The other day I was walking down the street in Yong In and I saw a coffee shop with the familiar green logo, letters, interior etc. that was unmistakeably Starbucks. They're taking over the world, Starbucks. Soon the price of coffee will be overinflated EVERYWHERE. But on closer inspection, no, it was Starbangs. I wish I had my camera with me so I could have taken a picture. However, I doubt I would have been able to post it here anyway.
The ubiquitous copywright infringement. Charmingly hilarious! Some of the better examples I can think of have been the Jurassic Prak night club I saw with everything stolen from the movie. My friend Kim collects things like this. She has a "Dorald Duke" t-shirt with Donald Duck silkscreened on and even the little circled C's and R's unwittingly copied with him. I have a whole collection of ties with Simpsons characters illegally reproduced. I have an animator friend who tells me that drawing muppet characters like Big Bird or Ernie and Bert, (without permission), is a lucrative industry. And one of my greatest regrets in Korea was the pair of "Ree" jeans with the flagrantly copied "Ree" branded leather patch on them that I didn't buy just because they were too small.
It's impossible to know when you are buying, for example, golf clubs over here whether you are getting an actual, legitimate, original Cobra driver or whether it's just a cheap immitation. Cheaply MADE, (by slave labourers in China), but not cheaply priced any more. Those "clever" Asians are starting to realize that people know it's fake if the price gets too low. I don't know how many times I've been accosted on the streets of I Tae Won, (a popular foreigner shopping and entertainment district in Seoul), with, "Rolex? Genuine immitation Rolex?" Last month I bought a pair of Levi's jeans there FROM a Levi's store ON SALE for only 85 bucks, but they're probably fakes. And so many girls have the, (fake), designer clothes and shoes and purses that I am starting to recognize some of the names and patterns, God help me!
Now you may think it's all harmless and you may forgive them because, (as they all seem to have convinced themselves), they HAVE to do it to feed their families. I used to believe this too. But both are wrong. There ARE a few people who cheat to survive in some Asian countries. I even find myself allowing myself to be cheated sometimes. And not so long ago in Korea I think the cheating would have been more respectable as well. But I have found that economics change much faster than social values and ideas. Korea's economy is now a world powerhouse, but they are STILL cheating because that's how their forefathers succeeded. Their forefathers had to cheat, they don't. But they are still respected, preferred as mates, generally favoured as if they DO. Ask a Korean or Chinese person if one can succeed in business without cheating and don't be surprised when they laugh at you. It's gonna be a while before this changes.
But how is this harmful to me? To you? I am certainly no expert so I can't speak knowledgeably about how countries that have enacted and enforced business laws to force business past this "cheating to succeed" phase seem to, with the new global economy, be the ones who are BEING influenced by, rather than doing the influencing to the countries that haven't progressed past it. But I can give a few examples of how I think it has negatively influenced MY life. Most recently, about half an hour ago.
Half an hour ago I got an email from my university in response to my request for sealed transcripts to be mailed to my new employer here in Korea. You see it's no longer enough to produce an original diploma from my university, it could be a fake purchased on Kaosan road in Thailand. It isn't enough that last year amidst a wave of foreign teachers found to have used phony degrees, (given to them by their Korean recruiters), ALL foreigners were forced to have their degrees verified at their local immigration offices. I have an original degree, on record at all the immigration offices as having been verified just over a year ago, but that's not enough. Now we also need to have sealed transcripts mailed to new employers directly from our alma maters. I have already done this once. A couple of years ago. It costs money and it's an extra hassle. But that's the price we pay for people trying to cheat.
It gets worse. I emailed my school like I did two years ago and made my request. I included my student number, my social insurance number, the address of my new employer, said hello to the worker who did this for me two years ago, but, nope, I could be a fake. Things in Canada are quickly changing so that we will never have to, and never be able to trust anyone ever again. You can't do anything in Canada without taking a thousand extra legal steps to cover your ass against fraud. A lawyer's paradise. Hell for Joe average. Why? We are being forceably protected against the dangerous practice of trusting people while at the same time being relieved of the difficult responsibility of being honest.
Back to my situation. The email stated that due to recent government regulations requests for transcripts will not be processed unless sent from your personal university email address no doubt only attainable through personal appearance, fingerprinting and d.n.a. testing. They also gave me a link to their webpage for alternate forms of transcript requests. It turns out that a request can be made by fax. Great. So I'll go into my new employer and give them the fax number and get them to fax the request. I figured I was out of the woods. How could I be so foolish?
I went to the part of the page where it lists acceptable forms of payment. Cash. That's out. I'm in Korea. I could buy Canadian cash here and mail it but that would be foolish and time consuming. Certified check. That's out too. Although they ARE available in this country, the majority of bank tellers will look at you like you have three heads if you request one. I've tried. Visa or Mastercard. That's out. I don't have either.
Last year I paid with an e-transfer from my Canadian account to the Lakehead university account. I guess some clever person has found a way in the last two years to defraud THIS system of payment as well.
In summation, I am going to have to go through a lot of unnecessary hassle, and waste a lot of time to do something in the slowest, most difficult way, that is totally unnecessary for me to have to do in the first place. All because of peole who can't stop lying, cheating and stealing! Grrrr!
On a lighter note, I'm tied for fourth place in the NFL.com playoff pool. First prize is two tickets to the next Super Bowl. Hotel and airfare included. I checked out the rules for the pool to see if airfare from Korea would be possible. After reading one of the twelve pages of Legalese written specifically to cover their asses against fraud because in the past somebody cheated, I gave up. I kinda hope I DON'T win now.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Heavenly Hockey Card
Who is the greatest street hockey player who ever lived? Would even he, or for that matter, she, (har har), know? I may not have been the best, but I have some pretty impressive statistics. And when I die, if God finds me worthy to enter into Heaven, it is my greatest wish to know how I stacked up against all the street hockey players of the world. I hope God meets me with a handshake, a “Well done, good and faithful servant,” and a hockey card with an action shot of me on the front and exhaustive statistics on the back.
I don’t just want to know goals, assists, penalties, shooting percentage, breakaway success rate and the like. If God made the card, and God is omni present, potent and scient, we can expect more. I want to know statistics like how many one-timers I blasted into the net; the velocity of my hardest ever shots; how many times I would have scored if someone had not yelled, “Car!” I would like to see my scoring totals adjusted for unavoidable irregularities like playing with broken sticks or blades worn sliver thin, potholes, puddles, frost heaves and other challenging imperfections to the playing surface, and variant net sizes. I mean how accurate can you be when making nets out of boots, crushed pop cans, bits of litter, broken stick blades etc.? Really, the only consistent street hockey goal I ever used was from a pair of stringed mittens I got for Christmas one year. And I only got them because of my propensity toward losing unattached mittens. And this propensity existed in turn because most of my mittens had, at one time or another, served as street hockey goalposts and had been slushed up, trodden upon, run over by passing cars or even bunched up and used as a ball in an emergency.
Only God could possibly know how many of my shots would have ricocheted off the post and gone in had the post not been a pile of slush, a toque, a rock, or a running shoe, the laces of which had been used to tie rectangular pieces of couch sponge to the shins of a goalie. And only God could fairly adjust my statistics for inequalities in teams or play. For example, what if one side had couch sponge pads for their goalie and the other team’s goalie just had to tie a couple telephone books to his shins? What if there was one player much older and bigger, or much younger and smaller? What if you had to play with a girl because she was somebody’s sister or cousin and somebody wasn’t allowed to play unless she did too? What if one side had a dead end wall or a curb, but the other side had to wear itself out chasing errant balls past their goal and down the street? What if the street was actually not level? And of course, what if one team’s net was larger than the other team’s? Only God knows how this changed the game.
And only God knows about the NON-statistics. Like how many games did I play at the beginning of my career when the older kids wouldn’t pass to me? Even though I was just as good, or maybe better, they cost me a lot of statistics that way. And how many times did I pass to a younger kid, (remembering how I hated not being passed to), or a worse player who blew the goal and cost me the assist? Or how many times did I have an easy goal but I passed to someone to give them the glory? How many times did I pass to the new kid and try to get him involved? How many times had I been captain and picked the new kid? Or picked the crappy player before somebody better than him just to boost his ego? How many times did I have a chance to lie and say I’d scored, but didn’t? Or how many times had I continued playing even though I was absolutely sure I HAD scored a goal? How many times had I moved the net for a passing car, chased a ball down a hill or looked for one in the bushes? How many times could I have hacked, slashed or started a fight, but chose not to? How many times did I break up a fight between two other players? How many times had I agreed to play goalie even though I’m a lousy goalie, I usually can’t score when I’m in net, we were using a frozen ball and I had no cup? How many times had I helped others melt their superblades to get a really sweet curve? How many kids did I teach to tape their sticks? How many thousands of hacks did I take on the shins without complaint? I think God would be most concerned with these non-statistics.
When I think about it, my heavenly hockey card is going to be awfully long. That or it’ll have microscopic printing. Either way it’ll be okay because I’ll have eternity to study it. But I won’t just receive the card. I think it would be almost sacrilege to underestimate the glory of Heaven so. No, I believe after God gives me the handshake, the “Well done, good and faithful servant,” and my heavenly hockey card, He, (or she (har har)), and I will sit down on some comfy chairs, or maybe clouds, get a nice bottle of Molson or ambrosia or pomegranate wine or myrrh, (is myrrh a drink? Is it even a liquid? I never DID know what myrrh was), whatever beverage goes best with hockey watching, and we’ll watch any games we want. From any time past or present. Maybe even future! I could watch the first game I ever played. Wow, that was a long time ago. I wonder how old I was and who I played with. I could watch THE first game ever played! Was it in Canada? Did they use a cow pie instead of a puck? Was it played on a pond? Did they use sticks that they had hewn out of logs themselves? Was it even on ice? Which came first, street hockey or ice hockey? Again, probably only God knows the answer.
I would love to watch the first goal I ever scored. The thrill on my rosy-cheeked face would bring a tear to my eye in Heaven. Could there be a thrill more unimaginably intoxicating than scoring the Stanley Cup winning goal? Perhaps scoring an Olympic gold medal-winning goal. Or maybe everyone feels something similar when they score their first goal. And I’m not talking about Dad or big brother flailing their bodies in mock attempts to stop a shot that only just makes it into the net. I’m talking about playing with peers and scoring a legitimate goal. When was my first? I can’t believe I have forgotten such a momentous occasion. Then again I don’t remember my first breath, my first friend or my first taste of my favourite food.
I could watch one of so many first games I played at many new schools. Invariably I was picked last and used sparingly until the other players noticed my abilities and began to include me in play and even celebrate goals with me.
I could watch the last game I ever played. That’ll be when I’m very old I hope. If I am very lucky, it will be the last thing I do on earth. Dying of a heart attack while playing hockey wouldn’t be so bad. I could watch any game I have ever played! I could watch EVERY game I have ever played! God and I just might do this BEFORE He decides whether or not I am worthy of entry into Heaven. What more would we really need to see?
I don’t just want to know goals, assists, penalties, shooting percentage, breakaway success rate and the like. If God made the card, and God is omni present, potent and scient, we can expect more. I want to know statistics like how many one-timers I blasted into the net; the velocity of my hardest ever shots; how many times I would have scored if someone had not yelled, “Car!” I would like to see my scoring totals adjusted for unavoidable irregularities like playing with broken sticks or blades worn sliver thin, potholes, puddles, frost heaves and other challenging imperfections to the playing surface, and variant net sizes. I mean how accurate can you be when making nets out of boots, crushed pop cans, bits of litter, broken stick blades etc.? Really, the only consistent street hockey goal I ever used was from a pair of stringed mittens I got for Christmas one year. And I only got them because of my propensity toward losing unattached mittens. And this propensity existed in turn because most of my mittens had, at one time or another, served as street hockey goalposts and had been slushed up, trodden upon, run over by passing cars or even bunched up and used as a ball in an emergency.
Only God could possibly know how many of my shots would have ricocheted off the post and gone in had the post not been a pile of slush, a toque, a rock, or a running shoe, the laces of which had been used to tie rectangular pieces of couch sponge to the shins of a goalie. And only God could fairly adjust my statistics for inequalities in teams or play. For example, what if one side had couch sponge pads for their goalie and the other team’s goalie just had to tie a couple telephone books to his shins? What if there was one player much older and bigger, or much younger and smaller? What if you had to play with a girl because she was somebody’s sister or cousin and somebody wasn’t allowed to play unless she did too? What if one side had a dead end wall or a curb, but the other side had to wear itself out chasing errant balls past their goal and down the street? What if the street was actually not level? And of course, what if one team’s net was larger than the other team’s? Only God knows how this changed the game.
And only God knows about the NON-statistics. Like how many games did I play at the beginning of my career when the older kids wouldn’t pass to me? Even though I was just as good, or maybe better, they cost me a lot of statistics that way. And how many times did I pass to a younger kid, (remembering how I hated not being passed to), or a worse player who blew the goal and cost me the assist? Or how many times did I have an easy goal but I passed to someone to give them the glory? How many times did I pass to the new kid and try to get him involved? How many times had I been captain and picked the new kid? Or picked the crappy player before somebody better than him just to boost his ego? How many times did I have a chance to lie and say I’d scored, but didn’t? Or how many times had I continued playing even though I was absolutely sure I HAD scored a goal? How many times had I moved the net for a passing car, chased a ball down a hill or looked for one in the bushes? How many times could I have hacked, slashed or started a fight, but chose not to? How many times did I break up a fight between two other players? How many times had I agreed to play goalie even though I’m a lousy goalie, I usually can’t score when I’m in net, we were using a frozen ball and I had no cup? How many times had I helped others melt their superblades to get a really sweet curve? How many kids did I teach to tape their sticks? How many thousands of hacks did I take on the shins without complaint? I think God would be most concerned with these non-statistics.
When I think about it, my heavenly hockey card is going to be awfully long. That or it’ll have microscopic printing. Either way it’ll be okay because I’ll have eternity to study it. But I won’t just receive the card. I think it would be almost sacrilege to underestimate the glory of Heaven so. No, I believe after God gives me the handshake, the “Well done, good and faithful servant,” and my heavenly hockey card, He, (or she (har har)), and I will sit down on some comfy chairs, or maybe clouds, get a nice bottle of Molson or ambrosia or pomegranate wine or myrrh, (is myrrh a drink? Is it even a liquid? I never DID know what myrrh was), whatever beverage goes best with hockey watching, and we’ll watch any games we want. From any time past or present. Maybe even future! I could watch the first game I ever played. Wow, that was a long time ago. I wonder how old I was and who I played with. I could watch THE first game ever played! Was it in Canada? Did they use a cow pie instead of a puck? Was it played on a pond? Did they use sticks that they had hewn out of logs themselves? Was it even on ice? Which came first, street hockey or ice hockey? Again, probably only God knows the answer.
I would love to watch the first goal I ever scored. The thrill on my rosy-cheeked face would bring a tear to my eye in Heaven. Could there be a thrill more unimaginably intoxicating than scoring the Stanley Cup winning goal? Perhaps scoring an Olympic gold medal-winning goal. Or maybe everyone feels something similar when they score their first goal. And I’m not talking about Dad or big brother flailing their bodies in mock attempts to stop a shot that only just makes it into the net. I’m talking about playing with peers and scoring a legitimate goal. When was my first? I can’t believe I have forgotten such a momentous occasion. Then again I don’t remember my first breath, my first friend or my first taste of my favourite food.
I could watch one of so many first games I played at many new schools. Invariably I was picked last and used sparingly until the other players noticed my abilities and began to include me in play and even celebrate goals with me.
I could watch the last game I ever played. That’ll be when I’m very old I hope. If I am very lucky, it will be the last thing I do on earth. Dying of a heart attack while playing hockey wouldn’t be so bad. I could watch any game I have ever played! I could watch EVERY game I have ever played! God and I just might do this BEFORE He decides whether or not I am worthy of entry into Heaven. What more would we really need to see?
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Offense isn't offensive
A few things pervade my thoughts this week. One is football. Of the NFL sort. I think the best game of the year was Indy/New England when they met during the season. Too bad it's the playoffs and both teams seem to be buying into the old faithful, "Defence wins championships" nonsense that has killed so many a poolster. Although I DID pick the Colt defence and Adam V. their kicker, I almost puked when I saw such an offensive powerhouse play a whole game without a touchdown last week.
