I TOLD them so!!!

Well, I've marked all my exams. So my work for this contract is almost at an end. I should be feeling pretty happy about that. But I'm not. But I'm not angry or sad. Here, let me try to illustrate my feelings. Coincidentally, I tried, (and that's the operative word here), to teach my students about feelings this semester. The following are two scans of the front page of one of my students' final exam. Her name is Mi Sun.
http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r248/davoid13/bclassexam.jpg
http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r248/davoid13/bclassexamII.jpg

Note the fine detail of Mi Sun's own rendition of my illustrations. Note the hearts on the page and the perfect grammar and spelling of the message "I love you." There's so much on this page! Notice the picture in the upper right corner she hastily drew. It looks to be a plate of food. The exam was given from 10 to 11 a.m. so it's my guess that Mi Sun might have been hungry. Note the TV with the tiny Oriental talk show host on it. I imagine all my students would much rather have been at home watching TV at the time of the test. I enjoyed Mi Sun's first answer. What is he doing right now? He is feeling. I almost gave her a mark for that. I suppose he IS indeed feeling. And from her second answer, I think it might be possible to explain all the sweat. "In but". Maybe I'm a bit of a homophobe but when I think of in butt, I tend to look a lot like the illustration. I probably should have given her half a mark for creativity. I DID give her half a mark for her answer "to soad". I do feel that I was very generous in my allowing "soad" instead of "sad". My favourite part of the page is the Korean writing below the "I Love you". It says, "Doh ray mi fah sol la SHI doh"!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha :-) So, while Mi Sun may have a future as an artist, she certainly shouldn't get a job that involves English or probably music. Her final grade on the exam was 5.5/45. Not bad for the class she was in. But I think her test was the one I enjoyed marking more than any other.

If you read my previous post, you will remember that I asked the school if I could give my own final exams during class time. I gave them plenty of good reasons why this was the best way to do things. Two of them were to discourage cheating and so that if students don't understand something on the test, I will be there to answer questions for them. Well, I was allowed to proctor only one of my five classes' exams. There were no problems in that class. However, one of my classes got a proctor who either allowed them to cheat or HELPED them. And I think it was the latter. My best student is in this class and he got 42.5/45 on his test. About what I expected him to get. But 15 other students ALSO got 40 or more. Students who failed the midterm and never came to class got 40 or more. One student who spent most of her time in class looking in a mirror or into her phone got 40 or more. One student who doesn't know the alphabet got 40 or more! In the three other classes that wrote this exam 3 students out of 110 got 40 or more! Nobody failed in the cheating class. The average was 35/45. Unfortunately one of my smartest students must have been sitting too far away from all of the cheating and she only got 29. So most of the rockheads in the class beat her. After all her hard work coming to class every day, studying, listening, answering questions, she got one of the lower marks in the class. She was probably distracted by the cheating. Or maybe she saw some of the answers the boneheads of the class were writing and thought that they couldn't possibly be right.

In comparison, Mi Sun's class had a completely different proctor. A no nonsense proctor. One the students are afraid of. She didn't allow cheating. Unfortunately, I think the students misunderstood some questions on the test and were too afraid of her to ask about them. Or maybe they asked and she didn't know. Or maybe she doesn't speak English. Either way, 23 people failed and only 9 passed. One of the students got 40 but nobody was able to copy her. The class average was 14/45.

I have been told by my supervisor to give 35% of my students A, 35% get B and 30% get C, D and F. I have also been told that I have to keep the marks fairly uniform between the classes. AND I also have to give marks that are similar to the marks the other English teachers here are giving. Things would have been fine if I were only allowed to do my exams in my class time. Now I'm gonna spend the next few days just pulling marks out of my ass. Or as Mi Sun might say, "out but". After that I think I'll NEED a vacation. Wish me luck.

