I Made it Back

I'm home from Thailand. The trip was murder as usual. Left Thailand at 12:30 and got to Korea around 6 AM. Didn't sleep a wink. Even on the luxury bus to Ui Jung Boo I couldn't sleep. Got home around 8:30 I think and my house was a holy mess! I guess it had rained a lot while I was gone cuz the house was full of mold. But there was also DUST everywhere. How the hell does that happen?

So before hitting my bed with all my comfy pillows I missed so much I washed the floors, did some dishes that had beards on them, and, (NOOOOOO!!!), killed some ants. They're back.

I also flashed up the old computer. It too has suffered from the month I was away I think. I got some weird problems. Like when I went to a site where I could type as soon as I hit a key it was freezing. Couldn't use the mouse or the keyboard. But that problem seems to be slowly going away. As you can see. Could the humidity have caused that? I did some computer cleaning and reset the keyboard drivers but I really think it was just a month of sitting that caused the problem.

But now I can do another entry. Where to begin...

The trip was relatively, (for me), low on disaster. Apart from being chased by a pack of wild dogs... TWICE, getting dinged for 1000 baht because I overstayed two days, (really they stamped my passport for 28 days even though they knew I was staying 30), almost getting bit by a snake while looking for Ray's ball in the rough, and shooting my worst round of golf on the day of the tourney it was a lovely vacation. Spent way more than planned but I got a new set of clubs and a cool new camera.

The camera has a few problems but I think I'll iron them out soon. I can't seem to take pictures in focus even with the thing on auto. So I may have to learn how to focus manually. The movies are all in focus but they come out all grainy when I watch them on the computer. And a lot of the settings seem to be bogus. Taking a picture through glass doesn't seem to work better on the "through glass" setting for instance. But I hope to experiment and improve as I go along.

Yes, I did get chased by a pack of dogs. They live just beside a fairly busy street in Pattaya called 3rd Road. The driving range is just past where the dogs hang out. And I don't know how I managed to get past them but I went fishing at a fishing pond down their road. I only caught a couple of small ones but some people there were landing big ones. The guy beside me got a bite and his pole went into the water and water skied behind the fish for a while before sinking out of sight. That was funny. But coming back from the fishing hole I had to go out to 3rd road past a field. I saw a dog in the field and said hello as he walked closer to me. Then two more and two more and two more came out of nowhere. Pretty soon there were like 20 and they were all growling and showing their teeth. I started running. Luckily I was pretty close to 3rd road before they organized their attack. And a guy on a moped saw them chasing me and cut them off, revved his engine and scared them away. I don't know how I managed to get TO the fishing hole past their field. They would have eaten me up if I ran AWAY from 3rd road.

Then a few days later I was walking back from the driving range and the same thing happened. One then two more then two more then two more. I had my clubs with me so could have defended myself but I just found an opening and ran across the road to the other side. Another falang was walking behind me and he did the same thing. "Falang" means foreigner. They weren't old dogs either. They weren't puppies but they were like teenagers I guess. Bored teenagers who aren't enrolled in any sports and don't have doggy Playstation to keep them busy. But I didn't get bit.

I would rather get bit by a dog than the snake I nearly stomped on at Kow Kiau golf course. I don't know if it was poisonous but it had about a foot of its body off the ground and it was swaying like a python. I was looking along a nice trimmed bush, (something there is a lot of in Pattaya : ) but I was pretty sure Ray's shot went past the bush into the unmanicured rough. I was just lifting my leg to hop over the nice shrubbery and into the rough stuff when I saw the snake. Lucky I looked before I leapt. Ray took a lost ball penalty. And didn't feel as bad about it as one normally does.

I saw a ton of monkeys on the Monkey Course where we had our best ball tourney. I'm told they like to go through pockets in golf bags and take stuff so we didn't let them get too close. Even saw an elephant on the way home from golf one day. A logging elephant I think. No crocs though. Didn't get my hand bit off like Chubs from Happy Gilmore.

I managed to get two birdies, (not including the ones in the best ball tournament), and a whole pile of pars. My best round was 45/43 on Thai Navy course. 6 pars and a birdie there. And a triple on both the front and the back. About a 40 foot chip and run for the bird too. It was sweet!

I didn't get to fire a fully automatic weapon like the M 16's the have in Cambodia but shot a couple handguns. I started with the .44 and did okay. All my shots missed low and right so I think the site was off a bit. I took 12 shots with that. Then I tried a Gloc. What a tough gun to shoot that is! I couldn't hit the broad side of the barn with it. But then I tried the .22 to see if I still had the old dead eye. I like .22's. And even though they moved the target back so I couldn't even see the holes I was making, when they reeled the target in the holes were all in the right places. In the pic the big holes are from the Gloc and the little ones are the .22.

I DID get the new camera into the water and took some pics of fish with it but they're all blurry. That was disappointing. Still not bad though.

I went to the go-cart track with Pen, the accountant at Gordon's bar. We had a fun time. Pen had no licence so she went for a nice Sunday drive. I was smoking around the track. Had a couple of really good laps. Pen and I were both dirty afterwards. The carts are pretty close to the ground. We both had oil or rubber on our pants after we left. But it was worth it.

I spent a whole day at the Crocodile Park again. I went last year but my camera battery died so I couldn't get all the pics I wanted. I went with the new camera this year and wouldn't you know it, the battery died after only a few pictures again. I DID get a pic of the little tigress I fed last year. She has doubled in size. Don't think she remembered me though. But the elephants did. I fed them a huge pile of bananas. The little baby elephants came right up to me and said hello with their trunks. They're so cute! I like the big ones too. Elephants never forget. And I must have fed 10 bowls of food to the giant catfish. I still want to get a movie of those babies. They are monstrous!

I went to the Ripley's Believe it or not museum. Ennnnhhhh... Not bad not great.

I went to Underwater World. They have lots of rays, tortoises, sharks, huge groupers and cod, tuna and even some river otters. They were my fave. But I didn't get pictures because the camera died. They had a tank where you could touch a stingray as it swam by. And I did. A few times. Croikey that was fun mate! Sorry.


Caught a little Muai Thai action. Even went toe to toe with a couple practitioners myself. Afterwards I felt a little like visiting a general practitioner I'll tell you hwat. Those boys are in unbelievable shape to do what they do in the heat they do it in. Just watching them makes me sweat. More. And order another drink.

And I even found a bar that had a really HOT rock band. I spent a lot of time and money there. It was called Climax Bar on Walking Street. I'd recommend it.

I DIDN'T spend, (waste), a second on the beach. Well, I did walk there at sunset and after hours but no suntanning for me. Not even swimming. I was too busy doing better stuff. And I didn't go to a single temple. Seen enough.

Out of the whole month there was ONE day I spent in the hotel room. That was the day after I discovered Climax Bar. I think I was doing shots with the band. Ugh.

Met a lot of new friends and caught up with some old ones. In both senses. Ar ar. I ate some spectacular food. Only had a few bad meals. And had a really great time. These are just some of the pics. And finally, I had to throw in a little porn.

Isn't she little? Porn? Cute as a button though. That's Pen with her. Porn was our waitress for breakfast before the go carts. Ha ha ha.

A few more pics

I made another major purchase. It was kind of spooky how it worked out. I was using my old camera to take some pics down at the beach and it just jammed. The lens can't go all the way in or out. So now it's completely useless. But I was just around the corner from the place I saw the camera I wanted last year. So I went back and there it was. The shockproof, waterproof Olympus 770 SW. I like it already. So I'm gonna show you some pics from it:

To your left you see the scorecard from my latest round of golf. Just yesterday, (Thurs.). Well the front 9 anyway. I'm "D". Not bad eh? Bogey golf. I'll take it. I golfed with Gord, Mel and Storm. Storm was hilarious. He owns one of the bars across from Memories/Gorkles. He improved a lot on the back nine. I did okay on the back too but had a couple of holes I couldn't finish so don't know my real score. The course was super busy. So we were being rushed by everybody. I absolutely hate that. It's like those assholes who blow their horns in traffic gridlock. Like it's gonna help at all. On my first hole I put my drive into the woods. Not deep though. I could see the ball from the tee. But while we were driving to it I saw a guy from a hole beside us playing a ball from where mine was. I think it was mine cuz I couldn't find mine. But while I was looking the dipshit course marshall told the other guys to hurry up. So I dropped a ball and shot. It went over the green. When I got to it everyone was finished the hole and the guys behind us were firing at the green. So I had to pick up my ball, go to the next hole and wait for not one but TWO groups ahead of us to tee off. Gord was scoring and he gave me an 8. No way I woulda got an 8. Then it happened to me AGAIN! I hit what felt like a really good shot but nobody including my caddy and me, saw it. It just disappeared. And you can't spend a minute looking or you forfeit the hole. Cuz we all had to hurry up and wait. I really HATE golfing like that. But I'm happy with the front nine.