Watch for what I'm about to type in the game this week: Both Peyton and Brady have been guilty of throwing the "safe" passes recently, Peyton moreso than Brady. Although for most of the Pats' last game their best receiver, Reche Caldwell, only got ahold of one ball for a gain of more than 8 yards and that was a ball that was thrown to someone else, intercepted by the other team, fumbled and finally recovered by Caldwell for about a 20 yard gain. But when the going got tough, Brady came out of his shell. Caldwell finally got a long one that put them into game winning field goal position.
Peyton has looked more like Eli in his playoff games so far. Throwing those sideline and endzone un-interceptable passes much closer to the sidelines and endzones. So much closer that not only can't the OTHER team catch them, but the Colts' receivers can't either. Marvellous Marvin Harrison has been Starvin' Marvin for the last two weeks and Reggie Wayne might as well have been John Wayne, he ain't getting any passes. I think Peyton is suffering from Bill Buckneritis. Or I guess, unfortunately, that could be known as Tony Romoitis now. He's so worried about making a crappy play that'll lose the game that he's not making the big plays to win it. Brady threw 3 interceptions against the Chargers last week and won the game because he threw some MORE balls that could have been intercepted, but weren't.
Over their careers, and probably this weekend, that'll be the difference between Brady and Manning. If Manning is too scared to do what got him here and throw the ball, or if the coach is too scared to let him, Colts lose. But if he throws a few interceptions, I think they'll win.
Same with the Superbowl, although I'm impressed with the Bears using their offense and not their number 1 defence to win last week. I have to go with the Saints to beat them though. Sorry Heather and Mike. New Orleans had a hurricane, you guys in Chicago just have lots of wind. The sympathy vote goes to the Saints.
So in conclusion, I predict that the teams that are more offensive on the field and less offensive to the stomach will win. Colts beat Saints in the Superbowl.
But I may be in another country watching that. Another thing on my mind recently has been getting a new job then going on a vacation. If you are a regular reader you know I've worked at a shit school this year so I've been doing the interview thing recently. On Monday I have an interview at the place I most want to work. That sucks because Monday morning is NFL Sunday here in Korea. But I think I'll be able to watch that Colt/Pat game and THEN hightail it out of here to my interview a couple hours away. After that I'll be looking for a ticket to somewhere where I can sit beside the pool and watch the Superbowl. Probly Philippines or Thailand.
Go Colts go!
Watch for what I'm about to type in the game this week: Both Peyton and Brady have been guilty of throwing the "safe" passes recently, Peyton moreso than Brady. Although for most of the Pats' last game their best receiver, Reche Caldwell, only got ahold of one ball for a gain of more than 8 yards and that was a ball that was thrown to someone else, intercepted by the other team, fumbled and finally recovered by Caldwell for about a 20 yard gain. But when the going got tough, Brady came out of his shell. Caldwell finally got a long one that put them into game winning field goal position.
Peyton has looked more like Eli in his playoff games so far. Throwing those sideline and endzone un-interceptable passes much closer to the sidelines and endzones. So much closer that not only can't the OTHER team catch them, but the Colts' receivers can't either. Marvellous Marvin Harrison has been Starvin' Marvin for the last two weeks and Reggie Wayne might as well have been John Wayne, he ain't getting any passes. I think Peyton is suffering from Bill Buckneritis. Or I guess, unfortunately, that could be known as Tony Romoitis now. He's so worried about making a crappy play that'll lose the game that he's not making the big plays to win it. Brady threw 3 interceptions against the Chargers last week and won the game because he threw some MORE balls that could have been intercepted, but weren't.
Over their careers, and probably this weekend, that'll be the difference between Brady and Manning. If Manning is too scared to do what got him here and throw the ball, or if the coach is too scared to let him, Colts lose. But if he throws a few interceptions, I think they'll win.
Same with the Superbowl, although I'm impressed with the Bears using their offense and not their number 1 defence to win last week. I have to go with the Saints to beat them though. Sorry Heather and Mike. New Orleans had a hurricane, you guys in Chicago just have lots of wind. The sympathy vote goes to the Saints.
So in conclusion, I predict that the teams that are more offensive on the field and less offensive to the stomach will win. Colts beat Saints in the Superbowl.
But I may be in another country watching that. Another thing on my mind recently has been getting a new job then going on a vacation. If you are a regular reader you know I've worked at a shit school this year so I've been doing the interview thing recently. On Monday I have an interview at the place I most want to work. That sucks because Monday morning is NFL Sunday here in Korea. But I think I'll be able to watch that Colt/Pat game and THEN hightail it out of here to my interview a couple hours away. After that I'll be looking for a ticket to somewhere where I can sit beside the pool and watch the Superbowl. Probly Philippines or Thailand.
Go Colts go!
Friday, January 05, 2007
Tale of Three Countries
Okay, I’m no expert on what I’m about to write, but recent world events, movie viewing, internet surfing and distant echoes of past education have brought to my mind what I perceive as a clearer understanding of the Iraq situation. I could be wrong.
I’ll start with the movie. If you haven’t seen “Hotel Rwanda” go, get it NOW. The story takes place amidst the 100-day massacre of close to a million “Tootsies” by rival “Hutus”. The source of their difference was not race, belief, religion etc., but nose size and length. When Rwanda was colonized by Belgium, the Belgian colonists decided that Tootsies, in general, had longer, more slender noses. This was not a scientific, evolutionary or factual observation, it was just made up.
When the Belgians left, the Tootsies, a minority, were in charge of the country. They gave preference to people with longer, more slender noses. The Tootsies got more government funding, better jobs, etc. They even dispatched with troublesome nose inspections by creating identity cards with “Hutu” or “Tootsie” stamped in big letters across them.
Naturally, the mistreated majority revolted, and the result was an attempted genocide during which one tenth of the Rwandan people were massacred.
Now to Iraq. Almost everyone in Iraq is Muslim. There are some artificial divisions that are causing the commotion. Roughly 60% of the people are Shi’aa or Shia Arabs. Roughly 20% are Sunni Arabs and roughly 15% are Sunni Kurds. So the Sunni are the minority. During the rule of Saddam Hussein, himself a Sunni, the Sunnis were favoured by government, given better jobs etc.
The U.S. stepped in and gave Iraq a “democratic” government that is Shia controlled and actually limits the number of attainable seats for Sunnis.
What is the main difference between the Shia and the Sunni Muslim? This goes back to the death of the Prophet Muhammad. After he died, a new leader, Abu Bakr, his close friend and advisor, was elected as the leader of the Muslim people. Sunni support this election but the Shia believe that the new leader should have been a member of Muhammad’s family, his cousin/brother-in-law, Ali. “Shia” is actually a shortened form of “Shia-t-Ali” or the party of Ali. So throughout history Shia and Sunni Muslims have recognized different lines of leaders.
I find it extremely odd that the U.S. recognizes the group that supports “Imams” or leaders, who they believe are sinless and whose authority comes directly from God. The Sunni contend that leadership of the community is not a birthright, but a trust which is earned and may be given or taken by the people. This is virtually identical to the position the founding fathers of America held that caused them to spurn the king of England, (whose authority was believed to be directly from God), and elect their own leaders.
It is also odd that I have read several times that all Iraqis say that they are Iraqi. Not Sunni-Iraqi or Shia-Iraqi. They fought side by side against Iran, they represented their country together in the Olympics and they share all the fundamental Islamic beliefs.
Now a third and final country. It’s called Lilliput. Within Lilliput there existed a metropolis called Mildendo. For above 70 moons past there have been two struggling parties in this empire: the Tramecksan and the Slamecksan. These parties won’t eat, drink or talk with one another. What is the factor that causes their division? The Tramecksan wear high heeled shoes while the Slamecksan prefer low heeled footwear.
The very existence of the city of Mildendo is threatened by invasion from the island of Blefuscu. On Blefuscu there has raged a,
“most obstinate War for six and thirty Moons past.”
The war in Blefuscu is between the Big-Endian Exiles and the Blefuscuan traditionalists who honour their age-old traditions. What traditios are they fighting over? The Big-Endians break their eggs at the big end in brash opposition to the Blefuscuan tradition of breaking their eggs at the small end.
“It is computed, that eleven thousand Persons have,
at several times, suffered Death, rather than submit
to break their Eggs at the smaller End.”
If you haven’t spotted it, this third country is a fictional one derived from the fertile mind of Jonathan Swift and shared with the world in his book “Gulliver’s Travels”. Though the country of Lilliput and its various conflicts were satirical fabrications, I have been recently wondering if these wars are any less believable than those in Iraq and Rwanda. It’s a close call.
I’ll start with the movie. If you haven’t seen “Hotel Rwanda” go, get it NOW. The story takes place amidst the 100-day massacre of close to a million “Tootsies” by rival “Hutus”. The source of their difference was not race, belief, religion etc., but nose size and length. When Rwanda was colonized by Belgium, the Belgian colonists decided that Tootsies, in general, had longer, more slender noses. This was not a scientific, evolutionary or factual observation, it was just made up.
When the Belgians left, the Tootsies, a minority, were in charge of the country. They gave preference to people with longer, more slender noses. The Tootsies got more government funding, better jobs, etc. They even dispatched with troublesome nose inspections by creating identity cards with “Hutu” or “Tootsie” stamped in big letters across them.
Naturally, the mistreated majority revolted, and the result was an attempted genocide during which one tenth of the Rwandan people were massacred.
Now to Iraq. Almost everyone in Iraq is Muslim. There are some artificial divisions that are causing the commotion. Roughly 60% of the people are Shi’aa or Shia Arabs. Roughly 20% are Sunni Arabs and roughly 15% are Sunni Kurds. So the Sunni are the minority. During the rule of Saddam Hussein, himself a Sunni, the Sunnis were favoured by government, given better jobs etc.
The U.S. stepped in and gave Iraq a “democratic” government that is Shia controlled and actually limits the number of attainable seats for Sunnis.
What is the main difference between the Shia and the Sunni Muslim? This goes back to the death of the Prophet Muhammad. After he died, a new leader, Abu Bakr, his close friend and advisor, was elected as the leader of the Muslim people. Sunni support this election but the Shia believe that the new leader should have been a member of Muhammad’s family, his cousin/brother-in-law, Ali. “Shia” is actually a shortened form of “Shia-t-Ali” or the party of Ali. So throughout history Shia and Sunni Muslims have recognized different lines of leaders.
I find it extremely odd that the U.S. recognizes the group that supports “Imams” or leaders, who they believe are sinless and whose authority comes directly from God. The Sunni contend that leadership of the community is not a birthright, but a trust which is earned and may be given or taken by the people. This is virtually identical to the position the founding fathers of America held that caused them to spurn the king of England, (whose authority was believed to be directly from God), and elect their own leaders.
It is also odd that I have read several times that all Iraqis say that they are Iraqi. Not Sunni-Iraqi or Shia-Iraqi. They fought side by side against Iran, they represented their country together in the Olympics and they share all the fundamental Islamic beliefs.
Now a third and final country. It’s called Lilliput. Within Lilliput there existed a metropolis called Mildendo. For above 70 moons past there have been two struggling parties in this empire: the Tramecksan and the Slamecksan. These parties won’t eat, drink or talk with one another. What is the factor that causes their division? The Tramecksan wear high heeled shoes while the Slamecksan prefer low heeled footwear.
The very existence of the city of Mildendo is threatened by invasion from the island of Blefuscu. On Blefuscu there has raged a,
“most obstinate War for six and thirty Moons past.”
The war in Blefuscu is between the Big-Endian Exiles and the Blefuscuan traditionalists who honour their age-old traditions. What traditios are they fighting over? The Big-Endians break their eggs at the big end in brash opposition to the Blefuscuan tradition of breaking their eggs at the small end.
“It is computed, that eleven thousand Persons have,
at several times, suffered Death, rather than submit
to break their Eggs at the smaller End.”
If you haven’t spotted it, this third country is a fictional one derived from the fertile mind of Jonathan Swift and shared with the world in his book “Gulliver’s Travels”. Though the country of Lilliput and its various conflicts were satirical fabrications, I have been recently wondering if these wars are any less believable than those in Iraq and Rwanda. It’s a close call.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
I TOLD them so!!!
Well, I've marked all my exams. So my work for this contract is almost at an end. I should be feeling pretty happy about that. But I'm not. But I'm not angry or sad. Here, let me try to illustrate my feelings. Coincidentally, I tried, (and that's the operative word here), to teach my students about feelings this semester. The following are two scans of the front page of one of my students' final exam. Her name is Mi Sun.
http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r248/davoid13/bclassexam.jpg
http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r248/davoid13/bclassexamII.jpg
Note the fine detail of Mi Sun's own rendition of my illustrations. Note the hearts on the page and the perfect grammar and spelling of the message "I love you." There's so much on this page! Notice the picture in the upper right corner she hastily drew. It looks to be a plate of food. The exam was given from 10 to 11 a.m. so it's my guess that Mi Sun might have been hungry. Note the TV with the tiny Oriental talk show host on it. I imagine all my students would much rather have been at home watching TV at the time of the test. I enjoyed Mi Sun's first answer. What is he doing right now? He is feeling. I almost gave her a mark for that. I suppose he IS indeed feeling. And from her second answer, I think it might be possible to explain all the sweat. "In but". Maybe I'm a bit of a homophobe but when I think of in butt, I tend to look a lot like the illustration. I probably should have given her half a mark for creativity. I DID give her half a mark for her answer "to soad". I do feel that I was very generous in my allowing "soad" instead of "sad". My favourite part of the page is the Korean writing below the "I Love you". It says, "Doh ray mi fah sol la SHI doh"!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha :-) So, while Mi Sun may have a future as an artist, she certainly shouldn't get a job that involves English or probably music. Her final grade on the exam was 5.5/45. Not bad for the class she was in. But I think her test was the one I enjoyed marking more than any other.
If you read my previous post, you will remember that I asked the school if I could give my own final exams during class time. I gave them plenty of good reasons why this was the best way to do things. Two of them were to discourage cheating and so that if students don't understand something on the test, I will be there to answer questions for them. Well, I was allowed to proctor only one of my five classes' exams. There were no problems in that class. However, one of my classes got a proctor who either allowed them to cheat or HELPED them. And I think it was the latter. My best student is in this class and he got 42.5/45 on his test. About what I expected him to get. But 15 other students ALSO got 40 or more. Students who failed the midterm and never came to class got 40 or more. One student who spent most of her time in class looking in a mirror or into her phone got 40 or more. One student who doesn't know the alphabet got 40 or more! In the three other classes that wrote this exam 3 students out of 110 got 40 or more! Nobody failed in the cheating class. The average was 35/45. Unfortunately one of my smartest students must have been sitting too far away from all of the cheating and she only got 29. So most of the rockheads in the class beat her. After all her hard work coming to class every day, studying, listening, answering questions, she got one of the lower marks in the class. She was probably distracted by the cheating. Or maybe she saw some of the answers the boneheads of the class were writing and thought that they couldn't possibly be right.
In comparison, Mi Sun's class had a completely different proctor. A no nonsense proctor. One the students are afraid of. She didn't allow cheating. Unfortunately, I think the students misunderstood some questions on the test and were too afraid of her to ask about them. Or maybe they asked and she didn't know. Or maybe she doesn't speak English. Either way, 23 people failed and only 9 passed. One of the students got 40 but nobody was able to copy her. The class average was 14/45.
