Thursday, December 20, 2007

"Fuck off!"

Catchy title don't you think? But this is a well used phrase in the English language, the importance of which is often undermined. I have used it in my lifetime. Not as often as some but it has its place. Mostly amongst friends. It's a little more emphatic than "No way!" or "Get out!" or "You're kidding!" Kinda packs a verbal, (or even written), Elaine-esque push with it. For those who don't speak Seinfeld, it's more emphatic.

I've often used it to address inanimate objects such as video games, computer screens, alarms etc. And I like it when anonymously telling off bad drivers, bad athletes on my team or good ones on the other, bearers of bad news or things like that. But I rarely use it to directly address a person in anger. That person would probably have to be someone who had previously done some pretty hard work to lose my respect and they would have to be doing something previous to my using the phrase to piss me off.

Well, I told my supervisor to fuck off this week. Yeah, my special season's greeting for her alone. And man, you know at this time how they say it's better to give than to receive? Well I'm feeling that!

I'm not going to rehash all the trouble I've had with her. It would be a huge entry. In fact you can read about some of it in previous posts. I'll just sum up the major stuff: She lied to me repeatedly about the initial contract which cost me a vacation, caused me a lot of unnecessary trouble with immigration and screwed me out of two camps that would have gained me about 6 thousand bucks. She also made me cancel for the second time with the camp I got screwed out of by my PREVIOUS supervisor in the same way. This makes me look pretty undependable. She's also, in tandem with another worker, Dumb and Dumber I call them, caused more stress than enough with her office politics.

But it's the end of the year. I was this close to being finished and never having to see her again. All I had to do was input my students' final grades into the HUFS website, hand in exams, attendance etc. and I was done. So I go to the website and it doesn't work. I had asked my supervisor nicely if the site would be any different since it had been changed mid semester but she assured me it would be the same as usual. She was right. Last session it didn't work when we tried to input marks either. We had to wait until the website workers TURNED IT ON. How stupid is that? Well I just assumed this was the problem again. I called Mee Sook, my supervisor. She didn't answer. It WAS late so I didn't blame her. I waited till the next day. I called during office hours. It was a Friday and I figured she'd be at work. She actually opened her cell phone and closed it. Effectively hanging up on me in the modern style. She has my name on her phone so she knew who it was calling.

So I texted her and asked when we could input grades. She texted back the dates which included the day this took place. I texted again, "So I can input grades TODAY?" She texted "YES". So I called her. This time she answered. What followed was what I was expecting. She instantly assumed I was the problem and asked if I had gone to this area of the website and then to that area, then clicked this or that and I said, "Yes, yes, yes, yes..." I was very patient. Then she started suggesting every possible thing that I could do, none of them in the best interest of anyone but her lazy ass because she knew that what needed to be done was something only SHE could do. I.E. WORK for her. And she knew that once again I had caught her telling me what she thought it was I wanted to hear, not the truth.

She said I probably had a problem with my computer, I should go into the school and use one of theirs, I should wait till monday, I should ask some other teachers, (which I had and found that I was the first one inputting marks. Only one other teacher tried and had trouble), talk to office workers, she even suggested that I go talk to the people in charge of the website, (who only speak Korean), and ask them what's going on. And this whole time her voice is in a high-pitched, whiney, yelling tone because she doesn't like it when I point out her incompetence but still blames me for the problems she brings on herself. So I ask her why SHE doesn't call the website guys and see if they've got the site turned on. I can't do it cuz I don't speak Korean. Well then she started really yelling. All the same stuff. Why don't you why don't you why don't you blah blah fucking blah. So then I started raising my voice. "Why are you yelling at me? I am just trying to get my marks to my students as soon as possible. This helps the school, the other teachers and even YOU!" She kept yelling. "I'm not in the office. I'm on the street. Why don't you (same shit same shit same shit)?" So I just said, "Oh, fuck off!" and hung up on HER.

Shortly after the phone call, like maybe 5 minutes, I got ahold of another teacher and asked her if she'd had any trouble. She hadn't started plugging in marks yet but was in front of a computer so she did exactly what I'd been trying and I did it for about the fiftieth time. Suddenly it WORKED! The website was on.

It's pretty obvious that Mee Sook had called the website workers and told them to turn on the website. I wonder if the Korean teachers have to be told to mark their exams after they give them. Like do these people not have the ability to think for themselves? And rather than tell the website workers to open the site for teachers to input grades after every exam session, Mee Sook probably thinks the only option is to tell them every individual time. She's got a Ph. D. remember.

Most likely what happened is she called and asked if the website was on. It wasn't on but they said it WAS. Then they turned it on after hanging up. So Mee Sook will lie and say she knew it was working all the time, (like she had lied to me and told me), and she'll lie and say she never called to tell the website guys to turn it on. The website guys will lie and say it was always on. And the only guy who didn't lie, ME, will look like a big asshole for telling her to fuck off. That's Confucianism at its best. Acting, lying, showing fake respect to people who've long since lost it... FUCK OFF!

So maybe in fact I wasn't directly telling Mee Sook to fuck off, I was telling the part of this culture that encourages deception to fuck off. This is new. I don't know if I've used this phrase to personally address a philosophy or social conviction before. See how useful it is?

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Foreigners Acting Like Koreans

What you are looking at is the best pic I could take of the stupid "common final" exam we had to give to our kids. It was Dec. 10th. I had about 135 kids jammed into one room like a rush hour subway and at the exact same time every other teacher was doing the same. In their wisdom the management of HUFS even decided to combine three of the teachers' classes into one big auditorium so they probably had about 3 or 4 hundred in there. I would show you the movie I took with my cam and give you a better idea of what we were working with but I always have trouble trying to put movies on here. I'll just say that HUFS is supposed to be one of the top schools in Korea for ESL or EFL and this testing style brought me back a coupla centuries.

Just one of the reasons their "education" system here is lagging so far behind the rest of the world. The irony is that Koreans are literally fanatical about education. They want so badly to be educated but they can't get beyond the obvious idea that they have to abandon their antiquated methods and start using ones that have been tried, tested and found far more effective.

It's kind of a catch 22. They get people who are trained with these old methods in positions where changes can be made to these old methods, but a huge part of the subject matter doled out to students through the old methods is how great and wonderful everything about Korea is, including its educational techniques. So they end up with a choice between what is right and what is Korean and this, unbelievably enough, is not much of a choice. We'll do it the Korean way!

Because this country is so fanatical about education to be an "educator" here is a HUGE badge of prestige. For this reason there are all kinds of people, many absolutely NOT educators, scrambling for the positions in which they can be seen as "educators" and I dunno, get laid at social functions or have people fake bow a little lower to them. People who are educators and who may have heard something about proper teaching techniques never seem to end up in the positions to implement them in Korea because the prestige hounds want it just a little more. And, again the genius of Joseph Heller, the catch 22 is that because the Korean "education" system is so messed up people can do things like bribe their ways to false doctorate degrees, commission smart people to write some smart educational literature and put their names on the books even though they understand none of the content. In this way you can make yourself appear to be an educator when you actually are just a guy with lots of spare change using it to buy some phony respect.

There are only a few things that can score you even more prestige in Korea than being viewed as an educator. You can always badmouth the U.S. or Japan. Never fails. Around election time people seem a bit less friendly to me because they support the platform of their preferred candidate, which, as the election draws nearer and he falls further behind the front runner, is becoming less about the real issues and more about "Yankees go home." But another sure way to get Koreans on your side is to be blindly patriotic. Using antiquated educational methodology because it is KOREAN trumps any reasoning supporting alternative methods that are better. Why? Because of the way they are "educated" here.

Another example of Korean methodology being employed at HUFS is the "no calling in sick" rule. It's against the law in Korea to fire someone if they miss days because they are sick. But they can sure make things difficult for you at work. Giving you bad schedules, bad performance reports etc. And if you're under contract, they can certainly choose not to re-sign you. We've recently had a rendition of this rule drawn up and circulated amongst the foreign staff at HUFS. It took this school several months to draw up new contracts with an amended pay scale for the employees here. In fact they couldn't even have them ready before the workers were hired. All us teachers are actually working under the old contracts. Now they are trying to decide which teachers to re-sign and which to get rid of and it's taking them forever. The Yong In campus of HUFS told their teachers who will be re-signed a couple months ago.

It's interesting how things happen at HUFS. I was deathly ill. I had something worse than the normal flu. I had spent two days coughing, blowing my nose, and not sleeping. I felt like I had been used as Mike Tyson's heavy bag. So I call in sick. It was a Thursday. One of the workers at HUFS, J.P., knows that I play pool Wednesday nights and stay out late drinking with the team. I usually just stay up all night and teach my classes THEN go home to sleep. But I NEVER missed a class because of it. The day I was sick Dean asks J.P. where I was. J.P. tells Dean about pool nights and how he figures I was just hungover. I don't blame J.P. for thinking that. I knew that would be a suspicion. Only hours after Dean, (who has been lobbying shamelessly to get on the good side of our supervisor and get appointed to the position of head teacher), heard that I might not actually be sick, I received a text message from the supervisor saying that I had to teach make-up classes for time missed and then we all received the notice of the new sickness policy. Basically we can still get sick as long as we teach while we suffer. Interesting...

And while we're kind of on the subject of Dean Dawson, I managed to find out just exactly what the hell was going on with the lame-ass teachers here. Why nobody would support any action that seemed in disaccord with Dean's wishes. He's responsible for hiring many of the teachers here. Enough of them so that he sort of has a majority government at HUFS. They are under the impression that he hired them and he can fire them. So they don't want to oppose him in any way. They're all just his rugby buddies. I doubt any of them has been in Korea or teaching for as long as they claim. It was curious to me how we never talked about that or about their rugby playing.