Above are two holes from the course I've golfed most here. It's called Phoenix. I've been there twice this year and did it once last year. Gorgeous eh? Look closely at the mountain in the pic on the right and you can see a huge Buddha carved into it. All I've done so far is golf and drink here. But I ain't complaining. I'm going out again Sunday and then Tuesday I'm entered into a Texas Scramble tournament with Gord, Joe and another guy. Should be a blast.

Below are a couple shots of the beach area. I was testing my new cam's night ability. Boy, you need a steady hand lemme tell ya. The bright lights out on the water are boats. I think they might have casinos on them but I'm not sure. Walking street is a street that's lit up like a Christmas Tree at night. Other than that and its multitude of fish and seafood restaurants, there is really nothing else about Walking Street that could be related to Christ or Christian ethics if you know what I'm saying... Heh heh heh. But I DID find an awesome rock bar called Climax underneath a go-go bar where half naked girls stand outside on a stairway and beckon in foolish men. The band at Climax was superb. I WILL return. It reminded me a lot of Woodstock in Seoul. I promise to get better with the new cam so I can get some really good underwater shots. See you then.

The golfing is good.

Hey everybody. I just thought I'd post a couple of pics from the courses around here to show you all how nice they are. I'm at a computer that costs a baht a minute and the space bar doesn't work every time so this won't be a long post. Been out twice and going again tue. I would have golfed more but there's some kind of holiday here now. Courses are closed. First round I shot 52/53 105. The new clubs are great! Bought a full set from Gord, the guy who owns Memories bar. Actually that's where I'm staying too. He gave me a great deal on the room and the clubs. (That's him in the beige shirt on the left.) BUT, Memories is now a memory. An Australian guy bought it from Gord and it's now called Gorkle's. Anyway, the second round I got 48/48 96. So I'm getting better. My putting and chipping sucks too. So when they get better I should be down to bogey golf or better.

The other guy in both pics is Danny. I golfed with him both times. We went to Phoenix, (pic 1) and Greenwood, (pic 2).

And that's Danny putting all his weight on his partial foot in pic 3. But he got a good shot out of it. I met a new bunch of golfers through Ray, the owner of Gorkles so I should be able to go out more often. I'll try to take more pics. Anyways, farewell to Memories and hello Gorkle. And in golf, farewell hundreds and hello 80's and 90's.

I made it

Just to let everyone know, (and gloat just a little bit), I am now in Bangkok. After a few hours of sleep constantly interrupted by noisy drunks and slamming doors at the Kaosan Palace Hotel, and a one hour delay on my ticket to Pattaya, I'm at the Sawasdee waiting for breakfast and the bus.

They sure do slow you down here! This internet is a great example. Not only do I have time to read a book while I'm waiting for net pages to come up, I can read a few words while waiting for the words I type here to come up too! Who knows if this post will work? So I better keep this short.

It doesn't suck to be me right now.

I'm going to Thailand!

Folks I gotta say I'm a bit surprised to be typing this but I am going to Thailand. There were many moments when I thought I wasn't gonna make it and the process of getting a passport caused me enough stress on its own to warrant me a vacation but it'll all be forgotten the second I make my first "whack-fuck".

I played pool Wednesday night. One game of singles. Lost to a chick. She was good! She almost ran me out off the break. I actually played well but while I was coming back from her tremendous break run I had it down to two balls to one for her. I made a bad shot on one of my balls, which hit her's into the pocket so all she had to do then was sink the eight.

Then, like an idiot, I stayed up all night drinking. I took the first subway home at 5:30, fell asleep and passed my stop, took the next subway back, fell asleep and passed my stop, got out to street level to stop the nonsense and take a taxi home. While walking in a sea of humanity to a bunch of waiting buses and taxis I stepped on a really dangerous 5 or 6 inch dip on the sidewalk that was hard to see in a crowd of people. I really hurt my ankle bad and taught the entire subway load of people a lesson in English expletives. Free of charge. I took an 11,000 won taxi ride home and slept from about 8 to noon then started the passport frustration again. With a hangover. And a twisted ankle.

The last instructions Mike gave to me were, "Call us Thursday to see if the temporary passport is ready." If that sounds like an easy thing to do you haven't dealt with any Canadian government agencies. I have about 10 numbers for the Canadian Embassy in Seoul on a page taped to my wall beside me and none of them work. However, Mike told me how to call and I tried that. The obligatory Canadian government answering service labyrinth. "If you know the extension of the person you are trying to reach press it now." Nobody has extensions you fucking assholes! If Mike had one I'm sure he would have told me.

Luckily, I was having this conversation with my friend Annaliese just a week earlier and she told me her friend had discovered that if you just press zero you get to a human being. I gave it a whirl. It WORKED! Sort of. I mean it wasn't really a human being, it was a Canadian government employee. In my hangover scratchy lowered voice I told her Mike had told me to call and see if my temp. passport was ready. She says, "Please hold I'll connect you." I get another answering machine. A woman saying she's not in, please leave a message. Oh I left a message.

I call back, press zero and get the same chick. "Please hold, I'll connect you." I say, "Wait. Please don't connect me. Last time I got an answering machine. Is there someone there I can talk to?" She tells me she thought my call was personal so she patched me through to Mike's wife. Mike's WIFE! I say, "No. I told you twice it's about my temporary passport." "Okay, please hold I'll connect you." ANOTHER answering machine. I left a message asking why Canadian gvt. SERVICES are so fucking unserviceable, told the person to call back, gave my number and a very long sigh then said, "I'm not expecting much."

Lo and behold, she DID call back! Not much later! Told me the passport was ready and to come get it by 4:30. I limped in to the embassy and got it by 3:30, had a classic Italian sub and broccoli cheese soup at Quiznos too. Why is it that when I get anything accomplished involving my country's government I feel like the intrepid Edmund Hillary reaching the summit of Everest? And I did it all alone. No Shirpas helping me. Schirpas? How do you spell that anyway?

Across the street from the embassy is a KB bank. It was only a little after 4 so I figured I'd go in and get some Thai cash. Talk about out of the frying pan into the fire. From a Canadian govt. agency to a bank! What a day!

I had also heard from April, who works at a bank, something about bank cards no longer working overseas. I thought I'd ask. I got to the teller on the second floor and he told me that foreigners were no longer allowed to withdraw funds from their accounts using their bankcards outside Korea. I said it was a really racist rule and that I doubted there were any "developed" countries other than Korea that had such a policy. I said it was pretty silly to have Cirrus or Maestro without overseas service. But he said what bankers always say, "It was the decision of the head of the company." In other words, "IT'S A RULE!" I also told him that last year my card worked fine in Thailand. He looked puzzled. I can understand because being a bank employee I'm sure he's not used to his company actually having provided helpful services like that.

I go downstairs to withdraw some money from the bank machine. You see, you can't use your card to get the money removed electronically even though they have all the necessary equipment to do so, you have to physically take money out of the machine, take it upstairs and physically put it back. Why? Cuz it's a rule. I knew this rule from before. So I get back to the guy with a fistfull of cash and he's on the phone. He asks me for my card which I foolishly give him. He reads the number into the phone over my protests and thwarts my attempts to take the card away from him. He hangs up the phone and tells me that since I got the card before April 14th, (my birthday), 2006, I can still use it overseas. Any cards acquired after that date can't be used by foreigners overseas. So despite his best efforts he couldn't deactivate my card. Little prick.

