Why are people such assholes?

Why are people such assholes? You say that and instantly there are all kinds of negative assumptions made about you. You’re a dark person, a pessimist, a glass half empty sort of guy, a cynic, unhappy, depressed, a dark cloud, someone I don’t want to talk to, no fun at all, the angel of death, a piss on the parade, crap in your Corn Flakes breath of farty air.

But…

add “to each other”, (for those of you who are drunk or slow on the uptake, “Why are people such assholes to each other?”), and now you’re a caring, deep thinking, compassionate, informed, socially conscious, make a difference, do-it-don’t-just-say-it, world shaking, life embracing, people person.

What the hell? It’s true isn’t it? Well? What the fuck? Is there that much difference? I mean grammatically, mathematically it’s three words, 11 letters, one prepositional phrase. How can it make such a big difference? You know, don’t you? It’s because, “Why are people such assholes” implies the continuation, “to me?” (For those of you who are drunk or slow on the uptake, “Why are people such assholes to me?”). We hate it when people are selfish, self-important, self-indulgent, self-involved, thinking only of themselves, making it all about themselves, narcissistic, vain, conceited, nose in the air, finger never broke through the toilet paper, shit don’t stink, possessed of a bloated sense of personal worth shitheads. There’s not much we hate any more than that is there? Well, there might be one thing. You know what it is, don’t you? I don’t think I’m an expert on human nature, but if I were there’d be no proof. I certainly don’t think any degree from any school qualifies anyone as such. However, by my reckoning, generally folks hate it even worse when people are selfish, self-important, self-indulgent, self-involved, blah blah blah, to our personal detriment.

It doesn’t take Dr. Phil McGraw to figure out what I’m saying here. Quickdraw McGraw could figure it out. Oh don’t tell me you don’t know Quickdraw! Babba Louie? “That Queekstraw, he’s got a lot of stuff up here. No brains just a lotta stuff.” El Kabang? “Now hold on there Babba Louie. I’ll do the thinnin’ around here and dooooon’t you for git eeyit!” Oh well, then…

We hate this because we do it ourselves. EVERYBODY is selfish. It’s no less human nature than dog nature. When I was young and cruel, (and for my own selfish amusement), I’d sometimes throw one doggie treat to my two dogs. Or as Quickdraw McGraw would call it, a dog "bis que eet". Oh come on you KNOW you watched that show!!!

So what do you think happened? With my dogs. It doesn’t matter if they’re full to the point of blowing up, they’ll fight over that doggie treat. You offer one job to two people and they’re not gonna have a Chip & Dale courtesy contest, “You take it. No you! No I insist! No it’s all yours. Absolutely not I must insist you take it. No no you were here first. I was not. Besides you’re more qualified. Oh surely YOU’Re the better candidate…” Wait a minute, you know Chip and Dale don’t you? Chipmunks in Donald Duck’s tree? Well if you don’t know Donald Duck I’m gonna quit now. Okay, note to self, easy on the cartoon references.

So anyhoo, the point I’m leading up to, and what a lead-up it was!!!, is today I was out walking and something happened that brought all this to mind. Well, it didn’t instantly pop into my mind complete with flashbacks to Saturday mornings as a kid and all. I was walking. In the rain. There’s narry a time when I do better thinnin’. I was waiting for the walk signal to cross the street at the main entrance of Seokang University. The light turned green. I looked both ways anyway, unlike most Koreans who tend to blindly walk across streets even when they HAVEN’T waited for the light to turn green. Which is most of the time. It’s not just the drivers’ fault that most people in this country have been hit by a car at least once. Anyway, I am glad I looked because the driver of a big, yellow bus full of kids decided that his needs outweighed mine and superceded the law so he just blasted through the light. Now let me be clear here. There is a crosswalk, the motorists have a red light, there are people on both sides of the crosswalk waiting, there are no impediments to the sight of the bus driver at all, there are 4 lanes of traffic, two both ways AND there was a car STOPPED at the crosswalk blocking the lane closest to the center line. So this jackass changes to the lane closest to my curb and blows through a good 2 or 3 seconds after he had a red light and I had a green.

But hey! This is Korea. It wasn’t really THAT guy I was pissed off at. It was the guy BEHIND him that blew through the light a good 4 or 5 seconds after the lights had changed. It was, (no surprise to anyone I’m sure), a fucking taxi. So I jumped in front of this prick and leaned right over with a big hand held out in the internationally accepted STOP position. Probably not expecting him to stop but trying to ensure that the car behind him stopped. Don’t give these lemmings a window. Rather than stop the taxi driver missed me and the stopped car by inches, proceeded through the red light AND fucking blew his horn in annoyance at ME!

Now I know beyond a shadow of a doubt you all agree that this guy was a shithead. But, I got to thinking, cuz it’s raining and I was walking in it. Was I upset at this guy for breaking laws, endangering me and others, probably doing this sort of thing chronically like most taxi drivers, or was it the 4 to 5 seconds he cost me? I still made it across the street. I had nothing pressing to do. I gave my one exam today and I’m done. I was just out cranking baseballs and getting some exercise cuz I wasn’t quite ready to sit down and MARK those exams. And this guy made me wait 4-5 extra seconds.

I don’t need to reiterate the various doctor horror stories that I’ve blogged about. Other friends too. In fact, I was out with my friend April buying her birthday lunch at Outback Steakhouse this Sunday and she told me that she was really sick one day at work but her employer, Korea Exchange Bank, wouldn’t let her go home. So she called her boyfriend and asked him to go to the doctor, fake her symptoms and ask for medicine. The “doctor” looked him over and said, “Yeah you ARE really sick!” and gave him the medicine. April and her b/f are both Korean by the way. I would have been FUCKED if that car had hit me! Proper fucked! Like the bunny in Snatch. Are movie references okay? Snatch? Brad Pitt as a Pikey. Coursing? Dog chasing the rabbit? Betting? Hello? Is this thing on? Okay no more referencing.

So why the frig did I feel I had to endanger myself so much? I think it was at least partially selfishness in myself. I admit it. I’m a dick for doing that. I should know SO much better! There’s no way I would have taught the driver anything even if he’d hit me and killed me. He would have blown the next red light I guaran damn tee. Still I felt empowered by the first profligate motorist to righteously rebuke this taxi driver. I guess it was like chucking pearls to swine. But for reasons unbeknownst to me I had to do it. I just had to!

This worries me. I think the symptoms of that most evil of all plagues that is a worldwide epidemic, GREED, are getting worse in me. I need some medicine. I should volunteer this weekend. Or give away some money. Maybe I should give really REALLY generous grades to my students on their midterm exams. Nah, that’s not gonna happen. I already made the tests ridiculously easy. Hmmmm. I could go a day without using power. Well except fridge and stove. Maybe I’ll visit a friend who doesn’t expect it. Write a letter to my Grandma. I have to self-flagellate this greed away. Okay, I got it! I’m gonna watch the latest episode of Southpark again. AND I’m gonna post the picture of the Earth blocked off from all other planets because of its greed right here.

There I feel a bit better now. To watch it or any other South Park episode click this link. What a great website eh?