I have been told by my supervisor to give 35% of my students A, 35% get B and 30% get C, D and F. I have also been told that I have to keep the marks fairly uniform between the classes. AND I also have to give marks that are similar to the marks the other English teachers here are giving. Things would have been fine if I were only allowed to do my exams in my class time. Now I'm gonna spend the next few days just pulling marks out of my ass. Or as Mi Sun might say, "out but". After that I think I'll NEED a vacation. Wish me luck.
http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r248/davoid13/bclassexam.jpg
http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r248/davoid13/bclassexamII.jpg
Note the fine detail of Mi Sun's own rendition of my illustrations. Note the hearts on the page and the perfect grammar and spelling of the message "I love you." There's so much on this page! Notice the picture in the upper right corner she hastily drew. It looks to be a plate of food. The exam was given from 10 to 11 a.m. so it's my guess that Mi Sun might have been hungry. Note the TV with the tiny Oriental talk show host on it. I imagine all my students would much rather have been at home watching TV at the time of the test. I enjoyed Mi Sun's first answer. What is he doing right now? He is feeling. I almost gave her a mark for that. I suppose he IS indeed feeling. And from her second answer, I think it might be possible to explain all the sweat. "In but". Maybe I'm a bit of a homophobe but when I think of in butt, I tend to look a lot like the illustration. I probably should have given her half a mark for creativity. I DID give her half a mark for her answer "to soad". I do feel that I was very generous in my allowing "soad" instead of "sad". My favourite part of the page is the Korean writing below the "I Love you". It says, "Doh ray mi fah sol la SHI doh"!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha :-) So, while Mi Sun may have a future as an artist, she certainly shouldn't get a job that involves English or probably music. Her final grade on the exam was 5.5/45. Not bad for the class she was in. But I think her test was the one I enjoyed marking more than any other.
If you read my previous post, you will remember that I asked the school if I could give my own final exams during class time. I gave them plenty of good reasons why this was the best way to do things. Two of them were to discourage cheating and so that if students don't understand something on the test, I will be there to answer questions for them. Well, I was allowed to proctor only one of my five classes' exams. There were no problems in that class. However, one of my classes got a proctor who either allowed them to cheat or HELPED them. And I think it was the latter. My best student is in this class and he got 42.5/45 on his test. About what I expected him to get. But 15 other students ALSO got 40 or more. Students who failed the midterm and never came to class got 40 or more. One student who spent most of her time in class looking in a mirror or into her phone got 40 or more. One student who doesn't know the alphabet got 40 or more! In the three other classes that wrote this exam 3 students out of 110 got 40 or more! Nobody failed in the cheating class. The average was 35/45. Unfortunately one of my smartest students must have been sitting too far away from all of the cheating and she only got 29. So most of the rockheads in the class beat her. After all her hard work coming to class every day, studying, listening, answering questions, she got one of the lower marks in the class. She was probably distracted by the cheating. Or maybe she saw some of the answers the boneheads of the class were writing and thought that they couldn't possibly be right.
In comparison, Mi Sun's class had a completely different proctor. A no nonsense proctor. One the students are afraid of. She didn't allow cheating. Unfortunately, I think the students misunderstood some questions on the test and were too afraid of her to ask about them. Or maybe they asked and she didn't know. Or maybe she doesn't speak English. Either way, 23 people failed and only 9 passed. One of the students got 40 but nobody was able to copy her. The class average was 14/45.
I have been told by my supervisor to give 35% of my students A, 35% get B and 30% get C, D and F. I have also been told that I have to keep the marks fairly uniform between the classes. AND I also have to give marks that are similar to the marks the other English teachers here are giving. Things would have been fine if I were only allowed to do my exams in my class time. Now I'm gonna spend the next few days just pulling marks out of my ass. Or as Mi Sun might say, "out but". After that I think I'll NEED a vacation. Wish me luck.
Friday, December 08, 2006
South Korupta
I was talking to a friend the other day who told me she saw a study of corrupt countries of the world that ranked South Korea as number one. I hope I don't have to tell anyone that studies of such impossible to study things as corruption are just slience. Any good corruption, or successful corruption wouldn't be noticed by anyone. But most particularly people who are trying to measure it. It's probably a good practice to look at corruption or "transparency" lists and take the bottom countries and the top countries as the bad ones. Those are the most corrupt. The bottom countries, which usually include countries like Bangladesh, Indonesia, Chad, Cameroon etc. are countries too corrupt or just too stupid to care about hiding their corruption. But the top countries, which usually include Iceland, Sweden, Canada, Finland, Singapore etc. are probably just better at hiding their corruption, in fact making them better at corruption and perhaps more corrupt. And you have to wonder about how corrupt the people are who make these transparency lists. You can bet countries like S. Korea have offered the list makers bribes to keep their country somewhere in the middle. Take that to the bank.
At any rate, I am really starting to see how Korea is literally a country set up to encourage corruption and in fact it is almost necessary to survival here. I'm not talking about the folk tales Koreans tell their children in which the moral is lying, cheating and stealing means you are growing up. I'm not talking about the fact that every time I play a game or give a test in one of my classes just about every student cheats like a Banshee. I'm not talking about businessmen who believe that if you earn every dollar you make, you're just not doing your job. I've known those things for years. I'm talking about how I am personally impacted by the corruption here and how this country is challenging my personal honesty.
Recently, I was offered a job at a kids camp. It would have been 1.5 million won, (about 1500 bucks American), for 6 days of work. Not bad at all. The camp was trying to do things legally and asked me to get written permission from my employer. My supervisor told me that would be no problem. But after asking the "Dean of Academic Affairs" or whatever he calls himself here, (the only thing academic about this place is the fact that there is no academia here), I was told that I wouldn't be allowed to do the camp. I am an experienced camp teacher and I have lots of good ideas. I am always popular with the kids. The camp could have just hired me under the table, but they'll probably have to settle for a lesser teacher because they are trying to be honest. Bless their hearts! I'll do that camp in a second if I get another chance.
Incidentally, I did a kids camp last winter. I was able to get written permission from my employer for that one. It turned out that the, (Korean), person in charge of clearing things with immigration just chucked all the papers and permission forms, pocketed the 60 bucks for each teacher for visa fees, told everybody that he'd taken care of things and then hoped the camp wouldn't be investigated. It was investigated. What ended up happening was one of two things: either the camp was fined or they had to pay the immigration official a very large bribe. Either way each foreign teacher had 250 bucks deducted from our paychecks for "immigration purposes". So the camp didn't pay for their cheating, the foreigners did.
Similarly, there was a recent crackdown on phony degrees in Korea. Most of these phony degrees were presented to schools by Korean teacher recruiters. Teacher recruiters get a fee for finding teachers for schools. A lot of these recruiters have been just taking people without degrees, signing them up and forging degrees for them. Often without the teachers' knowledge. The results of these actions were, again, heavy penalties for the foreigners. Teachers were deported and told not to come back and every single foreigner teaching in Korea had to get their degrees verified at our own expense.
But back to the camp. Why was I not allowed to go? It is because last session at final exam and report card time I was told, after I had already completed my actual evaluations and attendance, that the NEW and improved attendance and grade forms must be signed. I basically told them to go fuck themselves. But in a nicer way. I think I told them that I'm not gonna cover their asses by signing these forms, thereby taking responsibility for the academic fraud thereon. They were angered. They couldn't believe my gaul! The nerve of me refusing to break the law! So they were just waiting for some petty revenge and the camp permission was refused for that reason. I did the legal, honest thing and it cost me 1500 bucks.
I don't want you to think I've made no effort at trying to do nice things for this "school". I've tried to do some extras and hoped that my superiors would have treated me better as a result. I offered to take care of everything for my own exams and give them during class time thereby allowing me to hand in my grades and attendance early and allowing the kids to concentrate on their majors during exam week. It also saved the school the effort of copying my exams for me and hiring someone else to proctor them. I like to do this because although the kids still cheat when I'm giving the exam, they aren't allowed to cheat as much. So it's better for everybody. This request was met with monumental mistrust. They just knew I had to have some ulterior motive for asking this. So despite not knowing what that motive might have been, the request was refused.
I have more recently been "allowed" to do extra work and come into school to proctor exams during exam week when I would otherwise be doing nothing and getting paid for it. I guess they see this as doing ME a favour because only a day after permission to do the camp was refused, I was called and told that I would be "allowed" to proctor my exams again! Yay!
I have been a model employee for my "school". I kicked ass on student evaluations; I taught special classes including one where I cooked spaghetti for my entire class; I got the students to write recipes in English as homework and I typed them out and added each chef's profile and a picture of their dish and made cookbooks for the people who did the assignment; I have always handed everything in VERY early; I have never been late and only missed two hours of teaching because of a cold; and I've taught make-up, (not cosmetics lol), classes without complaint. I'm trying to catch flies with sugar here. And what do I get? The flies demand more sugar and make a mess of my dinner table while they're eating.
Well it's final exam, report card and attendance time again. And again I'll be damned if I'm gonna fudge marks and attendance figures. No more sugar. I've run out. But I am also looking for a new job at this time. I'm pretty sure that most places where I am applying will call up this "college" and ask about my performance here. And I'm pretty sure all the sugar is not going to factor into their response. They will probably give me a terrible review to any school that asks about me. Why? Because I'm just too honest for my own good. Too honest for this country anyway.
It is a wonderful country, South Korupta! And despite my better judgement telling me to give it up, I will be vigilant and continue my one-man crusade to try to make this place just a tiny bit more honest.
At any rate, I am really starting to see how Korea is literally a country set up to encourage corruption and in fact it is almost necessary to survival here. I'm not talking about the folk tales Koreans tell their children in which the moral is lying, cheating and stealing means you are growing up. I'm not talking about the fact that every time I play a game or give a test in one of my classes just about every student cheats like a Banshee. I'm not talking about businessmen who believe that if you earn every dollar you make, you're just not doing your job. I've known those things for years. I'm talking about how I am personally impacted by the corruption here and how this country is challenging my personal honesty.
Recently, I was offered a job at a kids camp. It would have been 1.5 million won, (about 1500 bucks American), for 6 days of work. Not bad at all. The camp was trying to do things legally and asked me to get written permission from my employer. My supervisor told me that would be no problem. But after asking the "Dean of Academic Affairs" or whatever he calls himself here, (the only thing academic about this place is the fact that there is no academia here), I was told that I wouldn't be allowed to do the camp. I am an experienced camp teacher and I have lots of good ideas. I am always popular with the kids. The camp could have just hired me under the table, but they'll probably have to settle for a lesser teacher because they are trying to be honest. Bless their hearts! I'll do that camp in a second if I get another chance.
Incidentally, I did a kids camp last winter. I was able to get written permission from my employer for that one. It turned out that the, (Korean), person in charge of clearing things with immigration just chucked all the papers and permission forms, pocketed the 60 bucks for each teacher for visa fees, told everybody that he'd taken care of things and then hoped the camp wouldn't be investigated. It was investigated. What ended up happening was one of two things: either the camp was fined or they had to pay the immigration official a very large bribe. Either way each foreign teacher had 250 bucks deducted from our paychecks for "immigration purposes". So the camp didn't pay for their cheating, the foreigners did.
Similarly, there was a recent crackdown on phony degrees in Korea. Most of these phony degrees were presented to schools by Korean teacher recruiters. Teacher recruiters get a fee for finding teachers for schools. A lot of these recruiters have been just taking people without degrees, signing them up and forging degrees for them. Often without the teachers' knowledge. The results of these actions were, again, heavy penalties for the foreigners. Teachers were deported and told not to come back and every single foreigner teaching in Korea had to get their degrees verified at our own expense.
But back to the camp. Why was I not allowed to go? It is because last session at final exam and report card time I was told, after I had already completed my actual evaluations and attendance, that the NEW and improved attendance and grade forms must be signed. I basically told them to go fuck themselves. But in a nicer way. I think I told them that I'm not gonna cover their asses by signing these forms, thereby taking responsibility for the academic fraud thereon. They were angered. They couldn't believe my gaul! The nerve of me refusing to break the law! So they were just waiting for some petty revenge and the camp permission was refused for that reason. I did the legal, honest thing and it cost me 1500 bucks.
I don't want you to think I've made no effort at trying to do nice things for this "school". I've tried to do some extras and hoped that my superiors would have treated me better as a result. I offered to take care of everything for my own exams and give them during class time thereby allowing me to hand in my grades and attendance early and allowing the kids to concentrate on their majors during exam week. It also saved the school the effort of copying my exams for me and hiring someone else to proctor them. I like to do this because although the kids still cheat when I'm giving the exam, they aren't allowed to cheat as much. So it's better for everybody. This request was met with monumental mistrust. They just knew I had to have some ulterior motive for asking this. So despite not knowing what that motive might have been, the request was refused.
I have more recently been "allowed" to do extra work and come into school to proctor exams during exam week when I would otherwise be doing nothing and getting paid for it. I guess they see this as doing ME a favour because only a day after permission to do the camp was refused, I was called and told that I would be "allowed" to proctor my exams again! Yay!
I have been a model employee for my "school". I kicked ass on student evaluations; I taught special classes including one where I cooked spaghetti for my entire class; I got the students to write recipes in English as homework and I typed them out and added each chef's profile and a picture of their dish and made cookbooks for the people who did the assignment; I have always handed everything in VERY early; I have never been late and only missed two hours of teaching because of a cold; and I've taught make-up, (not cosmetics lol), classes without complaint. I'm trying to catch flies with sugar here. And what do I get? The flies demand more sugar and make a mess of my dinner table while they're eating.
Well it's final exam, report card and attendance time again. And again I'll be damned if I'm gonna fudge marks and attendance figures. No more sugar. I've run out. But I am also looking for a new job at this time. I'm pretty sure that most places where I am applying will call up this "college" and ask about my performance here. And I'm pretty sure all the sugar is not going to factor into their response. They will probably give me a terrible review to any school that asks about me. Why? Because I'm just too honest for my own good. Too honest for this country anyway.
It is a wonderful country, South Korupta! And despite my better judgement telling me to give it up, I will be vigilant and continue my one-man crusade to try to make this place just a tiny bit more honest.
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Another Saturday sonnet
If you don't think racism is fun
watch a Seinfeld now that Kramer's out.
And if you still have any doubt,
don't ask Mikey, he hates everyone.
Gender bending is no longer cool.
It's so common it's the new passe.
But get a little Haggard, ex and gay
and liven up your sexual vestibule.
Iraquis have an actual civil war
say entrenched reports and ballyhoo.
The body count and CNN eyesore
has lasted longer than world war two.
Being fruitful or ascetically inclined,
which is the greater sin to humankind?
watch a Seinfeld now that Kramer's out.
And if you still have any doubt,
don't ask Mikey, he hates everyone.
Gender bending is no longer cool.
It's so common it's the new passe.
But get a little Haggard, ex and gay
and liven up your sexual vestibule.
Iraquis have an actual civil war
say entrenched reports and ballyhoo.
The body count and CNN eyesore
has lasted longer than world war two.
Being fruitful or ascetically inclined,
which is the greater sin to humankind?
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Korean Whispers
I was trying all week to come up with something to follow the previous trinity of entries. Then, as if by divine intervention, (or spiritual punking), it was thrust upon me. I was at work on Thursday and I stepped up to the lectern at the front of the class in room 403 and while putting my briefcase inside noticed a stainless steel coffee mug that had been left by another teacher. I went out into the hall and talked to the only other teacher I could find. I asked him if he had lost his coffee mug. He gave me the thousand mile stare I have become so accustomed to from the students. So I downshifted into studentspeak. "Your, (exaggerated point to him), coffee mug, (sipping coffee gesture). Did you leave it in room 403, (exaggerated point to room 403) ? Still nothing. "YOU, (point), coffee, (sipping gesture), cup? I knew he had to get it this time cuz "coffee" and "cup" are pronounced almost the same in Korean. He still didn't get it. He reached behind him to a stack of paper coffee cups on the desk in his office and offered me one with a questioning noise. So I walked back to room 403 and got the cup. I showed it to him and asked "Your, (point), cup?" He finally understood. He stopped a passing student, who happened to be my best student, whose nickname is Chat Blanche, (which is French for "white cat", I know, (don't ask me to speculate on the processes my students use for choosing nicknames)). The teacher gave the cup to Whitecat and in Korean ordered him to find its owner then smiled at me like he had done something I couldn't have done.
I thanked him anyway. He continued to smile. I looked around. He smiled and lingered. I feigned interest in a poster on the wall advertising an upcoming make-up, hair and nail painting show at the school. He continued to look at me and smile. I was just about to check if my fly was down when he suddenly said, "Do you remember I drive you to bus station?" He had never driven me anywhere before so I said no. He then said, "You are David?" There are 4 ESL teachers at the college where I work. Two of them are named David. STOP naming your kids David people for the love of God! I said, "Oh, you must mean the OTHER David." Then I had a fun time explaining that there are two Davids. Luckily Whitecat was there to translate. So the teacher says, "You VERY resemble!"