Incidentally, the guy who made the racist rule and the stupid musical cash machine rule, (and countless other jaw-droppingly vacuous such rules), qualifies to be a guarantor for my passport. This is the kind of person Passport Canada wants certifying our citizenship!

That my bankcard was gonna work came as especially good news to me since recently my Canadian account, (which I set up so that I would DEFINITELY have access to my cash overseas), has been frozen. The good people at TD bank have been forcing their protection onto their customers. There are few things I hate worse. I was told to choose not one, not two, not three, not four but FIVE extra passwords for my account. I don't want or need them so I had been bypassing the page where I was ordered by my bank to choose them. So they froze my account. Fascists!

So I went to the page that was supposed to reactivate my account. I picked my five new fucking passwords then pressed enter. I got a message that my session had timed out and I was to call the bank at this number...... No fucking way was I falling for THAT trick again. I ESPECIALLY hate doing the telephone gymnastics long distance. So I tried the page again and timed out again. So I can't do anything with my money in Canada. This trip might just end up being more adventurous than expected.

Next I had to go to work and return all the papers from the summer course I had taught. The students' exams, attendance, that sort of thing. I also had to input the syllabus for NEXT semester. I had tried the day before but after doing it THREE times most of it just kept mysteriously disappearing. So I sent an email to my supervisor saying that I couldn't meet the deadline, which was that day. I got an email this morning from her that said my syllabus had been entered and thanking me for doing a fine job. Wonders never cease.

So aside from a bit of a sore ankle and a frozen bank account I have no problems to think about in Thailand. I really need this vacation.

I Just Might Make It To Thailand

Well, events have warranted a new post.

I got an email from a guy named Mike who works at the Canadian Embassy in Seoul telling me that I could get someone at the office to be my guarantor. Again, someone who doesn't know me from Adam Sandler and who doesn't do the service for free. This was Thursday I got the email.

So I filled out all the forms. I got my friends Scott and Annaliese to be my references and got all the details about their addresses and phone numbers. I went to a photographer at the front gate of HUFS, where I work and with a little explanation through pigeon Korean and body language I got him to stamp and date one of the pics properly. Then after work I decided, just in case, to go see if I could find this embassy.

I knew it was in the downtown area right behind City Hall but it's never easy to find anything in that mess of buildings. Lucky I went on this reconnaissance mission! It took me just over an hour to find. I asked the information guy at the subway station where it was and he directed me to exit 3. I found it odd that the Canadian Embassy wasn't marked on any of the maps they have in the subway station that show the nearby buildings.

I exited through exit 3 and I asked several other people for directions. One security guard gave me directions and told me I had about 700 meters to go. I was pretty close. So I walked exactly where he told me and came upon the Nanta Theater. I guess when I was saying "Canada" (embassy) he thought I was saying "Nanta" (theater). But curiously enough I asked another security guard near the Nanta who also told me he knew where it was and pointed me to a building where it definitely WASN'T. Sometimes I just wanna teach Koreans to say "I don't know."

It was a very hot and muggy afternoon and I was carrying a full briefcase with me and still dressed in my much too heavy work clothes. I was sweating like a whore in church. But I figured I'd go out to the main road and try again. On my way out I saw a brick wall with a fence on top of it and a nicely cut lawn behind the fence. On the wall was the seal of Canada. But there was no building that resembled an office where one might find the Canadian Embassy. And there was no easily aparent way into the area where the lawn was.

I got out to the main road and wandered around some more until I found a tourist information kiosk. I went inside and asked for some info. The girl there spoke English and had a map. On the map I saw that it was exactly where I thought it was, exactly where I'd been, right behind City Hall. She said it was in the Kolon building. Nice name eh?

So I went back to where I was and wandered around some more. I think I went down every street and cross-street before I finally found the Kolon building. Right around the corner from EXIT 4! Nowhere near exit 3! It was 4:30. The embassy closes at 4:30 so there was no chance for me to go in and get anything ready for the next day. Mike had told me there would be a form to fill out called the "in lieu of guarantor" form or something like that. I thought maybe I could pick that up before closing time but no such luck.

Besides there was a Quiznos Subs right across from the Kolon Building and I hadn't eaten since breakfast. So I got an Italian Classic sub and a bowl of broccoli cheese soup. And I dried off a little bit while in the air conditioned restaurant. I got some Krispy Kreme doughnuts and a book from Kyobo Book Store too. So it wasn't a complete waste of time. But I asked about 20 people where the Krispy Kreme doughnuts store was too and think I could have found it more easily if I had just used The Force.

I figure I walked farther than my 6K fitness walk and sweat about as much. My pants were all salty in the ass when I got home and took them off. Man I hate that!

Next morning bright and early I went to the embassy and got the in lieu of guarantor form. I needed extra identification, two more references and I had two tiny lines to list my employers for the past 5 years. I wasn't about to go home and get all the addresses and phone numbers of employers and references so I did the best I could. I gave them my friend Kasia as a reference. She won't be reachable until September. I also gave them Scott's wife, Minju because I already had her address on the other application. And I just faked the past employers. I told them I had worked at Seogang College for 3 years when actually it was only one.

I got in to the window behind which Mike was sitting. We talked about where I was going and low and behold he goes golfing in Pattaya too! He told me about a good hotel I'm thinking of staying at. Lek Hotel it's called. Anyway, he said I could get the temporary passport on Thursday the 19th. That's the day before I travel. When I get back from my month in Thailand my real passport will be ready and all I will have to do is go to the NEW office and trade the temp. for the new passport. He did say, however, that they will only be able to get me my temporary passport on Thursday if everything goes smoothly. Like if they can reach all my references and if they don't find any discrepancies on my application. heh heh heh.

But screw them if they are that picky! Yeah I lied about my past employment cuz I didn't have all the info, (the thoroughly useless info.) that they asked for. So I cheated once. THEY gave me a stranger for a guarantor who charged me money to sign my forms. So THEY cheated TWICE! But I doubt that will be a good enough defence if they ask me why I lied on the guarantor form. Neither will, "That form will be a dinosaur in three months anyway!"

But we'll see how things go. Fingers crossed.

I already sent an email to one of the guys I golf with and since he was in charge of the golfing trips and had a bad scooter crack up, the club is in a bit of a shambles right now. But he says there are still some guys who go out.

SO the Thai vacation is STILL not a positive but I have paid for my ticket. I asked my travel agent to fax my itinerary to the embassy. That was one of the things they needed to speed up the passport. I hope she did that.

Yeah! This is the kind of frantic planning and stress a good trip ought to have! I feel like I'm on vacation already!

Oh, and that mysterious Canadian seal I found? (I mean seal of Canada. I guess a seal of ANY origin would be mysterious in downtown Seoul in mid summer!) THAT is where the NEW Canadian Embassy is going to be. So I already know where to go to get my new passport. I hope I don't have to scale the wall and climb the fence though.

Vacation Time Again

Well it's vacation time again. I have two days of teaching left and then it's time to head off to golf and drink and swim and relax in Thailand.

GOD! If only it were that easy for me! No, as you can read in my brief bio on this blog, travel adventures are my forte. In fact people sometimes ask to hear my travel nightmares even if they've heard them before. And to me they are like bad old memories: they suck when they happen but they're great stories. I've had luggage lost; I've been robbed; conned; stranded at the airport; forced to beg for money; picked up by a tranny; ripped off by fast-dealing money changers; snorkelling and lost my home apartment keys; sucked out to sea by rip tides; debilitatingly sunburned; confined to my hotel bathroom because of Bali Belly, Dengue Fever, West Nile disease, diarrhea, malaria or whatever; in the airport watching my plane take off ripping up my non-refundable ticket; air sick; hustled at pool; lost countless times, but sooooo many things can happen to a person while on a trip! That's why I keep going. Still no plane crashes or shark attacks. But my traveling days have just begun.

THIS time the troubles are starting before the trip. I guess since I didn't go on a trip during the last school break my travel curse has been dormant too long and is raring to erupt.

