenities at me for quite some time while their bus was stopped at a light and I walked by. I don't know if it was a school bus or some kind of private function but the teachers or leaders weren't putting a stop to it. Maybe they were proud at the nationalism of their charges. Or maybe they were yukking it up with them, passing along some good English zingers to try.

You might think I'm misreading things or I'm paranoid or just tired of Koreans. Or maybe you might think that in their ignorance they don't know they're being impolite at the low end or absolute racist pricks at the top end. It's not at all the case. I know this because it only happens when they are in groups and when they are in the safety of a bus or far enough away that I won't go over and kick asses. The other day I was about 100 yards from my door, (every time I leave my room, folks), on the way to the Tigers game wearing my Tigers cap and jersey and I was texting a friend telling her I was on my way to the ballpark, when some jackass says for the benefit of his friends, "Kia Tiger. Niceu pashion seu tyle!" (nice fashion style) I had lost sight of my phone screen and right after he said this I stopped so that I could get a better look at the message I was sending. The kids, who were I'd say high school age, thought I stopped to confront their asshole friend. So suddenly I hear, "Oh sorry sorry!" and some scurrying to get to that safe distance away from the foreigner they had angered.

Being a large target, accosting ME also makes these buggers look tough to their simple-minded friends. I have to constantly remind myself that it is all part of their training and not really their fault. But I'm not sure how long I'll be able to hold out.

Anyway, on the same day I encountered the busload of patriots, I got to the stadium and it was suspiciously empty. I went directly to my usual seat and wondered why there were so few people. Unfortunately even though there were entire rows of empty seats a group of already lit up folks sat right on top of ME. This one guy was their spokesman and he started soju-slurring some Korean that I probably wouldn't have understood had he been sober. He shook my hand with his dark brown, rock-hard partial right hand, which was missing the tips of Peter Pointer and Toby Tall, squeezing MUCH harder than necessary and holding the shake about twice as long as he should have. Then he looked around for prospective translators asking people if they spoke English because what he had to tell me was, to him, quite urgent to impart. The couple directly behind us waved their hands and said that they don't speak English at all. Eventually we agreed to speak Korean and I understood that he had met me in 2009 at a game and we had drunk beer together. I usually drink at ball games although recently I have been taking medicine for my annual summer sweat rash. Oh that reminds me: have to take my pill. Only two more and I can drink beer again.

So after he had established our lengthy friendship he decided to give me a beer. I refused and explained to him that I was taking medicine for my skin. He badgered and prodded and poked and pressured and encouraged me to relent but I held firm. So he brought up some soju and told me that it was made in the area that his family is from. Again I politely refused. So he introduced his wife to me and pointed out his 15-year-old daughter who was still in her middle school uniform and sitting several seats askance. He then introduced his two buddies, both of whom were also well tanned and had weathered skin and firm, calloused handshakes. He never did introduce the large-eyed toddler with thinning hair in a pony tail that originated from the top of her head and was cropped by a pink bow, and the white, Samsung credit card balloon tied to her wrist.

He then asked me my age. Having been in this country as long as I have I am completely desensitized to the question and immediately answered. He was two years older than me, which made him "Hyeong," meaning older brother, and just in case that meant a damn to me he and his cohorts embarked upon a fresh salvo of soju suggestions. In Korean drinking culture the younger MUST drink at the behest of the older even if you have good reason not to. I have had students with alcohol allergies who were forced to drink at school, family, social or company get-togethers. I was not put off in the least by their persistence admittedly because I was proud that I had met a Korean of similar age who actually looked older than me. It is most often the other way around. Maybe soju preserves people...

By the time the game started the group had relented to only occasional alcohol pushing and seemed satisfied that I accepted a few pieces of chicken from them. Even THAT I had to put a stop to though. However, it became aparent to me that the baby's balloon presented an obstacle to my view of home plate and the batters. I didn't want to seem ungrateful and ask them to do something about it although I'm sure they would have cut the balloon loose at some point of the string or the baby's apendage to be hospitable to me. So I decided to move a few seats to the other side of my old friend toward the wife and middle school aged daughter who were in the row directly below us on the homeplate side of the opaque, white balloon. The couple in the seats behind had done the same.