The other David is drastically overweight and because of that more than anything, (probably), he has bad knees and walks with a cane. He can't make it up a flight of stairs without stopping to catch his breath and rest his knees. Not only that, he has a full head of RED hair, no beard, and he looks almost nothing like me. I don't claim to be in good shape but at least once a week I go for a 6 km. walk/run, sometimes 2 or 3 times a week! I make it up to the 4th floor every day without stopping. I am NOT as fat as the other David. And I don't much look like him either.
Basically the teacher was saying, "All you honkeys look the same to me." Like Peter from Family Guy when the family is on the lam in Asia town after springing Lois from prison. Did you see that one? There are Korean, Chinese, Japanese signs all over. And Peter is saying, "Hey it's Jackie Chan! Look it's Jackie Chan. What do you know! Jackie Chan!" to every passerby. That scene flashed through my mind. But I was prepared to let it slide. It's the Buddhist temperance I have developed from being here so many years. Things would have been fine if the teacher had left it at that. But Koreans rarely do. He says, "You very resemble! You both fat! Canadian all fat?"
Mantra! Mantra! Find your happy place. Focus on your power animal. The penguin in the cave. I don't think I was doing a very good job hiding whatever you call the "I would like to kill you" facial expression because he immediately said, "Oh not as fat as other David." Day late and a buck short buddy. "Don't you have lessons to plan or students to abuse?" I THOUGHT. I wanted to say it but I have retained some social graces in a country where they are seldom used.
Seojeong College is at the top of a hill, like most colleges in Korea. It takes 5 minutes to walk up or down the hill. David calls a taxi for the trip. Or he gets rides from students. Evidently he had been given a ride by this teacher at one point. I thought of trying to relate that to this teacher but decided to lie and say I had to get to class.
I got home after work and sat on my computer chair in front of my computer to check the hockey scores. I leaned back in my chair and 3 of the wheeled arms of its foundation simultaneously snapped and I was on my ass looking up at my computer from the floor. I am looking up at my computer as I type. I have my easy chair in front of the computer but it's a bit too close to the floor. I feel like a kid who needs a booster seat at the Thanksgiving table.
If you want to see my chair in the trash heap outside my apartment, here are a couple of links: http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r248/davoid13/Picture001.jpg
and http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r248/davoid13/Picture002.jpg
I don't know why but I can't post pictures on this blog any more. I used to be able to but now I can't. Not even from a url. If anyone knows why, please help!!
So, in conclusion, I think I'll go on a 6 k walk/jog. I'm taking this as a subtle message. As subtle as it gets in Korea anyway. See ya later.
I thanked him anyway. He continued to smile. I looked around. He smiled and lingered. I feigned interest in a poster on the wall advertising an upcoming make-up, hair and nail painting show at the school. He continued to look at me and smile. I was just about to check if my fly was down when he suddenly said, "Do you remember I drive you to bus station?" He had never driven me anywhere before so I said no. He then said, "You are David?" There are 4 ESL teachers at the college where I work. Two of them are named David. STOP naming your kids David people for the love of God! I said, "Oh, you must mean the OTHER David." Then I had a fun time explaining that there are two Davids. Luckily Whitecat was there to translate. So the teacher says, "You VERY resemble!"
The other David is drastically overweight and because of that more than anything, (probably), he has bad knees and walks with a cane. He can't make it up a flight of stairs without stopping to catch his breath and rest his knees. Not only that, he has a full head of RED hair, no beard, and he looks almost nothing like me. I don't claim to be in good shape but at least once a week I go for a 6 km. walk/run, sometimes 2 or 3 times a week! I make it up to the 4th floor every day without stopping. I am NOT as fat as the other David. And I don't much look like him either.
Basically the teacher was saying, "All you honkeys look the same to me." Like Peter from Family Guy when the family is on the lam in Asia town after springing Lois from prison. Did you see that one? There are Korean, Chinese, Japanese signs all over. And Peter is saying, "Hey it's Jackie Chan! Look it's Jackie Chan. What do you know! Jackie Chan!" to every passerby. That scene flashed through my mind. But I was prepared to let it slide. It's the Buddhist temperance I have developed from being here so many years. Things would have been fine if the teacher had left it at that. But Koreans rarely do. He says, "You very resemble! You both fat! Canadian all fat?"
Mantra! Mantra! Find your happy place. Focus on your power animal. The penguin in the cave. I don't think I was doing a very good job hiding whatever you call the "I would like to kill you" facial expression because he immediately said, "Oh not as fat as other David." Day late and a buck short buddy. "Don't you have lessons to plan or students to abuse?" I THOUGHT. I wanted to say it but I have retained some social graces in a country where they are seldom used.
Seojeong College is at the top of a hill, like most colleges in Korea. It takes 5 minutes to walk up or down the hill. David calls a taxi for the trip. Or he gets rides from students. Evidently he had been given a ride by this teacher at one point. I thought of trying to relate that to this teacher but decided to lie and say I had to get to class.
I got home after work and sat on my computer chair in front of my computer to check the hockey scores. I leaned back in my chair and 3 of the wheeled arms of its foundation simultaneously snapped and I was on my ass looking up at my computer from the floor. I am looking up at my computer as I type. I have my easy chair in front of the computer but it's a bit too close to the floor. I feel like a kid who needs a booster seat at the Thanksgiving table.
If you want to see my chair in the trash heap outside my apartment, here are a couple of links: http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r248/davoid13/Picture001.jpg
and http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r248/davoid13/Picture002.jpg
I don't know why but I can't post pictures on this blog any more. I used to be able to but now I can't. Not even from a url. If anyone knows why, please help!!
So, in conclusion, I think I'll go on a 6 k walk/jog. I'm taking this as a subtle message. As subtle as it gets in Korea anyway. See ya later.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Spiritual Punking
Have you ever lost, say, your keys and looked everywhere for them but couldn't find them? You were probably late for something because the odds of something frustrating like this happening increase exponentially with the importance of that which you are late for. I personally don't blame this on the imaginary Mr. Murphy. So you look for your keys under your couch cushions, in the bedroom, in the pants you wore the day before, in your jacket, under the couch cushions, in the bathroom, in the fridge, in the dog bowl, in the plants, under the couch cushions... and they don't turn up. Then, you find them - under the couch cushions. And you stand there and you say, "Okay, this is either God messing with me or I'm on Candid Camera and I don't see Allan Funt's ass anwhere! Nice one God! You nailed me good."
This is just one example of things that happen to me all the time that I know are supernatural. Very annoying things. Not pet peeves like hard to open milk cartons, eardrum shattering TV commercials or that winning combination of thin walls and loudly promiscuous neighbours. I'm talking about things that defy the odds so obviously that you can almost hear some kind of spirit around you laughing its ass off. Do spirits have asses? More intriguingly, do spirits fart? If so, how does it smell? At any rate, after these things happen to me, I try to convince myself to feel good. I think things like this happen to everyone from time to time. We feel anything but blessed while they are taking place, but I think we are blessed!
Let me splain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up: I am convinced that it is the only concrete, measurable influence the Almighty has on my life. While I believe there MAY have been some unseen help in emergencies and maybe even major decisions in my life, I don't think God has bothered with the humdrum of my life in any other way except to mess with me.
Today I did the dishes. I've said more than once that if I die and don't make it into Heaven, I'll be the dishwasher in a room full of mosquitoes in Hell. Probably my two least favourite things in the world. Mosquitoes and doing the dishes. Dishtime is the perfect time for anyone, or any mysterious being to screw with me. Before washing the dishes I had to clean the sink of course. I had left the dishes in the sink all weekend while visiting friends in Seoul. So it was a pretty grimy sink. But there was a Stain. A spaghetti starch Stain I think. This was the mother of all Stains. I scrubbed with a cloth, a sponge a scrubby and steel wool type stuff and it wouldn't come off. If I had had sandpaper, a wire wheel, or a fucking grinder it wouldn't have come off. I'm absolutely positive. I worked up a sweat scrubbing this Stain, talking to myself, cursing, swearing, yelling, and it wasn't even getting smaller! After scrubbing for about 5 or 10 minutes I stopped, threw my head back and said, "I am either on Punk'd or God is messing with me and I don't see Ashton Kuchar's ass anywhere!" He got me again! So I left the stain and did the dishes. Now there is a mark on the sink where the stain was, but the body of it has miraculously disappeared!
We roast people we love and respect. We play practical jokes on our friends. We lie to kids about Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy. We do magic tricks and act like we have special powers. We enjoy keeping secrets from people who are dying to find out. We love scaring people. We have enless humiliating initiation ceremonies. Sometimes we are a little bit cruel to people. Even people we love.
Don't tell me you've never seen someone burning ants with a magnifying glass; tearing the wings off a fly and watching it bounce around; catching 100 fireflies and squashing them all on the floor of a dark room; feeding a dog peanut butter and watching it try to lick it off the roof of its mouth; tying a piece of thread to an unconscious fly's neck so that it when the fly woke up and tried to fly away the thread was like a leash; cutting out one of a fish's eyes and watching it swim in a circle; feeding an airtight seagull a Drano sandwich and watching it explode as it flew away; tipping a sleeping cow; knocking on the glass of a fishbowl so all the fish freak out for half a second; putting a straw down a frog's throat and blowing air into its airtight body so that it was ballooned so much it couldn't swim; or something similar. You may have even tried one or more of the above.
Even though these things can be entertaining and all, you're really glad YOU are not the victim and you can't help feeling A) at least a little sorry for the victim and B) that the person messing with the victim is a bit of an asshole. Or maybe even C) that's so hilarious I'm gonna try it myself.
I think if I were the ultimate Creator I might enjoy teasing my creation and probably being cruel to them sometimes. I remember reading the book of Job and thinking, "What kind of God can be so cruel?" I had thoughts A and (oh the blasphemy!) B. And whether it's Job losing his livestock, home, wealth, family, health, friends, good name etc. etc, or me and my spaghetti stain, I think there is a mischievous spirit somewhere that has been doing stuff like this forever. I take heart in the fact that God tested Job because he was a good man. Maybe these spiritual punkings can be seen as a positive in that way. Bring 'em on! As long as there are paper plates and impregnable bug spray in Heaven, I can take it.
This is just one example of things that happen to me all the time that I know are supernatural. Very annoying things. Not pet peeves like hard to open milk cartons, eardrum shattering TV commercials or that winning combination of thin walls and loudly promiscuous neighbours. I'm talking about things that defy the odds so obviously that you can almost hear some kind of spirit around you laughing its ass off. Do spirits have asses? More intriguingly, do spirits fart? If so, how does it smell? At any rate, after these things happen to me, I try to convince myself to feel good. I think things like this happen to everyone from time to time. We feel anything but blessed while they are taking place, but I think we are blessed!
Let me splain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up: I am convinced that it is the only concrete, measurable influence the Almighty has on my life. While I believe there MAY have been some unseen help in emergencies and maybe even major decisions in my life, I don't think God has bothered with the humdrum of my life in any other way except to mess with me.
Today I did the dishes. I've said more than once that if I die and don't make it into Heaven, I'll be the dishwasher in a room full of mosquitoes in Hell. Probably my two least favourite things in the world. Mosquitoes and doing the dishes. Dishtime is the perfect time for anyone, or any mysterious being to screw with me. Before washing the dishes I had to clean the sink of course. I had left the dishes in the sink all weekend while visiting friends in Seoul. So it was a pretty grimy sink. But there was a Stain. A spaghetti starch Stain I think. This was the mother of all Stains. I scrubbed with a cloth, a sponge a scrubby and steel wool type stuff and it wouldn't come off. If I had had sandpaper, a wire wheel, or a fucking grinder it wouldn't have come off. I'm absolutely positive. I worked up a sweat scrubbing this Stain, talking to myself, cursing, swearing, yelling, and it wasn't even getting smaller! After scrubbing for about 5 or 10 minutes I stopped, threw my head back and said, "I am either on Punk'd or God is messing with me and I don't see Ashton Kuchar's ass anywhere!" He got me again! So I left the stain and did the dishes. Now there is a mark on the sink where the stain was, but the body of it has miraculously disappeared!
We roast people we love and respect. We play practical jokes on our friends. We lie to kids about Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy. We do magic tricks and act like we have special powers. We enjoy keeping secrets from people who are dying to find out. We love scaring people. We have enless humiliating initiation ceremonies. Sometimes we are a little bit cruel to people. Even people we love.
Don't tell me you've never seen someone burning ants with a magnifying glass; tearing the wings off a fly and watching it bounce around; catching 100 fireflies and squashing them all on the floor of a dark room; feeding a dog peanut butter and watching it try to lick it off the roof of its mouth; tying a piece of thread to an unconscious fly's neck so that it when the fly woke up and tried to fly away the thread was like a leash; cutting out one of a fish's eyes and watching it swim in a circle; feeding an airtight seagull a Drano sandwich and watching it explode as it flew away; tipping a sleeping cow; knocking on the glass of a fishbowl so all the fish freak out for half a second; putting a straw down a frog's throat and blowing air into its airtight body so that it was ballooned so much it couldn't swim; or something similar. You may have even tried one or more of the above.
Even though these things can be entertaining and all, you're really glad YOU are not the victim and you can't help feeling A) at least a little sorry for the victim and B) that the person messing with the victim is a bit of an asshole. Or maybe even C) that's so hilarious I'm gonna try it myself.
I think if I were the ultimate Creator I might enjoy teasing my creation and probably being cruel to them sometimes. I remember reading the book of Job and thinking, "What kind of God can be so cruel?" I had thoughts A and (oh the blasphemy!) B. And whether it's Job losing his livestock, home, wealth, family, health, friends, good name etc. etc, or me and my spaghetti stain, I think there is a mischievous spirit somewhere that has been doing stuff like this forever. I take heart in the fact that God tested Job because he was a good man. Maybe these spiritual punkings can be seen as a positive in that way. Bring 'em on! As long as there are paper plates and impregnable bug spray in Heaven, I can take it.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Feelin Haggard and Kinky
For the past few days I have been hearing all kinds of amazing factoids about Ted Haggard being one of the most influencial men in religion today. He has a huge following. His "New Life" church is gargantuan. He's been the head of the N.E.A., (an evangelical Christian group which represents 30 million people), for a few years; he's an active lobbyer in Washington; the subject of many magazine articles and TV interviews; a friend of President Bush... Even though he is powerful and well known, I had never heard of him. Until now.
I can guaran-damn-tee you he's got himself a "new life" now! If you haven't heard, he's been accused of sexual improprieties by his "mansseuse". The guy named "Jones", (eye roll, I won't touch that.), claims to have had drug-aided sexual escapades with Haggard. Haggard claims he DID buy chrystal meth but threw it away. He DID get a massage from the accuser but he didn't do the nasty with him. Well, who are you gonna believe, a middle-aged gay masseuse/hooker or an evangelical minister? That question would have been all but rhetorical 50 years ago. Over the years we've started questioning people we weren't supposed to question. Maybe doubting their honesty.
Aparently now it's unanimous: Jones wins. Of course it's unanimous! What the hell has Jones got left to lie about? I don't know from experience, but I'd guess that a homosexual, middle-aged male masseuse/hooker might be one of the more honest people in this whole crazy world! What I mean is he would be hard pressed to say anything, true or untrue, that would tarnish his reputation or endanger his livelihood. It's easy for him to be honest.
But you take a guy and put him in a position like church leader or politician and now he's got to convince us of his cleanliness. Why do we do that? I think that's weird. Take Clinton as an example. I liked him so much better after the Lewinsky affair. He was more human. He lied about it and got busted. I don't think it hurt his presidential performance at all.
To allude to TV, (as I am wont to do), on a recent episode of The War at Home the father asks his daughter if she has finished her homework. She lies and the father gets upset. He says he's not mad because she lied, but he's concerned that she lied so badly. How is she ever going to survive in this world if she's such a bad liar?! It's funny because it's true. We're all a bunch of liars trying to subvert our instincts and portray ourselves as something other than the animals we are.
