Much ado about moo and Tzu

Sometimes the things you like best about people are the same things you hate the most. I am often turned on by a simple, even simple-minded, uneducated girl who is blissfully unaware of things like politics or world events. I think it might be envy. These girls are usually very happy. And it's hard to keep that happiness from rubbing off. Whatever it is I find it really cute and even sexy. I'm NOT the only one.

But then you become more intimate with a girl like this and you find that the innocence you found attractive has become a stumbling block in your relationship. You find that after doing what she's been told her entire life, she is utterly incapable of making a decision for herself and you begin to feel more like her father than her boyfriend. You start noticing her trying to bait you into arguments with the purpose of causing you to physically harm her and leave bruises as evidence to her friends and family that you are "passionate" about her. Then when you don't take the bait she slips into an alcohol fueled depression her friends and family blame you for. You can almost read the dirty looks they give you as meaning, "Just slap her around a bit, you heartless bastard! Then you can buy her an expensive apology gift, have make-up sex and everything will be fine." Or you discover that she is, for example, oh I don't know, huffing window caulking with no concept of the damage she is inflicting upon herself.

As you may have guessed, I'm not just making these examples up. And, yes, there are two sides to the story. I suppose the difference between charming innocence and enfuriating stupidity is the amount of patience in the beholder. But sometimes it's so hard to be patient!

The same can be said on a national scale. Depending on how you measure such things, Korea has the 13th, 11th, 10th or whatever, highest economy in the world. Yet in international trade relations it is still viewed as the charmingly innocent trade partner due to its developing culture. As Korea's international trading partners become more intimate with her, the perception may be edging toward the enfuriatingly stupid. And with billions of dollars involved, patience is an expensive virtue.

I read in the Korea Herald recently that a March OECD, (Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development), report defined the relationship as follows: "Koreans need to grow their understanding of international economics to relieve deeply instilled xenophobia, and specifically, their negative sentiment against foreign capital."

There's a huge problem with this. The people in Korea who are educated are aware of this situation and I believe they are trying to improve and catch up with the rest of the world. But the vast majority of the people in Korea, local diplomas and degrees notwithstanding, aren't educated. There still remains that blissful ignorance and the general happiness that comes with it. Sometimes cute and charming, sometimes irritating.

The recent mad cow protests where shouts of "No violence!" are followed by fights and vandalism are a seemingly endless source of local and now even international entertainment. Like many issues that put Korea in the international eye, most Koreans don't realize that these news stories don't show Koreans in a positive light. The Korean people's single-mindedness in the face of all that is reasonable is a modern illustration of a very old, Sun Tzu military tactic. Keep the soldiers well trained, (not educated), and they will think and behave in one accord. It is translated as "moral unity" in The Art of War in English. I think this is a misleading translation because a lot of deceit falls into the category of morality.

The Art of War is often used as a basis for economic tactics as well. It is more often than not MISused in this fashion. For example Sun Tzu advocates deception in a situation where a soldier's life would be saved by it. In business, (and I'm only MOSTLY talking about Asian business here), deception is a favourite tactic but it's used to save money or face, not lives. This "moral unity" is something Korean people excel at. Ask any military person who has served with Koreans, they all agree that they make excellent soldiers. Especially officers will agree. For the exact same reason they make excellent consumers. That reason is because they do as they're told.

Military and economic tactics can be very similar. The commanding officers in the military are the CEO's and business owners in business. Here they need to be legitimately, (not locally), educated so that they can make the tough decisions. The rest of the soldiers are the consumers. All they do is follow orders. As Tennyson put it, "(their's) is not to reason why, (their's) is but to do and die." That's from The Charge of the Light Brigade. It's seen as the poetic description of some of the best soldiers ever. And when Forrest Gump's sergeant asked him what his purpose in the U.S. military was he said, "To do whatever you tell me to, Sergeant?" The sergeant replied, "Goddammit, Gump that is the finest answer I've ever heard!"

For a long time Korea's economy has thrived due to this Utopic situation. They have a huge, obedient market that will buy whatever, whenever and how often they are told to. This has made them the economic powerhouse that they are. But for a long time Korea has also been trying to globalize. The only way I see this as being possible is through proper education. But will the leaders of industry in this country be willing to mess with this beautiful situation they have now? It's hard to say. But their window might be closing.

In an atmosphere of insufficient, or improper education, "Hooray for us" and "Boo for everyone else" are virtually identical. There are still those who are truly afraid of getting mad cow disease from American beef but that's just a product of improper education. Many believe the mad cow protests have degenerated into protests against America. Also bad education. Remember, that's what I do here. I'm teaching at a national university where I had to grade students on a curve designed to create bloated marks. Then two days ago I was told my grades were STILL too low so 5% is being added to every student's final score. It's not just the English teachers who are doing this. The way I see it, Koreans should be marching in the streets protesting their abysmal education system. Overhauling their education system in Korea may make Koreans unhappy in their wisdom, but with a better chunk of the global economy, they could sop up their tears with wads of money. It'll be interesting to see what the people choose.

Anyway, when you see stories on CNN about Korean protests and candlelight marches against foreign products, don't blame the citizens. They are just following orders.

A cuppa Korea

I stayed at a motel in Gwangju last night. At the motel they provide two free packets of instant coffee in each room. I got up this morning and decided to have a cup. So I took the coffee and the coffee cup out of the fridge. Why they kept the cheapo, 1000 won store, bargain Chinese glass coffee cups in the fridge is beyond me. But I left it out for what I thought would be sufficient warming time then made some coffee. I didn't even get a swig before the bottom of the cup popped off and the coffee scalded my left leg from thigh to ankle. Like Marcel Proust's madeleine only a tad more vitriolic, what followed was a tour-de-force of emotion, (and choice cursing), that unleashed some memories of Korea.

Well, actually I just wish it was like that. Okay it was nothing at all like that. I just wanted to reference Proust. And use the words "vitriolic" and "tour-de-force". And "swig". I like "swig". It just sounds like a nice word. Doesn't it? Not like "brush" or "trumpet". They sound a bit ominous to me. "Swig" sounds friendly and harmless. So anyway please indulge my trying to get my money's worth for all the studying I did to get my B.A. in Lit. Well, that's not true either. I didn't study that hard. And actually I didn't read Proust. I just heard about him on The Sopranos. Whatever, cool coffee stories coming up. Well not cool in the sense of temperature, but... God I've completely ruined what was a pretty impressive, pretentious, literary intro to this post haven't I?

I remember the first cup of coffee I had in Korea. I was out with my two co-workers at the time, Kim and Karen. It was probably February or March of '97, about 6 months before the I.M.F. crisis would effectively cut foreigner's salaries in half. It was my first weekend in Korea so, of course, we were drinking. The girls were a hoot! Wish I could talk to them now and see what they're up to. They showed me a few of the bars around Yong In where I started my E.S.L./E.F.L. career. They had done their best, (and succeeded), to make me feel welcome. It was closing time and we were walking, not to say staggering, back to the apartments where we all lived. (Separately, mind you.(They didn't want to make me feel THAT welcome!))

It was chilly but not snowy. Somebody suggested a coffee and it sounded good to us all. I thought to myself that it would be a good way to beat the chill while at the same time easing the hangover I would probably have the next morning. Little did I know that since that night was my introduction to not only Korean beer and soju but also ginseng wine, I would DEFINITELY have a hangover.

But it was 2 or 3 AM. The street we were walking down was just a block off the main road through the part of Yong In we lived in but it could have been any of the residential streets around. Nothing but parked cars, telephone poles, discarded garbage/furniture and soft, yellow street lighting. There and then coffee seemed like a long shot. But I was ready for anything in the new country I was in. At least I thought I was.

We came upon an outdoor coffee vending machine. I think it was probably 100 or 150 won for a little paper cup of coffee. Seemed reasonable to me. That worked out to less than a quarter at the time. The cup was also less than a quarter full so jokingly I complained and asked for my money back. Then I tried it. I spat it out and poured what remained in the cup onto the street. HARSH!

It's one of many acquired tastes in Korea and much like kimchi, soju, bean paste, rice cakes, moo, colbangi, tofu, (but not yet ginseng wine), I have learned to consume and even enjoy the mud puddle, vending machine coffee from time to time.

I think possibly the first time I actually enjoyed the coffee was later that year in September or October. I had spent the entire night before in Seoul, (about 45 minutes by bus from Yong In), drinking, dancing and playing darts with friends. All I had left in my pocket was enough to buy a ticket on the first bus back to Yong In at 5 or 6 AM. I got my ticket, got on the bus and promptly crashed out. I woke up as the bus came to a stop... in Incheon.

I still don't know how the mix-up occured. I maintain that I had bought a ticket to Yong In. I'm sure of it. I mean it's gotta be pretty hard for the ticket agent to mistake the words "Yong In" for the word "Incheon". I DO know that the Yong In bus and the Incheon bus parked side by side at the old bus station in Seoul. So I probably got on the wrong bus. And the person who collected my ticket either didn't notice it was for the wrong city, or didn't want to stress herself out trying to explain it to me in English. Either way I had never been to Incheon before so it was all new to me.

In '97 there wasn't much to Incheon. The airport wasn't built yet and in Incheon, as well as the rest of Korea, there was no such thing as a 24-hour bank machine. I tried two bank machines in the terminal to no avail. I had two hours to kill while I waited for the cash machines to open at 9 AM. So to keep from falling asleep in the bus terminal and looking worse than I already felt, I did some reconnaissance. I walked as far as I could without getting lost and scouted out a few bank machines in the area. None were open, but I had to give it a try. I also remember one other curious thing. It was the very first time I had ever seen it: a SEVEN way intersection. There was a Korea Exchange Bank, (my bank), across a few of the seven roads. It was impossible to know which lights to look at to know when to cross but since it was early and there were few cars, I made it to the bank without incident. The doors were locked.