So now we're all suffering through the marking of this test he forced on us. It is taking forever to mark. It's rife with weak questions that the students are not getting wrong because they don't know the answer but because they can't understand what the question is asking them. These are questions he left in after being advised by better teachers, (including me), to remove them. I have had to adjust my marking because of them. I'm just adding one mark to every student's test because of the one question that I gave several reasons why it should be removed. It was edited and made worse, but not removed. So they all just get it right. It's the only fair thing to do. And they all know the answer anyway, which was one of the reasons why I thought it was unnecessary in the first place. What is expected is for the students to complete a quote taken directly from the text explaining a language point. Their knowledge of the text, NOT the language point, is what is being tested. And if you show this test to 100 people I doubt even one of them would guess it's an ESL or EFL test. It's just a test of the content of the book.

It's odd but when you look at the situations of Dean being in the position he's in and the management of the schools here in Korea it's practically the same thing. He doesn't deserve to be head teacher. He certainly fucked up everything he's done from his self-appointed position of leadership to this point. But he seems to want it more than anyone and he's lying, cheating and stealing his way there. I'm sure he's already bought the brass desk plaque and addressed his Christmas cards as Dean Dawson Head Teacher. Maybe he'll be president of HUFS some day.

Anyway, I'm sure I'll look at that picture in the future and remember how great the students were at HUFS. They were the best part about this job. I've never had better students. I never have a problem with the students anywhere I work. They usually ARE the best part of the job. But HUFS students were just a bit better. And I'll miss them. I certainly won't miss anything else about HUFS though. The management is on a course that is in my opinion the opposite of the direction they should be headed. They are making things more Korean, (bass ackwards), every day. I don't want to see that continue next year. And as for the teachers, they can bend over and take it up the bass ackwards from the management and Dean all year next year too for all I care. I'm not gonna be a part of that. I may be asked to return and I may say that I will, but I am not planning on it.

I'll likely end up back in Gwangju at a school where I worked before and actually had a good experience. It was the one place I wanted to stay and the only place that couldn't keep me. But that's the way I roll. Luck is only with me in the casino it seems. I got downsized by them and that was the reason I ended up where I am now. But it appears as though they might have enough of a budget to UPsize me back in for this coming year. That would be nice. Even if that doesn't happen, I'm sure I'll find a place that'll take me. And I'm pretty sure I'll find something to complain about at THAT new place too. So you blog readers have that to look forward to. YAY!

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Work Drama

One week of teaching left here. It'll be a review for my students. Then exam week, input marks into the computer and fly away to the Philippines and San Miguel it all away.

Recently we've had a bit of drama. The management requested that we make a common final that all 8 teachers would use as their final exam. It's a Korean educational obsession to teach everything identically. They still haven't figured out that teachers and students are all different so this is a stupid strategy. (The individuality idea again). But in an attempt to do what management wanted we divided up into teams of two and together submitted some questions from one chapter each. There are four chapters in the book we used.

It was given to us as a suggestion long before the teaching started and a few of the teachers, including me, had questions prepared to share with the other teachers at a meeting we had at the beginning of the session. I was late for the meeting but when I got there it was aparent that one teacher had taken control of it. Dean Dawson is his name. I assumed that before I arrived he was elected or appointed to chair the meeting. He gave everyone a couple of pages from which to compose questions for our chapters. No clear guidelines were given as to how many marks we were responsible for or what kind of questions we could make. We found out later that multiple choice questions weren't allowed. All we had was a shakey plan of attack after the meeting. I thought we were going to leave there with at least a rough copy of the exam to work with while we taught. We probably had enough questions between us to do so. But that was not the plan of the man. So we all walked out of there kind of shaking our heads.

A while later I sent everyone an email pointing out that some of the questions, (the difference between "can" and "can't" and telephone skills), were better for oral examinations and it had been established that this would be a written exam. Plus the pages from which Dean had chosen to make his questions were actually not even part of his chapter. And he had already taught the book a few months previous to this. He was to make questions about garbage and human waste and he chose a cloze exercise on endangered animals. How these two topics could be confused I don't know.

To his credit he said my points were valid and we changed a few things. Nobody really got their questions in until very late in the session. Last week in fact. Mostly because we were all so confused as to what we could and couldn't do. So there were many exchanges of emails and finally everyone had submitted their questions except Dean. On Wednesday of last week he submitted an exam in which he had changed everyone's submissions and added his own. I mean changed like omitted questions, added some of his own. My partner and I had tried to make questions that encorporated all of our chapter. Dean edited ours so that they represented only one exercise from it. And he included a blurb with his exam basically saying that this would be the one we use and we would have to live with it.

So I sent a diplomatic email correcting a lot of the grammar, spelling and typing mistakes and suggesting a few other changes. It was mostly praise for 3 of the 4 chapters. But I asked him to "please" explain his thinking on how he had narrowed down my chapter. He fixed some of the typos and grammar mistakes but ignored my question and changed nothing in my chapter.

The next day we had to work. Every one of the other teachers, (except Dean), expressed to me in the short breaks we have between classes how they didn't like what Dean had done. Every single one of them. But nobody had bothered to confront Dean either through email or in person. I guess because they expected to be ignored like me.

So on the weekend I wrote an email to everyone but Dean stating that he is an equal member of our team and despite the fact that he had presented himself as something different there is no reason why one of us couldn't write an exam that better reflected the efforts of the other teachers. Dean's not the boss of us!

One of the other teachers, Rose, made an exam. It WAS better. She forwarded it along with my message to all the other teachers. Except Dean. I think this was just an oversight. I had asked her to forward it to all the teachers including Dean as a second option. It was not forwarded as an exam we all must use. It was just a suggestion. An option for anyone who didn't like Dean's exam. That was everyone but Dean.

Then the emails started coming in. One of the teachers, a guy I often spend my two-hour lunches talking and drinking coffee with, had engaged me in a long email exchanging session in which he did everything but give me a reasonable answer as to why he didn't want to use another exam. He contradicted a dozen things he had told me in the past month or so of Starbucks lunches and even contradicted himself a couple of times within the string of emails. I was stunned! He was the last guy I expected to support Dean in his power play.

So I gave him the reasons why assholes can weasel their ways into positions of power in the workplace. They can basically be summed up as, "Because the other workers allow them to." More specifically they are: 1. I'm comfortable with my job. I don't want to rock the boat. (apathy) 2. I'm scared of losing my job. I don't want to rock the boat. (fear) 3. I don't want to do anything to upset the asshole. (intimidation) 4. I can't do anything to stop the asshole, can I? (ignorance) 5. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz. (laziness)

My friend had sent me many comments in his various emails that were perfect examples of these 5 things. But he just kept skirting the real issues and talking in circles trying to make me think he wasn't an apathetic, spineless sheep and accomplishing the opposite.

Then there is Claire. She was the person who complained more than any other the day after Dean's test. Yet when my suggestion to create an option that was closer to what we had contributed and then decide between the two democratically was sent, and the test was created, she started saying things like how underhanded, sneaky and unprofessional it was. And how we were going "behind Dean's back." I suspect she had a little talk with Dean and he swayed her to his side. But I then sent an email explaining that by alienating every other teacher Dean had turned his back on us. That's why it may appear like we're going behind his back. She also complained that she had already submitted Dean's test for copying even though we have till Monday to do so. I expected Dean to give that as his excuse and really didn't expect the new test to be accepted. But I had to try.

Then I submitted an email to everyone including Dean about how his actions were a strong statement of his wish to abandon team democracy and demand we do things his way. I also explained that I was just acting as though Dean was an equal member of our process and represented only one vote. I said that we would probably have to use Dean's exam due to copying issues, time limit and apathy. Three of the teachers gave the ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz response including one of them who had told me Thursday that he wasn't going to use Dean's test.

Now, a couple of my past emails are perfect defences for the impotence of my fellow employees, (other than Rose). I think a lot of them are in grown up amounts of debt and they don't want to teach this schoolyard bully a lesson because it could jeopardize their steady income that they send to Visa or their bank every month. Also there are some legitimate concerns about new immigration laws here in Korea that would make it very inconvenient to change jobs. So they are desperately hanging on to their jobs despite wanting to slam dunk this dickhead. And it is very possible that regardless of what happens with the exam, this guy will be head teacher next year and they don't want him giving them the shitty schedules or taking away overtime they wanted or whatever powers he might get.

I don't give a shit about any of these things. I have that luxury. So I don't mind doing the dirty work for other people like this. I've done it before. Even at the cost of my job. No biggie to me.

However, I'm starting to wonder who I hate more in this scenario, the asshole who is stepping on his fellow employees for his own gain, or the spineless, ineffectual automatons who bend over and take it up the ass to save their jobs. I think maybe the latter.

Anyway, I only have one week left with these folks. This has made my decision to leave HUFS a very easy one. Enrollment was down this year and when that happens the school normally just offers TOEFL or TOEIC courses. That's about as boring as it gets. I would rather teach in rural China than teach TOEIC or TOEFL. And this school is going in the wrong direction in dealings with the foreign teachers with the management flexing its muscles more every day. So will Dean and I don't particularly want to see that. With these as my fellow employees I don't think I'd be able to protest if they tried to make us all teach in thong underwear. In winter. Outside. Using the snow as our whiteboard and pee as our marker. Teaching rote memorization of the dictionary.

My apologies to Rose who has more balls than the rest of them put together. I'm not grouping her in with the others.

I have some other options and I have recently heard news that immigration is thinking twice about the new regulations so I'm not too nervous about moving. I have a very good shot at working for a place that I was happy at before. Or I could always find work in Jan. or Feb. I suspect there will be a low enough demand for jobs here that I'll look good to any school and I'll have my pick of some sweet jobs. MUCH better than HUFS.