I'm not trying to say good for Haggard for getting hopped up and jacked up and, (fake well), just UP on chrystal meth and probably Viagra and spending the whole night.....geeuuuuhhhheeeuuuwwww. Gives me the willies. Uh, bad choice of words. Okay new paragraph.
But, what I am saying is if I go to a church or support a political party I don't want the representative thereof to appear clean cut and pure as the driven snow because then I'll just KNOW he's a fake. I think I'd probably vote for a guy like Kinky Friedman if I were American or even just a Texan. He's a mystery novelist. He's a musician. He's a cowboy. He's a NASCAR owner and enthusiast. He's a cigar, and probably a pot smoker. And I think his slogan is "Why the hell not?" One of his songs is called "Ride 'em Jewboy." Just look at the guy! I mean, do you think HE has to lie? And one comment he made almost instantly won me over. He said that politics is easy to get if you just look at the word. "Poli" means more than one and "tics" are blood sucking parasites. I'm sure it wasn't invented by him but that comment will probably win him lots of votes.
My point is that we've been Haggardized, (sorry), by so many bastards in business suits over the years, why do we keep putting these phonies in positions of leadership? Are we really so Disneyized to believe that the good guys all have perfect teeth and impeccable hygiene?
Here's a quote from, (gasp-not from TV!), a Chuck Palahniuk book I recently read: "You've never seen a fat Jesus or a Jesus with body hair. Every crucifix you've ever seen the Jesus could be shirtless and modeling designer jeans or men's cologne." Of course the implication is that Jesus has just been made to LOOK good because we are so conditioned to believe that if a person doesn't LOOK good he can't BE good. I bet most Bible scholars and people who have studied Biblical times and places would probably picture Jesus looking a lot more Kinky and a lot less Haggard. And Jesus was a pretty good leader even if he WASN'T good looking. Maybe he was better BECAUSE he wasn't good looking! Who knows? I wonder if they had like the Gallilean Enquirer reporters trying to dig up dirt on Jesus.
Anyhoo, I digress. Good luck to Kinky. And what the hell, good luck to Haggard too on his new life. All he did was a little illicit drug and sexual exploration. It doesn't make him the anti-christ. In fact he'd probably be a better preacher now than ever. He could be more honest. He could speak about sin from a standpoint of experience. So what is happening to him? Of course, he's being forced to resign. Bring on the next phoney. Sigh.
I can guaran-damn-tee you he's got himself a "new life" now! If you haven't heard, he's been accused of sexual improprieties by his "mansseuse". The guy named "Jones", (eye roll, I won't touch that.), claims to have had drug-aided sexual escapades with Haggard. Haggard claims he DID buy chrystal meth but threw it away. He DID get a massage from the accuser but he didn't do the nasty with him. Well, who are you gonna believe, a middle-aged gay masseuse/hooker or an evangelical minister? That question would have been all but rhetorical 50 years ago. Over the years we've started questioning people we weren't supposed to question. Maybe doubting their honesty.
Aparently now it's unanimous: Jones wins. Of course it's unanimous! What the hell has Jones got left to lie about? I don't know from experience, but I'd guess that a homosexual, middle-aged male masseuse/hooker might be one of the more honest people in this whole crazy world! What I mean is he would be hard pressed to say anything, true or untrue, that would tarnish his reputation or endanger his livelihood. It's easy for him to be honest.
But you take a guy and put him in a position like church leader or politician and now he's got to convince us of his cleanliness. Why do we do that? I think that's weird. Take Clinton as an example. I liked him so much better after the Lewinsky affair. He was more human. He lied about it and got busted. I don't think it hurt his presidential performance at all.
To allude to TV, (as I am wont to do), on a recent episode of The War at Home the father asks his daughter if she has finished her homework. She lies and the father gets upset. He says he's not mad because she lied, but he's concerned that she lied so badly. How is she ever going to survive in this world if she's such a bad liar?! It's funny because it's true. We're all a bunch of liars trying to subvert our instincts and portray ourselves as something other than the animals we are.
I'm not trying to say good for Haggard for getting hopped up and jacked up and, (fake well), just UP on chrystal meth and probably Viagra and spending the whole night.....geeuuuuhhhheeeuuuwwww. Gives me the willies. Uh, bad choice of words. Okay new paragraph.
But, what I am saying is if I go to a church or support a political party I don't want the representative thereof to appear clean cut and pure as the driven snow because then I'll just KNOW he's a fake. I think I'd probably vote for a guy like Kinky Friedman if I were American or even just a Texan. He's a mystery novelist. He's a musician. He's a cowboy. He's a NASCAR owner and enthusiast. He's a cigar, and probably a pot smoker. And I think his slogan is "Why the hell not?" One of his songs is called "Ride 'em Jewboy." Just look at the guy! I mean, do you think HE has to lie? And one comment he made almost instantly won me over. He said that politics is easy to get if you just look at the word. "Poli" means more than one and "tics" are blood sucking parasites. I'm sure it wasn't invented by him but that comment will probably win him lots of votes.
My point is that we've been Haggardized, (sorry), by so many bastards in business suits over the years, why do we keep putting these phonies in positions of leadership? Are we really so Disneyized to believe that the good guys all have perfect teeth and impeccable hygiene?
Here's a quote from, (gasp-not from TV!), a Chuck Palahniuk book I recently read: "You've never seen a fat Jesus or a Jesus with body hair. Every crucifix you've ever seen the Jesus could be shirtless and modeling designer jeans or men's cologne." Of course the implication is that Jesus has just been made to LOOK good because we are so conditioned to believe that if a person doesn't LOOK good he can't BE good. I bet most Bible scholars and people who have studied Biblical times and places would probably picture Jesus looking a lot more Kinky and a lot less Haggard. And Jesus was a pretty good leader even if he WASN'T good looking. Maybe he was better BECAUSE he wasn't good looking! Who knows? I wonder if they had like the Gallilean Enquirer reporters trying to dig up dirt on Jesus.
Anyhoo, I digress. Good luck to Kinky. And what the hell, good luck to Haggard too on his new life. All he did was a little illicit drug and sexual exploration. It doesn't make him the anti-christ. In fact he'd probably be a better preacher now than ever. He could be more honest. He could speak about sin from a standpoint of experience. So what is happening to him? Of course, he's being forced to resign. Bring on the next phoney. Sigh.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
She Blinded Me With Slience
The following entry is based almost entirely on theory, conjecture, and the unknown and should be regarded as such.
Imagine as far back as you can. To the very beginning. Impossible. Because it's not only as abstract as abstract can be, it involves thinking of nothingness or infinity, both of which are impossible for us to wrap our feeble brains around. Right about now there are some subscribers to the most popular religion in the world: Slience that are getting their hackles up. They're hackling right up. Put your hackles away and listen to reason. But first let me explain Slience.
The word "Slience" sort of looks like science but it isn't. And it has a "lie" right in the heart of it. Our world is rife with Slience. It's overrun with it to the point that any Regan Burns can spout any scientific babble to any unsuspecting subject and get them to believe. We are becoming oblivious to Slience. Maybe through mutation we have developed a gene that allows us to believe in stuff we know absolutely nothing about and never will. Or maybe it is just faith. Either way, whether we do it scientifically or religiously, we do it. This isn't much of an explanation yet but I've sort of started in medias res, put the cart before the horse, started somewhere past the beginning. So let's get back to the "beginning" shall we?
One of the great mysteries of life is the beginning. But not to me. A greater mystery is how so many arguments and debates and wars could have come from it. It's so blatantly simple to me that we are never going to know. Give up for the love of (I don't want to take sides here) Pete! It's a ludicrous argument between creationism and evolution or Darwinism or the Big Bang or whatever the alternative is called because, BOTH arguments are based on faith. That is both arguments can be rendered spurious; can be effectively disproved in EXACTLY the same way. If God created the universe, where did God come from? We'll never get that. Either God always existed, which we cannot ever understand, or He/She was created from nothing, which we cannot understand. But if you prefer the idea of a universe that came from a swirling of matter into an intense point from which a huge creative explosion resulted, the identical question must be asked: where did that matter come from? It either existed forever or it was created from nothing. Both conceptions of the beginning are false because neither is really the beginning. Both start in the middle. In medias res.
Ever try to think of nothing? It's impossible to even think of nothing. Buddhist monks will tell you they can but they're Sliers. Lots of people believe them though. I've heard it said that if you ever train your mind to actually think of nothing, the second you achieve that feat, you die. But that's pretty hard to prove.
Now try to think of infinity. That's impossible too. "You're stupid to the millionth power." "Well YOU'RE stupid to the gozillionth power!" "You're stupid to the googleth power!" "YOU'RE stupid to the infinity power!" "Well YOU'RE stupid to the infinity and one th power!" "Well YOU'RE stupid to the infinity and millionth power!" Hmmmm. Maybe it's NOT impossible.
Imagine the final number arrived at in the above debate. That number is Q. It's a number so huge that it can't be written. Now imagine a huge junkyard with a piece of everything known to man inside it. A big tornado hits this junkyard and stuff flies around and when the tornado moves on or dissipates, a perfectly built 747 jet is left behind. The odds of this happening are probably 10 to the Qth power. As near as makes absolutely no difference to ME, it's impossible. Even one nut screwing onto one bolt in a storm seems highly unlikely to me. But I would guess that the odds of the Big Bang happening randomly, without any intelligent creation, are probably 10 to the Qth power LESS likely than the junkyard 747. Which makes it even easier for me to call it impossible. But so many people believe it to be possible! This is not very scientific thinking if you ask me. It looks more like religious thinking. How can anyone believe this without a little bit of faith? Come on scientists, you all know I'm right! You are BELIEVERS! Even though it's the scariest thing in the world to a true scientist, they have FAITH! Therefore the basis of all science, the beginning, is rooted in faith.
The same can be said for creationists. Nobody can be sure God created the world. It's something we believe through faith. I admit, I am a creationist. My God is the Prime Mover. Either He/She is infinite or came from nothing. I am comfortable knowing that I will never understand my God. But I still believe. For an evolutionist, I suppose you have faith in everlasting, or immaculately created dust or dirt or whatever that matter was at the beginning. And HEY, it is said by creationists that everything was created by God from dirt, including man, and everything will return to dirt. How different are the arguments when it really comes down to it? They're pretty much the same. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. We're all just Dust In The Wind. Be Excellent to Each Other.
Now about this Slience. It's the same as what I've just explained. People call it Science but they really don't know, they just believe. It's everywhere. Watch any talk show. "He killed his family because he was raped as a child and was psychologically incapable of feeling love." That sentence has more faith in it than the Lord's Prayer. But it will be treated in court as science. The defendant will be sent to a hospital, not a jail, on the basis of this Slience.
The TV show 20/20 are champions of Slience. I saw one show where they were talking about how racist young kids are. They went into a kindergarten or grade school classroom and showed the kids two pictures. One of a man with a white turban and white clothes, a beard, not particularly good looking, not smiling, talking on a cell phone. Another of an Asian guy out of the pages of GQ with an Armani suit, fashionable hair, smiling kindly, good looking, together, perfect teeth, and talking on a cell phone. Then they asked the kids questions about the pictures. "What do you think of this guy?" (the turban wearing fella) The kids thought he wasn't nice. One kid said he thought he looked weird. But they all thought the Asian guy was nice. They asked what they might be talking about and some other questions and the answers were overwhelmingly in favour of the Asian picture. So 20/20 concluded that kids are racist. They went on talking about childhood racism matter-of-factly as if they had just proved it beyond a doubt. I was watching with a friend and I said something like, "What the fuck? Disney has more to do with their answers than racism. Way to project our evils onto the innocent 20/20!" My co-watcher, who had just swallowed the Slience whole, said, "Oh yeah. You're right." And she started to think. Question. Something we are too uninclined to do about things we are told are "scientific" nowadays.
THIS is Slience, my friends and since a majority of it is based in abstract belief and faith, it IS a religion. And it's sweeping the nation. Watch for it. It's coming to a TV, radio, classroom, or soapbox near you.
Imagine as far back as you can. To the very beginning. Impossible. Because it's not only as abstract as abstract can be, it involves thinking of nothingness or infinity, both of which are impossible for us to wrap our feeble brains around. Right about now there are some subscribers to the most popular religion in the world: Slience that are getting their hackles up. They're hackling right up. Put your hackles away and listen to reason. But first let me explain Slience.
The word "Slience" sort of looks like science but it isn't. And it has a "lie" right in the heart of it. Our world is rife with Slience. It's overrun with it to the point that any Regan Burns can spout any scientific babble to any unsuspecting subject and get them to believe. We are becoming oblivious to Slience. Maybe through mutation we have developed a gene that allows us to believe in stuff we know absolutely nothing about and never will. Or maybe it is just faith. Either way, whether we do it scientifically or religiously, we do it. This isn't much of an explanation yet but I've sort of started in medias res, put the cart before the horse, started somewhere past the beginning. So let's get back to the "beginning" shall we?
One of the great mysteries of life is the beginning. But not to me. A greater mystery is how so many arguments and debates and wars could have come from it. It's so blatantly simple to me that we are never going to know. Give up for the love of (I don't want to take sides here) Pete! It's a ludicrous argument between creationism and evolution or Darwinism or the Big Bang or whatever the alternative is called because, BOTH arguments are based on faith. That is both arguments can be rendered spurious; can be effectively disproved in EXACTLY the same way. If God created the universe, where did God come from? We'll never get that. Either God always existed, which we cannot ever understand, or He/She was created from nothing, which we cannot understand. But if you prefer the idea of a universe that came from a swirling of matter into an intense point from which a huge creative explosion resulted, the identical question must be asked: where did that matter come from? It either existed forever or it was created from nothing. Both conceptions of the beginning are false because neither is really the beginning. Both start in the middle. In medias res.
Ever try to think of nothing? It's impossible to even think of nothing. Buddhist monks will tell you they can but they're Sliers. Lots of people believe them though. I've heard it said that if you ever train your mind to actually think of nothing, the second you achieve that feat, you die. But that's pretty hard to prove.
Now try to think of infinity. That's impossible too. "You're stupid to the millionth power." "Well YOU'RE stupid to the gozillionth power!" "You're stupid to the googleth power!" "YOU'RE stupid to the infinity power!" "Well YOU'RE stupid to the infinity and one th power!" "Well YOU'RE stupid to the infinity and millionth power!" Hmmmm. Maybe it's NOT impossible.
Imagine the final number arrived at in the above debate. That number is Q. It's a number so huge that it can't be written. Now imagine a huge junkyard with a piece of everything known to man inside it. A big tornado hits this junkyard and stuff flies around and when the tornado moves on or dissipates, a perfectly built 747 jet is left behind. The odds of this happening are probably 10 to the Qth power. As near as makes absolutely no difference to ME, it's impossible. Even one nut screwing onto one bolt in a storm seems highly unlikely to me. But I would guess that the odds of the Big Bang happening randomly, without any intelligent creation, are probably 10 to the Qth power LESS likely than the junkyard 747. Which makes it even easier for me to call it impossible. But so many people believe it to be possible! This is not very scientific thinking if you ask me. It looks more like religious thinking. How can anyone believe this without a little bit of faith? Come on scientists, you all know I'm right! You are BELIEVERS! Even though it's the scariest thing in the world to a true scientist, they have FAITH! Therefore the basis of all science, the beginning, is rooted in faith.
The same can be said for creationists. Nobody can be sure God created the world. It's something we believe through faith. I admit, I am a creationist. My God is the Prime Mover. Either He/She is infinite or came from nothing. I am comfortable knowing that I will never understand my God. But I still believe. For an evolutionist, I suppose you have faith in everlasting, or immaculately created dust or dirt or whatever that matter was at the beginning. And HEY, it is said by creationists that everything was created by God from dirt, including man, and everything will return to dirt. How different are the arguments when it really comes down to it? They're pretty much the same. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. We're all just Dust In The Wind. Be Excellent to Each Other.
Now about this Slience. It's the same as what I've just explained. People call it Science but they really don't know, they just believe. It's everywhere. Watch any talk show. "He killed his family because he was raped as a child and was psychologically incapable of feeling love." That sentence has more faith in it than the Lord's Prayer. But it will be treated in court as science. The defendant will be sent to a hospital, not a jail, on the basis of this Slience.