I have reservations to go to Bangkok on the 20th of July. I haven't paid for the ticket yet because I have been waiting for news on my passport. You see, my passport expires in November and customs officials "have the right to refuse service to you if you have less than 6 months remaining on your passport." What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

EVERYTHING about passports and customs and all things to do with them, (especially in Asia), are governed by hard, fast, written in stone rules. You know that if, (like me), your key chain is a tiny Swiss Army knife you forgot to put in your luggage, or like the lady who told the customs official that in her bag she had some knitting needles, yarn and a giant Afghan and was strip searched before she could explain.

Just look at the Canadian passport application someday. Photos must have neutral expression, have natural skin tones, chin to crown of head 31 mm. to 36 mm., no shadows, no hats, no texturing, have the name of photographer on the back and date taken, not date developed, and one must be signed by the guarantor indicating that the pic is a good likeness of the person they know as the above signed.

The guarantor! He/she must be easily contacted, have known you for 2 years, live within the juris diction of the issuing office, be notarizing your application for free, and be a doctor, lawyer or officer of the law, banker or politician because everyone knows these professions are chock-o-block full of the most veracious, ethical and unimpeachably honest citizens of any country. PPPPpbbbbbbbtttttthhhhhhbbbtttt!!! They might just as well ask you to get your application notarized by a car salesman, professional wrestler or a hagwon boss.

You must provide proof of citizenship, (I mean aside from the passport that is good enough proof of citizenship to every OTHER country in the world, (and which you had to provide plenty of proof of citizenship to get like birth certificate, SIN number, driver's license etc.)), like birth certificate, SIN number, driver's license etc.

BUT if you have less than 6 months left on your passport, the agent has full discretion. MAYBE he/she will pass you, or MAYBE he/she won't. This is the only thing about passports, customs etc. with any flexibility at all and it's obviously been perpetuated by customs officials for one reason: bribes. Don't kid yourself, you can't get into some countries without bribing customs officers.

And if they would just be clear about things like they are in Lonely Planet guides to places like Cambodia or Viet Nam and say the customs officials will expect a bribe of around... yada yada yada that would be cool. But I'm here thinking maybe they won't accept a bribe. Maybe I won't be able to go at all. Maybe I'll pay 800 bucks for tickets and not be able to fly to Thailand at all.

This is my kind of trip! Drama even BEFORE the get go!

But good news! Passport Canada is implementing a new "Simplified Passport Renewal Program". The program includes a shorter application form, no supplementary identification or proof of citizenship, and (halleluiah!), no friggin guarantor!

I was so excited when I read this! But it starts August 15th. And the criteria exclude anyone who has resided outside Canada on their previous passport. Basically it's for people who wanna go to the States.

HOWEVER, I also read on the Passport Canada webpage that there is a new guarantor policy! Yay, yippee, yahoo.com! Under the new rules a guarantor may be any passport holder. Even a relative or someone who lives with you! Boy was I relieved to read that! Cuz I was thinking pretty hard about who I could use as a guarantor here in Korea.

But then, I read, "Effective Oct. 1, 2007."

See what I mean? This is really sucking right now but I'm sure I'll get a kick out of this when I recall it someday.

So I HAVE thought of one possible guarantor. A doctor friend of mine here in Korea. I WILL have to make a 5 hour trip to get his autograph on the back of one of my photos but if I can do that, fill out the rest of the application, dig up my birth certificate, find a couple friends who are willing to be character references, find a Korean photographer who can a) understand the photo rules and b) perform his duties properly and get to the Canadian Embassy in Seoul between 8 and 11 am, I MIGHT be able to get a temporary passport. I think this might be more dependable at customs than my old passport.

However, I have a week and two days before my flight and the temporary passport takes a week...if there are no delays. I work for the next two days from noon to 3.

And, oh yeah, one more thing, (remember this is ME here!), the Canadian Embassy in Seoul is moving soon. They're closed from the 20th to the 23rd after which they will be operating out of their new office in Jeong dong, Jung gu, and not the old office at Mugyo dong, Jung gu. I just KNOW they are in the process of moving now and won't be operating at normal speed. Or if by some miracle I make it to their office with all my documents they will have already moved the passport lamination machine or the official seal of the Consular General or some damn thing. And who knows WHAT will happen with the move?

My timing is absolutely uncanny isn't it? So basically I'm fucked for getting a new passport, temporary passport, or passport extension. But I am giving serious consideration to the prospect of making a really great future blog entry and just trying to get to Thailand on my old passport. Given my travel record it's a ridiculous risk to take but this has the makings of a heck of a travel story!

Anybody know anything about foreign extradition?

STILL not finished. I briefly considered just traveling to Canada so I can get a passport in Vancouver. Surely they'd let me out of Korea and into my new country to do that! Last passport I got 5 years ago I went to the notary public across the streeet from the Vancouver passport office. He hadn't known me for 2 minutes never mind two years, and didn't do it for free but was able to be my guarantor anyway. That guarantor rule is so stupid! Then I paid extra money to have the passport done as soon as possible and got it the same day.

BUT, (again timing), since Canadians now have to have passports to get into the States, (a new rule cuz they don't want us spending too many of our strong dollars there), there are tremendous line-ups and backlogs at the passport offices. I've been reading posts about offices in Vancouver. People waiting in the rain in lines where there were 150 people in front of them OUTSIDE the office. Waiting 11 weeks for a rushed passport. It would be more expensive and slower to do this in Canada.

So it looks very much like the only choice I have is to cancel my reservations, get my temporary passport sometime in August, (if I can find the new embassy and if their schedule is not delayed), and spend maybe 2 weeks in Thailand instead of a month.

Still I guess it beats spending my entire 6 weeks of vacation time in tropical, hedonistic, exotic, action central, South Korea? It's bad enough I'll probly have to waste 4 weeks of it here farting around with my new passport. And even with the price of a ticket, golfing in Thailand is cheaper than downtime in Korea for me. Simply because golf, beer, and whatever else I will do here in Korea will be like 5x the price.

Updates will follow as events warrant.

The Canadian dollar is going through the roof! It's at the highest point I've ever seen it. I'm quite pleased that I sent money home 20 cents ago. I actually made myself a little bit of a profit.

But the economists were wary! They were warning Canada not to let the dollar get too strong. I didn't hear details about what disastrous occurances might be the results but they all seemed to think we'd piss off Americans. Well now the results are trickling in. We take away their cross-border shopping bonanzas and this is the type of thing they do! Fiends!

Oh sorry. That "this" was supposed to be a link but as I type this the homerun derby is underway at the MLB All Star Game. I tried to join a contest where you pick the winners of each round. First you rank the ten players from first to 10th. Then you predict the total homeruns from the first round. Then you predict the homeruns from all rounds combined. Then you fill out a form with all your information on it. Name, address, phone number, email etc. If you get all predictions correct, you win 10,000 of those weak American dollars. Hee hee hee.

But when I pressed the "enter" key a message came up that read, "Sorry, only real phone numbers accepted."

I am so offended! Because I typed in a Canadian phone number it's not REAL??? So by extension Canadians aren't REAL!!??? Oh you just wait MLB.com... Give us a few more months and with our strong dollar we'll have major league teams in Nunavut and Saskatchewan!!!

Why, I'm so outraged I hope Justin Morneau kicks everybody's asses in the homerun contest. He's Canadian you know. From New Westminster.

Oh and by the way, the title of this entry was supposed to be "Go Justin Go" but I can't put titles on my blog entries any more. Probly another of the prices we Canadians pay for our strong dollar. Sigh.

You can't see that can you? Aww crap! Oh well. We're doing a chapter on abnormal psychology in my class right now. We did this today. It was a really funny psych. test I give my students every now and then. All it is is a bunch of really simple squares with shapes inside. The first one is a square with a circle in the upper left corner, the second has a circle in the bottom left, the third has a circle in the middle etc. I get the kids to encorporate the shapes into some kind of drawing then write an adjective below the pics. Each square has a meaning. You can't really see it but in the third square she drew a pic of me, (a flatteringly thin and hairy me), and wrote the word "nice". I know it's just a ploy to get extra marks but it worked! This girl is passing MY class! That square meant how other people see you. (The student who did this).