HUFS is one of the top English schools in Korea. It has the hardest level test to get into the English program in Korea. The students are great. I will miss them. But, as usual, the management in the place feels like because of the reputation of HUFS they are bullet proof. So they treat the employees badly and end up with the dregs of the ESL teacher crop. Hmmmm. Do crops have dregs? Holy mixed metaphors Batman.

I hope some of the dregs will get lost in the immigration law confusion.

Friday, November 30, 2007

A lot of people ask me why I haven't hooked up yet with a nice Korean girl. I usually say something like the cultural gap is too wide but it is so hard to explain. Not any more!

http://www.mongdori.com/forums/read.php?2,901

All I have to say is WOW!

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

The Rumour Mill is Grinding.

All kinds of rumours are flying around here about big changes in the ESL industry. People are freaking out and bombarding poor Dave Sperling with discussion forums about mandatory physical examinations for drugs and AIDS, criminal record checks, interviews at consulates in home countries making the old Japanese visa runs a thing of the past, and some other scary stuff.

People are exchanging panicky information about how you have to be fingerprinted at a local Korean police station for 20 bucks then send a request for the criminal record check to the RCMP headquarters in Ottawa where you fill out forms to release the information and one for if you happen to be charged with sexually assaulting a kid. Then it takes 4 months to be processed, (probably more with the influx), and contracts here need to be renewed in February, 3 months from now.

Others are posting about how much it will cost to have a good medical examination, (which is harder than you might think to get here in Korea), and how of the 12,000 ESL teachers over here, even with the better AIDS tests some 24 people without HIV will be misdiagnosed and sent home.

Still others are doing some online chest pounding and saying how they will not submit to such racist and unfair treatment. They're going home and they know all kinds of other teachers who are leaving.

I've been here long enough to know I needn't pack my bags just yet. A couple times while I've been here the Korean government found ESL teachers using fake degrees to get their work visas and deported several people. Even put one girl in jail for 6 months. The rumours at these times about new laws were pretty scary but the end result were a few rules that almost nobody follows any more and a RE-verification of diplomas that I think cost about 20 bucks.

I was told by a grizzled old veteran friend of mine who's been here 14 years that many years back they were trying to require a 4-year degree for all ESL teachers here. There was an uproar and a high ranking Kiwi official put the kibosh on that idea.

Koreans are emotional. It's one of their charms. I prefer it to robotic people who never show their feelings. It seems more honest. Unfortunately, when you live in a Confucian, face-saving society and you have a temper it's not so easy to just admit to blowing your stack. You need to make it look like you weren't just being a dumbass and that's not always easy.

When the illegal degrees were found Koreans were incenced about foreigners "stealing" their money and posing as educators when they were just ordinary citizens. And before they gave it a good long think they reacted. Then little by little stories of Korean phonies in high public positions like major Korean museum curators, architects, scientists, art exhibition officianados/university profs., even belly dancers and monks who had forged degrees from Harvard, Yale and the like began to arise. And if you learn enough about the Korean "education" system you know it is full of regular people posing as educators. But try as I might, I couldn't find a single one of them who served any jail time.

Other stories arose stating that the Canadians that had been deported had been given their phony credentials by the bosses of the schools they had worked at, none of whom were punished in any way. Estimates were made and stats were compiled and it was found that probably thousands of people in Korea have purchased and used forged degrees to get employment here, few being foreigners. So that witchhunt has abated somewhat.

It has been replaced by the latest proposed rounds of drug and AIDS tests, record checks and trips home for foreigners which are in obvious retaliatory response to a couple guys who have recently been exposed as foreigners having sex with Korean girls including children. There was one guy who had a website describing how easy it was to get young, Korean students into bed. I think he was talking about girls of college age. But the latest is this asshole named Christopher Paul Neil who abused kids as young as 6.

I don't know if any of you remember Cho Seung Hee. He was the Korean kid who shot up the Virginia Tech. classroom. Did the U.S. tighten immigration laws or impose any new restrictions on Korean student visas because of him? Nope. Nobody even remembers who he is. But I don't know when we'll ever hear the last of this Neil guy.

A couple foreigners use fake degrees, smoke some drugs in Thailand and have sex with Korean girls so now we're ALL a bunch of doped up oversexed, STD transmitting, counterfeiting sexual deviants to Koreans. It's not that bad but obviously these new laws make it seem so. To put it into perspective, and expose them once and for all for what they really REALLY are, I have personally worked at 2 schools here in which a male Korean teacher had been caught sleeping with a female student. In both cases the teacher was suspended. You know, to take care of the "face" issue presented. But in both cases the teacher was also re-hired as a teacher AT THE SAME SCHOOLS. Neither served a day in jail or paid a dollar in fines or reparations. These are just two incidents I've heard about personally. I may have even met the teachers for all I know. I have no doubt there are plenty of incidents like this every year. But when a foreign teacher sleeps with a Korean student it's got to be dealt with!

I'm aware that what Neil did was pedophilia and it's a considerably more serious thing. I don't much like talking about such things. Let me say this: I've been told by many Koreans that homosexuality does not exist in Korea but know the opposite to be true. It not only exists but since the forbidden fruit is always the sweetest, it thrives here. How much MORE forbidden is sex with kids? There is more than one reason why Koreans are making sure that the swirly face of pedophilia in this country is a foreign one. Incidentally, to come full circle in this article, one of the things that Virginia Tech gunman Cho obsessively wrote his shock stories about was pedophilia. Anyway, my point with this whole mess is, if Koreans start changing laws and cracking down on pedophiles here like they did with the phony degrees, they'll have to start looking beyond the foreigners and I have little doubt they won't like what they find. It has been a huge shot to Korean national pride finding all the academic fakes in the country. It came as no surprise to any foreigner here. But think of the beating their national pride will take when they start exposing Korean pedophiles. I think they had better think a little harder about starting that witch hunt.

And there will be a considerable number of people shocked and disenchanted with Korea when they find out that there are Koreans who use drugs and/or have AIDS too.

What we need is for some high level official from a foreign country who impresses the Korean government officials enough with his credentials for them to listen to him to get these new laws postponed until such time as they don't seem petty, retaliatory and racist.

I don't mind the new laws at all. In fact it's high time they had criminal checks here. I know of a guy who was a repeat offender working here for several years until one of his students found his mug shot and armslength list of offenses online. And there are plenty misfits, undesirables and absolute losers who have found their niche in ESL teaching here where people can't speak English well enough to discover what kind of zero their teacher is. We've all worked with them and wondered how they got here. Hopefully the new laws will weed some of them out.

I'm a bit worried about the physical. I know I've got high blood pressure and my liver's seen better days. But I'm 40 and haven't yet had the dreaded prostate exam so I'll kill two birds with one stone. I'll just make sure I don't see BOTH of the doc's hands on my shoulders while he does it. Yeah, I know. That's why I haven't gone in yet.

And I think some angry Korean government official cocked off about how he'll implement visa renewal laws that force foreigners to renew work visas in their own countries before he bothered to look at a map. This is going to scare a lot of people away and probably be costly for a very lucrative industry for Korea, (not to mention me). But it might also be good in that it forces Korean schools to appreciate the teachers they have, treat them better and hold on to them longer. Or at least that's what should happen logically if you figure how much extra it's going to cost schools here to fly new teachers around and how much lower the demand for Korean ESL jobs will become.

I really doubt these rumours will amount to much if anything. But there IS always a chance that I'll be coming home earlier than expected. These damn crackdowns on foreigner comfort and convenience make an unstable job just that much moreso. But I still love this gig and hope for the best.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007


It's been a long time since I posted. I've been a bit, hmmm how shall I describe it, going-thru-the-motiony lately. I'm at the point in the semestre when the routine has become routine. Week in week out same old same old. I've finished everything at work but the final exam. I still love my job but it's almost time for an infusion of adventure to shock the system awake.
Then I look at the last few posts here and I think about the last few movies I've watched, (Enron the Smartest Guys in the Room, Fay Grim, An Inconvenient Truth, Roger and Me), and the most recent topics I've dealt with in the classroom, (endangered species, recycling), and I guess I have been pretty down on the world. I must be a little bit like the angel of death to talk to too. One of my students brought up the topic of "good politicians" the other day and I launched into a pearl-to-swine diatribe about how big business is the hand up the political puppet ass and the only good politician is the one who pulls it out and they are usually dispatched in some way from politics or from the earth so there are not many examples.
Another student during an exercise where they ask appropriate questions to elicit responses from partners was trying to get the answer "Bill Clinton" and asked, "Who was president before George Bush?" I piped up and said, "Al Gore! For a few days."
And then my good buddy Scott mentioned how the shift for ESL teaching seems to be toward China and I dug up an article I had written a couple years ago when I found out Canada was doubling its trade with the devil, I mean China, and sent it to him. China has been aware of its population problem for years and has been eliminating its people with any method available, the most recent is environmental destruction. Talking about systematic elimination of "lesser" citizens, torture, cannibalism, slave labour, non-suppression of AIDS and SARS, pollution, and wonderful euphamisms the world and the Chinese use to keep those cheap Chinese slaves a comin' like "human rights violations", "reform", "the great leap forward", "accords", "protocols", "UN resolutions", "cultural revolution", "global ecology" etc. And what the hell, give the least Olympic, (not to mention the most polluted), country in the world the Olympics to put a positive face on the place where all this nastiness has happened - in our lifetimes.
I dare anybody to read that article I wrote, then watch a few of the documentaries produced by Americans ABOUT American greed, lust for money and capitalism run amock and not identify with terrorists just a little bit. The terrorist in Fay Grim was one of the good guys! A couple other must-see documentaries are "Manufacturing Consent" and "The Corporation". I don't think the latter is really produced by Americans but is mostly about them. Americans are the greatest chroniclers of how their own companies are destroying the world. But the only people who seem willing to do anything about it are called terrorists.
Don't get me wrong, I won't be running off to join Al Quaeda any time soon. They're too violent. But sometimes it seems the only thing that makes a big impression on people IS violence. I wish we could somehow pull off a non-violent 9-11. Like massive boycotts that drive big businesses into receivership. But I doubt that'll happen. We like our creature comforts. Other times I think I might be better off beating a Thoreauian path into the forest and never coming back out.
So you see, I HAVE been a little depressed lately. But I didn't think I LOOKED depressed. A few days ago I was riding the subway and an old Korean lady got out of her seat, smiled at me and gave me the tract you saw at the beginning of this post. I'm talking OLD. She took a minute to get out of her seat. I didn't put up any protest because generally old Korean ladies like her don't speak much English. I bet she spoke some Japanese but no English. I actually even read the tract right through. But the thing I instantly wondered when I read the cover was, "Can people see the weight of the world on me?" And then I guess I got a little more depressed about not just being depressed but also LOOKING depressed. I gotta snap outta this!
But have no fear, the Philippines are here! I'll be spending Christmas in the Philippines this year with friends. One of my Filipina friends I met here in Korea is getting married and my buddy Kasia and I are going together to the wedding. We know two of her brothers too so it'll be fun to see them all. All the fireworks at Christmas will blast away any bad thoughts I'm sure. And then I'm going to meet a Korean friend of mine, Min Ha, in the Phils for New Years. More fireworks and probably many San Miguels.
Anyhoo, for any of you who still look at this once in a while. Don't worry about me. I'll be okay. I think...