The TV show 20/20 are champions of Slience. I saw one show where they were talking about how racist young kids are. They went into a kindergarten or grade school classroom and showed the kids two pictures. One of a man with a white turban and white clothes, a beard, not particularly good looking, not smiling, talking on a cell phone. Another of an Asian guy out of the pages of GQ with an Armani suit, fashionable hair, smiling kindly, good looking, together, perfect teeth, and talking on a cell phone. Then they asked the kids questions about the pictures. "What do you think of this guy?" (the turban wearing fella) The kids thought he wasn't nice. One kid said he thought he looked weird. But they all thought the Asian guy was nice. They asked what they might be talking about and some other questions and the answers were overwhelmingly in favour of the Asian picture. So 20/20 concluded that kids are racist. They went on talking about childhood racism matter-of-factly as if they had just proved it beyond a doubt. I was watching with a friend and I said something like, "What the fuck? Disney has more to do with their answers than racism. Way to project our evils onto the innocent 20/20!" My co-watcher, who had just swallowed the Slience whole, said, "Oh yeah. You're right." And she started to think. Question. Something we are too uninclined to do about things we are told are "scientific" nowadays.
THIS is Slience, my friends and since a majority of it is based in abstract belief and faith, it IS a religion. And it's sweeping the nation. Watch for it. It's coming to a TV, radio, classroom, or soapbox near you.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Strange Things Are Afoot In The ROK
Well, I'm back from a two-week break for Korean Thanksgiving, (Chuseok). It was a couple of whacky weeks! I went to Yong In and met my friends Scott, Min Ju and their boy, Alex at Everland. Amusement was slowed slightly by a small boy and pregnant woman but I think I had enough fun for my aging amusement park taste. I still went on the freakiest ride in the park. I don't know what it was called but it shoulda been called "The Ball Crusher". It was one of those rides where there's a long cylindrical seating area where about 40 or 50 people sit and it spins while the whole ride also rotates. We did 5 spins in a row one time I think. Only Scott and I went on of course. Small, hard plastic seating area, and pretty intense g-force from the dual spinage. I give it two thumbs up but I shoulda worn a cup. But it wasn't half the adventure that getting there was. I live what looks to be about 1 or 2 hours away from Everland on the map but it took me at least 6 hours to get there with the "convenient" bus system here. I won't get into that.
Next it was off to Pyeong Taek for a couple days to visit Scott's family. We had a round of golf simulation and a barbecue. It was great.
Then I went to Seoul to visit Heather and Mike. We took the kiddies to see Open Season, a new Disney flick. I really liked it. Thumbs up. It was on the US base so I got to put as much buttery flavoured topping on my popcorn as I wanted and got a HUGE, blue, raspberry slushie to go with it. I think I was so buzzed on sugar from that I would have liked ANY movie. The whole experience got a blue toothed smile from me. I can't remember the last time I went to a real theater.
I did some shopping around Seoul and had some really weird experiences. Seoul is getting weird. One night in my hotel I was awakened at 3 am by a phone call. It was just someone saying hello. So I hung up. Then the same person called back and asked what room I was in. The person said, "I am Korean woman," but if at any time in the past this person had been a woman I wasn't convinced by the voice I heard. I didn't divulge my room number. In fact I got up and locked my door.
On Saturday night I went to Woodstock, my favourite bar in I Tae Won. It was jam packed. I couldn't find a seat. Woodstock is NEVER packed. I usually sit in the same seat. They call me Norm for crying out loud. So I didn't stay. Two days later it was empty. Just me and a much too friendly Korean guy listening to an outstanding Filipino band called Infinity. I bought lotsa tequila shots for the band and we had a really good time. I sat in my favourite seat too.
The following Monday was Canadian Thanksgiving and the alleged nuclear test in N. Korea. Heather, bless her heart, cooked a massive Thanksgiving turkey dinner and invited me and Uncle Darryl, (her brother who is in the military), over. The dinner was great and we watched the movie Crash afterwards. Again, thumbs WAY up.
The next day I was out to get a sub from Subway and I saw a commotion on the street on the way. Some shop owner was selling assorted hip hop clothes for 1000 won each. That's like a buck! I got a nice Sean John shirt and a pair of jean shorts for 2 bucks! I guess maybe they fell off the back of a passing truck or something. ???
I got back to my home town for Friday the 13th. I had to proctor an exam for my skin and hair students. It was chaos. They all cheated their asses off and still failed. Par for the course. Sigh.
When I went to bed the night of Friday the 13th another strange thing happened to me. I had been reading a book I bought at Kyobo Book store while I was in Seoul called "Haunted". It's a great book. Yet again a hearty thumbs up! I shut off the lights to go to bed and I saw a green glowing blur in my apartment. I didn't have my glasses on so I had no idea what it was. I thought maybe it was just the scary book doing things to my mind but as I got closer to the green, glowing globule, it didn't disappear. It turns out the cover of that book glows in the dark. Ha ha ha! That was weird but in a cool way.
Then on the next day I was walking down the street and a guy pulled over in his car. I didn't recognize the guy but he just leaned over and looked out the passenger window at me. I was pretty sure he could have found a more viable source for directions. I just waited for him to say something. He didn't. So I said, "Hello?" He just grinned creepily and asked in Korean if I was American. I told him in Korean that I was Canadian. He said, "Oh Canada!" Then he just grinned. We had a long lull in our roadside conversation. What was his deal? Was he trying to get a drive-thru English lesson? Was he an early strike North Korean hitman trying to take out a few American soldiers before the main assault? Couldn't have been, his car was too expensive. Come to think of it, his voice sounded very similar to the 3 am phone caller. (shudder) Anyway, I saw a taxi, flagged it down and got the hell away from the guy.
Then today I got into a cab to go to work because I woke up too late to catch the bus. The cab driver is an old guy who has commented on how much he likes my beard several times in the past. I asked him in Korean if he had a good Chuseok. He said he did. Then he launched into a speech, complete with a couple dangerous pivots to get a better look at me when he should have been watching the road, about how handsome my beard is. I didn't say anything for the rest of the ride.
What gives? What's the old saying, "Unlucky in love, lucky in cards?" Maybe it goes for movies, shopping and Filipino bands too. I dunno. Just ONE time I'd like to hear a WOMAN comment on how much she likes my beard! Oh well, even though I may be irresistable to gay, Korean men, I ain't shaving any time soon.
Next it was off to Pyeong Taek for a couple days to visit Scott's family. We had a round of golf simulation and a barbecue. It was great.
Then I went to Seoul to visit Heather and Mike. We took the kiddies to see Open Season, a new Disney flick. I really liked it. Thumbs up. It was on the US base so I got to put as much buttery flavoured topping on my popcorn as I wanted and got a HUGE, blue, raspberry slushie to go with it. I think I was so buzzed on sugar from that I would have liked ANY movie. The whole experience got a blue toothed smile from me. I can't remember the last time I went to a real theater.
I did some shopping around Seoul and had some really weird experiences. Seoul is getting weird. One night in my hotel I was awakened at 3 am by a phone call. It was just someone saying hello. So I hung up. Then the same person called back and asked what room I was in. The person said, "I am Korean woman," but if at any time in the past this person had been a woman I wasn't convinced by the voice I heard. I didn't divulge my room number. In fact I got up and locked my door.
On Saturday night I went to Woodstock, my favourite bar in I Tae Won. It was jam packed. I couldn't find a seat. Woodstock is NEVER packed. I usually sit in the same seat. They call me Norm for crying out loud. So I didn't stay. Two days later it was empty. Just me and a much too friendly Korean guy listening to an outstanding Filipino band called Infinity. I bought lotsa tequila shots for the band and we had a really good time. I sat in my favourite seat too.
The following Monday was Canadian Thanksgiving and the alleged nuclear test in N. Korea. Heather, bless her heart, cooked a massive Thanksgiving turkey dinner and invited me and Uncle Darryl, (her brother who is in the military), over. The dinner was great and we watched the movie Crash afterwards. Again, thumbs WAY up.
The next day I was out to get a sub from Subway and I saw a commotion on the street on the way. Some shop owner was selling assorted hip hop clothes for 1000 won each. That's like a buck! I got a nice Sean John shirt and a pair of jean shorts for 2 bucks! I guess maybe they fell off the back of a passing truck or something. ???
I got back to my home town for Friday the 13th. I had to proctor an exam for my skin and hair students. It was chaos. They all cheated their asses off and still failed. Par for the course. Sigh.
When I went to bed the night of Friday the 13th another strange thing happened to me. I had been reading a book I bought at Kyobo Book store while I was in Seoul called "Haunted". It's a great book. Yet again a hearty thumbs up! I shut off the lights to go to bed and I saw a green glowing blur in my apartment. I didn't have my glasses on so I had no idea what it was. I thought maybe it was just the scary book doing things to my mind but as I got closer to the green, glowing globule, it didn't disappear. It turns out the cover of that book glows in the dark. Ha ha ha! That was weird but in a cool way.
Then on the next day I was walking down the street and a guy pulled over in his car. I didn't recognize the guy but he just leaned over and looked out the passenger window at me. I was pretty sure he could have found a more viable source for directions. I just waited for him to say something. He didn't. So I said, "Hello?" He just grinned creepily and asked in Korean if I was American. I told him in Korean that I was Canadian. He said, "Oh Canada!" Then he just grinned. We had a long lull in our roadside conversation. What was his deal? Was he trying to get a drive-thru English lesson? Was he an early strike North Korean hitman trying to take out a few American soldiers before the main assault? Couldn't have been, his car was too expensive. Come to think of it, his voice sounded very similar to the 3 am phone caller. (shudder) Anyway, I saw a taxi, flagged it down and got the hell away from the guy.
Then today I got into a cab to go to work because I woke up too late to catch the bus. The cab driver is an old guy who has commented on how much he likes my beard several times in the past. I asked him in Korean if he had a good Chuseok. He said he did. Then he launched into a speech, complete with a couple dangerous pivots to get a better look at me when he should have been watching the road, about how handsome my beard is. I didn't say anything for the rest of the ride.
What gives? What's the old saying, "Unlucky in love, lucky in cards?" Maybe it goes for movies, shopping and Filipino bands too. I dunno. Just ONE time I'd like to hear a WOMAN comment on how much she likes my beard! Oh well, even though I may be irresistable to gay, Korean men, I ain't shaving any time soon.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
I know I said in my last entry that loving one's country is good. And I don't want to do away with national anthems being sung at sporting events, but come on! Isn't it going a bit too far these days? I am watching "Pride" right now on TV. It's one of the many full contact fighting organizations that have become so popular. The final in this tourney is between a guy from America and a guy from Upper Slobovia or someplace like that. Like most of these big full contact events, it is being held in Japan. So why the hell did everybody go silent and put their hands on their hearts while the U.S. and Upper Slobovian national anthems were played? Evidently the two combattants wish to break each other's bones, slap each other silly, make each other bleed, ideally knock the other out or make him submit...for the glorification of their countries. Then immediately following the fight, the victor will thank God for allowing him to go Old Testament all over the other guy's ass.
The Slobovian beat the American if you care. The American guy tapped out ostensibly to pick one of his eyeballs off the canvas. What a great county Slobovia is! I must go there someday. To the upper part anyway.
I just chatted with my brother. He lives in Ohio now. He's all excited about going to the Columbus Blue Jackets' opening day game against the Vancouver Canucks. Before they face off, the U.S. and Canadian national anthems will both be played. Although hockey has taken the place of lacrosse as Canada's true national sport, this doesn't make much more sense than singing before the Pride fight. In fact it might make less sense when you consider how many Americans/Canadians play for the two teams. The Canucks have 11 actual Canucks on their roster, which is over half their players, so it kinda makes a bit of sense to play the Canadian anthem for them. But how does that make the 4 Swedes, 2 Fins, 2 Czechs and 2 Americans feel?
On the other hand it makes absolutely no sense to play the American national anthem for the Blue Jackets. They have 5 guys from the States on their team. 5 Czechs, 3 Russians, 3 Swedes and also 11 Canadians.
If you do some research you'll find that the make-up of most NHL teams is similar to these two. I don't see any more purpose in the national anthem than I do in, say, throwing salt into the ring before a sumo match. But I guess it's tradition. And if you absolutely MUST sing a national anthem before such a fiercely nationalistic action as a professional hockey game, then it really should be the Canadian national anthem only, shouldn't it?
I guess my point, the gist of my message, the summation of my ramblings, the central message here, the destination to my journey, the consummation to my intercourse, ahem would be why do we have to hear the U.S. national anthem so often even though there seems to be no real purpose for it? Admittedly in baseball, basketball or football the majority of players are American, but still, what is the connection between national pride and sports? Why was the national anthem sung in the first place and why do we still do it today? Is it just tradition? I think it's probably more than that.
I was recently watching Jay Leno and on Jay Walking he asked some people to sing the U.S. national anthem. I was shocked at how few of them knew it. And Jay said he didn't just pick the dumb ones to put on the show, he showed them all. I think there was one guy out of about 10 who sung it right. He and Jay sung it together and at the end they both said, "Play ball!" I could sing the U.S. national anthem word for word. Only because I watch sports.
I got to thinking. I do that sometimes. Usually about things as inane as this. Who would benefit from keeping sports fans nationalistic? Why are they forcing us to show our national pride at sporting events when we don't even do it in schools any more. Then it hit me. Like a Junior Seau tackle. Like a Gordie Howe elbow. Like a Nolan Ryan fastball. Like a Shaquille O'Neal backboard shattering dunk.
Think about the people you generally get at sporting events. I mean aside from Canuck or Leaf games, which only corporate types and millionaires can afford now. I mean most other sporting events. I guess I'm talking about U.S. sporting events. What kind of folks show up for the games? Tailgate barbecuers, face and body painters, shirt removers, nacho eaters and beer chuggers. The down to earth people. Not many members of MENSA. Not many desk jockeys or pencil pushers. Not many socialites sipping champagne. Not many, (to use a term George Bush Jr. favours), "haves".
A lot of the people in the stands have physical jobs. A lot of them understand teamwork. A lot of them have actually played the sport they are watching and still do as an excuse to quench their thirsts with the boys afterwards. A lot of them are still in good physical shape. Almost all of them know the national anthem. They are good at marching in large, neat groups to their seats. Most of them are with their teams win or lose. They're behind them no matter what. They don't understand everything behind the coaches' decisions to trade players or sit them on the bench but they trust the coach. They may complain a bit but they trust the coach. Their's is not to reason why. Their's is but to cheer or die!
Soldiers! Perfect military training! These are the people who are best suited to defend the "haves" in times of war. Forget "haves", I'm gonna call them what they are: Big Brother. Big Brother is training you sports fans. Think about it. In most sports there are techniques that translate beautifully into wartime strategies or assaults on the enemy. Some sports terms actually COME from war. The "blitz" for example. Long bomb. Defence. Launch an offensive. In the trenches. There are too many to list.
How easy would it be to replace that beer dispensing hoser hat with a kevlar helmet? Or that number one foamy finger with a rifle? Or that face paint with camouflage? Or that coach with the President?
So now you know American sports fans. Even though you're not in the military, you are being trained for it. Like it or not, you are a lean, (okay maybe not as lean as you once were), mean, fighting machine primed and ready to be used just in case. Your sports teams are forcing you to sing the national anthem to sharpen your nationalistic fighting edge. To make sure the red, white and blue isn't fading. Here's what I have to say about that: Oh say can you see, by the dawn's early light what so proudly we hail at the twilight's last gleaming.... What are you gonna do, change the game???
The Slobovian beat the American if you care. The American guy tapped out ostensibly to pick one of his eyeballs off the canvas. What a great county Slobovia is! I must go there someday. To the upper part anyway.
I just chatted with my brother. He lives in Ohio now. He's all excited about going to the Columbus Blue Jackets' opening day game against the Vancouver Canucks. Before they face off, the U.S. and Canadian national anthems will both be played. Although hockey has taken the place of lacrosse as Canada's true national sport, this doesn't make much more sense than singing before the Pride fight. In fact it might make less sense when you consider how many Americans/Canadians play for the two teams. The Canucks have 11 actual Canucks on their roster, which is over half their players, so it kinda makes a bit of sense to play the Canadian anthem for them. But how does that make the 4 Swedes, 2 Fins, 2 Czechs and 2 Americans feel?