South Korupta

I was talking to a friend the other day who told me she saw a study of corrupt countries of the world that ranked South Korea as number one. I hope I don't have to tell anyone that studies of such impossible to study things as corruption are just slience. Any good corruption, or successful corruption wouldn't be noticed by anyone. But most particularly people who are trying to measure it. It's probably a good practice to look at corruption or "transparency" lists and take the bottom countries and the top countries as the bad ones. Those are the most corrupt. The bottom countries, which usually include countries like Bangladesh, Indonesia, Chad, Cameroon etc. are countries too corrupt or just too stupid to care about hiding their corruption. But the top countries, which usually include Iceland, Sweden, Canada, Finland, Singapore etc. are probably just better at hiding their corruption, in fact making them better at corruption and perhaps more corrupt. And you have to wonder about how corrupt the people are who make these transparency lists. You can bet countries like S. Korea have offered the list makers bribes to keep their country somewhere in the middle. Take that to the bank.

At any rate, I am really starting to see how Korea is literally a country set up to encourage corruption and in fact it is almost necessary to survival here. I'm not talking about the folk tales Koreans tell their children in which the moral is lying, cheating and stealing means you are growing up. I'm not talking about the fact that every time I play a game or give a test in one of my classes just about every student cheats like a Banshee. I'm not talking about businessmen who believe that if you earn every dollar you make, you're just not doing your job. I've known those things for years. I'm talking about how I am personally impacted by the corruption here and how this country is challenging my personal honesty.

Recently, I was offered a job at a kids camp. It would have been 1.5 million won, (about 1500 bucks American), for 6 days of work. Not bad at all. The camp was trying to do things legally and asked me to get written permission from my employer. My supervisor told me that would be no problem. But after asking the "Dean of Academic Affairs" or whatever he calls himself here, (the only thing academic about this place is the fact that there is no academia here), I was told that I wouldn't be allowed to do the camp. I am an experienced camp teacher and I have lots of good ideas. I am always popular with the kids. The camp could have just hired me under the table, but they'll probably have to settle for a lesser teacher because they are trying to be honest. Bless their hearts! I'll do that camp in a second if I get another chance.

Incidentally, I did a kids camp last winter. I was able to get written permission from my employer for that one. It turned out that the, (Korean), person in charge of clearing things with immigration just chucked all the papers and permission forms, pocketed the 60 bucks for each teacher for visa fees, told everybody that he'd taken care of things and then hoped the camp wouldn't be investigated. It was investigated. What ended up happening was one of two things: either the camp was fined or they had to pay the immigration official a very large bribe. Either way each foreign teacher had 250 bucks deducted from our paychecks for "immigration purposes". So the camp didn't pay for their cheating, the foreigners did.

Similarly, there was a recent crackdown on phony degrees in Korea. Most of these phony degrees were presented to schools by Korean teacher recruiters. Teacher recruiters get a fee for finding teachers for schools. A lot of these recruiters have been just taking people without degrees, signing them up and forging degrees for them. Often without the teachers' knowledge. The results of these actions were, again, heavy penalties for the foreigners. Teachers were deported and told not to come back and every single foreigner teaching in Korea had to get their degrees verified at our own expense.

But back to the camp. Why was I not allowed to go? It is because last session at final exam and report card time I was told, after I had already completed my actual evaluations and attendance, that the NEW and improved attendance and grade forms must be signed. I basically told them to go fuck themselves. But in a nicer way. I think I told them that I'm not gonna cover their asses by signing these forms, thereby taking responsibility for the academic fraud thereon. They were angered. They couldn't believe my gaul! The nerve of me refusing to break the law! So they were just waiting for some petty revenge and the camp permission was refused for that reason. I did the legal, honest thing and it cost me 1500 bucks.

I don't want you to think I've made no effort at trying to do nice things for this "school". I've tried to do some extras and hoped that my superiors would have treated me better as a result. I offered to take care of everything for my own exams and give them during class time thereby allowing me to hand in my grades and attendance early and allowing the kids to concentrate on their majors during exam week. It also saved the school the effort of copying my exams for me and hiring someone else to proctor them. I like to do this because although the kids still cheat when I'm giving the exam, they aren't allowed to cheat as much. So it's better for everybody. This request was met with monumental mistrust. They just knew I had to have some ulterior motive for asking this. So despite not knowing what that motive might have been, the request was refused.