I got back to the bus station, sat on a bench and waited. I had been up for at least 24 hours. It was characteristically humid and I was wearing a five o'clock, (in the morning), shadow and clothes soaked in several hour old sweat that were hanging off me like slime. And if that wasn't bad enough, the hangover was beginning to kick in. Time crawls in a situation like this. But when you're a stranger in a strange city in a strange land time inches, (no - centimeters), along at a glacial pace.

Nine o'clock arrived like an ice age. I got in line for the nearest bank machine but was not encouraged by what I saw. Sure enough, like the people in front of me, I was unable to get any money from the machine. All I got was an incomprehensible message on the slip of paper that usually included my bank balance. I knew I had plenty of money in my account. I thought maybe the machine was out of order so I tried another. Then another and another. Then I left the terminal and tried several of the bank machines I had located during my recci mission. No luck with THEM either. From bank machine to bank machine my heart was pumping harder and harder, I was walking faster and faster, I was sweating more and more and I was about homicidal when I reached the seven-way intersection for the second time. I think my appearance more than my hand signals for traffic to stop made navigating the intersection to get to the KEB on the other side a whole lot easier! Fellow pedestrians on the way to the "chil-go-ri" had been giving me a wide berth and even crossing the street as I approached them.

I reached the doors and again they were locked. But that did not serve as any dissuasion. This was the last bank machine I knew of in Incheon so I pulled the doors and I think I almost got them open on a few of my pulls, which were accompanied with maniacal expletive yelling. I would pay KEB a good chunk of change to see the security films from that day. I doubt I would even recognize myself if I saw them. I was a mess!

Completely defeated, embarrassed, frustrated and at a point where my give-a-shit meter was registering zero, I returned to the bus station and flopped onto the dirty floor since it was now quite busy and there were no available benches. Still homicidal I was reluctant to look up when I saw the feet of someone shuffle up to me. If it had been a person who wanted to practice their English or tell me not to sit on the floor or just about anything else, I think I might be in a Korean prison right now. But I DID look up and saw a 70, 90-year-old man wearing a festive hanbok offering me a quarter of a cup of steaming mud. He said nothing when I thanked him. He just smiled then shuffled away. And that coffee really DID taste good.

If you've spent some time in Korea you may have noticed from the signs, (time of year, hanboks, empty bank machines), that it was Chuseok, the biggest Korean holiday of the year. Since it was my first Chuseok in Korea I didn't know people emptied out bank machines and traveled all over the country to meet with family and give thanks for the year's harvest. But to make a long story a bit longer, I found a helpful girl who spoke some English and she led me to a machine, IN THE BUS TERMINAL that had some money left in it. So I made it home and slept for about two days.

Bank machines and coffee have both improved in Korea since then. I left my hotel without my morning coffee and went to a Dunkin Donuts in the bus terminal this morning. I met a retired Korean guy named Sung Ho, who has lived in the U.S. and speaks perfect English. We had a nice chat and a cup of coffee together. GOOD coffee. He didn't ask me about my pink left leg.

I'm a somebody!!!

I feel like The Jerk. Remember that Steve Martin movie? I loved it. A classic! Remember the part after he's worked at the gas station for a while and the new phone books come in? So he's all excited and he finds his name in one of them and he says, "I'm a SOMEBODY!" Well that's similar to how I felt just a couple days ago when I saw the most recent edition of the Gwangju News magazine. Not one but TWO pages for my story and pics. PageS 34 and 35. And if the ambassador from Nepal wasn't in town this month, I probly woulda made the cover. I'm pretty sure I gave old Kamal Prasad Koirala a good run for the top story. But politics beats out sport in journalism. A travesty if you ask me!

So here it is: If you want to read it you can click on it and I think it'll be big enough. See if YOU don't think it's an issue more vital to the human race than countries moving from monarchies to democratic states, terrorism, Maoist election victories and such. Yeah, I didn't think so either. Come on! They don't even have a rectangular flag in Nepal yet! The GIC, who publish the Gwangju News, took the ambassador from Nepal for a hike up Moodeung Mountain. Hello? Nepal! That's just a little hill to him! He probably thought they were taking him to fetch a pail of water. Somebody shoulda taken Mr. Koirala to Moodeung STADIUM to see a Tigers game. THEN he'd witness some REAL news being made!

Actually his article was pretty interesting I guess. And I am sure his stories of conflict in Nepal are compelling but the Kia Tigers have had two bench-clearing brawls in a month! That's unprecedented in the KBO! And, yes, Lumbini in Nepal may be the birthplace of Buddha but Gwangju is the birthplace of Lee Jong Beom!

I noticed the ambassador was pretty slick calling the Gwangju News an excellent resource for the international community and stating that there is no other magazine like it in Korea. How could I compete with that? No wonder he got top billing! I didn't have ANYTHING like that in my story. Politicians eh?

Mokpo update

I'm still in Mokpo working for Mokpo National University but I won't be here much longer. Only a couple more months. I took a job at my favourite school, Seogang College in Gwangju. I'm really looking forward to moving there. When I worked at Seogang back in 2005 I really didn't want to leave. I was downsized. So now that they're bringing me back, (upsizing me?), I'm pretty happy. And from the sounds of things, they'll be almost the same as they were when I was there. I'll get the full vacations in summer and winter probably. I may have to work a couple of weeks out of the 10 week holidays. So that won't hurt at all. And I'll get extra pay if I do I think. I'll be making pretty much the same money, (actually quite a bit more), for a 12-hour week instead of the 22-hour week I work here at Mokpo U. And if I want, (and boy oh boy do I want!), I can get a letter of release to work at kids camps during the breaks. You can get like 3 grand for 3 weeks at one of these camps. Plus my normal salary will be coming in AND I won't be spending any money cuz I'll be at the camp. Those are SWEET months! I can probly get two of those a year at Seogang. And the staff are really cool at Seogang. They respect me enough to let me do my thing, and that's all I ask of them.

I told my supervisor here at Mokpo U. last monday that I want to go back to Seogang in September. I'll need a letter of release from them in order to do that because I will have to leave half way through my contract. This is the first time I've ever done this so I'm not sure what to expect. I'll just expect lots of crazy, silliness. That way I won't be as surprised or angered when it happens. And if it doesn't, I'll be pleasantly shocked. It's called Korean self-preservation.

I haven't yet heard anything on that front. But on another front, all the teachers received a memo last week outlining stuff like the grading scales we have to use and things like that. It's really serving to downgrade our positions from professors to day care workers in my opinion, but that's Korea. Showing up is far more important than learning, even at a national university here.

Let me splain. If I'm interpreting this letter correctly, (the explanation makes no sense at all), I am supposed to give 60% of the students in all my classes 80-100%. To me that's all A's. But I think maybe those might be A's and B's here. Either way NObody will have classes that have that kind of ratio I'll guaran-damn-tee you. I'll let you know what kind of percentages I got in my classes, i.e. the REAL marks, when they are tabulated.

But these are the kinds of sacrifices we make as teachers in Korea to try to fit into a fledgling education system. Some teachers feel they have developed a way to get around this by making all their assignments, tests, homework etc. mind-numbingly easy so that it really LOOKS like students are earning those high marks they are going to end up with. I don't favour that kind of crap myself, but have been encouraged to practice it by several employers and fellow teachers. I don't support this sort of anti-education. It's immoral, unprofessional and unreasonable. But I'm not going to try to change the Korean system. At the end of the term I submit the real marks to my school and let them do whatever they want with them. If they give me a curve like this, sometimes I can make the adjustments for them.

What I WON'T do is take credit for this nonsense. It certainly isn't MY idea! So when the school I work for starts asking me, or requiring me, to sign phony marks or attendance, or affix my signature to any document outlining fraudulent grading systems, it gets my hackles up a bit. I must admit I was a little surprised to see a document from a national university here that said we are expected to pass students who have good attendance and have done all the assignments. No matter how well they've done those assignments. I was also a little surprised to be handed the document and told to sign it right away without reading it because what was on it wasn't very important. But only a little. This was not the first, or even the SECOND time I've had this happen to me.

So what I did was I sent an email to the "Vice-Director of the Foreign Language Education" department at Mokpo U. outlining what I've just written here. And something happened that truly DID surprise me! I tell you, just when you think you've seen everything here in Korea, they throw you a change-up. It keeps life interesting anyway.

The Vice Director's name is Lee Jong Kun. He wrote me an email saying that it is NOT the policy of Mokpo U. to pass people as it was outlined on the memo and he said the person who circulated the memo will be talked to and a new amended memo will be sent out. Just the fact that Lee Jong Kun had a week earlier given all the foreign teachers a letter of introduction inviting us to contact him and/or offer any suggestions to improve the English program was a breath of fresh air. But when he actually REPLIED to my email and told me this news, I must admit I was impressed. This gives me hope for Mokpo U. I hope he makes Director before he changes his philosophies.

Anyway, I'm meeting with him this week to talk about the program at Mokpo U. I don't really know what that may entail but I hope I will receive news on my letter of release. Even though this is a bright spot at Mokpo U. it still isn't close to enough to make me stay.