Then in the last square she drew a girl throwing some trash into a garbage can and wrote the word "dirty". That square means your feelings after having sex for the first time. Ha ha ha.

Square #5 she drew some lovers and wrote "lovely". This represents her feelings about death. It's a great exercise. I've been doing it for years and the student always love it. I think I got it from back in the days when I worked with Heather at Pagoda Hagwon. Do you remember this lesson Heath?

Then there was THIS one!!! Holy cow! The student who did this is one of the, umm most unique guys I've ever taught too. The two squares at the bottom that he joined represent his feelings after the first time having sex and his relationship with his loved one. He wrote, (incorrectly), "life a tunnel". Ha ha ha. And the door to that tunnel on which he wrote "life moon, (door in Korean), choise open cloes" That is supposed to represent something he gives his friends. LMFAO!!! I hope I'm not his friend cuz I don't want to be invited into the door to his loved one's sexual tunnel.

It's too bad you can't read the other ones too. Hilarious! Then to make things even more funny he comes to me after they got into groups and compared psych. tests and says, "I losing my face. Before test normal. Now psycho." That meant he lost face. Students used to think he was normal but not any more. Don't worry though, nobody thought he was normal before. But I told him not to worry. Normal is boring. I think he's still worried.

It's amazing how accurate this lesson is. And always fun. You want it? Lemme know.

S.S.S.

You know how some people say they think better when they run? I personally can't imagine any reason why a person would think of anything while running but stopping the self-inflicted torture, but I guess if you think clearly while running, it might be worth it. I would still try everything else I could before I resigned myself to THAT deal though. Having to run to get some mental lucidity. However, I like walking and have had some good thinks while I'm on my evening or late night fitness walks. I go in the evening or late night when it's cooler and there are fewer people although lately it hasn't been very cool at night. I've done my walk in the rain a few times and enjoyed that immensely but even though it is officially Monsoon season here, I need to exercise a bit more often than when it rains. I guess if I ran only in the rain it might suffice but that's out of the question.

I absolutely hate running, but I DO see the value of a setting where thought comes effortlessly. I have started a new summer course that requires me to ride the Seoul Subway System for a couple hours every day. In the beginning it was similar to running in that the thought of making it stop tended to pervade. But I have started getting used to the ride. In fact I am almost to the point where I can enjoy it. Well, maybe that's an overstatement but I DO have some good thinks on the subway. And that almost makes it worth it.

I live in what Koreans refer to as the "country". There are high rise apartment buildings, deparment stores, and a subway here but there are also rice fields and farms. I smell cow shit almost every morning because we have a Seoul Milk cow farm across the street from us. Right above the beginning of the walking track.

I suppose this might be the reason I like the subway more than expected. "Country" folk are sometimes quite interesting to observe. And when I have something entertaining to watch, I forget how badly I want to get off the germ infested, sweaty, cramped, cattle car I'm in. But it's not just the country folk I'm watching. It's everyone.

The Yangju stop on the subway is called Deok Jeong, as you may know if you read about my pizza delivery adventures. It is almost the beginning, (or end), of Seoul Subway System line 1. Line 1 is the longest and probably the most used line of the S.S.S. I am quite pleased to tell you that Yangju is far enough outside the city of Seoul that when I get on at Yangju there is usually a seat where I can sit. Except at rush hour, (like 7-9 in the morning). Unfortunately, I work far enough into the city that I usually have to stand at the beginning of my commute home. However, about half way home I usually get a seat.

The subway is quite a miraculous device really. It should not, but is, be taken for granted. I often find myself thinking that the rapid starts and stops it makes HAVE to involve rubber or some sticky material but it's metal wheels on metal tracks. Almost miraculous. And I am quite thankful for the rapid starts and stops because they are responsible for the left and rights of what I call the Seoul Subway System somnambulant sway. It's the ballet performed by my fellow passengers every day that is one of the great sources of my entertainment.

I am sure it's possible in cities around the world where they have subways to board a car and find everyone awake. I will give you my first born child if you can do this in any subway in Korea. Or any bus for that matter. Public transit is just nap time to Koreans.

I started writing this in the morning before work. But I'll just tell you what happened today on the subway. Just today. Today's commute provided more than enough to show what I mean when I say the subway is entertaining.

Deok Jeong Station has only been in operation since the beginning of this year. Around the time when it opened Yangju city planners rerouted all local buses to coincide with subways. Exactly. So if I want to catch the best subway for me, (at 10:51), I can take a bus that will get me to the Deok Jeong station bus stop at 10:51. Of course it takes 3-5 minutes to get from the bus stop to the platform. This leaves bus passengers just enough time to reach the platform and see the shrinking tail lights of their train. So every morning I take the bus that comes just in time for me to see the shrinking tail lights of the subway before mine at 10:30. Many people have not caught on to this trick and it is always a source of sinister pleasure for me to see 20 or 30 people, who can see their train pulling into the station from the road below, panic and shift into survival of the fittest mode pushing, shoving, yelling, running, cutting in front of the old, very young and the slow, waving arms, screaming "Ajashee! Ajashee!" in hopes the subway driver will hear them as he starts leaving the station and stop the train for them. But he never does. And the 20 or 30 people have to wait for the next train. With me. Only my dignity remains intact. Heh heh heh.

This morning I got off the bus and leisurely walked to the station as people cursed me for being one of the slow. An obstacle that shaved seconds off their sprint to catch the uncatchable train. Then as I got to the top of the escalator to the platform I could see their dejected looks as they checked their watches and realized they would have to wait another 21 minutes for the next subway. They sometimes glare at me as I casually walk by them. Perhaps blaming me, not the city planners, bus drivers, subway driver, people who pushed them out of the way, for their sorrows. But it's worth it.

When I got on the subway today I was surprised to see three short-haired white guys sitting at the opposite end of my car. They were quite obviously U.S. soldiers and judging by their conversation and accents, they were from the south. They were talking a bit loudly but since none of the Koreans were talking at all it made it seem louder than it actually was. Their conversation topic was quite technical. They talked about two stroke and four stroke engines, engine parts, muscle cars, NASCAR, pit crews, helicopter mechanics, retirement plans, how much time they had left in the service, and things like that. Toward the end their conversation deteriorated. They made fun of the subway stop called Shinimoon, which sounds a lot like "shitty moon" when it's announced. Then the guy who was chewing tobacco and spitting it into a bottle, (no kidding), gave the guy beside him a purple nurple and they started play fighting a bit and then started questioning each other's sexual preferences.

Long before the subject degenerated so, a Korean sitting about 5 seats down from me got up quickly and rattled off a long, angry string of Korean while storming past the soldiers and throught the doors into the next car. I only recognized a few words he said. A couple times he said "Korea", once or twice "Virginia" (?), and one or two of his words were bad words. Perhaps his midmorning nap was spoiled by the soldiers' talking? Although there are usually plenty of loud talking Koreans on the subway and they wake up exactly nobody. Perhaps he was envious of the soldiers' English proficiency? Maybe he had spent lots of time and money trying to become fluent in English but couldn't? I just can't imagine why he stormed out! ????

The REALLY entertaining part was after the angry guy's exit. All the people in my car, except the soldiers, got out their expressionless masks and slapped them on. It was like an invisible emotion thief had hit our car. Nobody felt confused, shocked, surprised, angry, apologetic, empathetic, the only thing close to an emotion I could see was fatigue. But I wasn't really surprised. I'll explain why.

If you get on the subway at 8 am or 6 pm just about anywhere in Seoul you will see entire carloads of people practicing this apathetic expression. Because the subways are PACKED! People who are sitting down have their faces pretty much at crotch level of the people who are standing directly in front of them. People who are standing are rubbing pubic areas and asses with each other. Sometimes face to face! You don't ride the train together, you have a relationship with the person closest to you. There are a few remedies to the crippling awkwardness that results from a jam packed subway car: 1. Read the paper. Or at least make it look like you are more concerned with what the most popular K-pop singers are wearing these days than who is below you nuzzling your goodies. There are a few free "papers" that are like entertainment news here in Korea. You can always find some on the subway or in stands at subway stations. 2. Sleep. Or at least make it look like you are more interested in catching some Z's than whose hand that was ever-so-slowly brushing against your tit. 3. The good old 1000 mile stare. Why make it look like you are not feeling any emotions when you can make it look like you HAVE no emotions? 4. Think. This can be done with or without an mp3 player. I usually only use my mp3 player on my walks. Except the rain walks. But I am glad for the ability to just lose myself in thought on the subway. Particularly when it gets a bit too crowded.