Sunday, October 21, 2007

A Really Tough Question

Here’s a really tough question to answer: In the final analysis; when all is said and done; when you get down to brass tacks; and, (ugh), yes, I suppose, at the end of the day what is the difference between kids and adults?

To be flippant, and to use the final cliché, which, Lord knows, hasn’t quite been used to death already, the end of the day is usually much earlier for the kids.

But this is a serious question and I shouldn’t be so nonchalant about it. I guess my chalant answer would be something like a kid becomes an adult when Life has somehow managed to suck enough of itself out of her/him to turn wide-eyed wonder and honest delight in existence into jaded boredom and cold calculation.

But don’t go thinking this is one of my dark days. I’m actually in a good mood today. I just finished a long, long weekend and had a nice visit from some friends. The preceding was one of my more positive answers to this impossible question. But all of my explanations seem to require further explanation. Hmmm…

Maybe I should start small and just try to do a self-applied Freudian head shrink to determine what social interactions, world events, thoughts, TV shows and other stimuli have conspired to bring this particular question to the forefront of my inner, and now outer monologue at this time.

It’s not that it has been bugging me more than usual. No I have a collection of things that are ahead of this question on THAT list. Like when did “hand-eye” co-ordination become “eye-hand” co-ordination? When did the “#” sign change from “number” to “pound”? Isn’t the cursive L with two lines through it actually a pound sign? People who say “irregardless”, “kinda really”, “just simply”, “at the end of the day”, or my all time least favourite word: “whom”. My favourtie word of all time is “lozenge”. Just so you know. Why shrimp are ever ever EVER cooked with the damn tails still on. I’m gonna invent a glove that just covers the thumb and forefinger that you wear so you don’t burn your fingers while squeezing the decorative tails off shrimp at fancy shmancy restaurants. God I hate that. Actually, I reckon I’ll move that right up to the top of the list of things that are especially bugging me right now. People who don’t know the difference between “comprised of” and “comprising”. And the self-interview is starting to get on my nerves too. You know what I’m talking about: “Do I know the answer? Yes. Will I tell it to you? Yes. Can I figure out why this is such a popular thing? No.”

Then there’s the list of things that always annoy me. Why mosquitoes and other blood-sucking insects exist. Pretentious people.

Wait a minute. Here, I believe, is where my question fits in. Let me hit you with two more questions: Have you ever seen a grown up who just never grows up? I think we all have. In fact that is a partially secret lifetime aspiration of mine. Question number two is have you ever seen a pretentious kid?

When we think carefully about these two questions I think we can rule out age as being any kind of determining factor on when kids become adults. To my way of thinking; in my book; if you ask me a grown up who has never grown up is just a person who hasn’t perfected the fine art of pretentiousness. Or perhaps just made a conscious choice, (bless him/her), not to practice it. And I feel; if you want my honest reckoning on the matter; to call a spade a spade acting like an “adult” is just another form of pretentiousness. We are, after all, “acting” like adults. Pretentious, pretending, acting… To expound; do ya one better; go whole hog maybe they are all one and the same. To whit; in effect; i.e. maybe the actual point when a person espouses pretentiousness as an acceptable practice IS the point when he/she becomes an adult.

Yet another question: have you ever known a pretentious person who wasn’t really, really, REALLY concerned about what others thought of him/her. To be more specific, …really concerned about others thinking that they are not a kid but an adult? I can’t think of one at the spur of the moment; off the top of my head; out of left field.

Of course there is the issue of responsibilities. How can a person stay a kid forever? They have responsibilities! Jobs, spouses, kids… I suppose this is true and I don’t for one minute think that a person should shirk their responsibilities. But being a kid isn’t all about being irresponsible. In fact I’ve seen some very responsible kids. Being an adult isn’t all about taking on extra responsibilities either. In fact if you look at the big three that I’ve already listed aren’t they just three really good ways to remove all doubt from the minds of nay saying parents and relatives, skeptical friends and even people we don’t know about how grown up we are?

When we get a job we even dress “professionally” which really means “like an adult”. Why can’t I wear shorts and a tee shirt while I teach. OH GOD why can’t I??? Especially in the summer. Well, ONLY in the summer I guess. I’d look pretty silly dressed like that in winter. But I reserve the right to do so if it tickles my fancy; floats my boat; cures what ails me; makes me happy.

I guess this brings up the stimuli that has caused me to write about this tonight. It is night here. Late at night actually. I got out of bed troubled by this question and thinking of my aforementioned houseguests, (one of them most particularly), and one of my students. You see both did something very similar and child-like but I was having a hard time forgiving the one, not the other. My friend’s five-year-old boy made a few messes at my house while he was visiting. He quickly apologized and I had no trouble forgiving him. Whereas; however; in contrast; conversely; on the other hand one of my students who is in her early twenties missed my midterm exam. She apologized profusely but I’m having a hard time forgiving her. You see I’m holding her to a higher standard because she is supposed to be an adult. Responsible for her actions.

I suppose she DID do the adult thing and lied to me about the reason for missing the exam. Then told me a few other lies while pleading with me to take a make-up test during my free time. And I admit I lied to her and invented plans that I had that made it impossible for me to test her during that time. We had a “professional”, “adult” conversation. This made me think more deeply about my job.

Let’s face it, we get jobs so we can afford, (or in most cases just so we can have a steady income which qualifies us for bank loans, credit cards, mortgages etc.), adult things like cars, jewelry, apartments, furniture, vacations, and with any luck, (bad or good), a spouse and kids.

Finally we’ve reached the acid test of adulthood. It’s really quite simple after all this rambling on and on. If a person has debt, they are an adult. If a person wears a triple mortgage like an albatross around her/his neck, they are no longer a kid. If they punch a time clock; run the rat race; suffer through the same old grind day in and day out they are all growed up. With only a few exceptions, debt = adulthood. We either have to be stinking rich or filthy poor, or vice versa, to have the luxury of remaining a child. Or old and retired by which time we’ve completely forgotten how to be a kid. Usually.

So then why don’t all rich people act like kids? Why don’t they enjoy life like children? It seems to me; I figure; In my humble opinion there is one more problem here: how does one get rich enough to revert back to childhood while still maintaining enough innocence and goodness to make it possible? As my good friend William Shakespeare might say, “Aye, there’s the rub.” For while accruing our fortunes we enter into all sorts of evil doings that strip away our childhood. Like forcing yourself to be nice to coworkers, bosses, clients, students, supervisors, work acquaintances you absolutely can’t stand. Being given a budget to throw a company Christmas party, using half and pocketing the rest. Telling your supervisor how gallactically brilliant you think she is. Phoning in sick so you can (insert activity here). Acting like you don’t really mind the bosses bad hairpiece or his sexual innuendo. Telling a client that yes this (insert product here) really IS the best. (insert personal example here).

Lying, cheating and stealing, or even worse, for our careers. These are the things that slowly erode our childhood. And how do we justify piling these little sins one on top of the other? Of course, we do it for our spouses and our kids!

So other than never having a spouse, kids or even a job, there’s really only one solution. And if you go to third world; developing; poverty stricken; disadvantaged; underprivileged countries you will see what I mean. You either have to get rich honestly, (and while you’re at it jam a camel into the eye of a needle if I may wax Biblical), or stay poor to be happy. I often marvel at the people I see when I travel through poor countries in Southeast Asia. They all seem so much happier than me and I’m the one on vacation! Here’s a guy selling cold pineapple on the beach in Indonesia at a subsistence, (if that), level smiling, skipping and singing while he works. His house, (hovel), was just destroyed by an earthquake and he had no insurance. He recently lost some friends and family to a huge tsunami. You can't wipe the smile off his face with plastic surgery.

I’m just lost in thought walking down the beach trying to enjoy my vacation. Of course I have some important statistics to text message to accounting so that I can get the appropriate forms to claim this trip as a tax deduction. I also have an e-meeting with a client I hope to meet immediately after my vacation. Plus I have to devise a way to convince that client to buy my service/product for more than it’s worth. And there’s the quarterly report due in a week that may force me to end this vacation prematurely depending on whether the boss realizes I promised to be back in a week but am staying in Bali for two. But I’m so much more mature; grown up; adult than that pineapple salesman. Goody for me!