I have more recently been "allowed" to do extra work and come into school to proctor exams during exam week when I would otherwise be doing nothing and getting paid for it. I guess they see this as doing ME a favour because only a day after permission to do the camp was refused, I was called and told that I would be "allowed" to proctor my exams again! Yay!

I have been a model employee for my "school". I kicked ass on student evaluations; I taught special classes including one where I cooked spaghetti for my entire class; I got the students to write recipes in English as homework and I typed them out and added each chef's profile and a picture of their dish and made cookbooks for the people who did the assignment; I have always handed everything in VERY early; I have never been late and only missed two hours of teaching because of a cold; and I've taught make-up, (not cosmetics lol), classes without complaint. I'm trying to catch flies with sugar here. And what do I get? The flies demand more sugar and make a mess of my dinner table while they're eating.

Well it's final exam, report card and attendance time again. And again I'll be damned if I'm gonna fudge marks and attendance figures. No more sugar. I've run out. But I am also looking for a new job at this time. I'm pretty sure that most places where I am applying will call up this "college" and ask about my performance here. And I'm pretty sure all the sugar is not going to factor into their response. They will probably give me a terrible review to any school that asks about me. Why? Because I'm just too honest for my own good. Too honest for this country anyway.

It is a wonderful country, South Korupta! And despite my better judgement telling me to give it up, I will be vigilant and continue my one-man crusade to try to make this place just a tiny bit more honest.

Another Saturday sonnet

If you don't think racism is fun
watch a Seinfeld now that Kramer's out.
And if you still have any doubt,
don't ask Mikey, he hates everyone.

Gender bending is no longer cool.
It's so common it's the new passe.
But get a little Haggard, ex and gay
and liven up your sexual vestibule.

Iraquis have an actual civil war
say entrenched reports and ballyhoo.
The body count and CNN eyesore
has lasted longer than world war two.

Being fruitful or ascetically inclined,
which is the greater sin to humankind?

Korean Whispers

I was trying all week to come up with something to follow the previous trinity of entries. Then, as if by divine intervention, (or spiritual punking), it was thrust upon me. I was at work on Thursday and I stepped up to the lectern at the front of the class in room 403 and while putting my briefcase inside noticed a stainless steel coffee mug that had been left by another teacher. I went out into the hall and talked to the only other teacher I could find. I asked him if he had lost his coffee mug. He gave me the thousand mile stare I have become so accustomed to from the students. So I downshifted into studentspeak. "Your, (exaggerated point to him), coffee mug, (sipping coffee gesture). Did you leave it in room 403, (exaggerated point to room 403) ? Still nothing. "YOU, (point), coffee, (sipping gesture), cup? I knew he had to get it this time cuz "coffee" and "cup" are pronounced almost the same in Korean. He still didn't get it. He reached behind him to a stack of paper coffee cups on the desk in his office and offered me one with a questioning noise. So I walked back to room 403 and got the cup. I showed it to him and asked "Your, (point), cup?" He finally understood. He stopped a passing student, who happened to be my best student, whose nickname is Chat Blanche, (which is French for "white cat", I know, (don't ask me to speculate on the processes my students use for choosing nicknames)). The teacher gave the cup to Whitecat and in Korean ordered him to find its owner then smiled at me like he had done something I couldn't have done.

I thanked him anyway. He continued to smile. I looked around. He smiled and lingered. I feigned interest in a poster on the wall advertising an upcoming make-up, hair and nail painting show at the school. He continued to look at me and smile. I was just about to check if my fly was down when he suddenly said, "Do you remember I drive you to bus station?" He had never driven me anywhere before so I said no. He then said, "You are David?" There are 4 ESL teachers at the college where I work. Two of them are named David. STOP naming your kids David people for the love of God! I said, "Oh, you must mean the OTHER David." Then I had a fun time explaining that there are two Davids. Luckily Whitecat was there to translate. So the teacher says, "You VERY resemble!"

The other David is drastically overweight and because of that more than anything, (probably), he has bad knees and walks with a cane. He can't make it up a flight of stairs without stopping to catch his breath and rest his knees. Not only that, he has a full head of RED hair, no beard, and he looks almost nothing like me. I don't claim to be in good shape but at least once a week I go for a 6 km. walk/run, sometimes 2 or 3 times a week! I make it up to the 4th floor every day without stopping. I am NOT as fat as the other David. And I don't much look like him either.