On the other hand it makes absolutely no sense to play the American national anthem for the Blue Jackets. They have 5 guys from the States on their team. 5 Czechs, 3 Russians, 3 Swedes and also 11 Canadians.
If you do some research you'll find that the make-up of most NHL teams is similar to these two. I don't see any more purpose in the national anthem than I do in, say, throwing salt into the ring before a sumo match. But I guess it's tradition. And if you absolutely MUST sing a national anthem before such a fiercely nationalistic action as a professional hockey game, then it really should be the Canadian national anthem only, shouldn't it?
I guess my point, the gist of my message, the summation of my ramblings, the central message here, the destination to my journey, the consummation to my intercourse, ahem would be why do we have to hear the U.S. national anthem so often even though there seems to be no real purpose for it? Admittedly in baseball, basketball or football the majority of players are American, but still, what is the connection between national pride and sports? Why was the national anthem sung in the first place and why do we still do it today? Is it just tradition? I think it's probably more than that.
I was recently watching Jay Leno and on Jay Walking he asked some people to sing the U.S. national anthem. I was shocked at how few of them knew it. And Jay said he didn't just pick the dumb ones to put on the show, he showed them all. I think there was one guy out of about 10 who sung it right. He and Jay sung it together and at the end they both said, "Play ball!" I could sing the U.S. national anthem word for word. Only because I watch sports.
I got to thinking. I do that sometimes. Usually about things as inane as this. Who would benefit from keeping sports fans nationalistic? Why are they forcing us to show our national pride at sporting events when we don't even do it in schools any more. Then it hit me. Like a Junior Seau tackle. Like a Gordie Howe elbow. Like a Nolan Ryan fastball. Like a Shaquille O'Neal backboard shattering dunk.
Think about the people you generally get at sporting events. I mean aside from Canuck or Leaf games, which only corporate types and millionaires can afford now. I mean most other sporting events. I guess I'm talking about U.S. sporting events. What kind of folks show up for the games? Tailgate barbecuers, face and body painters, shirt removers, nacho eaters and beer chuggers. The down to earth people. Not many members of MENSA. Not many desk jockeys or pencil pushers. Not many socialites sipping champagne. Not many, (to use a term George Bush Jr. favours), "haves".
A lot of the people in the stands have physical jobs. A lot of them understand teamwork. A lot of them have actually played the sport they are watching and still do as an excuse to quench their thirsts with the boys afterwards. A lot of them are still in good physical shape. Almost all of them know the national anthem. They are good at marching in large, neat groups to their seats. Most of them are with their teams win or lose. They're behind them no matter what. They don't understand everything behind the coaches' decisions to trade players or sit them on the bench but they trust the coach. They may complain a bit but they trust the coach. Their's is not to reason why. Their's is but to cheer or die!
Soldiers! Perfect military training! These are the people who are best suited to defend the "haves" in times of war. Forget "haves", I'm gonna call them what they are: Big Brother. Big Brother is training you sports fans. Think about it. In most sports there are techniques that translate beautifully into wartime strategies or assaults on the enemy. Some sports terms actually COME from war. The "blitz" for example. Long bomb. Defence. Launch an offensive. In the trenches. There are too many to list.
How easy would it be to replace that beer dispensing hoser hat with a kevlar helmet? Or that number one foamy finger with a rifle? Or that face paint with camouflage? Or that coach with the President?
So now you know American sports fans. Even though you're not in the military, you are being trained for it. Like it or not, you are a lean, (okay maybe not as lean as you once were), mean, fighting machine primed and ready to be used just in case. Your sports teams are forcing you to sing the national anthem to sharpen your nationalistic fighting edge. To make sure the red, white and blue isn't fading. Here's what I have to say about that: Oh say can you see, by the dawn's early light what so proudly we hail at the twilight's last gleaming.... What are you gonna do, change the game???
Saturday, September 02, 2006
Late Night Monologue
Another week, another few dollars. Well John Mark Karr isn't guilty! What a surprise that is! This is one of the very few times I wish I had a wife or roommate. I was talking at my TV for the past month telling those dumbasses not to spend any more money on champagne or plane tickets to wine and dine this wannabe "killebrity", but they didn't listen. And all along I was right! But I have nobody to say I told you so to. Dang it! I just looked at him and saw a man, (and I use that term as loosely as possible), who would rather be hated than unknown. This guy feels like he deserves some sort of celebrity despite his mediocrity. He's so confused that he was refused a sex change operation in THAILAND! I think you can practically get them at vending machines there. Insert money and vital organs. Hold breath.
This Karr guy is SOO messed up in the head that he teaches English in Asia! No friends, no skills, no life? Teach ESL in Asia. What a racket I'm mixed up in! What a pile of losers you can meet in this racket too! But not all of us are zeroes! Just want you to know that. I'll never claim responsibility for any murders. At least not ones I haven't committed. But anyway, after Karr resolves some pesky child porn charges he fled America to escape, he'll be back teaching the youth of Thailand again. That is if he isn't waylayed by people offering him personal appearances on talk shows, or book deals. What a world!
I heard a comedian talking about the recent Emmy awards. Did you see them? Conan's trip to the Emmy's was hilarious. But I agree with the comedian who said about the only worse person they could have found to emcee Dick Clark's lifetime achievement award would have been John Mark Karr. Simon Cowl? Can you think of any more hated man in music? Dick Clark started thousands of musical careers, Simon Cowl killed thousands. What were they thinking?
And speaking of murder, (I'm sounding like a late night monologue here, (again, too much TV)), I bet the makers of that new movie about Bush getting assassinated are tickled pink that it has been banned in the States. What better way to make sure it becomes bigger than Spider Man? I'm sure it's already the most popular google. If a guy could sneak into the showing of that movie in Toronto and cam it, he could make a mint hawking it on the internet I'm sure. But I doubt Bush'll really be assassinated. He deserves it too much. It's never the reverse Robin Hood, scumbag presidents that get shot. Things that make you go hmmmm...
Not much is happening here, hence my rundown of current world events. Still battling the ants. I started teaching again last week and if anything my students have even less English skill than last session. Before too long I'll be teaching the alphabet song. I'm only kidding a little bit. Man I can't wait for football and Survivor!
Now say hello to Paul Schaeffer and the Late Night Orchestra.
This Karr guy is SOO messed up in the head that he teaches English in Asia! No friends, no skills, no life? Teach ESL in Asia. What a racket I'm mixed up in! What a pile of losers you can meet in this racket too! But not all of us are zeroes! Just want you to know that. I'll never claim responsibility for any murders. At least not ones I haven't committed. But anyway, after Karr resolves some pesky child porn charges he fled America to escape, he'll be back teaching the youth of Thailand again. That is if he isn't waylayed by people offering him personal appearances on talk shows, or book deals. What a world!
I heard a comedian talking about the recent Emmy awards. Did you see them? Conan's trip to the Emmy's was hilarious. But I agree with the comedian who said about the only worse person they could have found to emcee Dick Clark's lifetime achievement award would have been John Mark Karr. Simon Cowl? Can you think of any more hated man in music? Dick Clark started thousands of musical careers, Simon Cowl killed thousands. What were they thinking?
And speaking of murder, (I'm sounding like a late night monologue here, (again, too much TV)), I bet the makers of that new movie about Bush getting assassinated are tickled pink that it has been banned in the States. What better way to make sure it becomes bigger than Spider Man? I'm sure it's already the most popular google. If a guy could sneak into the showing of that movie in Toronto and cam it, he could make a mint hawking it on the internet I'm sure. But I doubt Bush'll really be assassinated. He deserves it too much. It's never the reverse Robin Hood, scumbag presidents that get shot. Things that make you go hmmmm...
Not much is happening here, hence my rundown of current world events. Still battling the ants. I started teaching again last week and if anything my students have even less English skill than last session. Before too long I'll be teaching the alphabet song. I'm only kidding a little bit. Man I can't wait for football and Survivor!
Now say hello to Paul Schaeffer and the Late Night Orchestra.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
NFL and Survivor
Okay, I admit, I watch too much TV. WAY too much. But I live in Nothingtodoesville, Korea. At least I haven't taken up crime or drugs to kill the boredom, (as far as you know). I'll tell you what has me excited these days: waiting for NFL football and Survivor to start. But I'm not "excited" about Survivor the way a lot of people seem to be. And to tell you the truth, I don't see how the new Survivor's division of tribes could be any more "divisive" or "dangerous to American unity" than the new NFL season. People are just stupid is all.
Now you're saying, "Yeah but they're divided by race." No they're not. That's just stupid to say. "Hispanic" and "White" are not races. And are you gonna tell me a guy with German forefathers and a guy with English forefathers are gonna bond any better with each other than they would with Asians or Hispanics or black folks just because they are both pigmentally challenged? If the Asian tribe has an Asian of Korean descent and one of Japanese descent, watch out! We all know that black people kill more black people than anyone else does. And Hispanic people never fight with each other do they? There will be far more likelihood of conflict within the tribes than between them. Mark my words.
Or maybe, just maybe the contestants might have more pressing matters on their minds than family heritage. For instance, not starving, not being eaten by sharks, staying warm and dry at night, avoiding malaria, dangerous insects, snakes and, (oh yeah), winning a million bucks.
As for the TV show creating racial conflict outside the show, again, people are stupid. Some people are saying that this show's format is frightening. Americans are always scared aren't they? Here's just another stupid reason for it. Listen, if people were being nice to people from other races for reasons other than being "scared" of what might be the result otherwise, maybe there would be no reason to feel scared about this at all.
Yes, I have a dream. I have a dream that some day human beings will evolve away that part of our brains that is the seat of long term memory. That some day people will give only a miniscule shit about who our great great great grandfathers were and who they might have been mistreating and the degree of shame, guilt or remorse we must exhibit for it. Or conversely who our forefathers were mistreated by and the proper amount of reparations we should be seeking for it. That some day people will realize that loving one's country is good, but the fact that my country and your country were at war 500 years ago should only create in me a hatred comparable to if your NFL team beat mine last week.
I'm not going to say that all people are the same because then I'd be stupid too. We all have different upbringings and experiences and some people are better or worse than others. But in this day and age skin colour, race, family heritage, home country and things like that should really be a non-issue. At least if you are not STUPID!
I'm looking forward to the survivor competitions. I will pick who I want to win and who I want to lose based 0% on what "race" they are. I will probably pick a tribe I like better than the others, but the Asians, Hispanics and black tribe have just as good a chance to be my favourite as the white tribe does even though I happen to be white. I'm hoping, and actually expecting other people to be doing the same all over the world. If they do, this Survivor may turn out to be GOOD for race relations and a positive step toward eliminating prejudice and racial profiling once and for all.
Yes I have a dream.
Now you're saying, "Yeah but they're divided by race." No they're not. That's just stupid to say. "Hispanic" and "White" are not races. And are you gonna tell me a guy with German forefathers and a guy with English forefathers are gonna bond any better with each other than they would with Asians or Hispanics or black folks just because they are both pigmentally challenged? If the Asian tribe has an Asian of Korean descent and one of Japanese descent, watch out! We all know that black people kill more black people than anyone else does. And Hispanic people never fight with each other do they? There will be far more likelihood of conflict within the tribes than between them. Mark my words.
Or maybe, just maybe the contestants might have more pressing matters on their minds than family heritage. For instance, not starving, not being eaten by sharks, staying warm and dry at night, avoiding malaria, dangerous insects, snakes and, (oh yeah), winning a million bucks.
As for the TV show creating racial conflict outside the show, again, people are stupid. Some people are saying that this show's format is frightening. Americans are always scared aren't they? Here's just another stupid reason for it. Listen, if people were being nice to people from other races for reasons other than being "scared" of what might be the result otherwise, maybe there would be no reason to feel scared about this at all.
Yes, I have a dream. I have a dream that some day human beings will evolve away that part of our brains that is the seat of long term memory. That some day people will give only a miniscule shit about who our great great great grandfathers were and who they might have been mistreating and the degree of shame, guilt or remorse we must exhibit for it. Or conversely who our forefathers were mistreated by and the proper amount of reparations we should be seeking for it. That some day people will realize that loving one's country is good, but the fact that my country and your country were at war 500 years ago should only create in me a hatred comparable to if your NFL team beat mine last week.
I'm not going to say that all people are the same because then I'd be stupid too. We all have different upbringings and experiences and some people are better or worse than others. But in this day and age skin colour, race, family heritage, home country and things like that should really be a non-issue. At least if you are not STUPID!
I'm looking forward to the survivor competitions. I will pick who I want to win and who I want to lose based 0% on what "race" they are. I will probably pick a tribe I like better than the others, but the Asians, Hispanics and black tribe have just as good a chance to be my favourite as the white tribe does even though I happen to be white. I'm hoping, and actually expecting other people to be doing the same all over the world. If they do, this Survivor may turn out to be GOOD for race relations and a positive step toward eliminating prejudice and racial profiling once and for all.
Yes I have a dream.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Finally Home
I've been back in Korea for over a month now, but I've just recently made my way back to my broken air con, ant infested, cow shit scented, hotter than balls apartment. And guess what I'm doing today: I'm going to visit Scott, Minju and Alex. It's a good thing I don't pay much rent here cuz I'm never here getting my money's worth. I'm like that old team the Harlem Globetrotters used to play, the Washington Generals. I'm always the visitor, never the host. However, I DID have a group of guests not so long ago. Heather, Mike, Reilly and Roman drove me home from Seoul a few days ago and they came in. The first thing Reilly did was test out the bathroom. Now keep in mind, I had been at children's English camp for 2 weeks and partying in Seoul for another week. After they left I used the facilities myself and was disgusted. There was MOLD on my toilet and my toilet seat! I'm sure they passed it off as bacheloresque neglect but I normally keep things pretty clean around here. I was embarrassed.
Yes, kids' camp. What a total BLAST it was this year! I went down south just below Gwangju to a beautiful little area called Naju. That's where they film the T.V. drama called Ju Mong and where they grow lots of pears. We stayed at Dong Shin University, which is a really great facility. The cafeteria was AWESOME by cafeteria standards. I even made a thank you card for the lunch ladies and got it signed by everyone. There was even a lunch lady who was a bit of a babe. The rooms didn't have air con but they put fans in all the rooms shortly after we arrived. But the classrooms had air and the campus was really nice.
The group of teachers was great too. Guns did a fantastic job choosing the teachers for the camp. And really, that is what makes or breaks the camp. This group MADE the camp great for everyone. I mean everyone. I think the teachers may have had as much fun as the kids. Or more! When Guns asked if I was gonna teach there this summer I half jokingly said, "Only if there's beer every night." He talked to Mr. Lee and told me there would be beer every night. And... THERE WAS! Beer, snacks, stories and song. Sometimes we were up till the wee hours but we just went back to our rooms, sweat it all out and were up fresh as a, er, dandilion for class the next morning. We were daisies by midday.
The highlights of the camp for me, apart from the nightly Hitefest, were the swimming/bananaboating/boating and the trip we took after camp finished to visit the set of Ju Mong. I guess I could include the night in Seoul singing our arses off at the noraebang, (singing room), and playing Bismarck, a game where you put a cup inside a pitcher of beer and pour beer from another pitcher into the cup until someone sinks it and drinks it, BUUUUT that's not really camp is it?
Swimming was great. Aside from the fact that everyone had to wear lifejackets, it was great. Even though no matter where you go in Korea water is never far away, hell an ocean is never more than a couple hours away, most Koreans don't swim. So I guess the lifejackets were a must. But it sure was weird swimming and diving with a lifejacket on!
Ju Mong is a drama about Korea in the olden days. I guess it's about a town where they do a lot of archery. Koreans are very proud of their archery and many of the worlds' best archers even today are from Korea. I just love the old architecture. I could look at it all day. I think we spent a few hours there and then went out for sam gye tang, (a small chicken in really delicious broth), afterwards. All courtesy of the camp directors. They treated us REALLY well.
I have one thing to say about the camp in Naju: Wee hi yo wee hi yo wee hi yo, wee hi yo wee hi yo wee hi yo..... (that means "cheers").