This solved my line of sight dilemma but it seemed to be taken as a slight by my soju swilling old friend. He went rather silent after this. On the other hand, the mother became the focal point of the soju shenanigans. A slight trickle of rain started to fall. The mother made a big show of rushing to the concession stand and purchasing a 1000 won white, plastic raincoat for the middle school student. Not to have her maternal instincts outdone by anyone in the crowd, she took her two yellow, plastic, noisemaking tubes called "thundersticks" and used them to shelter her already covered daughter from the elements by holding them above her head. An extra white raincoat was bought by the man but he had to do his fatherly duty and outlast the elements and the mother had to be a pelicanesque sacrificial nurturer to her daughter so the extra raincoat lay open and getting wet on the inside sprawled across two empty seats. A pelican will peck at her chest to draw blood upon which her babies can feed.

All this time the baby, unprotected by rain gear of any sort, had climbed up on the mother's back several times and was shaken around as Mommy was dancing and cheering for the Tigers. More than once she was jarred loose as Mommy sat down or stumbled. Once the baby landed in MY row and her feet were caught between the cement where she had landed and her mother's seat. To make matters worse she had bumped her head on the seat in my row a couple seats away. I tried to help the little girl but her mother immediately pushed my hands away and began pulling her screaming baby who she must have thought had gained a thousand pounds or so. Soon several surrounding fans began yelling over the babies screams to the mother that the baby's foot was caught. A Korean guy from a few rows down was allowed to dislodge the infant. The woman scooped it up, pulled up one side of her jacket and began breast feeding it.

If you've been to Moodeung Stadium you'd know that there is no way to avoid contact with people in front of you. They are pretty much sitting between your legs if you are of average adult, western size, which I am. I may be wrong but during the times when she was intermittantly breast feeding, the wife seemed to rub her elbow against my leg more often than usual. And even though I was intently watching the ball game, I got a couple very clear boob shots. Too clear to be unintentional it seemed to me. I'm not even gonna say she had a bad rack, but for the sake of manners I moved farther down the row. Now the group was SURE I was dissing them. It wasn't long before they left without saying goodbye to me.

I was now directly behind an attractive, university-aged girl with a massive umbrella. Again my vision was impaired. So I moved even farther in. It wasn't long before some guy with a big Kia Tigers flag began waving it directly between me and home plate! I couldn't believe it! So I move UP one row and ended up standing beside the couple who spoke no English at all. Before long we were watching in the pouring rain. It tends to scare all but the real fans away. And it brings the real fans closer together. It turned out that the couple's names were Joon and Joon. We introduced ourselves and had a good game together communicating our favourite players, baseball strategies, high fiving when Kia scored and just chatting together - in Korean AND English.

It would almost seem anti-climactic to tell the story about the guy directly behind me who had a siezure at a game last week and how I physically pushed two girls off of him. They figured it was necessary to push really hard on the guy's face to protect him from the siezure I guess.

Sigh. Oink.

Another Dave's Top Ten

Last few entries I've been Mr. Buzzkill. Time to accentuate the positive a little bit. So here we go with ten things that are going pretty good for me right now. They're really not in order so pay no attention to the numbers.

10. I just poured myself a glass of Crown Royal and Coke. It's nice to have a taste of Canada now and then. It's hard to find Crown Royal in these here parts but I got some last time I visited Scott and Minju and I think I'll pick up another bottle when I visit them next time.

9. That'll probably be the Buddha/Alex Birthday weekend. Buddha's Birthday is Friday the 21st and Alex's birthday is Sunday the 23rd. And I'm looking forward to a beer and wing night at Bacon And Eggs, (Scott and Minju - proprietors). And maybe we can go the whole day without checking the hockey scores and watch the games that were played at 8 in the morning that day. Do a mini hockey pool for the game. That'll really be cool! Especially if the Canucks are still in the playoffs by then.