So, I have two days left in the official semester. I'll be giving my final exams Monday and Tuesday next week. I am hoping to have my letter of release before the week comes to a close but who knows? Things haven't been blindingly prompt at Mokpo U. to this point.

I will be cloistering myself in my quarters for the rest of the week trying to mark the finals, add up all the various marks that my 190 students have worked for throughout the semester and figuring out accurate assessments of each of my students' English abilities, only to have them changed. But to me it's well worth it to maintain my academic integrity. I will give every student his or her REAL grade if they ask me for it. But they never do. I know it's extra work for me to do this and it seems almost fanatically honest but I just don't want to develop any bad habits. I intend to return to Canada someday and teach in an education system that, (hopefully), hasn't yet turned into the diploma issuing adult daycare system they have here. But I see scary signs that Canada might actually be heading in that direction.

But before you think things are cut and dried here. Or before you think I think that, I understand some of the reasons why things are like this in Korea. In fact if I were like the Minister of Education or whatever the equivalent in Korea might be, I'm not so sure I would even change things. There are reasons why the education system is the way it is here and it'll take a lot more posts to explain them. It may make me look like a creep to explain these reasons too. There would be plenty of people who would question my sources and they would be clever to do so because my experience is almost all I have to rest on. And that just wouldn't be scientific enough for most people. But be that as it may, I have taught at every level in the Korean education system and I have a pretty thorough understanding of it. And I maintain hope that Koreans will someday make it right. I will relish the chance to relive these stories about the crazy old Korean education system after they make things right. I think that day will come. In my lifetime I believe.

As things are now, we have to make do with what we have. And being the conscientious teacher that I am, I feel confident that I've given my students the best course and the best marks that they can hope for within the present system. As my student evaluations always reflect. HOLY! Toot toot tooot toooot tooot toooooot!!!

So after a two-week break I'll be teaching July and August here too. But as far as I know the courses won't be actual university credit courses and may involve teacher training or children's camps. I don't yet know.

And what, you might ask, will I be doing on my two-week break? I have decided not to go anywhere since I won't be finishing the contract here at Mokpo and that will cost me a month's pay. I'll be staying in Korea and looking for a place to stay in Gwangju. Probably doing some banking and DEFINITELY watching lots of Kia Tigers games too. I STILL think they're gonna make the playoffs this year. Maybe even win it all. Although the SK Wyverns look pretty solid. We'll see.

Bye for now.

Well it appears that I have a little bit of retracting to do. It's so hard to find good scientific advisors nowadays!

In my previous post I may have said some things that were not very well researched. I may have quoted some articles that were written by folks who may not have known what they were talking about. But it was not my intent to write a scientific post, just a general complaint. Something I'm far better at.

But on the heels of not one but TWO in depth comments by braddotcom taking issue with my scientific accuracy, I think I should qualify my already qualified statements that may have been made in error. First of all I did say that mad cow disease dies when it's heated. It's important to note that I wrote this AFTER mentioning that the I am no scientist, all the reports I was reading seemed very vague and often contradictory and even warning readers not to believe me due to my bias. But after further research it does look like this was wrong.

I'm not sure but I think it might have been this article that led me to the wrong conclusion. I think when I was reading it I wasn't paying very close attention to the "scientificness" of it so where it says that normal prp is easily destroyed with heat, I thought that was talking about the misfolded prp. My bad. This is most likely where I got the idea that pressure treating can make prions unfold then recoil in safer ways. Something braddotcom sees as "factually untrue". I'm not making this stuff up! Just misquoting it a bit.

This prion stuff hasn't been studied for long but I'm not dismissing the unknown due to any agenda. What makes me confident about eating meat now is the laws that have been passed, tests now regularly administered and recall policies used to make meat as mad-cow free as possible. Whether we know a lot about the science or not, these processes are what make me believe that meat is now much safer than before. Maybe completely safe. Things like no longer feeding cattle with food that may contain diseased parts of other animals. The outbreak is believed to have been caused by cows eating feed that contained parts of diseased sheep. At least that's what I've read. It's now illegal in the U.S. to feed ruminant animals most proteins made from mammals. And parts of the cattle with higher concentrations of prions, brains and spinal chords are now removed to reduce chances of contamination. And of course there are the regular mad cow tests. But this kind of stuff isn't sensational enough to get a lot of attention. Kind of anti-sensational.

Because of long incubation periods it may be a while before we know if these tactics are working. It took about 5 years after banning the ruminant animal feed and doing the testing in the UK before a steady decline in mad cow disease began. And in 5 years it's likely that there will be other deadly diseases that make us completely forget about mad cow and CJD. But before these tactics were employed anywhere there was a minimal chance of contracting CJD, no matter how you contracted it. Now, I would expect it's so low as to be negligable when compared to the quality of life improvement beef brings to me.

I was faulting Koreans for protesting before knowing the facts and I guess that's sort of what I was doing. Yikes! But as I recall the gist of my post was not a complaint about beef bans it was all about cheese. And that is still pretty scientifically solid. Milk and milk products are not believed to pose any threat.

Cheese PLEASE!

I was hoping to avoid a post on this, the latest hysteria in Korea, but now it has affected me. No, I do NOT have mad cow disease. Nor am I worried at all about catching it or the related sickness, Creutzfeldt-Jakob, that humans are thought to possibly get from eating the flesh of tainted cows. I JUST WANT PARMESAN CHEESE!

I have searched all the major stores in Mokpo, and in Gwangju, that usually stock Kraft parmesan cheese only to find, in a few stores, tiny containers of a FAR inferior product called Paesano, (I think), that's from Italy, (I think). First of all let me warn readers who may have access to this product, in desperation I bought some of it and it tasted like plastic. And the danger of ruining a pot of spaghetti by sprinkling this stuff on it FAR outweighs any danger I certainly will NOT expose myself to by consuming THIS cheese.

My buddy Kasia and I recently went to downtown Gwangju on May 18th. We saw a very large protest against American beef. We saw videos on truck mounted entertainment systems "educating" the people on the closed-to-traffic streets of downtown Gwangju on mad cow disease. We saw political cartoons about it, people of all ages lighting candles in protest against it, letters such as this about it, and people who were just plain angry about it. Then we went into a completely deserted nearby Burger King and enjoyed our Whoppers in quiet solitude.

What we DIDN'T see were any people honouring the memories of protesters who were killed in the Gwangju uprising in 1980. This is a very important event in Korea, especially in Gwangju. They just call it "oh il pal", which means "5 1 8". They even sell cola called 5/18 cola. I think you might be able to get orange 5/18 pop too. I would say that if concern about mad cow disease has grown to the point where the people of Gwangju are not going to Burger King, not honouring their relatives who died for democracy during the uprising, and taking one of MY major food staples off the shelves, it's to the point of hysteria.

But, apart from unnecessary to incite Korean protests, what are the facts? Here are a few:

1. Korean beef is more expensive than American beef. Up to 4 times as expensive.

Koreans have a belief called 신 토 불 이. That's "sintoburi". It's the idea that when Koreans eat food that is raised in Korea, it's better for Koreans. Because ancestors have died and returned to the earth here, vegetables and grains farmed here are believed to be indirectly, or, (ugh), directly from their ancestors. Rice here is expensive too. There really is no rice from other countries readily available. And animals fed Korean-grown feed are believed to be better for Koreans. I'm not sure whether it's the spirit of the ancestors or their fertilizing effect that is supposed to be infusing the food with goodness. I don't think I want to know.

Korean rice farmers have long been fighting the introduction of foreign rice into the Korean market. It would absolutely have a major impact on the Korean economy. Koreans religiously eat rice with every meal. I once taught at an English camp where we had Korean food with a generous scoop of rice every day. The foreign teachers requested one meal that wasn't Korean. So we all got spaghetti. With a generous scoop of rice. It's almost like a tax here. And since taxes are so low, I don't mind it at all.

I think there may be more of an economic issue behind sintoburi than a health issue. If so it's an interesting commentary to me on the opinion makers of Korea, and more specifically their perception of the intellectual capacity of their people, that they would rather perpetuate mystecism like this and put "sintoburi" stickers on food and have "sintoburi" restaurants than tell Koreans to buy Korean.


I also think the mad cow protests may be spurred on for economic reasons more than any perceived health concerns.

2. Number of Creutzfeldt-Jakob-related deaths in the United States: 1.

The patient died in 2004 and was believed to have contracted the disease in the U.K. where it is a bigger problem. As of June, 2007 the number of deaths caused by, or possibly caused by the virus was 161.

3. Because Mad Cow Disease is something new there is very little difinitive evidence on it.

I'm not going to start playing the scientist here. All I know is that every report and study I've read, (and I try to screen out the bogus and biased, (none written by Koreans or beef companies etc.)), contains lots of ambiguity. They say things like "there seems to be a correlation between this and that", "It seems possible that...", even, "There is no scientific evidence, but...". And anything you hear from me should be disregarded because I have a strong bias too: I want my Kraft parmesan cheese!

That said, it looks to me like cases in which Mad Cow Disease leads to Creutzfeldt-Jakob and death are INCREDIBLY rare. Regular MCD dies when you heat it. Like when you cook your steak or pasteurize your milk or cheese. It's only the variants of MCD that "seem to be" resistant to heat and they are even rarer.