Often though, my thinking tends to be about what happens on the subway. For instance I saw the usual complement of salespeople today. I saw a lady selling the head/wristbands I wrote about in a previous entry to this blog. That blog entry was brought on by a subway think. I saw a guy selling cellphone holders. I saw a lady selling pleather bound plan booklets, (one of which I already purchased). I saw umbrellas, beachmats, and my favourite, the lady selling the camouflage raincoats. Since it was rainy today she probably did brisk business. The reason I like these ladies so much is because they all have the identical sales pitch and right near the end they grasp the coat by two corners and snap it not once, not twice but thrice. I've seen the pitch so often I look forward to the BAM BAM BAM! I think I may start giving them a round of applause at the snapping part. You know like when we used to wait for Arnold to say, "Whatchutalkinaboutwillis?" Or at the theater when the intermission weiner finally jumps into the bun. That kind of applause.

I also like the fact that the coats are "freesize". They say that in the spiel too. Now I used to think that something either fit, was too big or was too small, but these ladies have opened my eyes to "freesize". I'll show them "freesize" Let me try one of those babies on. I guaran damn tee the hood will rip before it'll fit over my huge melon and snap the coat as much as you want but if the bottom button will fasten over my beer gut I WILL buy one! If I could speak Korean I'd say, "Okay, if it's not my size is it free?" But then I'd never see them again and I'd miss that BAM BAM BAM!

I followed a girl out of the University subway station today and couldn't help having a think about what she was wearing. She had on a pretty stylish miniskirt and top. Even her leapard umbrella was very shique. But she was wearing heels without the heelstrap fastened. Later in the day I noticed this on a few more girls. A new fashion statement perhaps. But I watched her wobbling down the street in front of me. I guess I should point out that there is no such thing as a level walking surface in Korea. How girls can wear heels at the best of times here baffles me. But she did have rather attractively polka dotted bottoms on her shoes. When I say "bottom" I don't mean the part that hits the ground, I mean the part that comes in contact with the foot. Maybe she wanted to show these off. I don't know. She's probably in the hospital with a broken ankle now.

I saw a girl this morning decked out in a beautiful array of expensive looking knockoff shoes, handbag, skirt, top, jewelry etc. Her hair was permed and perfect. She was very good looking. She had an anorexically attractive body. Her make-up was just ever so! She had probably just put it on. I almost always see girls applying make-up on the subway. Very common. Anyway this girl is probably the super high maintainence, conservative, prim and proper until you give me a rock kind of girl who has her boyfriend(s) jumping through hoops for her. The envy of all her girlfriends. And she was doing the somnambulant sway. Her mouth was wide open. Flies could have flown in and out. In fact, (and I'm not lying, I saw this today), she was forming words in her sleep. No sound was escaping her mouth but it was moving up and down. And she was oscillating left and right according to the stops and starts of the train. She had the end seat so when she went to her left she was okay but the person to her right, a lady I'd guess in her mid 40's was getting a facefull of perfectly poodle permed hair on every stop and trying her best to maintain the thousand mile stare while surreptitiously nudging this babe back into an upright position. It was priceless!

I saw an old Korean guy speaking English to a trio of Filipinas and asking the questions I was thankful he didn't ask me: Where are you from. Where are you going. How old are you? Are you married? Do you have any kids? Why only one kid? etc.

This was all in ONE day folks! I haven't even told you about people spitting on each other, calling security, drunks leaving bodily fluids behind, girlfriends popping boyfriends' zits, ridiculous, (and sometmes sexually suggestive), English on bags and t-shirts, religious zealots, beggars... I have so many stories! And I've probably missed even more while I was deep in thought.

That's the good old S.S.S. One of the solid pleasures of my day. It rarely disappoints.

Hong Date

Saturday, June 23rd, 2007 was Hong Date. I had a date friends and neighbours. In Hong Dae, an area of Seoul where lots of young, hip people like to hang out. So what was I doing there? Visiting one of my young, hip friends. April.

Okay, so it wasn't really a date. April is just a friend. I am old enough to have been her babysitter at one time. But we sure had fun together! I enjoyed it because I can speak English to April just like a foreigner. She lived in Florida for a couple years. So she's pretty fluent. She likes the slang and bad words too. In fact she swears like a sailor. But in a cute way. Well look at the picture. It's hard for her to do anything that isn't cute. Imagine her dropping F bombs every sentence. I think it's adorable because she looks like the last person who would talk that way. That's April on the left talking on the phone and Yong Ah on the right.

She only said one thing during the night that I misunderstood. She was talking about how she put on weight when she was in the States. Yeah, like she ballooned to 50 kilos or something. But she told me she had a J-Lo butt. I thought she said, "Jailor butt." And I WAS a jailor for a while. So I go into this long explanation about how none of the jailors I worked with had big butts. In fact MY butt was a lot smaller when I worked at the jail. I probably had the biggest butt of all the jailors there. But(t) she said J-Lo butt again and THIS time I understood.

We went to Outback Steakhouse and had a really nice dinner. Her friend Young Ah came along after we had ordered. She just had a few tastes of what we were eating. She was very polite while me and April spoke in English. I don't know how much of it she understood but she laughed in the right places sometimes and reacted correctly sometimes. And April translated some things to her. But she didn't say much.

After a long chat at Outback we wandered around Hong Dae. It's very modern and has some really interesting stores, restaurants and bars. We went into one store that I was quite surprised to see. It was a condom store. In Korea! There were all kinds of condoms in there. Coloured condoms, condoms in nutshells, Pikachu condoms, measuring condoms with a ruler drawn onto them, condoms with lumps on them and the vibrating condom believe it or not. I actually bought one of those. Can't wait to try it out. I was gonna take a picture of the condom store but I forgot. Oh well. I WILL go back there again. Hee hee.

We went into a piercing store. Not a popular place here I imagine. We saw some really trendy boutiques and lots of neon lit bars. My favourite was the Luxury Ho Bar. In fact there are a few Ho Bars. I guess Hos are good business here.

We went into April's favourite bar called Tin Pan Alley. They played only dance and hip hop music. I didn't like most of it. But I DID like the selection of beer they had. I even found a Canadian beer I hadn't had for a while: Moosehead. And wouldn't you know it, I ripped the label clean off. Still a virgin!

April, Young Ah and their friend DK (or something like that) started dancing. So I went to I Tae Won. I knew I could go to the Old Stompers club and hear some REAL music being played by Lance, Dwayne, Dave and Meagan. They did NOT disappoint. So I drank all night and took the subway home at 7 am. It sucks having to do that but I have no choice unless I want to go home at 10 pm when the action is just starting. But I had been working like a slave tallying up the marks for my students. It takes me forever to do that but it's all done now. I just have to plug them into the computer. I started my summer course today. Should be a snap! But I can almost taste the Singha beer and smell the sea air of Pattaya beach. And the fresh cut grass of the golf courses there. I'm already on vacation. In my mind.

Why I Can't Speak Korean

Many people ask me how I could have been in Korea for as long as I have, (about 7 years), and still not be able to speak the language. Oh I can speak taxi and restaurant. I can say enough to a girl at a pick-up bar to get my face slapped. But I really can't speak Korean. I am not alone. I know half a dozen people who've taught English in China. All of them have been there for less than 2 years and speak Chinese much better than I speak Korean. I have known several people who've taught in Japan and most of them speak the language. It seems to me that most people who go to Japan or China pick up the language fairly easily. But I've known only a few who have picked up Korean. The majority of us who spend time here in Korea, for some reason or another, or a combination of many, just don't learn the language. I stayed in Japan for 3 months and learned more Japanese than I have Korean in the 7 years I've been here. If that sentence made any sense. If I give you my list of reasons it'll sound like racism or sour grapes. So I'll illustrate one of the reasons for you.