In summation; to conclude; so the upshot of the whole matter is the difference between adults and kids is debt and the misery that comes with it. Even though we all know that it would be great to maintain the happiness of childhood we want all the toys and trappings that turn us into downtrodden, shitkicked adults and we want them all NOW!!! WAY before we can afford them. We thereby voluntarily take on the responsibilities of life that suck most of the goodness out of us thus turning us into adults. And the height of successful adulthood is when you've made and trained one or more people to do exactly the same thing.

I think I'll forgive that student and tell her to stay a kid for as long as she can.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Albatross. Get your Albatross here.


What a difference the weather can make! I woke up this morning with a song in my head, (Scorpions-Where the River Flows), WELL rested, full of energy and not cranky. I went for my usual Flandersish 6 Km. night walk last night, (by the river), and came back sweaty, not half melted. It was gorgeous! I was the only one wearing just shorts and t-shirt. I actually saw my breath, (and some steam coming off my head when I took off my hat), a couple times. I also saw something that blew me away: a river otter!

If you don't know how cute these little critters are check out this website. They're smart too! I saw a few of them during my trip to Thailand. There was a guy in the water with them feeding them fish and they did tricks for the fish. I read that in Malaysia they are trained to fish. I went to Undersea World in Pattaya and saw the river otters there. When I left I said to myself that I wanted a few of my own. They are just that cute. Kinda like Thai girls. Heh heh.
So I'm just about finished my walk. I get to about the 5 K point when the trail gets a bit darker and less used and I see something that looks like a cat on the trail way ahead of me. It sees me coming but keeps walking along the trail away from me crossing occasionally. I get closer and closer and see that it's not a cat at all. I've seen a couple cats on the trail before and they're much more skittish than this guy was. You have no idea how rare actual wildlife is in Korea until you come here. I've been hiking all over this country and seen snakes and rodents. That's it. So the little otter stops on the side of the trail and just stays there. I moved over to the other side as I walked by so as not to scare it away but no chance of that. I think it was just as curious about me as I was about him. Maybe, like all the people I passed on the trail, it was thinking, "Look, there's a foreigner! And he's only wearing shorts and a t-shirt."
As I got a little past it I stopped. Then it went a little way into the bushes beside the trail. But it was still watching me. Then I made the noise I make to call any animal. The kissing noise. Like every animal speaks two languages: its own and this kissing noise. I saw the foliage move a little deeper in. I didn't see it again.
I remember one other time seeing a rodent on the trail at about the 2 K point. It was bigger though. More like a prairie dog. And it didn't run away until after I had past it either. I sure hope these animals mate. Well, not with each other. Although that would be okay. Plenty of foreigners mate with Koreans. I've never been one to object to that. Anyway, it would be so cool to see wildlife on my walks once in a while! I'm gonna bring my camera next time. And I might buy a little bag of fish. That's not gonna make my walk any easier but if I can get some pics of this little guy I might be one of the first wildlife photographers in Korea! Besides, I don't imagine there are enough fish in this river to keep the otters fat. I've seen one fish in the river once and it was floating moreso than swimming. Maybe this'll encourage me to walk more too.
This is just making my favourite time of year even better. It's settled: my favourite time of year is the fall. For so many reasons. NHL and NFL are starting. (NHL today!). MLB playoffs. Chuseok holidays. Halloween, Thanksgiving. Lots of family birthdays. New TV seasons and shows. How bout that first episode of the new Office season? And Survivor is going fine. They got rid of the one I wanted this week. Even though I loved it when she said to Dave, "I don't need your life lessons, just tell me what to do," Ashley just had to go. But the best episode of anything I've seen for a while was the most recent Family Guy. I had a sore stomach after that one. Even though fall IS back to work season, I like it best while over here in Korea. Maybe when I get back to Canada where the winters are a bit harsher and summers not so unbearable, I might change. But we'll blow up that bridge when we get to it.
Hmmmm. Bridges, walks by the river, water rodents, perspiration, "Where the River Flows", there seems to be a theme in this entry here. Water water everywhere.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Happy Chuseok!

It's Chuseok here in Korea. Or to be more accurate, Chuseok has just finished. But for me, since I don't work on Fridays, it is a break of 10 days during which I only have to work one. That day was yesterday. A Thursday. A Thursday after Itaewon Pool League Wednesday, unfortunately. Let me splain.

Chusoek is Korean Thanksgiving. It is the end of summer and usually the weather makes a miraculously sudden change on one day during Chuseok and never is summer heard from again until the following year. I think today is that day. I actually used my blanket while sleeping last night for the first time since last spring. The modifier in the previous sentence is intentionally dangling because for all intents and purposes, I DON'T sleep in the summer in Korea. I just sweat, toss and turn, wake up 10 or 20 times to take on or unload liquid, exchange wet bedding for dry, towel off, or turn on the air con for another hour, get hungrier and grumpier. I hate Korean summer with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns, but it's Chuseok, it's Chuseok, thank God it's Chuseok!

Chuseok is the harvest time celebration for Koreans. They celebrate with family. They usually go away from Seoul and into the "country" to an older relative's house clogging roads and polluting the air with car exhaust so that Korean towns almost resemble large, Chinese cities. But not Seoul. Seoul is awesome during Chuseok! It's relatively empty. No traffic, no line-ups, no hustle, no bustle. Many businesses close and conveniences like transit and taxis are cut back but everything needed, (7-11 and bars), is open during Chuseok. So despite offers to join the mass exodus away from Seoul and visit friends in the nether regions of Korea, (something I swore off after about a 14-hour trip from Kangwha Do to Yong In, normally a 4-hour trip, during Chuseok my first year in Korea), I stayed close to Seoul this Chuseok.

Itaewon, a sort of foreigner district of Seoul, is a lot of fun during Chuseok. I hung out there this year and played pub sports and drank with friends. It was great. The only problem was the one day of work. It happened to be the day after pool night. I take a 2-hour trip into Seoul from Yangju on Wednesday nights so that I can play, (lose), two or three games of pool for my team, (Woodstock Rocks), in the Itaewon Pool League. After the match finishes up, (10:30-11:00 pm), I can hop on the very last subway for a 3-hour trip home. But the prospect of 3 hours on or waiting for subways is far less appealing to me than most tortures. The alternatives, which I usually end up choosing, involve chemical mind alteration, sleep deprivation, dehydration, personal hygiene neglect, forced labour and therefore literally ARE torture.

This past Wednesday Woodstock Rocks played the Wolfhound Pub. After my two hour trip, rushing to the Wolfhound pub to make it exactly at 7:30 I waited an hour for my first game. In my first game I sunk 5 balls in my first shot. The guy I played sunk all HIS balls plus the 8 on his shot. So I lost having only shot once. Then I waited another hour for a game of doubles that was more competitive but which Chris and I lost. That was it. You can understand why I decided that taking a 3-hour trip home after that would have made all my efforts seem not at all worth my while. What the hell, I don't sleep during the summer anyway!

So I went back to Woodstock to play some pool on a familiar table in a familiar bar and vie against, (lose to), familiar people. Since I am a drunken pool master I felt some chemical mind alteration via C.C., Smirnoff and Sambuca was in order. PLENTY of mind alteration. Then some time around the hour of 5 the owner of Woodstock, Mr. Woo, offered me the use of his drunk bunk, which I gratefully accepted considering myself lucky to be getting any sleep at all. Some Wednesday nights, including the previous one, I don't sleep at all. So after closing my eyes for an hour or two I washed my face and hair with cold water, ate a Macdonalds big breakfast and went to work. I taught from 10-6 dehydrated, unshowered, hungover, tired as hell and in the same smoke and alcohol scented clothes I had worn all night.

As luck would have it, one of the workers at H.U.F.S. was going from classroom to classroom with "surveys" for the students to take. I use the quotation marks to imply that these surveys were fake. Chuseok is the biggest holiday of the year in Korea. It was Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday this year. Lots of my students had told me that most of their other teachers, (the Korean ones), had cancelled classes on Thursday and Friday. And on Thursday it was obvious to me that this was true. The school was deserted. Nobody with half a brain would choose this day to do any survey. But at the beginning of this term we, (the foreign English teachers), were given a memorandum with instructions not to cancel classes or shorten them in any way. The "surveys" were probably just an excuse to check up on us. And while the "surveyor" was in my classroom looking into my blooshot, hungover eyes and probably smelling my sweaty, smokey stinkiness, one of my dear students came up to me and said, "David! David! Is only one hour class today?"

I have an hour-long class and a two hour class in the morning and the same in the afternoon on Thursdays. I had let the students from my morning two-hour class go home after an hour and was planning to do the same with my two hour afternoon class. Aparently my student, Na Ra had found out from a member of my morning two-hour class. But with the "surveyor" now fully aware of the possibility of my doing this, I had to teach the whole two hours just in case she DID give the survey to my class. You see she WAS in my class but she left without giving the survey, then told me she would be back "later" to give it. She never came back but I taught the full classes in the afternoon.

I have sworn several times to quit the damn pool team. We had too many players last week anyway. Mr. Woo, our best player, only played one game because of it. I'm very close to picking up the phone right now and quitting. But after a nice long weekend and Wednesday off, I'll probably be ready to go through this nonsense again next week. Arrgh! But at least it's finally fall!

Happy Chuseok!

Friday, September 21, 2007

Surviving

I just finished watching the first episode of Survivor China and I'm not one to complain but... well okay, I AM one to complain, so I will.

We were only seconds into the episode when I started making a list of things to complain about. Can somebody please teach Jeff Probst that there are 5 vowels, (sometimes y), in the English language? What does he have against the letter U? "Oltimate challenge", "Oltra modern Shanghai", "ancient colture". During the last Survivor I thought that maybe Skoal chewing tobacco had paid him to call Skull Island "Skoal" Island, but I guess not.