As far as meat is concerned all I want is a steak or a burger made from meat that meets or exceeds internationally recognized standards. I'd be willing to bet that Koreans have a higher chance of dying from eating Korean beef than American. Since Korean beef is kept in Korea, those standards don't need to be met. They have some strange standards in the beef industry here that are different from anywhere I've heard. In fact Koreans probably have a higher chance of dying from fan death than American beef. And the chance of death by parmesan cheese is Zero, as near as makes no difference. And if Korean concerns were based on health, not money or anti-Americanism that Italian cheese should be viewed as more dangerous than the Kraft parmesan. I read a report written in English but on a Korean site that was about some diseased animals in Parma, Italy. I can't find that report on any non-Korean sites. Maybe this could be the cause of my cheeseless spaghetti woes. Because Parma-parmesan cheese-take it off the shelves! They still have other Kraft cheeses on the shelves in Korea.

I have to say that I am not positive the lack of Kraft parmesan cheese has been caused by the mad cow hysteria, it's just a personal hunch. Maybe I should light a candle for Kraft parmesan or have a one-man protest or write a letter. If anyone with my current address reads this, send cheese soon. I'm dying here!

"Hallyu"

No, I'm not yodelling from the top of a mountain. This is an Asian word I recently learned about through researching one of my classes. Can you believe THAT? Not that I learned a new word but that I RESEARCHED a class! What I mean by an "Asian" word is I think it's the Korean pronunciation of a Chinese word. The rough translation is "cold current" but it's the word now used for the Korean wave. What's this Korean wave? I've seen a few waves in Korea. Waves from motorists who have just done something incredibly ignorant or are just about to; waves at Moodeung stadium during Kia Tigers games; waves in the hair of ajummas fresh from the salon; waves of Chuseok traffic, but none of these are what Hallyu refers to.

I was actually surprised when I found out how popular Korean TV programs and music are in other parts of Asia. INCREDIBLY surprised actually since I think it's all craptastic. Students constantly ask me if I know "talents" and I never do. Then they tell me that I should know these people because they are really famous. I always assumed they meant like Muan is "famous" for onions or the "famous" hiking at Sorak San. But it turns out that guys like Bae Yong Joon really ARE famous in other places than Korea. He's got a massive following of middle-aged ladies in Japan who call him "Yon-sama". The TV drama, (I supressed my gag reflex long enough to read a synopsis of the series and it's just a soap opera or melodrama at best), Winter Sonata made him famous. It was filmed in Choon Cheon and tourism there has grown to a billion, (with a b), dollar a year industry in Korea from tour packages like this. And while in Choon Cheon visiting the site of this predictable, jeuvenile, Harlequin Romance on film, why not try some of the "famous" Choon Cheon dalk kalbi?

I shouldn't joke. If millions of Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Filipino, Singaporean, Malaysian, Indonesian, Thai, and Vietnamese think it's good, it must be good, right? There's that gag reflex again. Maybe it IS good if you like that sort of stuff. I've heard that the directing is skillful and the budget was no object. In fact if you look at this phenomenon more closely you'll see that Korean music performances with pyrotechnics and never without a full complement of back-up dancers have just the level of high-budget schmalz necessary to make them attractive to the people who keep the industry alive: teenagers. It's clever marketing I have to say that. And the movies and TV shows Korea makes are also higher quality, (because of higher budgets), than some of these countries are used to. Korea now has the 9th largest film industry in the world. Didn't know that either.

But it's the SNAGs, (sensative new age guys), in the dramas and the sexy girls in the music videos that make people throng to Korea assuming Korean people are ALL like this. A lot of Asian women, (I've read), would love to have a boyfriend who they can berate and dump one day only to have him drive up to them in his BMW and Armani suit the next day teary eyed, bearing flowers and gifts and begging for their forgiveness. And Asian men, (I've read), would love to have a girlfriend who wears glitter-covered half shirts prone to wardrobe malfunctions, skin tight, leather pants and a come-hither tiger growl at all times too.

Then they come to Korea and find the super-conservative girls and guys about as sensative army sergeants. A friend of mine who was new to Korea once asked me where the best place was to find a quick one-night stand. I said, "Well you just walk down to the end of this street, then you turn... gay..." There are plenty of Korean girls who seem to ooze sexuality and maybe they aren't super-conservative but they certainly like to test their powers. My advice is not to encourage them too much. There is something Koreans call "gong ju pyeong". It translates into something like princess syndrome. For a "wonder"ful example, go to "Pipeful of dreams" on this blog and press play. I have to admit though, the song is a bit catchy isn't it?

And what of the poor women looking for the boyfriends in the BMW's? Here's a Korean guy's comment on his blog and it is almost identical to what I typed! They're not all like that folks. Don't take it from me, take it from a Korean dude. And for all the Asian, (mostly Japanese), ladies trying to hook up online with their own Korean "Yon-sama", I have two syllables: ACT ING! To quote a truly "famous" movie, "You want sympathy, look between "shit" and "syphilis" in the dictionary!"

I must say though, there is ONE good thing that came from this Korean wave: the rivalry between "Rain" and Steven Colbert. Aparently on Time magazine's list of most influential people in the world Steven Colbert has been at the top right behind Korean pop star, "Rain". I wish I knew how to put Youtube vids on here but I don't. You have to check it out though. The dance-off is classic! But I really like Colbert's song too. Hilarious! If he really wanted to zing "Rain" though, Colbert could find out what his name is in Korean. They spell it "Bi" but when most Koreans say it it sounds like "Pee". He anglicized it to "Rain" before going on tour in the States. A really good example of how finding out a little bit about the culture you are marketing your product in can help. Something not ALL Korean wavers have done according to the article in my next link.

Sadly, the Korean wave is in remission according to the latest reports. This last link is from a more serious article written by a guy named Pavin Chachavalpongpun. I don't know where he's from but it says he's based in Singapore. I'm gonna guess Thailand? If this guy hasn't been to Korea it is SCARY how well he knows the folks here! Enjoy.

Tell me if you think I'm paranoid

I got to thinking today, cuz that's what I do on a Sunday in Mokpo when I don't really have any lesson planning to do. I got to thinking about this gas bill of mine, cuz that's what you do when you're gas bill is the same price as a plane ticket to Thailand or even the Philippines. I got to thinking about all the strange things that have happened in this apartment starting way back before I even got here.

The previous tennant's name was Hayley. I know that cuz I'm still getting her bills. Everybody loved Hayley. She was by all accounts a happy, intelligent, likeable person. But she got really sick during her stay in this apartment. I don't know all of her symptoms but teachers here that knew her have told me she was losing a lot of weight, getting depressed, fatigued and just worn right out. I found a LOT of ibuprofen and acetaminofin in the apartment when I got here too so maybe headaches were one of her symptoms. And I have Hayley's old computer in my office at work. I used to be a security guard at a jail. Occasionally we would put people on 24-hour suicide watch if we found certain indicators of possible suicide. I read one of Hayley's poems on a slow day at work. If a similar poem were found in a prisoner's cell where I worked that person would be instantly put on watch.

I don't know what kind of gas bills Hayley was paying but I've been told that she was so thin, sick and chilly all the time that she probably left the heater on constantly and would have thought nothing of paying massive gas bills.

When I moved into this apartment, Feb. 26th, I had just returned from a 7-week vacation in the Philippines and was fighting the customary final week ague I seem to contract when I go ANYWHERE. It usually makes the plane trip home a pain in the ass. But then I started classes March 3rd, continued working and until somewhere in the middle of April I was having trouble breathing and feeling a bit run down like I had allergies or something. I've never had allergies before but was almost convinced I was developing them in my old age.

I complained about it to friends, because, as they might tell you, I rarely miss a chance to complain, and received advice from a few. David Morris suggested I put eucalyptus oil under my nose when I sleep at night to allow me to breathe better. He's Australian. I actually WAS using Vicks rub I had bought in the Phils. It has eucalyptus oil, camphor and menthol. I also had a menthol spray I found in Korea that worked pretty good. But now that spray is impossible to find. That happens a lot in Korea.

Another friend told me that there are a couple of steel mills nearby. Gwangyang Steel is the fourth largest producer in the world aparently. He thought that the air might be a bit harder to breathe because of the industry nearby. I was born in Hamilton, Canada's steel town. My Grandfather worked at Stelco for many years until retirement. It's the fifth largest steel producer in the world, but, (sign of the times in Canada), has recently been renamed U.S. Steel Canada. And my Dad once worked at Dofasco, another big steel company in Hamilton. So I've been a smoke-eater from birth. I doubt that would cause any breathing difficulties.

Still others were suggesting the annual Chinese sand in the air could have been the problem. I heard there was a day or two that schools in Northern South Korea were closed down because of high levels of that crud, but down here in Mokpo we went on about our work blissfully unaware. I did give some credence to that idea since China has recently become by a LANDSLIDE the most polluted country in the world and every bit of the sand we get in our eyes and teeth here is coated with whatever toxins they are pumping into the air in China these days.

I got to thinking today about when I started breathing better. It was somewhere in the beginning of April if I'm not mistaken. My boiler exploded, (and I am not exaggerating the case, it went BOOM!), in mid April I think. Then I remembered opening the windows in early April in the patio where my boiler is and opening windows in the other patio on the other side of the apartment just to get some air flow. I thought maybe it would improve the air quality and make breathing easier. It really DID improve air flow here and I think that probably did the job.

Then I got this ridiculous 437 dollar gas bill. For April. If the bill is really and truly based on accurate readings of the gas meter in my apartment then there is no question I must have had a gas leak. And in those winter months when Hayley was here, when the windows were undoubtedly closed, SHE probably had a gas leak too. That would have made her sick or certainly compounded any other sickness she may have had.

Two questions leap to mind: 1. Why was there no explosion? 2. Why couldn't Hayley or I smell the gas?

