Feelin Haggard and Kinky

For the past few days I have been hearing all kinds of amazing factoids about Ted Haggard being one of the most influencial men in religion today. He has a huge following. His "New Life" church is gargantuan. He's been the head of the N.E.A., (an evangelical Christian group which represents 30 million people), for a few years; he's an active lobbyer in Washington; the subject of many magazine articles and TV interviews; a friend of President Bush... Even though he is powerful and well known, I had never heard of him. Until now.

I can guaran-damn-tee you he's got himself a "new life" now! If you haven't heard, he's been accused of sexual improprieties by his "mansseuse". The guy named "Jones", (eye roll, I won't touch that.), claims to have had drug-aided sexual escapades with Haggard. Haggard claims he DID buy chrystal meth but threw it away. He DID get a massage from the accuser but he didn't do the nasty with him. Well, who are you gonna believe, a middle-aged gay masseuse/hooker or an evangelical minister? That question would have been all but rhetorical 50 years ago. Over the years we've started questioning people we weren't supposed to question. Maybe doubting their honesty.

Aparently now it's unanimous: Jones wins. Of course it's unanimous! What the hell has Jones got left to lie about? I don't know from experience, but I'd guess that a homosexual, middle-aged male masseuse/hooker might be one of the more honest people in this whole crazy world! What I mean is he would be hard pressed to say anything, true or untrue, that would tarnish his reputation or endanger his livelihood. It's easy for him to be honest.

But you take a guy and put him in a position like church leader or politician and now he's got to convince us of his cleanliness. Why do we do that? I think that's weird. Take Clinton as an example. I liked him so much better after the Lewinsky affair. He was more human. He lied about it and got busted. I don't think it hurt his presidential performance at all.

To allude to TV, (as I am wont to do), on a recent episode of The War at Home the father asks his daughter if she has finished her homework. She lies and the father gets upset. He says he's not mad because she lied, but he's concerned that she lied so badly. How is she ever going to survive in this world if she's such a bad liar?! It's funny because it's true. We're all a bunch of liars trying to subvert our instincts and portray ourselves as something other than the animals we are.

I'm not trying to say good for Haggard for getting hopped up and jacked up and, (fake well), just UP on chrystal meth and probably Viagra and spending the whole night.....geeuuuuhhhheeeuuuwwww. Gives me the willies. Uh, bad choice of words. Okay new paragraph.

But, what I am saying is if I go to a church or support a political party I don't want the representative thereof to appear clean cut and pure as the driven snow because then I'll just KNOW he's a fake. I think I'd probably vote for a guy like Kinky Friedman if I were American or even just a Texan. He's a mystery novelist. He's a musician. He's a cowboy. He's a NASCAR owner and enthusiast. He's a cigar, and probably a pot smoker. And I think his slogan is "Why the hell not?" One of his songs is called "Ride 'em Jewboy." Just look at the guy! I mean, do you think HE has to lie? And one comment he made almost instantly won me over. He said that politics is easy to get if you just look at the word. "Poli" means more than one and "tics" are blood sucking parasites. I'm sure it wasn't invented by him but that comment will probably win him lots of votes.

My point is that we've been Haggardized, (sorry), by so many bastards in business suits over the years, why do we keep putting these phonies in positions of leadership? Are we really so Disneyized to believe that the good guys all have perfect teeth and impeccable hygiene?

Here's a quote from, (gasp-not from TV!), a Chuck Palahniuk book I recently read: "You've never seen a fat Jesus or a Jesus with body hair. Every crucifix you've ever seen the Jesus could be shirtless and modeling designer jeans or men's cologne." Of course the implication is that Jesus has just been made to LOOK good because we are so conditioned to believe that if a person doesn't LOOK good he can't BE good. I bet most Bible scholars and people who have studied Biblical times and places would probably picture Jesus looking a lot more Kinky and a lot less Haggard. And Jesus was a pretty good leader even if he WASN'T good looking. Maybe he was better BECAUSE he wasn't good looking! Who knows? I wonder if they had like the Gallilean Enquirer reporters trying to dig up dirt on Jesus.

Anyhoo, I digress. Good luck to Kinky. And what the hell, good luck to Haggard too on his new life. All he did was a little illicit drug and sexual exploration. It doesn't make him the anti-christ. In fact he'd probably be a better preacher now than ever. He could be more honest. He could speak about sin from a standpoint of experience. So what is happening to him? Of course, he's being forced to resign. Bring on the next phoney. Sigh.