Today I went to pay rent. I pay monthly. When I finished I said to the couple who are the collectors for my landlord, "Tal maen weol manayo." Tal maen means next, weol means month and manayo means see you. Tashi manayo means see you again. Tashi means again. Ask any Korean what these words mean individually and they'll tell you. But say "Tal men weol manayo" to them and you get looked at like you are a blathering idiot. Much like the couple did to me today.

The couple who I pay rent to is very nice. The husband speaks English pretty well and they have helped me on numerous occasions like when my gas was turned off or when I tried to negotiate for a new air conditioner. They are not dumb or mentally handicapped in any obvious ways. But neither of them had the slightest idea what I meant even though individually they knew what each word meant. This is a phenomenon I have only experienced in Korea. In every other country I've gone to if you say something a little incorrect they can usually figure out what you are trying to say. Not here.

So I had to say in English "See you next month." Then the guy translated for me, "Daeum dal manayo." And I think there might have been an indicator thrown haphazardly in there. As usual.

I looked up Daeum and dal in the dictionary. They mean next and month. But when I said tal maen the guy immediately said, "Next," and when I said weol he immediately said, "Month." The individual words in the two sentences have identical meanings. It would be like someone saying in English, "See you after the following 30-day period." Not many people would say that in English but I don't know any moron who wouldn't understand it.

It just gets incredibly frustrating! When I learned something in Japanese I would say it to someone and it would be understood. If it was a sentence structure I could substitute words and it would be understood. You can't do this in Korean. It's almost like they have separate sentences and separate words for every single occasion in life. No interchange is possible. I can't tell you how many times I've learned some Korean phrase only to be met with the thousand mile stare when I say it to a Korean.

I'll give you an even more incredible example and believe it or not this REALLY did happen to me. I was getting copies made at school. I needed 10 copies. Korean has many different terms that mean "piece" or "unit" of something. They are different depending on shape. Just one of many examples of totally unnecessary difficulties in the language. The word for a flat sheet of something, (like paper), is jang. So I said to the copy room woman, "Ship jang jusayo." Thousand mile stare. I thought she didn't hear me so I said it again. Still no sign of comprehension. I was absolutely positive that ship is 10 and jusayo is "give me" but I was leary of the jang. I shouldn't have been because I had used it for getting copies before and it had been understood. But from person to person in this country you just never know what they'll understand. Another reason why trying to learn the language is like banging your head against the wall.

So I pointed at the paper I wanted copied and said, "Ship," put the paper down, held up 10 fingers, showed her some money and said, "Jusayo." She started to panic. She looked all around for the guy that's usually there who usually does the copying for us foreigners. He was not there. She looked like if she could she would have pulled out a cyanide pill and swallowed it. Luckily there was another student there with a bit of sense who said to her, "Yeol jang! Yeol jang!"

Another unnecessary complication in the Korean language is the numbers. They use different numbers for different occasions. There is no pattern at all. So I was supposed to have used the word "yeol" for the number 10 instead of the word "ship". "Ship" is from the Chinese-ish number system they use here and "yeol" is a more Korean system of numbers. I've since been told that you use the Korean numbers up to 20 and then switch to the Chinese ones. For photocopies that is. For other things the rule may not apply. So I guess the other times I had used "jang" effectively I had been getting more than 20 copies. But still, imagine someone asked you this: "Please give me tenth copies." Do you think you might be able to understand them??? Good God!

It's not just the language that makes it so hard for people to pick up Korean. There are all kinds of extra, (again unnecessary), indicators in Korean like reul, eul, gay etc. They don't add any meaning to the sentences usually, just difficulty. Even if you miss one of these the listener will often just give up trying to figure out what the hell you are saying. The Korean people, (in general), are the absolute worst you can imagine for dealing with beginners at their language.

There now I'm sounding all racist. I can't help it, it's just a fact. If you want to learn Korean, learn it from a young kid or someone who is NOT Korean. They don't really know how they speak. And they REALLY don't know how to teach. Generally.

In Japan there are tons of very good books on the language. In Korea there are none.

I have seriously considered going to a kindergarten full time and learning with the kids there. I'm still dead serious about doing that. I think that would be the best bang for my buck as far as learning this language. But I really doubt I'll do that. So I doubt I'm ever going to learn Korean.

I could go on and on giving individual examples of how things like the situations above have repetitively shot down any attempts I've made at learning Korean. But it just wears me out thinking about it. And when new friends, acquaintences and students ask why I haven't learned I just can't tell them the truth. I usually just say that their language is hard. I don't say it's ridiculously hard and the people just make it harder.

Actually that's not true. I HAVE said this to several of my Korean friends and they've agreed with me. Now I guess I could just refer them to this website. Blogs are excellent!

Bye Bye Bob

And the Dick Clark award for guys who no longer make us feel young goes to Robert W. Barker. But he deserves to retire. He's only been at it 35 years or so. He started the Price is Right in 1972. And he started Truth or Consequences in 1956. So he's been in Television for 50 years. I can give him a break.

I think retirement's gonna be tough for Bob. It's gotta be tough to stop doing what you've been doing for 50 years. He'll have to try to find ways to ease out of the Price is Right routine. Like asking clerks at places where he buys his groceries, hair dye, Viagra etc. to total up his bill and say, "The actual retail price is...!" Or randomly stopping people on the street to try to guess how much loose change they have on their person. Or maybe every week he'll have to go out and buy A NEW CAR!

But there will be change. It's inevitable. Instead of banging Barker's beauties he'll have to settle for playing bingo with them at the old age home. Not HIS old age home, THEIRS. Or maybe he'll just have himself spayed or newtered.

All joking aside, I downloaded the last Price is Right and watched it. The first prize up for bids was a big screen TV and they had one of Bob's original Price is Rights playing on it. Today's Bob looked just as good. Maybe better! Old Bob was chunkier and not as happy looking. Of course he's happy. What a life he's lead!

So the question that now has to be asked is who will replace him? Who can walk out onto the Price is Right stage without feeling like a total phony? Just a replacement. Like when Adam Sandler guest hosted for David Letterman. Ugh! I like Sandler, don't get me wrong, but that was painful to watch.

And Letterman isn't getting any younger either. Feb. 1, 1982 Dave started. A little trivia, Bill Murray was his first guest. He used to be a weatherman for WTHR out of Indanapolis. Dave, not Bill. So before silly stunts like the guy who recently jumped over a NYC taxi cab, he always gives the weather. Wind from the southeast at 2 km/h and visibility is virtually unlimited. And when an audience member told Dave he lived just south of Seattle, Letterman commented that the weather there was highly affected by the Humboldt current or some damn thing. Monday's episode is number 2773. The show has received 67 Emmy nominations and they've won 12 times. But he's still miles behind old Bobby.

Bob Barker has taped 6482 episodes of The Price is Right. 3524 episodes of Truth or Consequences. That's a staggering 10,006 episodes of TV! It's estimated that he's given out over 200 million bucks worth of cash and prizes to the contestants who have come closest to the actual retail price without going over. He has won 19 Emmies. He has kicked Adam Sandler's ass. He's in the Guinness Book of World Records as the most generous and most durable TV performer. And these are just his accomplishments OUTSIDE the bedroom! Bob Barker is a stud. Period.

So who should replace him? I've read that George Hamilton's name has been suggested. I guess because he's tall, tan and kinda looks like Bob. But how many good years does George have left?

Jerry Seinfeld is mentioned when ANY host looks to be retiring. Leave Jerry alone. He's a gozillionaire and he made one of the best sitcoms ever. No matter how well he hosts a show it'll seem like a hobby for him.

I think a good host might be Rosie O'Donnell. She DID have a talk show but I think she's better suited for a game show. She says she'd love to do it. Donald Trump would never be allowed to come on down but he has no idea what things cost anyway.

Or how about Frank Caliendo? He could DO Bob Barker better than Bob!