During one of many summer jobs I had while I was getting my university education I worked at a natural gas pipeline in Northern Ontario. There's a process they call "blowoff" on the pipeline where the natural gas valves are bled to ease pressure on the lines. I have smelled the rotten egg odour that natural gas is supposed to have. I would be able to identify that without any problem. But I learned from the technicians at the pipeline that processed natural gas is odourless. That rotten egg smell is a chemical additive, (sulfur based I think), to help identify leaks. I never smelled it in the apartment. Hayley probably didn't either.

While "thinking" today I looked up a few things online. I found that the concentration of natural gas in the air that would create an explosion danger would be 5-15%. Maybe the concentration was never that high. It is lighter than air so maybe it just rose too high to be ignited or smelled. But then it would be too high to cause any health trouble too.

Then I looked at the price of natural gas. It's supposed to be about 32 cents per cubic meter. I looked at my bill and found that I was charged for 546 cubic meters. That works out to "only" $175.

Are natural gas prices that much more in Korea? Almost triple the price in America? Am I being ripped off by the gas company? Is the Mokpo gas company skipping the costly odorant adding process and selling odourless natural gas to its customers at regular odorized gas prices? Is this illegal in Korea like it is in civilized countries? There are still countries that just burn natural gas when they find it while looking for oil. THIS is illegal too but it happens. There are many things in Korea that are technically illegal but just not enforced. Was my boiler explosion a water pressure explosion like I have assumed up till now or was it possibly a natural gas ignition? Am I being slowly gassed to death in my own apartment? Or am I just being paranoid?

Ever get the feeling you're not appreciated?

I've been living in Mokpo for just a few days over 3 months now. That's a dozen weekends, most of which I've spent elsewhere. But I HAVE done some exploring around Mokpo. Not much going on here. I went last weekend to the two spots that are supposed to be the action spots for us waygooks, Wa Bar and the New York Bar, but they were dead. Maybe it was the hour of the day I went there. I'm not sure. But there were no waygooks or customers and I think it was around midnight Friday night.

But that's a good thing. That's what I was hoping for when I came here. A quiet town where I could save up some money. Far enough from Seoul so that I don't travel to I Tae Won on Friday night and spend a drunk, expensive weekend there. I haven't done that yet. And things have been okay as far as finances are concerned. I had to pay the moving expenses and stock up on food and supplies in the new house but that was to be expected. I heard from another teacher here that management has agreed to give me the relocation allowance the school usually gives to teachers who move from overseas. That was nice to hear. Both new teachers are supposed to be getting that. We haven't seen it yet but... how shall I say this nicely... the people in the office who are in charge of helping out foreign staff have to this point shown monumental neglect to that part of their duties.

Well I guess that wasn't nicely was it? But I really don't know how to say something like this nicely. I've been here 3 months and have yet to receive a bill with my name on it. Well, that's not altogether true. I told the people at the Mokpo U. Language Education Office when I first arrived that I will be needing cable internet immediately. After waiting a week and getting nothing I got it myself. And I've received 3 bills with my name, spelled correctly, on them. All the bills were for the correct amount. I even ordered a special kind of Teevo-like deal which was useless, so I had that cancelled. Because I don't speak Korean that well I could do none of this over the phone so I walked down to the Hanaro Cable office a few times and played charades with their English service provider. She could really use a refresher course. But I got it done.

Things like this are a whole lot easier for people who speak Korean. They can just call up, change the name on the gas, cable, telephone or electric account, inquire as to whether there are any outstanding charges and ba-da-boom ba-da-bing we're in business. It shouldn't take more than a few minutes. The last place I lived it was done over the phone while me and the former tennant watched! The real estate agent called the various utility offices, asked for a current bill balance, subtracted that from the former tennant's deposit refund, changed the bills to my name and that was it. Three months and STILL this hasn't been done for me here. And it's not like I haven't gone into the office and told them what I needed done. It's just that they don't see any urgency at all unless the foreign teacher is very demanding. I've been trying really hard to be nice. Fat load of good THAT'S done me!

I'll give you an example. There was a gal teaching here a while ago whose boiler broke. She went into the office and asked the same people who are working there now to get it fixed for her. They did so in a day. Why? She said she was on strike until it was taken care of. Now if that seems a bit extreme to you, I'll tell you what you get when you are NICE.

MY boiler exploded too. In fact the week before another teacher's boiler broke down too. It's hard to see this as coincidence. I think Mokpo U. went shopping for really cheap apartments for their foreign staff and found these places that are cheap because they have old and shitty boilers. Just a guess though. There's no way of knowing. Anyway I went in and informed the people at the office that I couldn't take showers, wash my dishes, do laundry etc. After many false promises of getting my boiler fixed, in just a shade under three weeks it was replaced. During those three weeks I went into the office various times and people were expressing their condolances about my situation but doing exactly nothing to help me out. It was explained to me that the owner of this apartment didn't want to spring for a new boiler. There was even a week in there when the plan was to move me into a dorm room temporarily and then move me AGAIN to a new apartment. Is that monumental? I think that's monumental.

But back to the bill situation. What I told the people at the office was that I wanted the home phone disconnected, (the thing was useless anyway. I couldn't hear anyone's voice on it and there was no volume control), I wanted the cable bills I was receiving for the former teacher's cable, (which was WAY better than what I got but was disconnected by the Hanaro guys who did MY cable), to be disconnected, and I wanted gas and electric bills. Preferably in my name. There was also one mystery bill I had recieved. Very colourful but with no indication of what the hell it was for. I was informed that it was the security/janitorial fee. 50,000 won. I asked if that was for a month or a year because one of the other teachers told me it was for a month. I couldn't believe that since there are 60 apartments all paying 50 bucks, that's 3000 dollars. And in an apartment complex with 6 buildings that works out to 18 grand. I've only seen a few security guards and only during the day shift. When I see them they are sweeping up cigarette butts in the parking lot, telling my mover he can't park where he wants to park, telling me he didn't receive the food package he DID receive or sleeping. I was told it was for a year. That seemed reasonable. So I paid it. Well it turns out that it actually IS monthly and that water is also a part of that. How do I know? Because as I type today I have no water in my apartment. None. I have no idea when it will be turned back on.

I received the second colourful bill about a week ago. All the tenants did. It's the bill for the month of April. The due date is June 2nd. I had it for a week and didn't pay so they shut off my fucking water???? Today is Friday, May 30th. I have to teach at 9:30. I wake up to an apartment with no water. The memory of three weeks without hot water still fresh in my mind and having THIS week gone in and in person AND writing BEGGED the people at the office to get my bills sorted out I decided to stop being nice. I called the person who I've been begging and told her I was taking the day off. I also told her to get the damn bills taken care of or I quit. She said she had paid my electric bill. This is yet another story. I had received no electric bills that I can remember but DID receive a dangerous looking notice stuck to my door. I showed it to her and she told me it was a warning that my electricity would be cut off if I didn't pay the bill I had not received. So she got that taken care of. Yay. But I told her I didn' t want her paying my bills, I wanted her to arrange to have bills sent to me. Anyway, the big bill bomb is yet to come. I'm saving it for last.

I went out this morning at 8:30 after I was told my classes would be cancelled and paid the colourful bill. I asked the bank teller, (in charade), if water was part of the bill. She told me it was and circled the portion of it that was water. It's the top one. See the circled part? It's for 4,410. That's 4 bucks. Why the fluent English speaker at the Mokpo U. office couldn't have done that for me is still a mystery. Why my water is shut off over a 4 dollar bill is an even bigger mystery. But living here as long as I have kind of washes the mystery away. If you know what I'm saying. If you don't, I'll tell you that on the way to pay this bill this morning at 8:00 or so I was waiting for the elevator. I live on the 6th floor. There was a little girl from the 7th floor coming down the stairs to go to school. Maybe 10 years old or so. She saw me, stopped, backed up and hid on the 7th floor until I had safely boarded the elevator.

In class yesterday I asked a few students if they would prefer boys or girl children. One girl said she wanted boys. When I asked why she was pretty hesitant but explained that she was afraid of "sexual criminals". I took her hesitance to mean she was afraid of foreign sexual criminals because there aren't any Korean sex offenders don't you know. But, yes, there have recently been some stories of foreign English teachers, (the most famous being a Canuck), who were posting stories of pedophilia in Korea on their websites. Aberrations of course. This probably has much to do with the reason they are no longer IN Canada. But it has made an already xenophobic society much moreso. So anyway, now I'm just waiting for my water to be turned on.

I'm also waiting for my gas to be turned off. You see after the boiler exploded back in April I spent almost the entire month of April using gas only to cook food on my stove. This week on the begging day a man came to my door. In the middle of nap time of course. He had a mysterious paper in his hand and a demanding glare. I tried to communicate with him using charade, (at which Korea has given me MAD skills), but he made no effort at all. So I called the office and handed Mr. Glare my phone. The man talked to the lady who is in charge of all this. He closed my phone, said thank you and left. I didn't find out what was said or what he wanted. The office didn't think it was necessary to call me back. The next day I received my gas bill for the month of April. Are you ready for this? 437,000 won. That's 437 bucks. For a month of using my stove. Coincidentally the due date on this bill is also June 2nd. I haven't yet lost gas but I'm expecting to. Because I am not going to pay that kind of dough. I have never paid more than maybe 70,000 won for gas and that was in the winter when I heat my apartment, (and with a functioning boiler).

