Friday, August 24, 2007

Survivor Sandwiches

I had a summer job at a military museum one year during my lengthy education at Lakehead U. The guy in charge was a really cool guy named Myles. He was a corporal and his wife got promoted before him to captain. The reason I mention this to you is because his wife probably broke the news to him something like this: Hey, honey, I'm gonna be making more money so we can move into that new house we've been looking at. I'm being promoted to captain and I WILL outrank you but as Colonel Nathan R. Jessup says, "If you haven't gotten a blowjob from a superior officer, well you're just letting the best in life pass you by."

I don't want to give away Canadian military secrets but this is what is called the "sandwich". The meat in the sandwich is the bad news and you cover it up with two slices of good news bread so that it'll go down more easily. Myles taught me that. And it has served me well in my teaching career. I think if you are in just about any position of authority, (or perceived authority), there will be occasions where you would be well served to make a few sandwiches. Like me: "You have a really great attendance record! You're never late. Your overall average in my class is 10% so you are going to fail. You aren't equipped with the intellectual wherewithal to learn a second language and I have no idea why you bothered to take this class or how you managed to get the admission department to allow you to take it. Hey by the way, that's a really nice shirt you're wearing today!"

See? Works like a charm! I think life throws sandwiches at us now and then. Like today. It's my last real day of holidays. That's the meat. But the weather is cooling off and Survivor China and NFL football are both just around the corner. That's some nice bread. In fact when I got back to my beloved computer after using the crap you get in most of the internet cafes in Pattaya, I didn't plan a lesson or look at my class schedule. I checked out the 16 contestants on Survivor China. Quite a crop this time! I'm now going to give them all my VERY preliminary evaluations in sandwich form. I am gonna do this because it'll be cool to look back and see how I did. I could be totally wrong or I could be right. We'll see if I should go buy a chrystal ball.

Aaron the surfer- Likes blunt, honest people. I wish everyone were honest and blunt so I like that. Stuck up asshole. He thinks he's all that and baloney sandwich. How's that for blunt? He wants to be a leader, thinks possibly that surfing qualifies him for that position, but he doesn't want others to know he wants to lead cuz that's suicide on Survivor. No problem with lying, cheating and stealing. I hate this guy and hope he gets Kung Fu ed by a Shao Ling monk. But he might do well if he hooks up with some blunt, honest people like Courtney, Jaime and/or Denise.

Amanda the hiker- Almost a Canadian! Camps every weekend and has been to China twice. The first, (but maybe the best), of the "slash model" contestants. Evidently Survivor thought more about beauty than race this time. Thinks it's important to have an alliance in the beginning with an old, loyal person. She could get screwed this way especially if she allies with Dave or Jean-Rob. Chicken or Lunch Lady Denise might be better for her. She's more than just good looking. She's a true adventurer and should go far.

Ashley the Diva- Posed for Playboy. She says, "No tapping out," but she will get knocked out. She's rich and famous already and that makes her an obvious target. She better hope her team wins the first immunity challenge or she'll be first to suffer a three count. Posed for Playboy.

Chicken the farmer- Rudy-like popularity here. He'll make plenty of friends with his downhome wisdom and he'll get lots of alliance offers. He's too good to win. He's already satisfied just with making it on the show. Makes a good living so isn't hungry enough although without three squares a day he'll likely have more physical hunger than most. He'll probably deserve to win but won't. But I always like the farmers. I like his four F's: friends, family, fun, food.

Courtney the lame-o- Very honest. Seems like her life motto might be "whatever!" Not ready for reality TV. Or reality. China is as real as it gets. Has no idea what she's in for. Thinks there might be egg on spoon or three-legged races. Admits she's not strong, not athletic, will suffer from the heat, will cry a lot, has a big mouth that will get her into trouble. Strong candidate for 16th place if Ashley's team doesn't lose the first immunity challenge. Could extend her stay by staying out of arguments and allying with Aaron.

Dave the cereal box psychologist- Has been to China and likes the outdoors. Another of the "slash models". Thinks he's Dr. Phil. Says he deals with conflicts and solves problems well. Really chicks don't listen to his psychobabble, they're too busy looking at him. Could avoid an early exit by hooking up with the young and stupid who mistake his bullshit for pearls of wisdom.