8. Speaking of the Canucks, they have about the strongest team they've had the whole time I've been in Korea and THIS is the first year I've really been able to watch them. I wake up every morning to watch the NHL playoffs. Or, (like today), am woken up by some guy smoking outside my window who hears me snoring and hammers on my window to wake me up. Heh heh. That sounds negative doesn't it? Well it was nice of him to show concern for the health of my throat and vocal chords. Who knows, maybe I stopped breathing and he was waking me up to save my life. It's a possibility. And the nice thing was, I would have been awakened by the smell of his cigarette anyway so being shocked awake and bolting upright in my bed was only slightly less pleasant. Uh, he DID wake me up at 8 AM, right when the games started. So I had that goin for me. Anyhoo, haven't missed many games yet. And when I have to work or something, I just watch the game from the archive. It's nice to have NHL Gamecenter!

7. I can also do that with the Blue Jays this year! I haven't watched many games yet because hockey is more important but once hockey's done I got MLBTV from the Jacksons for my birthday so I can watch a LOT of baseball. It's in the mornings too but if I have enough bandwidth I can watch the archived games.

6. I downloaded a spyware killing program today that seems to have gotten rid of a lot of the bugs that were slowing my computer down. Now with the little bandwidth I have I may be able to watch baseball games again.

5. If not, the semester is hastening to a close. I looked at my calendar today and realized because of Seokang sports week this week and its anniversary May 20th, I only teach the Thursday classes 3 more times! And the one class will be notebook/homework check and giving a review, (telling them the answers), for the test. That means I'm really only going to have to teach them 2 1/2 more lessons! YEEHAW! And when all the students are gone from the dorms I get more bandwidth! So I can watch baseball in HD!

4. The Kia Tigers are on a hot streak! They've won 5 in a row now and if they keep playing like they're playing they'll soon catch up to the Bears and Wyverns at the top. What they're doing is exactly what I've been writing about in my OTHER blog devoted to the Kia Tigers. Running more, stealing more, swinging away, NOT sac-bunting, even the hit-and-run! I was at a game recently with Amber, (my Aussie friend who is really catching the baseball bug here), and the Tigers hit and ran a FEW times! They kicked ass that night too! Scored in almost every inning. That's the way I'd coach this team all the time. I think maybe the coach is reading my blog and now he's gonna take credit for all my baseball wisdom and the way it's paying off. But I don't care. He can have that in exchange for me slaggin' his ass all the time. Heh heh.

3. Summer is still not here. I haven't used my air conditioner yet and have only been visited by a couple moths, ONE mosquito and a hornet. How can I hope to keep mosquitoes out of my room if HORNETS are getting in? I wish I knew how they're getting in here! I'm not gonna jinx things by actually saying that as yet there are no blabbety blabbety blah, but it's unusually late in the year for them to show up.

2. I'll probably be going back to Canada in August for a visit. I still need a year or two more here before I can return for good. I reckon. But I'm hoping to get my banking and storage situations straightened out. That'll be two loads off my mind. And it'll be great to visit friends and family! And to see the "old country." Ha ha. Looking forward to it.

1. I have been a good boy this year. Even with the Canada holiday this will probably be my best year in Korea yet. I've avoided Seoul; tried to save as much as I could; I've kind of hibernated in my room a bit; didn't make any big purchases like a move or a fridge or new golf clubs; and I got lucky with a great winter camp. I'm hoping to find one or two camps this summer to make this year a beauty financially. World financial crisis - shmorld shminancial shmrisis! I'm recession proof!

There. A positive post. Didn't think I could do it, didja?

Wry Face

Okay kids, the vocabulary word of the day is "wry." Who can tell me what it means? We've all heard of and probably seen a "wry" smile, or a "wry face," but what Webster or Roget amongst you can put it into words? A little lit. for ya, Victor Hugo in Les Miserable said of Paris, "Its hurricanes spring sometimes from a wry face. Its outbursts, its great days, its masterpieces, it's prodigies, its epics fly to the ends of the universe, and so do its cock and bull stories also."