So during my tirade on the phone this morning I told the people at the office to figure out exactly what in the name of FUCK is going on there too! And if I'm reading the bill correctly I think the charge for the previous month was just about 300,000 won too. As you can imagine I checked other mail boxes when I received this bill. Like about 10 other mail boxes. Every one of them contained a gas bill between 30,000 and 40,000 won for the same month that I am getting railroaded for 437 grand. In my 8 years in Korea I've had many Koreans comment on how low my utility bills are. Because I don't heat my apartment as often or as hot, I don't have showers as long, I do dishes in the sink, not under running hot water etc. Here I'm suddenly and for the first time paying WAY more than the Koreans. I'm wondering if that's part of the gas co-op in this building. The foreigner pays 10 times what the Koreans pay. They do that in Korea. Well I don't know about the foreigner deal but sometimes they add up all the bills in an apartment complex and average them out. The tennants use more gas that way cuz nobody wants to be the one not getting their money's worth. Anyway, I'm sure that's not the case. Well, hopeful.

Next week is a short week. We get Friday off. It's Memorial Day in Korea. This week was a short one too but not really planned. In fact I'm a bit pissed off because I had my classes nicely staggered so that after the holiday next week they'll all be on the same page. Now this will fuck that up. Oh well. It looks like game week next week for some of my classes. Woohoo!

This week I received a phone bill for the home phone I have that doesn't work and I have ripped out of the wall. I also received a cable TV bill in the name of the previous teacher, Hayley and just as a bonus I got one for the teacher BEFORE her! Some French sounding name. I think she's the one who got her boiler fixed in one day. I have one short week, oral tests, then the final exams. That's what's left this semester. Then we get a whopping 2-week holiday before we teach hagwon classes in July and August in lieu of actual holidays we have earned. Probably an easy schedule but I'm expecting a class in the early morning and a class late at night. Cuz that's the way things are done here. They put the same amount of effort into scheduling as they do into troubleshooting for the foreign professors.

I keep saying "foreign professors". It may sound a bit awkward to readers. That's just what we're called here. And it's accurate. Not just at Mokpo U. but other places as well I've been treated like livestock. A commodity. That's what I was hoping NOT to get from Mokpo U. but I've seen very little concern for the foreign teachers here. We have a photocopier on our floor that has been on its last legs for a month now. And since we all have a minimum of 22 hours a week to teach before overtime kicks in, (and we all work split shifts with a bit of overtime), and have HUGE classes, (some over 40), we absolutely MUST have a good copier. The copier has been completely dead for a few days now. The people at the office have been informed but I don't foresee a lot of action on that front.

On a related note, what I HAVE seen a lot of action on is an office on our floor being prepared for one of the Korean English professors. Korean professors at Mokpo U. have a luxurious 9-hour workweek and when any REAL professor wants an English class, it's added to one of the foreigners' schedules regardless of convenience to the foreigner. There were two or three workers fervently assembling BRAND NEW office furniture for the Korean professor this week. The halls were littered with factory fresh, boxed, office equipment better than anything any of us foreign professors has. For the price of the chair alone we could have had our dead copier serviced. Hell for the price of half the Korean professor's office furniture we could have had our useless copier replaced. But there are unspoken but very well understood priorities to think of.

Now before you think I'm gonna go postal here, I have to defend the people in the office I've been slaggin so far. A person who doesn't understand Korea like I do might not. But the fact is, (and this goes for almost all schools that employ livestock like us), there are no people hired to take care of the needs of foreign professors. That would involve using some of the ample government funding provided FOR us foreign professors ON us foreign professors. This is never a popular office strategy. The office is searched for the person or people with the best English and the task of fielding the problems and complaints of the foreigners falls upon them. For no extra pay. So you can understand why there might be monumental neglect of these duties.

In 1866 in Korea Tae Won Kun, father of King Ko Jong of the Yi Dynasty, was serving as regent for his son. He regarded contact with Westerners as dangerous. And he "closed the country with a chain lock". He fought French Catholic missionaries and killed thousands of Korean converts. He killed Germans, Chinese and Americans who were trying to create trade with Korea. In Chongno in the middle of Seoul, and throughout the country he erected stone monuments that read, "Western barbarians invade our land. If we do not fight, we must then appease them. To appease them is to sell off our nation. Ten thousand generations of Koreans must always bear this statement in mind." His grandson was the last king before Japan annexed Korea in 1910 and dragged them kicking and screaming into the 20th century.

I sometimes look around Korea and see people protesting American beef, Japanese textbooks, foreign influence of any kind and wonder if they aren't thinking of Tae Won Kun's warning. It's only been two or three generations of the 10,000 he said must fight the foreign barbarians. I'm here trying to help myself, granted, but I'm also trying to help my students. I know the benefits English provides to any Korean. I get a bit tired of being treated like a Western barbarian.

Hey, I just tried my water and it's back on! I'm gonna go take a shower before my gas gets turned off and I can't HEAT that water. Life in Korea. This is why American soldiers get hardship pay.

Best Game EVER!

I'm sure it won't come as news to many a reader of this blog that my favourite baseball team is no longer the Toronto Blue Jays. I still like them but I like the Kia Tigers of the Korean Baseball Organization, (KBO), much better. Even though they both SUCK!!!

I guess maybe that's why I like them. When your team sucks, it makes a win so much more valuable and you feel like you're almost privileged to have witnessed it. Case in point, last game I watched at the home of the Kia Tigers, Moodeung Stadium. Most of the time I can't make it to Kia games because they play in Gwangju, an hour and 20 minutes from Mokpo where I live. Plus I usually teach when they're playing or can't catch a bus home after the games. But this week was exam week and since I had given all my exams by Tuesday afternoon, I thought I'd make the trip. I brought some of the exams along to mark but that just didn't happen...

Kia finished dead last in the 8-team KBO last year. They have a stranglehold on dead last early on in the season this year too so far. As I write this they are 7 and 17. Pretty pathetic. But they have what I think will be a really great group of players. Just watch. Later in the season I'll be writing about how good they are instead of how crappy they are. At least that SHOULD be the case. I think they are one good slugger/average hitter away from contention in the league this year. And HEY, THAT'S ME!!!! They should take a chance on me, but I doubt they will. So in the mean time I have talked to the Gwangju News about writing a column about the Kia Tigers and they have agreed. So I am now a legitimate member of the press here in Korea. Cool eh? I think I'll go out and buy myself one of those David Letterman mikes and an old 1950's "Press" hat.

I've already written a sort of program in English for all the people who have no idea who they are watching. And that includes most foreigners who go to the games. It's just a run-down of the principals. I don't include all the players but there are some that could go from unknowns to household names this year. My best example of a guy who I think is a shoe-in for THIS category is #3 Kim Sun Bin. He's the shortest guy in the league from what I understand. About 5'6 I guess. And because height is as prized here as size in the NHL, sometimes perfectly good, short players are bound to be overlooked unless they are something special. I think, from early indications, this guy IS something special. In the brief time I've watched him he's made some scintillating plays at second and hit a few times under pressure. I'll keep you up to date on what happens to him.

As for the rest of the club, they are running into a huge pile of bad luck so far. That's not the only cause of losses but in a good number of cases it IS. I think Carma will turn around sooner or later and they'll start winning some games they don't deserve to win. They've lost a few that they should have won so far but none the other way around. And you have to understand that this is the KBO, not the major leagues. Things happen that would never happen in the majors. Like the other day I saw a home run hit by the opposition that was OBVIOUSLY a foul ball. The guy who hit it just stood a little ways from home plate and was more surprised than anyone when the ump told him to round the bases. Then there are some close plays at the bases that Kia seems to be getting shafted on so far. But things will change. I'm confident.

So anyway this game started at 6:30 like most other midweek games. Here's a pic of the crew warming up shortly before what turned out to be the best game of the season so far.

Notice the big scoreboard clock that reads just before 6:30. And also notice how light it is outside. And how sober the fans appear. LOL. Things were about to change.

There is a curious rule in the Korean Baseball Organization. Well, more than just one but I bring this one up cuz it comes to bear on the situation I'm describing. You see, unlike major league games, if KBO games are tied after 12 innings are completed they are just considered to be ties. (Interestingly in the playoffs the same thing goes for 15 inning ties. They just REPLAY THEM!)

I think you can guess where things are going from here. Sure enough things were tied 6-6 in the 12th inning. But being the home team Kia held off the "Woori Heroes" in the top of the 12th to ensure that they would not LOSE the game. And in their half of the 12th they managed to load the bases with only one out. The following video is one of the biggest disappointments so far in my film/pic taking days with this camera.

I think this vid will give you all a pretty good indication of what happens at a game here in Korea. It's non-stop chanting and cheering for the home club. I like it. So do a lot of people I've brought out to their first ball games here. It's just a really great way to spend some free time. At any rate, this vid was so big a dissappointment because the very next pitch turned out to be the game winning RBI single by Lee Hyeon Gon. He is not the best hitter on Kia but he did somehow manage to win the batting title last year. So he was the perfect guy to come up with the bases loaded in the bottom of the 12th. And he was hitless for his last two games too if I'm not mistaken. But he delivered. Just after I stopped filming. OF COURSE!!! The very next pitch was the game winning hit. Dammit.

Note the slurrrrr in my voice. Another thing that is maybe a bit foreign is the fact that there are ladies coming around quite often to serve the patrons alcoholic beverages at the stadium. I usually take full advantage of this. And, as you may be able to tell, this night was no exception.

Here is a pic of the final scoreboard just moments after the bench clearing mob that buried Lee Hyun Gon after his game-winning hit. Look at the time! It was almost a 5 hour game! But nobody in the stands was complaining. Including me. Bang for the buck, baby!