Denise the lunchbuster- Tomboy. Tough. Survived hard times. Looks like every lunch lady I've known. Says she likes sharp objects but isn't one herself. I think she has a temper and could have a big blow-up with, for example, Courtney or Jaime. Will score points with her accent. Seems honest and real.

Erik the Christian rocker- Very pretty. In a band. You KNOW he gets more ass than a toilet seat. BUT, being a Christian he probably wastes it. He seems WAY too nice. His band will get much more popular because of this so he doesn't need the money. He's too soft. WILL get very hungry. He could quit, get kicked off for shaggin', or win the whole dang thing. He and Leslie could lead a Christian alliance. Christians don't fare too well in China though...

Frosti the snowcaulk?- Nobody but Heather and Mike will get that nickname. Well travelled. Good attitude. No dummy. He's young and may be naiive enough to get screwed by one of the bad guys. Probably a huge threat in physical challenges. This should be a plus but he might get voted off because of it. But if he's smart he'll only give 70-80%. Could win if he's got half a brain.

Jaime the rack- Camps a lot. Outdoorsy. Great tits! Says she wants to test her mental ability but will fail that test. Wants to win Miss Congeniality. Unfortunately Survivor doesn't have that prize. I think she has a temper and she talks too much. Could be fun to see the "nice" mask fall off if her looks, (tits), don't get her exactly what she wants. I'll be sad when they, I mean she get voted off.

James the undertaker- Sounds and looks dangerous. Has lots of Chinese friends from his work in bars. He's a loner and probably doesn't have a lot of mojo to work. Has Chinese friends, works in bars, buries people. Can you say Shinjuku? How bout Triads? I knew you could. If he doesn't win, maybe some people literally DON'T survive.

Jean-Rob the gambler- Big mental edge. Nobody will know what he's thinking. Impossible to trust. Used to air conditioned casinos and hotels. Out of shape. No physical value. He wants to use early days to evaluate others and find their "tells" then adapt to them. Probly won't last till the "adapt" stage. May be the first survivor voted off because of MENTAL threat. Very tall.

Leslie the zealot- Into fitness, sent 11 applications to Survivor, people person. I have a feeling she'll get on a lot of nerves pushing Jesus. Says she has a "dependance on God." You can't depend on God to get you the million. Seems very determined. Could lead a strong Christian alliance.

Peih-Gee the jeweller- Likes travel. Dancer. Hot bod. "Tiger raised in captivity released into the wild." Best quote of the preview. Quit smoking and drinking for the show. Exercised a lot. Watched previous seasons. But, her friends immediately thought she'd be the bitch when they found out she'd be on Survivor. She'll face a strong test to refrain from "bitching out" with this cast. She's very prepared and has home field advantage. I wanna do some things to her that ain't rated Peih-Gee if you know what I'm saying... My early favourite.

Sherea the volcano- Loves China, ready for adventure and SAYS she has great social skills. Says she suffered a great deal when HER MOTHER survived breast cancer. Claiming an ancestor's suffering as her own. Hmmm. Your Momma ain't the one in China Sherea. I doubt her 4th grade social skills will be enough to win the day. Seems very nice but her 4th graders probably don't oppose her the way the other survivors will. I called her the volcano cuz I think she could explode into the biggest beatch on the show. She doesn't trust anyone till they earn her trust. This could cost her. But it might help her too. There are some people not to be trusted. She may end up being a sweetheart. We'll see.

Todd the token- Positive. People person. Huge Survivor fan. A flight attendant? Never would have guessed. What would Survivor be without homosexuality? Gay Mormon is interesting though. Todd and Jaime seem to be a hyperpositive match made in Heaven. I think Dave and Jean-Rob will be licking their chops to ally with them then screw them. But he'll remain positive when he gets voted off. Very likeable though. Could go far if he is smart enough to avoid being BRAINLESSLY positive.

And there you have it. Next entry will be my football prognostications. Ha ha. No, not really. So in summation: Go Chicken, Amanda and Peih-Gee, Go home Ashley, Aaron and Dave. Watch out for: Frosti and James.

The tribe has spoken.

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