Speaking of Frank Caliendo, how about John Madden? That would be great! He's got white hair and a tan like Bob. And he could use the telestrater to explain the games.

Whoever they pick to fill Bob's, (or Dave's), shoes, I wouldn't give the new host's problems to a monkey on a rock!

Optimistic me

Well it's the end of the term here. Next week is exam time. If it's anything like previous years it'll be heaps of fun trying to figure out how to mark people and post the marks on a ridiculously complicated online system. But who knows, it might be less of a hassle than expected. See? See? I can still think positively! Even though that's always what ends up getting me into trouble.

A brief example. Tonight I had the cavalier shortsightedness to pick up the phone and order pizza instead of saving myself some money and a headache and going with the pick-up option. Why I EVER do that is a mystery to me. Because if the run of the mill garden variety Korean can't understand me when I am speaking perfect Korean with bang on pronunciation slanged up and slurred like I've been speaking it my whole life, how could I ever expect the guy who answers the phone at Dominoes to know what I'm saying? Positive thinking.

So the guy answers with the hello Dominoes Pizza greeting and I start ordering a large super supreme pizza. I said, " Yoposayo, lah ji Super Supreme Pizza ju sayo." Unfortunately in Korea it's not Super Supreme it's shyoo puh shyoo peu leem. The guy on the phone is no rocket scientist. He probably thinks Dominoes is Korean and shyoo puh shyoo peu leem is a clever Korean title for a pizza. I didn't use the Korean massacring of "Super Supreme" even though I DID say "lah ji" in stead of "large". Predictably his answer was, "Ye?"

"Ye" and "Ne" can both be used for "yes" and with interogative intonation as "what?" I have a habit of saying "yup" in English. It's got a bit of an upward intonation that causes great confusion when I transfer it into the Korean language. As you will see.

So I do the Koreanization of the pizza title. He understands. I wish I could record a call like this sometime for classroom purposes. My students and Korean friends are always telling me how "scientific" the Korean alphabet is. Nobody knows exactly what the hell that means including the parrots who say it, but part of it is the idea that any word from any language can be written using Korean characters. When I disagree and tell them it needs to be written and understood they always tell me they can understand it. Which is a total lie. It's why Koreans write new second language vocabulary in Korean characters and it's why every single person has identical pronunciation problems and it's not gonna change very soon. Job security for me! See? See?

Back to the pizza. He asks in Korean where I live. No, I don't know how to ask the question myself but I have logic on my side, (something I can't say for the guy on the other end of the phone), and I know he's gonna ask me where I live so the delivery driver can find me. So I start saying my address in Korean. I've said it many times before, I know how to say it, my pronunciation is fine and we have a good telephone connection but he just can't seem to understand me. I tell him, "Weon Cheong Men syon, B dong, sam baek sam ho." That means Weon Cheong Mansion B unit, room 303. He asks me if I'm in Deok Jeong. I live in Yangju and almost the entire city is Deok Jeong. The subway stop is named Deok Jeong. The high school and middle schools are named Deok Jeong. All the big apartments are Deok Jeong. The Dominos Pizza is in Deok Jeong about a 5 minute walk from my house. There are no other Weon Cheong Mansions anywhere. The guy has made 20 pizzas for me before and probably recognizes my voice. They have delivered umpteen dozen pizzas to Weong Cheong Mansion B dong and know exactly where it is. I am one of maybe three English speaking males in the area. I've seen the phone at the store, it has call display and they know who it is calling if you've called once before like every other Dominos Pizza in the whole fucking world but this guy just had to know if I was in Deok Jeong. Store policy to ask the neighbourhood I suppose. You wanna see the meaning of do as you're told? Give a Korean a rule.

So I say, "Deok Jeong. Ye." Only he hears my "ye." as "ye?" So he asks me back, "Ye?" I am briefly confused by his confusion and pause to ponder whether he doesn't understand me, if he's asking me whether or not I just said ye, whether he's never heard of Deok Jeong or what the problem could possibly be. And I was trying to think of the sub-neighbourhood to clarify WAY beyond what is necessary to get a pizza delivered. It took me 2.5 seconds to remember that I live in sah dan ji. That's 4, um, dan ji. I dunno what that means. Because Korea doesn't really have street names and their houses don't really have numbers they have a system of ever decreasing sized areas that are used to narrow down addresses rather than actually pinpoint them. Mail carriers and delivery people have to be geniuses. Anyway it didn't come to me instantly and I had to think. Fatal mistake. Another rule Koreans follow is the telephone pause rule. If you are not instantaneous in your answers, despite the fact that you are obviously a foreigner struggling with a very difficult language, they hit you with "yoposeyo?" This means "hello" but it is like "game over" on a video game. You have to start back at the beginning again.

So I sigh heavily and say my address and my order again in impeccable Korean. He understands and superfluously asks again if I'm in Deok Jeong and I say "ye" and drop waaaay down to a Johnny Cash baritone. He understands.

Now Koreans are still having a tough time getting foreign food. It's much better than when I first got here but there are still a lot of people who put odd toppings on pizzas, burgers. sandwiches and such. I've seen, and eaten, some whacky stuff. On pizza I've seen squid, boiled eggs, kimchi, ketchup, broccoli, mayo, mustard, sweet potato, cabbage, peas and the list goes on. They have all those extras but I defy you to get bacon. I miss bacon on pizza. Then there's the ubiquitous corn topping. A majority of pizzas here include it. I don't like it but often don't have the energy to ask them to hold the corn. It's much easier to just pick it off. But on this occasion I had to try. "Ok soo soo eopsoyo," I said. That means "no corn". Predictably he says,"Ye?" So I try a different angle of approach. "Ok soo soo peeri eopsoyo," I said. This means "I don't need corn." He says, "Ye?" Then he says, "Can you speak English?"

I know who this guy on the phone is. I know he speaks English pretty well. I've talked to him while waiting for my pizza several times. He knows who it is calling for a pizza. So I start coming unglued,"YES, I speak English. Do you speak Korean?" Predictably his answer is, "Ye?" "Ok soo soo!" I say voluminously. "Ok soo soo! Corn! Anyo! No! Eopsoyo! None!" The dime, (or hundred won coin), drops. "Oh, weed out cone." he says. "Yes! Without corn."

So now we're speaking English, which we could have done from the beginning. He recites my order and address in English only he says, and by this point I'm starting to think I might be a victim of one of the Korean Jerky Boys, "WEED CONE!"

"NO!" I yell at the phone, "WEED OUT CONE! WEED OUT CONE!"

"Ye ye ye. So dee so dee. Weed out cone. " he says.

So I finally did get my pizza. But next time I'll just go pick it up. That way I get a bit of exercise walking to Dominos. And if I'm ever too lazy to go I'll just choose to eat something else. Probably something more healthy. So ordering pizza on the phone is a pain in the ass but it's sort of a good thing that it is. Wow, look at me go! Positive thinking up a storm.

In other news, I signed a new one-year lease on my house conditional upon the landlord replacing my air conditioner, which is above my computer and leaks like a seive. A few weeks ago a guy came to try to repair it. The third time it has been looked at. This time I couldn't get it to leak. He said that he needed to see it leak before he could fix the problem. I can't understand why a guy who knew what he was doing couldn't just check the possible problems one at a time and find the problem without seeing the leak. But then again, like the first couple of guys, this guy probably wasn't actually a repairman. It's really getting hot here too. So yesterday I went to the grocery store and bought a shower hose and rigged it to my air conditioner so that the water will drip into a rig that kinda looks like an I.V. and then drain out my window. It was on for a couple hours today. Never leaked a drop. Go figure.

You can even see this blog entry on the pic if you look closely. And I had just finished eating some of my pizza. You can just see the plate and crust dipping sauce on top of my printer. And the pizza is what the paper towels are for... of course.

I solved my own ant problem and fixed my own air conditioner. People solve their own problems here. When you have a fender bender you get out your wallets and bicker for a while then drive away. No expensive lawyers needed. People hardly ever sue. My handyman skills are really improving too. I guess this is just another good thing about Korea.

See? See? See?