But if I were to have chosen the MVP of this game it would have been Lee Taek Geun from the other team. He had 6 hits! AND A WALK! What a night for him! But in a LOSING cause. I wonder how many times a guy has had 6 hits in a losing cause. Crazy! But it was an awesome game! Especially since, (as you may be able to tell), Kia was down 4-0 at one point.

Anyway, I just hope they do well this year and make it into the playoffs. 4 of 8 teams make it. So they have to work at it but it shouldn't be something they feel isn't deserved. Not in my opinion anyway.

Okay I better end this here. Catch a game any time you can.

Where do the cherries go?

As mentioned in the last post, (yesterday), the cherry blossoms are absolutely gorgeous at Mokpo National University. I figured the best time to get some pics of them would be in the early morning when I get there. (About 7:45). And today was a misty morning, just perfect for some added character to the pics. David Morris and I missed the 700 bus so we walked down Bipa Ro toward the main road where we could catch a 200 or 600 to work. This is what it looked like this morning. Nice! But not quite fully blooming yet. In a couple days this street will probly look as nice as the Uni. The name of this street remains a mystery to me as most streets do in Korea.

But it's the one where E-mart is. That's the closest grocery shopping to me. Well the closest major store for getting groceries. Anyway, I think we caught a 200 this morning and got to work at a little before 8 AM. The first thing I saw was the long driveway to the university with trees blooming their arses off on both sides. Fog in the background. So I took this pic:

Is that nice or what??? Almost made me forget I had to spend the whole day working there. By lunchtime it was actually warm. The warmest day of the year so far for sure. People were all over the place at the school. I don't think they were all students either. Plenty of people taking pics of the blossoms. Pictures like these...

See those blue and red lanterns? They look really great lit up at night after all but the overworked and underpaid have gone home from MNU.

And these...

The girl on the left is one of my students. Her name is Sun Ae. She was nice enough to pose for this pic under the blossoms. The book she's holding is our text. We had just finished class. Synergy 4. It's an advanced class. She's pretty good at English. Today I had another girl from Sun Ae's class ask me one of the enfuriatingly complex questions you always get from advanced classes. You know, things that nobody needs to know. She showed me two sentences: "All children under 10 fly free." and "Passengers may move about the cabin freely." Then she asked if free and freely were both used as adverbs. I said they were. Then she said, "Well then why don't we say, 'All children under 10 fly freely."? What do you say? Of course it messes up the meaning. Children flying freely brings to mind scenes of kids flapping their arms and flying anywhere they desire. And we don't use "freely" to express a price, or lack thereof. So I started to verbally hypothesize that maybe "free" is an adjective describing the flight, which is a noun. But that just ain't the case. So after arguing with myself for a while I ended up saying that there isn't any answer I could give her that would improve her English in the least. Why do Koreans use Chinese numbers to count books but Korean numbers to count papers? They just DO. That's the only reason I could give her. And it's probably the right one. But she was very dissatisfied. Advanced classes! I love them but they all seem to have these stumpers to pull out just to test the teacher. Anyway, see what I mean about the Korean peace pose? Sun Ae is doing it just like Alex was in my last entry. I have taught a lot of "show us your pictures" classes in this country and I'd say 90% of the pictures included SOMEBODY flashing the peace sign. The pic on the right is the magnolia tree in the foreground trying not to be outbloomed.

Okay, it's just after 6 PM here. I've already heard 3 election trucks go by announcing the candidacy of so and so. One was number 4, (They are all given numbers and colours. Four is orange, one is green and so on. If you think about this it will tell you quite a bit about both the candidates and the electorate), one was 1 and the other was a truck for candidate number 2 with a female voice on a very loud PA on the roof of the truck begging for votes in a voice that sounded like she was on the verge of, or IN tears. #2 must not be doing well in the polls. Everywhere you look you see banners for the various candidates. Canvassers have told me several times to vote for number 6 or yellow or whatever. ME! I can't vote!

The other day I saw a big orange number 4 double sized cube van looking vehicle pull up to the E-Mart intersection. The WHOLE side of the truck opened up and a troop of middle aged ladies decked out in orange uniforms including sporty orange baseball caps resting atop their permed hair piled out like stormtroopers and began canvassing, (not to say accosting), passers-by for votes.

At the bus depot yesterday I had to elbow my way through green uniform wearing ajjumas, (married ladies), who were doing choreography to a chipmunk version of a familiar Korean national hymn and forcibly stopping people like they were Sunday grocery shoppers at Home Plus or something. There are parallels here. I mean who are they trying to appeal to with the hard sell and all these hokey tactics? Every one of them makes ME want to vote for someone else. But maybe the candidates know their electorate better than I. I'm not gonna do a negative post. I've had a good day and there is one, (and only one), good thing to come out of all this political silliness: I don't work tomorrow. Yeehaw!

I DO hope the trucks aren't out in force early tomorrow morning drumming up the last percentages of support while I'm sleeping IN on a Wednesday. Note to self: drink lots tonight so this won't be a problem.

There is ONE last thing I'd like to add before I stop posting about the cherry blossoms and springtime in Korea. Soon to be followed by complaining about the wet, muggy, hot summer in Korea. It's a question that has puzzled me for many years. I've shown you literally thousands of cherry blossoms here. There are cherry blossom trees everywhere in Korea. In fact I've been told by several students that the cherry blossom trees were an example, (one of many they tell me), of things the Japanese "borrowed" from the Koreans during colonization. But in all my time in Korea, (and in Japan for that matter), I have yet to see a CHERRY on any of these trees. Once in a long while I see a package of 30 or 40 battered, well travelled cherries on sale at E-Mart for 15 bucks or so, but I've never seen a fruit bearing tree here. Koreans don't even LIKE cherries! A flower on a cherry tree turns into a cherry, right? I know it does cuz I used to live on a property that had cherry trees. Where do the cherries go? Like ducks in Central Park. Where do they go? It's a mystery. A riddle wrapped in a conundrum smothered in enigma. I am making it my mission to find out.

Bloomin' beautiful

By my count I've been in Mokpo for six weeks. That's a month and a half in new parent lingo. I think I'm starting to get used to it. Kinda. I still have the new town thrill of finding little shops and locations that might become regular visiting sites in the future. Like a couple weeks ago when I hiked up the hill beside the temple in town. That was nice. The cherry blossoms on the trees were just coming out there. That was the first I saw of any in town. A few days later I saw a tree at work bursting into flower. Now the whole place is alive with the smell and sight of what they call in Korea "putt gote" but don't quote me on that. Especially not the spelling.

Nice eh? These pics are from the tree at school. There are probably a hundred of these trees on the campus of Mokpo U. but this one right in front of our building got the jump on the others by a full week. I wonder why. The magnolia buds are blowing up too. And the yellow flowers they call in Korean "kaenari" that I don't actually know the English word for, they're coming into bloom all over the place too. It's a great time of the year for hiking. Which is why it's a terrible time of the year for hiking. Sigh. Because just like the time of year when the leaves on the maple trees turn red, EVERYBODY in Korea becomes a hiker and the trails are like subway tunnels at rush hour. Not my kind of hiking. I prefer hiking in winter when it's cold, I don't sweat my bollocks off, everything's dead and the trails are empty. THAT'S NATURE!

But I don't really feel like I live in Mokpo yet. There are a lot of things I have yet to do here. I haven't gone out drinking yet. I went out with some teachers for dinner a time or two and I had a party at my place but I haven't yet bought a beer in a Mokpo bar.

I haven't ordered a pizza either. I've been taking advantage of my oven. I just recently made my second lasagna and boy was it tasty! I used ricotta, mozarella and feta cheeses. Plus I put zucchini and Italian sausage sauce in it. Still got half of it left too. I will probably bake my own pizza before ordering one. I have a kilo of pepperoni in the freezer.

I think I know the reason. I've been visiting other places on the weekends. Last weekend I stayed home but didn't really go out because I was playing all the new computer and X-Box games I got from the visit to the Jackson family residence the weekend before. Things are a bit hectic there in Osan but the hagwon looks nice and the boys are dealing with the new life pretty well. The Jackson 4 were just moving into their new apartment when I visited. I even helped a little bit.

Kids can be so angelic at times can't they? Particularly nap time. Look how cute they are. Alex already has the peace and the pose perfected. A must for a Korean. Or a Korean/Canadian. And Justin is already taking up the piano. Tickling the ivory and belting out a song. So cute. BUT...

boys will be boys. The peace sign can turn into a raspberry and the belting out of a song can deteriorate into screaming as fast as you can say, "Calgon take me away!" Here I am talking like a parent. I'm not the one living with these dudes and trying to start a business at the same time! Thank God. heh heh heh. But Scott and Min Ju are doing a good job. I DID notice that they both drank a little more beer than usual when we went out Friday night. I think they might have even kept up with ME! Ahhh they've earned it.

So yeah, I got about 100 new games for my X-box and access to about 1000 on bigfishgames.com from the Jacksons for Christmas. That's all I've been doing in my free time, (what little I now have), since last weekend. I particularly like this game called Peggle on the computer and this one called NHL 2K6 on the X-Box. I made my own hockey team called the Tuktoyaktuk Seal-Clubbers and made players for my team. Scott is my high scoring right winger and Mike is my center. I have Wallace and Gil on defence and Tim and Corey between the pipes. We're undefeated. Two months into the season. Thank you very much.