And already we're starting with the ever-present mysticism and reverence inexplicably attached to all things Chinese. Probst called it one of the oldest countries in the world and commented on the ancient culture, (or "colture"), that dates back 5000 years. Maybe this is where all the wide-eyed awe comes from. Folks there has been no material evidence found to prove that the Huangdi, Yao, Shun, Yu or Xia dynasties ever existed. That would shave about 1400 years off this 5000 year claim. And we're just taking the Chinese at their word on the other 3600.

Given the facts that a) Chinese people are the ones proudly telling everyone about their 5000 year old culture and they just might have a bias, b) they are well known for being superstitious, and c) deception is not only regarded as allowable, but actually described as a MORAL in China, you would think people might have a bit more healthy skepticism about this. Jeff Probst actually gave both teams The Art of War by Sun Tzu which is one of the places where deception, (lying), is promoted as a moral. I'm not saying lying won't help in Survivor but geez they're sure getting punk'd by the Chinese. Pei Gei, (who I will call), P.G., (cuz I can't spell it the other way), was even crying for Buddha's sake!

"This is not a religious ceremony", says Probst, "the people of this land want you to feel welcome." So they force you to go into a hot, sweaty temple loaded with idols where you bow to them and pray in very specific style for a long time. Boy THAT must have made about the same impression of WELCOME as, hmmmm, I don't know, the Great Wall? And by the way, somebody used the moral of deception on Probst. That WAS a religious ceremony and I don't blame Leslie for getting the hell out of there. And I kinda liked Courtney for showing a bit of backbone there and talking about the monks as "dudes" who probably aren't able to fly through trees a la Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon or any Kung Fu movie.

In fact Courtney was the person I liked the best in episode one. Talking about her own private hell full of Sunday School teachers and flight attendants. And how they are all so faux upbeat and ersatz positive about everything. I may have misjudged her calling her a lame-o. * You can see my "Survivor Sandwiches" post where I made my early predictions if you scroll down a bit. But in my defence, she WAS one of the ones I felt most unsure about. At first I was going to write that I liked her artistic nature. But I'll admit, that's one wrong for me so far.

My early fave was PG and she was sucked in by the transcendency of China. But she quit smoking, studied, worked out and after all her efforts her team was loafing around and exchanging dance moves when they should have been building a shelter. Then after an unsheltered night in the cold rain they lost the challenge. I can understand her bawling for a second time. Unfortunately she was soothed by Dave's embrace and false platitudes. I wasn't wrong about him. He's a scoundrel. "I did not want to step into this position. At all." he lied about being cast as a leader. Another person he is already working is Ashley when she was sick telling her she won't be on the block then turned around and hoisted her up onto it. Voted for her too. After THAT I was almost glad she didn't get booted first.

I still want to see Ashley make an early exit. Even though she posed for Playboy, those balloons she is sporting are, strangely and for the first time, making me actually GLAD for the Survivor smudgers. But that's not the reason. She's just not an average person. A WWE star is about the last person who should be on REALITY TV. However, she scored points with her comment about PG barking out orders and taking a position of authority. "If you're gonna do that, you shouldn't be crying after challenges." she said. That was cool.

And speaking of boobs, Jaimie has already brought them into play. "I'm not wearing a bra!" she says. That was all she needed to do to survive this week. But she went ahead and added the briliant survival tactic of, "Anyone wanna find stuff with me?" I think I made THAT call right.

And staying with boobs, Sheria stood out for that reason. They might be a handicap in some challenges for her and her team. I think she's trying to be invisible though. So far.

It was Ashley who told Chicken to stop being negative and start being proactive. I'm with Courtney on this one. Stop the bubble-headed cheerleading. Being proactive is solving problems through action. But you can't solve them if you don't first identify them. That's what Chicken was doing. PG and Chicken were the only two who had the sense to think about survival and I have a feeling PG is next off the Fighting Tigers. It's strange that they both wanted the same thing but ended up not liking each other. I do agree with PG though that Chicken was a little too chicken. He should have stopped being a baby and started building a shelter. But as I predicted, he didn't want it badly enough. And I don't think he liked his tribe. I don't blame him that much. I think he woulda liked James, Amanda, Courtney, Denise, Leslie, but they're all on the other tribe.

I might have been wrong about lunch lady Denise being tough. Am I wrong or was she missing her family and crying BEFORE they even got to the location? That might be a new record.

John Robert says one of his strengths is reading players. If anyone has read Sun Tzu's book before, it's this guy. The art of deception is huge in poker. Getting people to believe you actually know what they're thinking, (not actually knowing what they're thinking), is how they get into people's heads and win at poker. But what was it that made him think Todd was NOT a flight attendant? I wonder if he's "read" that Todd is gay yet. Maybe I was wrong about him and he WON'T be a mental threat. But he won't help physically.

Eric and Amanda have been invisible. Probably according to their plans.

Finally, how bout that grave digger? He beat Frosty at the wall climbing! That was impressive. He reminds me of the Green Mile prisoner. Simple and harmless cuz a mountain of a man like that doesn't need to be mean. I sure hope he breathes some flies down Aaron or Dave's throat to get them to shut up.

Aaron and Dave. The fearless "leaders". These guys are the western practitioners of the Chinese moral of deception. Basically, all this eastern mysticism amounts to is a very common effect we get from psychology in the west: it doesn't matter if what you say is the wildest, most outlandish lie you can imagine. If people believe it, you now have a very powerful placebo effect going for you. There's a reason every Chinese movie ever made includes characters with superhuman abilities: they believe that shit! You should hear the fairy tales told in the Chinese media about "The Party"! And IF this powerful belief could be used for good, where's the harm? This is why it can be called a "moral". Sun Tzu called it a "moral" because if a battle can be won by deception alone then the leader has saved soldiers' lives and the lie was a moral one. A white lie.

We'll see how well Aaron and Dave can spin shit into shinola as the leaders. The placebo effect, (or the moral of deception), doesn't work if the leader isn't believed. I have a feeling these guys are gonna crash and burn. We'll see.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

The PGA Tour Playons

I like golf. You can tell by my charicature and my recent pics from Thailand. So I was pretty excited to hear that the PGA tour decided to have its version of playoffs this year. Well, after the opening two rounds of the "playoffs" the excitement has disappeared for me. They can no more be considered playoffs than the race for the leadership of the Chinese Communist Party. You think they didn't know Hu was going to win? Ar ar.

In fact, while playoffs create extra excitement in fans and desperate, balls-out, do-or-die play in the participants, the format for the "playoffs" in the PGA has accomplished the opposite. So they're anti-playoffs. Instead of calling them "playoffs" I'm going to call them "playons" from now on. Cuz that's what they are. Let me splain.

There ARE some things that make the playons look like playoffs. I'll start with those. There are some players who are knocked out of the playoffs based on poor play during the year. Only 144 players collected enough Fed Ex Cup points during the season to reach the playons. The other players have 4 weeks to steal tournaments from the lower level players on the Nationwide, Nike, or the Canadian tours where players sleep in cars, wives caddy and guys often spend more on travel expenses than they win. Screw the "have-nots". How much more capitalist can you get?

I'll tell you. There are four rounds in the playons. Like the NHL, my personal favourite playoff format. But it's just not the same. The first round is the Barclays at Westchester. Purse 7 mil. Winner gets 1.26. Bottom 24 players are cut. NOT the bottom 24 scorers at the Barclays but the bottom 24 after the screwy Fed Ex point tabulations. Next is the Deutsche Bank Championship. 7 mil. purse. Winner gets 1.26 mil. Bottom 50 players are cut. NOT the bottom 50 scorers from the Deutsche Bank but the bottom on the list of Fed Ex points. Then comes the BMW Championship at Cog Hill. That's this week. The top 70 vie for a purse of - you guessed it - 7 mil. Winner gets 1.26. 40 are cut and the top 30 play in the final. The Tour Championship presented by Coca Cola. Purse 7 mil. Winner gets 1.26 mil PLUS a bonus of 10 mil!!! That's capitalism!

There is a trophy for the winner. The Fed Ex Cup has never been kissed. Look at the sponsors of this travesty. Fed Ex, Coke, Barclays, Deutsche Bank, BMW. All huge corporations. Do they like golf? Nope. Do they like money? Yes. This whole thing is designed as a promotional gimmick to draw more attention to golf, their tournaments and their businesses. Huge corporations don't put up huge amounts of money unless there are even HUGER amounts of money to be made by doing so. Do you think they want little known players like Steve Stricker (-24), Rory Sabbatini (-23), Arron Oberholster (-20), Aaron Baddeley (-16), Rich Beem (-15), Sean O' Hair (-13), Heathcliff Slocum (-13), or Fredrik Jacobson (-9) to be the first to touch their lips to this shiny, silver trophy? Of course not! That would cut the profits significantly. There is a short list of guys who are supposed to win. The only two of the big guns performing well are Phil Mickelson, who won this past week and leads in combined score with -27 and Geoff Ogilvie who is -22. Way to go Phil and Geoff!

The scores accrued by the golfing elite over the first two rounds of the playons are: Tiger Woods -14 (since he took the first week off that's pretty good); Vijay Singh +5 with one missed cut (shameful); Charles Howell III +4 (terrible); Zach Johnson -9 (not too bad); John Rollins -3; Adam Scott -14 (great scott); Boo Weekely -7 (pretty good). And some players out of the top 10 the sponsors would like to see win: Ernie Els -12 (excellent considering, like Tiger, he took one week off); Sergio Garcia -11 (so far so good); Padraig Harrington -2 (pretty weak for the open champ); Retief Goosen +2 (pedestrian); Luke Donald +2 (boring); and Davis Love III even (that score sounds more like a Davis Like III).

Now for the reason I said the Fed Ex point system is whacky. Three of the top four guys have taken a round off! Woods just wanted to relax, K.J. Choi got hurt and withdrew and Phil is relaxing at the top of the list THIS week. And no matter what happens they'll all still be there or thereabouts for the Tour Championship next week. But they'll be well rested.