I don't know much about Paris or France, certainly not as much as old Vic did, but I can tell you a little bit about Asia and take it from me it's much the same here. "Wry" can mean dry and mocking. It can be used to describe an expression of disgust, disappointment or mockery. Here is a pretty thorough definition.

As most people know, "face" can have a different meaning when applied to Asia. Saving "face" has historically led to people doing any number of extreme things not excluding suicide. Japanese culture brought us "hari kari" or "seppuku" a ritual suicide that consisted of a person shamed, or a person who has "lost face" plunging a dagger into his/her abdomen in a slicing motion from left to right. It was originally used as part of the Samurai honour code as a way to die an honourable death rather than be killed by one's enemies. But it was also used as a way to make amends for a perceived disgrace.

Korea abounds with stories, (hurricanes? masterpieces? epics?), of businessmen caught in financial scandals killing themselves; students failing to achieve high scores on college entrance exams holding hands and jumping off the school roof; even recently a former president, Roh Moo Hyun throwing himself, (?), off a cliff in what many believe was a suicide due to the allegations that he took 6 million bucks or so in bribes from businessmen while in office. I am skeptical about that one. I believe it could just as easily have been a murder committed by any of the many businessmen exposed by Roh's vigilant fight against corruption that is at the heart of business in Korea but Koreans prefer to memorialize Roh in an honourable way so we won't get into that right now. And as you know if you've read this blog a time or two, I believe this "face" has degenerated into not much more than a great cock and bull story used by "clever" people to lie to, steal from and cheat the not so "clever."

I guess it's because I am in the "education" racket here. Nowhere is "face" more aparent. Now you may be thinking, "Dave, what about the business world?" Well, dear reader, as I've said a thousand times if I've said it once, the very reason I never type the word "education" when referring to what it is the Koreans have here without quotation marks bookending it is because education IS business here. It has been since '45 when the Japanese occupation was brought to an end. At the end of WWII Koreans thirsted for education and they still do. But rather than use that as a way to create a free thinking, well adjusted population, it was perceived as a great demand that could be used to make big bucks. It's hard to blame Korea for this since the country was pretty poor in '45 and since then it has become an economic miracle of sorts. So you can say the approach worked. But where I find fault is the little, if any, progress that has been made educationally since.

This is a huge jump in logic, but it's my blog and I can jump if I want to: I watch a LOT of Korean baseball and one of the biggest differences is the reluctance of scorers to give errors. I saw an absolutely hideous game a few days ago when Kia played LG and both teams were booting balls, throwing wild, missing catches and at the end of the game there were 2 errors on the board when there should have been about 10. "Face" is even made a part of things that are NOT Asian over here. Bunting in Japanese baseball, (and the source of most of my frustration with the Kia Tigers strategy), is done not so much strategically, but as a way to appease fans who expect it. Or so the story goes. If the coach doesn't call a sacrifice bunt with a guy on first and nobody out, it might be perceived as a failure. And nobody fails in Asia.

This brings us back to "education." I can't tell you how many times I've been told to fudge grades and attendance here. It's midterm exam time and I have three Hotel Cooking classes who performed abysmally on their midterms. In class A, (which I call class F), 5/45 passed the midterm. Class B 10/45. Class C 9/45. That's less than 18%of my students who were able to get 50% on their tests. And I was a bit surprised those numbers were so high. This is with an incredibly easy curriculum dumbed WAY down and MASSIVE hints given a few days before the exam virtually telling them what was going to be on it.

I have no doubt that at the end of this session after they have similar results on the final exam I will be presented once again with a list of "amended" grades upon which every student has been magnanimously given no less than 75%, including the ones who never saw the inside of my classroom, and asked, with a wry smile, to sign it. This has always been what I figured would be the death of my career in teaching here in Korea.