So I reckon this week should be the week I go out for a beverage in town. I could even go tomorrow if I wanted! Tomorrow is Tuesday. The Tuesday before election day. Or phonetically in Korea, "erection" day. We don't have to work. Woohoo! Then the next two weeks will be exams. Next week speaking tests and the week after written tests. Then we're already half way through the session. WOW! A lot can happen in six weeks!

Security Breach

If there's one thing that burns my ass it's when people try to force protection on me. I particularly hate it when people make laws to force protection on me. I guess it's because it's a shot to my pride. It's like somebody is saying I'm not smart enough to protect myself so they are making it illegal to be stupid. Like seatbelts. I don't think the cops should be able to give an adult a ticket for not wearing one. It's rightfully the decision of that person. The only person he/she could be endangering is him/herself. Or marijuana. Pot smoking endangers the lungs of the users. Possibly the brain but I don't know if there's any conclusive science to that. I DO know that nobody has ever been attacked and harmed by someone flipping out on weed. If anything smoking pot protects other people from the smoker cuz it just mellows the user out. But it's illegal for everyone. It would make much more sense to have a law that makes marijuana use mandatory for highly exciteable people. By making pot illegal and forcing everyone to wear seatbelts lawmakers are sending the general public the message that they don't think we're smart enough to make the right choices on these issues.

By far the biggest example of what I'm talking about is government in general. That's basically what they do isn't it? Make decisions for us dummies? Yet they say they trust our decisions to vote for the person who will make the right decisions for us. Our system of government doesn't make a whole lot of sense but that's for another post.

There are all kinds of inconsistencies in security rules these days. I'll give you an example of one thing I think people are forced to be UNDER-secure about: signatures. Everything you do these days requires a signature. 99% of the time they're totally unnecessary and most people don't know this but in a large number of cases when people require us to sign some form it is actually illegal. Forms that you MUST sign are very rare. But it's become a habit hasn't it? Trying to make things look official you get a signature. Here in Korea it's a very big trend. And invariably the space they leave for the signature is too small. And often they force you to sign a paper and then they give it to YOU! That happened just 2 days ago when I had my cable box removed. The technician filled out some spaces on a form that was incomprehensible to me anyway, asked for my signature then gave it to me. Kept no copy for himself. He just gave me my signature. Nice of him. And it has happened to me quite a few times here in Korea.

Think of all the things people can do with a signature. They can sign for a hotel room or room service. They can write checks, even walk into a bank and withdraw money if they know your account number. And what if the form you are handed says something like "I admit to the planning and execution of the bombing of the WTC". If you sign it, you did it! Yet we sign stuff all the time don't we? Often without reading it or having any idea what it is. I've started just signing with my initials. I sometimes even write Homer Simpson instead of my own name. One time during my recent trip to the Philippines I was asked to sign a drink bill and I just scribbled and scribbled and scribbled until the bill was almost completely black with ink.

Yet some of the people who are the most cavalier about spreading their signatures throughout the world have triple encrypted, multi-password protected, firewall supported security systems on their computers. They wouldn't want anyone to see the last email they sent!

I've never been one for computer security. It has caused me far more problems than it has solved. I had Norton Antivirus for a day. It bogged my computer down so much and found so many viruses that I was beginning to think IT was the biggest virus I had. I removed it and haven't had a computer meltdown yet. There's no way it found as many viruses as it told me it did. But for a day I was getting pretty paranoid. I thought maybe people were reading my email or scanning my hard drives. Then I thought about what I have on my computer. Other than a few nekkid pics I don't have anything to hide. And if there really were people hacking in to see what I've got on here, I figure smarts like that should be rewarded. They can go ahead and view my nekkid pics.

But the people at Microsoft are trying to force me to be more secure. About 20 times a day I am told that my firewall is switched off or my computer might be at risk or there are important security updates I need to install. PPPppbbbbbttttthhhhhbbbbbbttttt! Generally they cause more problems than they solve. I do an Adaware scan, disk cleanup and defrag every so often and that's as secure as I figure I need to be. I sometimes even download a virus scan program, use it once then nuke it.

My recent problems with internet cable are, I believe, the result of too much security as well. I can no longer use Yahoo Messenger because it doesn't work when my computer's security level is at "medium" and the cable that I am using for internet, Hanaro, doesn't work when my computer's setting is any lower than "medium". The cable is too secure for its own good. It's the same thing as the seatbelts really. I am aware that through Yahoo Messenger I could get files sent to me that will be damaging to my computer. I am willing to take that risk and I resent anyone denying me the freedom to take that risk.

I really great example of how silly things are getting out there is my Canadian bank account. I live in Korea. I got the account before coming here with the intention of using it for 2 things: to make internet transfer payments on my locker where I have some of my belongings stored in Canada and for emergency withdrawals when I'm in, say, the Philippines and my Korean bank card won't work. I specifically asked when I got the account if I could make withdrawals from bank machines in the Philippines and was assured that it would be no problem. I went to the Philippines and had to beg for money in the airport because the card didn't work. Then when I convinced an airport security guard that if he lent me 50 bucks for the airport tax now, I'd send him 400 bucks later. He did and I did. So I made it home to Korea whereupon I undertook a lengthy process of trying to do something about my impotent bank card. What it came down to was that for security reasons they can't do anything online or over the phone. So there was nothing I could do. I eventually met a guy who was a banker in Canada and he made a few calls and got my problem solved for me. But what kind of logic is there to a bank account that allows me to make payments, transfer funds etc. online, but doesn't allow me to apply for international service, adjust my daily limit or things like that? It's not logic, it's paranoia.

I recently had my account frozen because I was "asked" if I would like to increase my security by choosing not one, not two, not three, not four, but FIVE additional new passwords for my account. When I chose to ignore the offer they froze my account. I eventually gave in and chose the damn passwords. A lot of good they did me. A very short time later some chick named Crystal McLeod tried to withdraw 1000 bucks from my account. It was a helluvan ordeal trying to get somebody to allow me to send email or talk on an insecure phone line to explain this problem but eventually after spending almost a grand on phone bills being referred from my bank to another person to another person to another person and so on I got an agency called the internet fraud agency of Canada or something like that and they were able to take my details over the phone and get something done. The 1000 bucks was returned to my account.

I wish I could remember that number.

I checked my account Friday. I was going to make an etransfer to the place where my stuff is stored. I found two withdrawals of about 700 bucks each that I hadn't made. I sent an email to my bank's customer service representative and he, (a guy named Jeff), said there was nothing he could do about it online and left me with a list of phone numbers I could call. I've tried several of them and they don't work. The number of my bank is the only one I know will work but I have to call them when they're open. And then I'll be referred to twenty different people again. For security reasons.

Somebody has hacked into my SUPER safe account! It's so safe I can't exchange information about it by phone or email. It's so safe I need 6 passwords. But for the second time in less than a year someone has stolen money from it! There were two payments made to a Canadian Tire Mastercard. I got the number on my list of payees on my account. So probably while the person was doing this, I could have used the credit card number to charge all kinds of stuff. But I didn't notice it in time. The payments to the card were made March 10th and 12th. After that the card was cancelled.

In order to do internet banking from my account you need my number and my password. There exists only one piece of paper that I know of with that information on it. It's beside me as I type this here in Korea. Also whoever stole my money created a new payee on my account which included the credit card number. There are no Canadian Tires here in Korea. Security was breached in Canada. Maybe someone was picking through the garbage behind my bank, maybe my bank somehow made a mistake and billed my account erroneously, maybe there is another David MacCannell and that caused a mix-up, or maybe someone stole my information from the internet or from the bank records. Either way I'm out 1400 bucks and I'm not too happy about it.

I've told the customer "service" guy that I want to close my account. Guess what the reply will be. Sorry for security reasons we can't do anything online or over the phone. Because of tight security I will have to go to my bank in person to close my account that has been accessed illegally TWICE because of bad security. What's to stop the Canadian Tire Bandit from getting a new credit card, maxing it out and paying it off from my account again while I'm wading through the "security" measures to try to secure my money? I don't see why I can't call somebody, tell them my 6 passwords, my bank card number, my Mother's maiden name etc. and get them to wire the money to my bank here in Korea. They probably need me to be there so they can get my signature. Cuz like we established earlier, that's so very secure isn't it?

The bottom line is I'm not going to try to make everything 100% secure in my life because then I won't be able to trust anyone. And can you ever really be 100% secure? I thought my bank was pretty secure. I trusted Canada Trust. And I don't know if I'll ever find out who's ripping me off but it might be one of the workers at my bank.

I will continue to be careful. Sometimes even foolish with my trust. And I'll probably continue to get burned for it because there are people out there, (bastards), who want to take advantage of people's trust. Money makes people do terrible things.

There are people who would use my story as an example of why the internet shoud be "regulated". But that would be just another example of other people forcing protection on us. I lost 1400 bucks and I won't likely get it back. But I made the decision for myself to use internet banking. It might have been a bad decision or a stupid one but I figure 1400 bucks is a small price to pay for the freedom to make that decision for myself.

There have been times when I was the guy who someone had to trust. What if the security guard at the airport didn't trust me? There are times in everyone's life when they need to be trusted. In an overprotected, paranoid society nobody would ever stop to help a neighbour fix a flat tire. Nobody would stop and offer help at the scene of an accident.

So I'm not going to let this incident turn me into a less trusting person. Maybe I should but I won't. But I sure hope they can get me my money back. I hope they catch the jerk who stole the money from me too. Just for the pain I'm gonna have to go through informing my bank about what has happened I'd like to beat that Canadian Tire Bandit about the head with his/her own computer monitor.