Come on! I mean COME ON! Who takes a round OFF in the playoffs??!!?? Guys in REAL playoffs like NFL or NHL have been known to play with broken legs, concussions and such.

Vijay Singh who I love but who has stunk the course out both weeks dropped from 6th place all the way down to 6th place! Jim Furyk, who shot the cut line with even par last week and was beaten by 55 guys went from 7th place all the way down to 7th. Ernie Els wasn't even there and he went from 10th down to 14th. Conversely, Phil Mickelson, who won the tourney and played spectacularly only moved up 4 places.

Rich Beem has played better than seven of the top ten and he's already been eliminated. Same with Fredrick Jacobson. A lot of the guys playing this week will play better than the guys who make it to the Tour Championship but they'll have to watch it at home on TV.

I don't think this is the playoffs. I think it's just a promotional scheme. It certainly isn't any more exciting than regular golf. If the bottom guys can't win and the top guys can't get knocked out, where's the excitement?

None of the players are really playing harder because their fates are pretty much sealed. Jose Maria Olazabal, who dropped from 98th to 100th last week, has the right idea. He hasn't played at all in the playons. Until they make the playons into playoffs I just might take the month off of watching them. Might that is. I don't think the new NASCAR or LPGA playoffs will do any better if they make the season points so important. The regular season should give a small advantage to the top players. That's it. The playoffs should be an entirely NEW season where everyone has a chance to win and everyone is also vulnerable.

I hope they change it next year.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Oh how I love Korea!

I thought that title might catch the eye of the few who read this once in a while. Because I don't often say anything positive about Korea. But hey, I don't often say anything positive about Canada either. I bitch about them cuz I want them to be better. Only love can lead to true anger. I'm not the smartest guy to ever write THAT.

So I must love Korea cuz it makes me soooo angry sometimes! Like the other day. I had just returned to Korea from Thailand and I was out on a walk to the local Lotte Mart to pick up some groceries. It's about a 2 Km. walk through rice fields and gardens. It's actually very pleasant. And I was soaking in the rural odours and sounds and thinking of how many much worse places there are where a guy could live. I even took a video with my brand spanking new camera. The country in Korea really is nice! Trees and greenery don't come to mind when the average person thinks of Korea but with all the rain and heat they had had, things had been growing while I was away!

It was a hot, sunny day but not quite as humid as usual. The smell of the rice roasting in the fields mixed with fertilizer and car exhaust to make the not so unpleasant signiture Korean countryside summer musk. It gave me a somewhat nostalgic feeling of being home.

I remember when I went to Thunder Bay for university. I hated it. For 7 years I hated it. Then I started to like it. Just before I left, I had finally grown accustomed to it. Thunder Bay has its own grain elevator/Lake Superior/car exhaust musk that is not unlike the Korean countryside's. Well I've been in Korea for 7 years now. I have hated it for long enough I guess. I'm finally accustomed to it.

I was feeling rather positive. I really have to be careful about that. I should know better. Just as I was leaving the trail and crossing the street that leads to Lotte Mart I saw a mother and her little boy who was riding a bicycle. The little boy saw me and informed his mother, "Omma, waegook saram imnida." This means, "Mom, here comes a foreigner." I'm positive the kid wasn't even of school age.

I tried not to let this spoil my good mood because it's happened countless times. I was even impressed that the kid didn't say, "Migook Saram imnida," which means an American person is coming. Not so long ago in Korea, THAT is what all the kids used to say. Baby steps.

And before we leave the topic, yesterday while walking past the soccer field at HUFS where I work I was watching the little kindergarten kids playing soccer. It's just incredibly cute. They all had on their colourful uniforms with extra large shorts and soccer cleats. The whole shebang. I couldn't help but smile. And while doing so I looked at a little girl on the sidelines. She gave me a big, pigtailly smile back. She then pointed at me and turned to her teacher to say something, but didn't. Then she looked back at me and said, "HELLO!" I literally sang, "HELLO!" back to her.

Goes to show that HUFS kids are just a bit further along. One of the reasons I like working there I suppose.

So I got to Lotte Mart and ANOTHER girl said hello to me. THIS time my response differed, however. I was looking at MP3 players and saw her approaching with her boyfriend. Or possibly just a male friend she WANTED to be her boyfriend. At any rate she was quite keen on the idea of impressing him with her humour. So as she approached she said, in Korean, "There's my friend over there," and proceeded to walk up to me, give a syruppy sweet smile and say, "HELLO."

This is a phenomenon I have explained before on the blog. It's exactly the same thing as a person driving by a field of cows and mooing out the window. If one of them looked up and mooed back, it would be hilarious, right? Well probably a hundred times in Korea people, (usually younger people but not always), who are with at least one other friend, NEVER alone, have said hello to me and laughed uproariously when I said hello in return. The little 3-year-old soccer girl didn't laugh when I said hello to her! She had more maturity than that.

But here was a high school aged chick trying to impress a boy by having a laugh at the foreigner's expense. I wasn't about to oblige. I have learned a trick that squelches the joke quite effectively. When a Korean tells a joke that bombs, (or even if what they said WAS funny but someone wants to appear funnier by insulting them), the response will be something like, "That isn't funny." or "There's a cold wind here." or "I'm feeling chilly." or "I have goosebumps." I have learned how to say these things in Korean. So I pierced a hole right through the girl, (just with my eyes), and said, "Jaimee eopsoyo." It literally means "not interesting" but it tells you a great deal about the Korean culture and its relatively recently acquired appreciation of humour when you realize that they don't even have a word that means "funny". This also contributes to their inability to distinguish between the English words "fun" and "funny". But if you talk to Koreans in English you'd think they were laughing their asses off all the time! "We do funny excise and play game in David class. David is funny teacher." Little do they know how funny I really am. Hoo hoo ha ha.

Back to Lotte Mart. The girl was shocked. The boyfriend gave her a look that seemed to mean, "That's what you get for assuming he can't understand you." or at least, "Oh well. You lost THAT battle of wits." Then they both speedwalked the hell out of there. I hope he realizes that he's too good for her. lol

I wish I had learned that trick a long time ago. But better late than never I guess. Now I practically look forward to little bastards playing the ubiquitous "hello" joke on me. The "not interesting" response hasn't yet failed to trump it. Always trying to improve Korea... even if it's one "Jaimee eopsoyo" at a time. I really must love this country!

One thing's for sure: I will never moo out a car window at a cow again. I feel for those poor cows. Me and Gary Lawson. (Far Side) Not enough to stop eating them... but I feel for the cows.

If that wasn't enough to make me fully aware that the holidays were over, the next day was Monday. Work! But we had a meeting before work. I had to go in earlier than usual. I thought I might have seen a bus waiting across the street at the stop. So I made sure no cars were coming and crossed on a red light. Unfortunately, (VERY unfortunately), the bus was the wrong one for me and I missed it anyway. So I sat down on the bench to wait and this Korean woman comes over to me. She was out excercising and her clothes and hair were wet with sweat and rain from the quick rain shower a few minutes before. I'd say she was in her mid twenties. "You KNOW red means stop don't you? Don't you know that law?"

I looked up at her angry face and said, "So you jaywalked right over to tell me that?" She really HAD gone diagonally right through the same intersection. I saw her. Either she ignored the question or didn't know what "jaywalked" meant but she still figured she had the high ground. "You'd better not cross the street during red lights."

I said, "Hey, when in Rome do as the Romans do." She probably didn't understand that and kept at me. "This is VERY dangerous. You'd better be careful." Now she wasn't angry at me but concerned for me. Right.

The intersection is one of so many in Korea where the light timing is ridiculous. There has been a lot of development in Yangju and just past the intersection there is a huge apartment complex. Nobody lives there but they thought they should time the lights optimistically. So generally I DO wait for the walk signal but while waiting I see one or two cars go through towards the apartments and ten pedestrians cross the crosswalk because, (and rightfully so), they aren't going to wait 3 minutes for some stupidly timed light. Maybe if there weren't so many silly lights like this Koreans might obey traffic lights? Ummmm... nah.

So I say, "So Koreans always wait for the lights?" She replies that she agrees and this is something she really hates about her people. Then she says, "So do you need any help? You look like you need help." I'm not sure what that meant but I'm sure she was trying to turn this accosting into something more like a polite gesture. Telling me I needed help was accomplishing the opposite.

"No thanks. I don't need your help." She was upset. "Oh so you KNOW every bus and every number? Where are you going?" Another pretty rude question. I told her I was going to the subway station and I know which buses to take. Just then bus 31 came and she asked me where it goes. "It doesn't go where I'm going." I replied.

"Okay, well I just thought I'd try to help out. Have a good day." she said. "Yeah, you too." I said.

It wouldn't be blogworthy if this was over. Two days later it was Itaewon Pool League night. I was at the subway station around 5 PM and no sooner did I step onto the platform when the woman in front of me turned around and said, "You know who I am don't you?" It took a few seconds because she had make-up on and wasn't wet. "Oh, yes I know who you are." I took my Ipod earphones out but kept them in either hand hoping she could take a hint. She couldn't.

"Where are you going?" "Oh I'm going to play pool." "Are you good at it?" "Sometimes good, sometimes not so good." "Most Koreans aren't very good even though we have lots of water." She had made the common mistake of thinking "swimming" pool when I said pool. Koreans all learn the word "pocketball" and think we English speakers use it. But she was going on and on defending Koreans' inability to swim. I had to interrupt her to explain that the "Konglish" word "pocketball" is what I had meant. She didn't like the word "Konglish" and started in on me about how long I've been in Korea and if I speak the language. I said I didn't speak it very well so she asks me which language I thought was harder to learn, Korean or English. She might as well have said that I was a dummy to have been here so long without learning the language and that even though she had made a mistake, at least she speaks English better than I speak Korean. She even made mention of my walking across the street on a red light. AGAIN! And asked what I would do if I died in Korea.