Another big jump: What are the currencies of Korea, China and Japan, or at least their Anglicized equivalents respectively? Won, Renminbi, and Yen. Look at the first letters of those currencies and you will see the point of this blog entry. The wryest smile I've seen is from administrators in the various "schools" where I've worked telling me I need to grade on a curve; I need to have a minimum of 10 A's, 10 B's and a maximum of 10 C's; asking or demanding that I sign fraudulent grades or attendance and all because they are trying to save "face" for the students. What a crock of shit! It's all done to increase or maintain enrollment numbers, or what I more accurately refer to as, "recidivism" numbers.

So if ever this post comes to public attention and it is perceived as having cost the Korean "education" system face, do you suppose the Seoul Superintendant of Education, (who is pretty much in charge of everything because he's in charge of the budget and curriculums), will blow his head off to save face? Ha ha. Get it? Blow his head off to save face? I think not. But what would be for more likely is some thugs coming to my room and killing me then leaving a suicide note that says I was shamed by the many false grades I turned in and the crimes of academic fraud I had perpetrated over my years in Korea. This is what caused me to stab myself. In the back. 17 times.

I want you to know I will never commit suicide or do anything drastic like that to "save face." Furthermore I never have, nor will I ever sign the phony grades or attendance I'm continuously asked to sign. And I won't commit any other kind of academic fraud whatsoever. But I guess this post could be altered too.

But if I make it out of Korea before that happens and I return to Canada, (and the day is hastened by the phenomenon of which I write), and I am interviewed by a school for a position most likely as a substitute teacher they might ask me how many years of experience I have. My reply will be something like, "About 15 years, but only the years in Canada really count." You can bet I'll say it with a wry face.

Gods in the machines

It's been a while since I waxed philosophical on yer asses. I guess it's been a while since I've waxed a lot of things. Poetic, romantic, a car, my bikini line... But that's probably because lately I've waxed lethargic.

It's my Thursday classes. They aren't so much peopled with students as succubi and they drain every ounce of life out of me so that by Thursday night I just say, "Calgon, take me away! Serenity NOW! Balloonball!" Or whatever works. Usually I have barely enough power remaining to drink lots of beer and try to devise ways to stop kids from coming to class or to catch an illness that will last until the end of the semester. That combined with accomodation hell, the absolute absence of educational standards and practices at my workplace and the unconditional certainty of meeting with some xenophobic, ignorant and stupid treatment EVERY time I leave my room, leads to a lot of time wasted in my room watching movies and TV on my computer. A lot of time.

But today after a reasonable amount of sleep that was only interrupted a few times by rude, noisy, drunken students, I feel like I have a bit more physical and mental energy than usual. And I thought I'd get back to putting that excess marblage to work solving the problems of the world.

I saw a TV commercial recently for a Ford truck that featured computerized braking, fuel injection, guidance system, climate control, collision sensors the whole deal. And I recently chatted with some people about a hideous losing streak my character was on in a facebook role playing game I play. They all told me it was just the random roll of the die. These things got me a-thinking.

Are we really putting that much trust in computers nowadays? For my money the smart automobile shopper steers clear of all the extra wiring and computerization because it all just leads to extra headaches. And they are expensive headaches. I know from experience. I think all the specialized computer shit in vehicles nowadays is actually DESIGNED for the purpose of making vehicles impossible to repair at home, making them more expensive to repair at the service centers and making motorists visit those service centers a lot more frequently. And if you get scumbag mechanics like the ones I always seem to find, they can temporarily fix problems so that you'll have to fix the same problem a dozen times. Why not just buy a new vehicle altogether? There are lots of improvements and technoligical breakthroughs on the new models!

How often does your computer need servicing? If you're like most people it breaks down regularly. Even Bill Gates' computer screws up regularly! People believe it's because of these mysterious viruses and hackers and crap but really it's just that they aren't well made yet. Maybe they never will be. The same goes for those car parts we put all our trust in. But if we knew how volatile and undependable electronics really are we probably wouldn't buy so much. Maybe we would but we certainly wouldn't pay so much for this junk.