Yes, kids' camp. What a total BLAST it was this year! I went down south just below Gwangju to a beautiful little area called Naju. That's where they film the T.V. drama called Ju Mong and where they grow lots of pears. We stayed at Dong Shin University, which is a really great facility. The cafeteria was AWESOME by cafeteria standards. I even made a thank you card for the lunch ladies and got it signed by everyone. There was even a lunch lady who was a bit of a babe. The rooms didn't have air con but they put fans in all the rooms shortly after we arrived. But the classrooms had air and the campus was really nice.
The group of teachers was great too. Guns did a fantastic job choosing the teachers for the camp. And really, that is what makes or breaks the camp. This group MADE the camp great for everyone. I mean everyone. I think the teachers may have had as much fun as the kids. Or more! When Guns asked if I was gonna teach there this summer I half jokingly said, "Only if there's beer every night." He talked to Mr. Lee and told me there would be beer every night. And... THERE WAS! Beer, snacks, stories and song. Sometimes we were up till the wee hours but we just went back to our rooms, sweat it all out and were up fresh as a, er, dandilion for class the next morning. We were daisies by midday.
The highlights of the camp for me, apart from the nightly Hitefest, were the swimming/bananaboating/boating and the trip we took after camp finished to visit the set of Ju Mong. I guess I could include the night in Seoul singing our arses off at the noraebang, (singing room), and playing Bismarck, a game where you put a cup inside a pitcher of beer and pour beer from another pitcher into the cup until someone sinks it and drinks it, BUUUUT that's not really camp is it?
Swimming was great. Aside from the fact that everyone had to wear lifejackets, it was great. Even though no matter where you go in Korea water is never far away, hell an ocean is never more than a couple hours away, most Koreans don't swim. So I guess the lifejackets were a must. But it sure was weird swimming and diving with a lifejacket on!
Ju Mong is a drama about Korea in the olden days. I guess it's about a town where they do a lot of archery. Koreans are very proud of their archery and many of the worlds' best archers even today are from Korea. I just love the old architecture. I could look at it all day. I think we spent a few hours there and then went out for sam gye tang, (a small chicken in really delicious broth), afterwards. All courtesy of the camp directors. They treated us REALLY well.
I have one thing to say about the camp in Naju: Wee hi yo wee hi yo wee hi yo, wee hi yo wee hi yo wee hi yo..... (that means "cheers").
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Wooweee!
I gotta say it's good to be back in Korea. Since coming back I've been practicing my own version of the Taoist discipline known as Wu Wei. This is an exercise that roughly translates to "without action". I've combined Wu Wei with surfing porn. I call it Woo Weee! Now if I can just open a school and charge a couple hundred bucks a month to train rich, Asian wannabe students in the art of Woo Weee... No, Grasshopper. Avoid the pay sites. They are the evil black dragons that inhibit our oneness with the e-universe.
Other than Woo Weee, I've been doing the usual post-vacation things here in Yangju: growing hair, turning oxygen into carbon dioxide, regaining bowel consistency, metabolizing pasta and fighting the friggin ants. I thought a 3-week holiday might get rid of the little bastards but, alas, they have multiplied. I've squashed hundreds of them already. But they seem to have spread out. They're all over the house now. And now they are on the offensive. I have found several brave warrior ants crawling up my body. I usually don't catch them until they reach my shoulder. I suppose this is because these devious little critters can swing from hair to hair.
I've located a couple of the holes through which they seem to be entering my apartment. I did my best action hero voice while spraying Raid into the holes saying, "Suck on that you little shits!" I've sprayed high ant traffic areas with mentholatum, which I'm told they hate. I think it just gives my ants a pleasant high. I have been vigilant in the war with the ants, but they seem to be winning. I'm afraid because in a week I'll be off to teach at a kids camp in Naju, Korea and the ants will have two weeks to fortify their presence here once again. Anyone with advice on killing ants, feel free to post it here. Please!!
On a brighter note, while in Thailand at a popular Pattaya watering hole, one of the bar girls told me to open my mouth and close my eyes. Being foolishly optimistic and happily inibriated, I complied. She stuck a fried grasshopper in my mouth. After crunching on it a while and identifying it as an insect I instictively spit most of it out. However, and this is the bright note, the parts I couldn't spit out were pretty tasty! Now if I could just get that recipe, substitute ant where it calls for grasshopper, I may solve my ant problem while saving tens of won on groceries!
Other than the ants, nothing news in Yangju. So far there is only rain, not North Korean missiles in the skies. The Kia Tigers are still holding their own in the Korean Baseball League. I plan to go to the Naju area a little early so as to watch a Tigers game or two before camp starts. I hope I can.
Anyone with good anti-ant advice, (or good recipes), lemme know. See ya.
Other than Woo Weee, I've been doing the usual post-vacation things here in Yangju: growing hair, turning oxygen into carbon dioxide, regaining bowel consistency, metabolizing pasta and fighting the friggin ants. I thought a 3-week holiday might get rid of the little bastards but, alas, they have multiplied. I've squashed hundreds of them already. But they seem to have spread out. They're all over the house now. And now they are on the offensive. I have found several brave warrior ants crawling up my body. I usually don't catch them until they reach my shoulder. I suppose this is because these devious little critters can swing from hair to hair.
I've located a couple of the holes through which they seem to be entering my apartment. I did my best action hero voice while spraying Raid into the holes saying, "Suck on that you little shits!" I've sprayed high ant traffic areas with mentholatum, which I'm told they hate. I think it just gives my ants a pleasant high. I have been vigilant in the war with the ants, but they seem to be winning. I'm afraid because in a week I'll be off to teach at a kids camp in Naju, Korea and the ants will have two weeks to fortify their presence here once again. Anyone with advice on killing ants, feel free to post it here. Please!!
On a brighter note, while in Thailand at a popular Pattaya watering hole, one of the bar girls told me to open my mouth and close my eyes. Being foolishly optimistic and happily inibriated, I complied. She stuck a fried grasshopper in my mouth. After crunching on it a while and identifying it as an insect I instictively spit most of it out. However, and this is the bright note, the parts I couldn't spit out were pretty tasty! Now if I could just get that recipe, substitute ant where it calls for grasshopper, I may solve my ant problem while saving tens of won on groceries!
Other than the ants, nothing news in Yangju. So far there is only rain, not North Korean missiles in the skies. The Kia Tigers are still holding their own in the Korean Baseball League. I plan to go to the Naju area a little early so as to watch a Tigers game or two before camp starts. I hope I can.
Anyone with good anti-ant advice, (or good recipes), lemme know. See ya.
Friday, July 14, 2006
Back in Korea
Well, first things first, as promised, here's that 5-dollar pic of me feeding the little tiger. Isn't she cute? She had really huge feet. That was the cutest thing about her to me. I'm sure she will have grown into those feet by the time I go back to visit her again. And I WILL go back. I had a great time in Pattaya. And I am fully educated on the place now. I went to Fatty's Restaurant one night and while waiting for my meal I read a little Pattaya guide book called Money Number One. Even if you aren't a single man, or aren't planning to visit the place, give this book a read. And it's now been updated too. I was laughing my ass off in the restaurant reading it.
Last entry, I was moving from room #2 to room #4. It was a bit of a downgrade, but still really good accomodations. I talked to the cook at my hotel and she turned me onto these little, yellow pills that allowed me to venture out more. If you know what I'm saying... So I managed to squeeze in three rounds of golf at three different courses in the Pattaya area. I golfed Phoenix, Thai Navy and Treasure Hill. They were all absolutely gorgeous courses. I think I liked Phoenix the best but I golfed my best at Treasure Hill. Even got a birdie! Woohoo! But I still spent a lot of time in the woods and in the sand, "looking for the treasure".
But I think the best part of the golfing was the group of guys I golfed with. Loads of fun. And none of them are gonna be on the tour any time soon so I wasn't intimidated by their golfing expertise. Just a casual group of Singha-swilling hackers who all have the whack-fuck sickness as bad as I. I'm sure I haven't seen the last of them.
I had a blast in Pattaya! I highly recommend it. I even got to use my new snorkelling gear down at the beach. Next time I'll go out to Ko Lan and do some real snorkelling. But I was quite content to watch the soccer and play bar games and pool with the girls at the Atlantic Club just down the street from my hotel. Apart from some small problems like not knowing whether the locals were saying "seventy" or "twenty" baht, (they both sound like "teventy" to me), it was a trouble-free vacation. A first for me!
Now it's back to the old grind in Korea. I'm choosing between two kids' camps here starting next week. I'll be sure to take pics and tell you all the details. See ya later.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Pattaya Paradise
Hello everybodeeee!
Well, I didn't make it to Kanchanaburi with Kasia. We went in opposite directions. She went north and I went south. As it turns out it was a good decision for both of us. She told me she had a great time up there seeing the bridge over the river Kwai, the tiger temple and the historical sites where all those people died. I, on the other hand, took a van to Pattaya and checked into the Welkom Inn. They gave me room number 2. Fitting because that's almost all I've done in the room to this point - number 2. I have had the wicked runs since I've been here and NOTHING is helping. However, somebody has room number 2 booked for tomorrow so I have to change. I'm hoping the room change will coincide with a change in bowel consistency.
I have managed to get out a little bit. I bought myself a snorkel and prescription mask at a nice dive shop here called Mermaid's I think. I have yet to use them due to the diarrhea, but I've extended my stay here in the hopes that I will overcome this ailment.
On a brighter note, I did have one good day while here. Good constitutionally speaking. So I went to the Million Year Stone and Crocodile Park. Or something like that. What a cool place that is! I just happen to like rocks and they have some petrified trees that are guestimated to be like a million years old. Plus some really interesting old rocks. And the gardening is unreal! Also they have some animals there that were a hoot! I actually fed a baby tiger. That was a thrill. They are just like really big cats. Very little difference that I can see. Boy was she pissed when I stopped feeding her too! Plus I made friends with some elephants and a couple birds. I fed some HUGE catfish that reminded me of prehistoric monsters. I saw some yahoos sticking their heads in crocodiles' mouths and I even got to feed the crocks myself! They put a rotten chicken on a long fishing pole and you hang it over the water and watch the crocks crawl all over each other coming way outta the water to get it. That crock puts up a helluva fight lemme tellya! Took the bait and snapped the line though. But I'll get her next time after she grows some. heh heh.
Unfortunately, my camera ran out of juice JUST as I bought a picture of me feeding the little tiger. I paid 40 baht, (a buck), for the chick to take a pic of me with my camera. When she pushed the button, the camera shut down. What a pisser! However, unbeknownst to me, whilst I was feeding the little feline there was an enterprising young Thai chick taking my pic with her own camera. Then while I was wandering around eating these AWESOME honey/orange popsicles they have here and sharing with a particularly friendly cockatoo who would lick it and then shake his head then come back and lick it and shake his head again, this young chick rides up to me on her bicycle and takes a really large photo out of the basket and hands it to me. I instinctively went into polite refusal mode but then I saw the photo. It was great! I paid 200 baht for it. (5 bucks). When I get back to Korea and my scanner, I'll be sure to include it here.
Unfortunately, I didn't get pics of the crock show or the really cool elephants I met. I was watching some guys getting a pic being lifted up by one of the elephants and suddenly I hear this huffing and puffing about an inch from my face. The other elephant smelled my Dentyne Ice gum I suppose and she was sniffing me. Have you ever had a trunk an inch in front of your face? It's a moving experience lemme tell you. So I bought up a basket of bananas and started feeding them to the two elephants one at a time. But my gum sniffing friend wasn't gonna stand for that. She reaches her trunk right into the basket of bananas and tried to get them ALL! ha ha ha. Bananas everywhere! So I'm trying to pick them up and feed them to the elephants and there were two trunks trying to beat me to the bananas. It was hilarious! They had a good feast though. And they thanked me by doing a little dance lifting one leg and swaying it back and forth in front of the other. I'll miss those old, grey, wrinkled girls.
I've met a couple of INSANE British guys here. They want to go out tonight to the shooting range. I think that sounds kind of cool so I think I better go. Wayne and Cy. I'll try to get some pics of us toting .45's or rifles or something. If I can. I hate to say this, but apart from the green apple splatters keeping me chained to my hotel room, this holiday has been relatively disaster free so far! Now I've just gone and jinxed myself. But that'll make for an interesting next entry. See ya then. I would include some pics but I am having trouble doing that from here. I can't figure out why. I will try from my computer when I get back to Korea. See ya then.
Well, I didn't make it to Kanchanaburi with Kasia. We went in opposite directions. She went north and I went south. As it turns out it was a good decision for both of us. She told me she had a great time up there seeing the bridge over the river Kwai, the tiger temple and the historical sites where all those people died. I, on the other hand, took a van to Pattaya and checked into the Welkom Inn. They gave me room number 2. Fitting because that's almost all I've done in the room to this point - number 2. I have had the wicked runs since I've been here and NOTHING is helping. However, somebody has room number 2 booked for tomorrow so I have to change. I'm hoping the room change will coincide with a change in bowel consistency.
I have managed to get out a little bit. I bought myself a snorkel and prescription mask at a nice dive shop here called Mermaid's I think. I have yet to use them due to the diarrhea, but I've extended my stay here in the hopes that I will overcome this ailment.
On a brighter note, I did have one good day while here. Good constitutionally speaking. So I went to the Million Year Stone and Crocodile Park. Or something like that. What a cool place that is! I just happen to like rocks and they have some petrified trees that are guestimated to be like a million years old. Plus some really interesting old rocks. And the gardening is unreal! Also they have some animals there that were a hoot! I actually fed a baby tiger. That was a thrill. They are just like really big cats. Very little difference that I can see. Boy was she pissed when I stopped feeding her too! Plus I made friends with some elephants and a couple birds. I fed some HUGE catfish that reminded me of prehistoric monsters. I saw some yahoos sticking their heads in crocodiles' mouths and I even got to feed the crocks myself! They put a rotten chicken on a long fishing pole and you hang it over the water and watch the crocks crawl all over each other coming way outta the water to get it. That crock puts up a helluva fight lemme tellya! Took the bait and snapped the line though. But I'll get her next time after she grows some. heh heh.
Unfortunately, my camera ran out of juice JUST as I bought a picture of me feeding the little tiger. I paid 40 baht, (a buck), for the chick to take a pic of me with my camera. When she pushed the button, the camera shut down. What a pisser! However, unbeknownst to me, whilst I was feeding the little feline there was an enterprising young Thai chick taking my pic with her own camera. Then while I was wandering around eating these AWESOME honey/orange popsicles they have here and sharing with a particularly friendly cockatoo who would lick it and then shake his head then come back and lick it and shake his head again, this young chick rides up to me on her bicycle and takes a really large photo out of the basket and hands it to me. I instinctively went into polite refusal mode but then I saw the photo. It was great! I paid 200 baht for it. (5 bucks). When I get back to Korea and my scanner, I'll be sure to include it here.
Unfortunately, I didn't get pics of the crock show or the really cool elephants I met. I was watching some guys getting a pic being lifted up by one of the elephants and suddenly I hear this huffing and puffing about an inch from my face. The other elephant smelled my Dentyne Ice gum I suppose and she was sniffing me. Have you ever had a trunk an inch in front of your face? It's a moving experience lemme tell you. So I bought up a basket of bananas and started feeding them to the two elephants one at a time. But my gum sniffing friend wasn't gonna stand for that. She reaches her trunk right into the basket of bananas and tried to get them ALL! ha ha ha. Bananas everywhere! So I'm trying to pick them up and feed them to the elephants and there were two trunks trying to beat me to the bananas. It was hilarious! They had a good feast though. And they thanked me by doing a little dance lifting one leg and swaying it back and forth in front of the other. I'll miss those old, grey, wrinkled girls.
I've met a couple of INSANE British guys here. They want to go out tonight to the shooting range. I think that sounds kind of cool so I think I better go. Wayne and Cy. I'll try to get some pics of us toting .45's or rifles or something. If I can. I hate to say this, but apart from the green apple splatters keeping me chained to my hotel room, this holiday has been relatively disaster free so far! Now I've just gone and jinxed myself. But that'll make for an interesting next entry. See ya then. I would include some pics but I am having trouble doing that from here. I can't figure out why. I will try from my computer when I get back to Korea. See ya then.
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