I sighed, dropped my earphones and tried to explain the "when in Rome" cliche. I even explained to her that I had owned a motorbike in Korea for two years and despite wanting to drive it like a Canadian, other motorist were constantly honking at me and motioning for me to ride on the sidewalk and between cars. Her response was, "So if I'm in America I should have lots of sex and do drugs?" Yeah, cuz that's all they do in America. She wasn't scoring any points.

She then asked, "How do you think about Koreans?" I answered that I really didn't like Koreans who were rude and argumentative. She launched into another defence which ended with, "You really don't like Koreans do you?" I said, "It's not that I don't like Koreans, it's that I don't like YOU. Please go away." She started blabbing some more so I said, "I have a better idea. You stay here and I'LL go away." So I move like 5 cars down the platform.

STILL not over. While riding the train I looked up at the sliding door that separates the cars and thought I saw her peeking through. I opened my phone and sent my friend, and captain of our pool team, Mr. Woo, a text saying that I thought I had a stalker. I was in the middle of that message when she came up to me and smilingly dropped a note on my lap. It was to the "good teacher".

In the note she explained that she just wanted to practice her English and appologized if she had made me feel weird. She had been spoiled by her parents. She explained that not ALL Korean people are rude and proceeded to warn me one last time about the dangers of disobeying crosswalk signals.

I haven't seen her since but have no doubt that I will bump into her again. Maybe if you look closely at the video you might be able to spot her following me down the path to Lotte Mart. Geez I hope not!

Friday, August 24, 2007

Survivor Sandwiches

I had a summer job at a military museum one year during my lengthy education at Lakehead U. The guy in charge was a really cool guy named Myles. He was a corporal and his wife got promoted before him to captain. The reason I mention this to you is because his wife probably broke the news to him something like this: Hey, honey, I'm gonna be making more money so we can move into that new house we've been looking at. I'm being promoted to captain and I WILL outrank you but as Colonel Nathan R. Jessup says, "If you haven't gotten a blowjob from a superior officer, well you're just letting the best in life pass you by."

I don't want to give away Canadian military secrets but this is what is called the "sandwich". The meat in the sandwich is the bad news and you cover it up with two slices of good news bread so that it'll go down more easily. Myles taught me that. And it has served me well in my teaching career. I think if you are in just about any position of authority, (or perceived authority), there will be occasions where you would be well served to make a few sandwiches. Like me: "You have a really great attendance record! You're never late. Your overall average in my class is 10% so you are going to fail. You aren't equipped with the intellectual wherewithal to learn a second language and I have no idea why you bothered to take this class or how you managed to get the admission department to allow you to take it. Hey by the way, that's a really nice shirt you're wearing today!"

See? Works like a charm! I think life throws sandwiches at us now and then. Like today. It's my last real day of holidays. That's the meat. But the weather is cooling off and Survivor China and NFL football are both just around the corner. That's some nice bread. In fact when I got back to my beloved computer after using the crap you get in most of the internet cafes in Pattaya, I didn't plan a lesson or look at my class schedule. I checked out the 16 contestants on Survivor China. Quite a crop this time! I'm now going to give them all my VERY preliminary evaluations in sandwich form. I am gonna do this because it'll be cool to look back and see how I did. I could be totally wrong or I could be right. We'll see if I should go buy a chrystal ball.

Aaron the surfer- Likes blunt, honest people. I wish everyone were honest and blunt so I like that. Stuck up asshole. He thinks he's all that and baloney sandwich. How's that for blunt? He wants to be a leader, thinks possibly that surfing qualifies him for that position, but he doesn't want others to know he wants to lead cuz that's suicide on Survivor. No problem with lying, cheating and stealing. I hate this guy and hope he gets Kung Fu ed by a Shao Ling monk. But he might do well if he hooks up with some blunt, honest people like Courtney, Jaime and/or Denise.

Amanda the hiker- Almost a Canadian! Camps every weekend and has been to China twice. The first, (but maybe the best), of the "slash model" contestants. Evidently Survivor thought more about beauty than race this time. Thinks it's important to have an alliance in the beginning with an old, loyal person. She could get screwed this way especially if she allies with Dave or Jean-Rob. Chicken or Lunch Lady Denise might be better for her. She's more than just good looking. She's a true adventurer and should go far.

Ashley the Diva- Posed for Playboy. She says, "No tapping out," but she will get knocked out. She's rich and famous already and that makes her an obvious target. She better hope her team wins the first immunity challenge or she'll be first to suffer a three count. Posed for Playboy.

Chicken the farmer- Rudy-like popularity here. He'll make plenty of friends with his downhome wisdom and he'll get lots of alliance offers. He's too good to win. He's already satisfied just with making it on the show. Makes a good living so isn't hungry enough although without three squares a day he'll likely have more physical hunger than most. He'll probably deserve to win but won't. But I always like the farmers. I like his four F's: friends, family, fun, food.

Courtney the lame-o- Very honest. Seems like her life motto might be "whatever!" Not ready for reality TV. Or reality. China is as real as it gets. Has no idea what she's in for. Thinks there might be egg on spoon or three-legged races. Admits she's not strong, not athletic, will suffer from the heat, will cry a lot, has a big mouth that will get her into trouble. Strong candidate for 16th place if Ashley's team doesn't lose the first immunity challenge. Could extend her stay by staying out of arguments and allying with Aaron.

Dave the cereal box psychologist- Has been to China and likes the outdoors. Another of the "slash models". Thinks he's Dr. Phil. Says he deals with conflicts and solves problems well. Really chicks don't listen to his psychobabble, they're too busy looking at him. Could avoid an early exit by hooking up with the young and stupid who mistake his bullshit for pearls of wisdom.

Denise the lunchbuster- Tomboy. Tough. Survived hard times. Looks like every lunch lady I've known. Says she likes sharp objects but isn't one herself. I think she has a temper and could have a big blow-up with, for example, Courtney or Jaime. Will score points with her accent. Seems honest and real.

Erik the Christian rocker- Very pretty. In a band. You KNOW he gets more ass than a toilet seat. BUT, being a Christian he probably wastes it. He seems WAY too nice. His band will get much more popular because of this so he doesn't need the money. He's too soft. WILL get very hungry. He could quit, get kicked off for shaggin', or win the whole dang thing. He and Leslie could lead a Christian alliance. Christians don't fare too well in China though...

Frosti the snowcaulk?- Nobody but Heather and Mike will get that nickname. Well travelled. Good attitude. No dummy. He's young and may be naiive enough to get screwed by one of the bad guys. Probably a huge threat in physical challenges. This should be a plus but he might get voted off because of it. But if he's smart he'll only give 70-80%. Could win if he's got half a brain.

Jaime the rack- Camps a lot. Outdoorsy. Great tits! Says she wants to test her mental ability but will fail that test. Wants to win Miss Congeniality. Unfortunately Survivor doesn't have that prize. I think she has a temper and she talks too much. Could be fun to see the "nice" mask fall off if her looks, (tits), don't get her exactly what she wants. I'll be sad when they, I mean she get voted off.

James the undertaker- Sounds and looks dangerous. Has lots of Chinese friends from his work in bars. He's a loner and probably doesn't have a lot of mojo to work. Has Chinese friends, works in bars, buries people. Can you say Shinjuku? How bout Triads? I knew you could. If he doesn't win, maybe some people literally DON'T survive.

Jean-Rob the gambler- Big mental edge. Nobody will know what he's thinking. Impossible to trust. Used to air conditioned casinos and hotels. Out of shape. No physical value. He wants to use early days to evaluate others and find their "tells" then adapt to them. Probly won't last till the "adapt" stage. May be the first survivor voted off because of MENTAL threat. Very tall.

Leslie the zealot- Into fitness, sent 11 applications to Survivor, people person. I have a feeling she'll get on a lot of nerves pushing Jesus. Says she has a "dependance on God." You can't depend on God to get you the million. Seems very determined. Could lead a strong Christian alliance.

Peih-Gee the jeweller- Likes travel. Dancer. Hot bod. "Tiger raised in captivity released into the wild." Best quote of the preview. Quit smoking and drinking for the show. Exercised a lot. Watched previous seasons. But, her friends immediately thought she'd be the bitch when they found out she'd be on Survivor. She'll face a strong test to refrain from "bitching out" with this cast. She's very prepared and has home field advantage. I wanna do some things to her that ain't rated Peih-Gee if you know what I'm saying... My early favourite.

Sherea the volcano- Loves China, ready for adventure and SAYS she has great social skills. Says she suffered a great deal when HER MOTHER survived breast cancer. Claiming an ancestor's suffering as her own. Hmmm. Your Momma ain't the one in China Sherea. I doubt her 4th grade social skills will be enough to win the day. Seems very nice but her 4th graders probably don't oppose her the way the other survivors will. I called her the volcano cuz I think she could explode into the biggest beatch on the show. She doesn't trust anyone till they earn her trust. This could cost her. But it might help her too. There are some people not to be trusted. She may end up being a sweetheart. We'll see.

Todd the token- Positive. People person. Huge Survivor fan. A flight attendant? Never would have guessed. What would Survivor be without homosexuality? Gay Mormon is interesting though. Todd and Jaime seem to be a hyperpositive match made in Heaven. I think Dave and Jean-Rob will be licking their chops to ally with them then screw them. But he'll remain positive when he gets voted off. Very likeable though. Could go far if he is smart enough to avoid being BRAINLESSLY positive.

And there you have it. Next entry will be my football prognostications. Ha ha. No, not really. So in summation: Go Chicken, Amanda and Peih-Gee, Go home Ashley, Aaron and Dave. Watch out for: Frosti and James.

The tribe has spoken.