Here's a question for you: How many TV Repairmen do you know? How about people who fix phones or video cameras or even cameras? Nobody does this any more! Things are made poorly and repairs are hard to find or too expensive if you find them. And new updates and improvements come along just often enough to keep us buying new shit every couple of years. Whether we want to, need to or not. Here's a word to look at: capitalism. Capital means money. Ism is a doctrine or practice of support or even love. Folks, capitalism is the love of money and that is the root of all evil. Isn't it?

But the more we get herded into the electronic culture, the more we settle for the mediocrity of the products. Computer generated "random" is the best example I can think of. If you've ever played computer poker and real poker with actual concrete paper made from trees cards, you'd know beyond a doubt that there's a massive difference. There has never been a good "random" program created and there never will be. And I've played a lot of computer games with "random" card flipping, dice rolling etc.

It's like baseball. I've seen and played enough of it to know beyond a doubt that when the leadoff hitter gets on first, sac bunting him to second is never a good play. I don't need statistics to back me up, I just know from experience. But we don't trust fallable human beings any more do we? We need a computer to figure it out. Same with dice rolling or card dealing or any other supposedly "random" actions computers are designed to perform. They aren't random, they are highly organized, orderly, and structured sequences that are programmed to give the appearance of "random." It's easy for any human to tell the difference. If you look hard enough and keep statistics long enough you can find the patterns. This is how people came up with the probability matrix that PROVES a runner on first base with nobody out is more likely to score than a runner on second with one out. And this is how guys can "cheat" slot machines in Vegas.

But really, who are the ones being cheated? People are more and more reluctant to recognize the obvious limitations of electronics as they become more willing to accept, (and pay thru the arse for), the latest technologies. We are willing to replace reality with something synthetically designed to simulate it. And soon we will have been told so many times that there IS no difference that we'll believe it. And we'll be cheated out of reality.

Just look at another word: TECHNOLOGY. Tech is technical like made up of lots of parts that do things that are just magical to the average person. No means no. Negative. And one of the meanings of "log" is to achieve. Tech no achieve...y.

Okay, having said that, I use my computer a lot. I have a cell phone an X-box and a Wii. And despite the many problems I have with ALL of them, in general I get more pleasure than pain out of them although sometimes I wonder...

BUT, who are these lunatics trusting computers with their lives as they're hurtling down the road at 70 M.P.H.? Trusting computers to keep their life's savings safe? Believing that computer random is just as good as real random? These are people who'd probably rather whitewater raft or bungee jump in virtual reality; rather see the pyramids, Angkor Wat or the Great Barrier Reef on a 60 inch plasma screen; rather have sex with a robot than a real person. Well, okay there IS something to be said for that last one since the robot doesn't come with any baggage. But come on!

The longer I stay in Korea and am bottlenecked into this dependancy on electronic living the more I understand the Ahmish. I wouldn't go quite as far as them but maybe someday I'll marry a nice Ahmish gal and we'll compromise. We won't abandon technology but we'll only use the old stuff. We'll drive only vehicles we can fix ourselves. We'll play games with real cards and dice and spinners and bubble poppers and such. We'd do activities with other real people instead of e-friends. We'll chat offline. Tweeting will be the sound in our back yard. We'll virtually have sex, we won't have virtual sex. We'll raise a family of humans not Sims. We'll have a couple of dogs not a Zhu Zhu or a Tamagotchi. We'll buy things with cash, if it's still available to use. And we'll go to the store to get them instead of looking at a 3-D image of them that is "even better than the real thing."

Ahhh but who am I kidding. This would be so Thoreauian and potentially harmful to our owners that we'd be declared either insane or criminal. Or criminally insane. And we might be arrested or institutionalized if somebody can be found to leave their house long enough to go get us. It would have been worth it though. And I'd shout it from my jail cell every day.

But now I'm waxing idyllic. Even romantic. Lotta waxing today.