Basically the teacher was saying, "All you honkeys look the same to me." Like Peter from Family Guy when the family is on the lam in Asia town after springing Lois from prison. Did you see that one? There are Korean, Chinese, Japanese signs all over. And Peter is saying, "Hey it's Jackie Chan! Look it's Jackie Chan. What do you know! Jackie Chan!" to every passerby. That scene flashed through my mind. But I was prepared to let it slide. It's the Buddhist temperance I have developed from being here so many years. Things would have been fine if the teacher had left it at that. But Koreans rarely do. He says, "You very resemble! You both fat! Canadian all fat?"

Mantra! Mantra! Find your happy place. Focus on your power animal. The penguin in the cave. I don't think I was doing a very good job hiding whatever you call the "I would like to kill you" facial expression because he immediately said, "Oh not as fat as other David." Day late and a buck short buddy. "Don't you have lessons to plan or students to abuse?" I THOUGHT. I wanted to say it but I have retained some social graces in a country where they are seldom used.

Seojeong College is at the top of a hill, like most colleges in Korea. It takes 5 minutes to walk up or down the hill. David calls a taxi for the trip. Or he gets rides from students. Evidently he had been given a ride by this teacher at one point. I thought of trying to relate that to this teacher but decided to lie and say I had to get to class.

I got home after work and sat on my computer chair in front of my computer to check the hockey scores. I leaned back in my chair and 3 of the wheeled arms of its foundation simultaneously snapped and I was on my ass looking up at my computer from the floor. I am looking up at my computer as I type. I have my easy chair in front of the computer but it's a bit too close to the floor. I feel like a kid who needs a booster seat at the Thanksgiving table.

If you want to see my chair in the trash heap outside my apartment, here are a couple of links: http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r248/davoid13/Picture001.jpg

and http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r248/davoid13/Picture002.jpg

I don't know why but I can't post pictures on this blog any more. I used to be able to but now I can't. Not even from a url. If anyone knows why, please help!!

So, in conclusion, I think I'll go on a 6 k walk/jog. I'm taking this as a subtle message. As subtle as it gets in Korea anyway. See ya later.

Spiritual Punking

Have you ever lost, say, your keys and looked everywhere for them but couldn't find them? You were probably late for something because the odds of something frustrating like this happening increase exponentially with the importance of that which you are late for. I personally don't blame this on the imaginary Mr. Murphy. So you look for your keys under your couch cushions, in the bedroom, in the pants you wore the day before, in your jacket, under the couch cushions, in the bathroom, in the fridge, in the dog bowl, in the plants, under the couch cushions... and they don't turn up. Then, you find them - under the couch cushions. And you stand there and you say, "Okay, this is either God messing with me or I'm on Candid Camera and I don't see Allan Funt's ass anwhere! Nice one God! You nailed me good."

This is just one example of things that happen to me all the time that I know are supernatural. Very annoying things. Not pet peeves like hard to open milk cartons, eardrum shattering TV commercials or that winning combination of thin walls and loudly promiscuous neighbours. I'm talking about things that defy the odds so obviously that you can almost hear some kind of spirit around you laughing its ass off. Do spirits have asses? More intriguingly, do spirits fart? If so, how does it smell? At any rate, after these things happen to me, I try to convince myself to feel good. I think things like this happen to everyone from time to time. We feel anything but blessed while they are taking place, but I think we are blessed!

Let me splain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up: I am convinced that it is the only concrete, measurable influence the Almighty has on my life. While I believe there MAY have been some unseen help in emergencies and maybe even major decisions in my life, I don't think God has bothered with the humdrum of my life in any other way except to mess with me.

Today I did the dishes. I've said more than once that if I die and don't make it into Heaven, I'll be the dishwasher in a room full of mosquitoes in Hell. Probably my two least favourite things in the world. Mosquitoes and doing the dishes. Dishtime is the perfect time for anyone, or any mysterious being to screw with me. Before washing the dishes I had to clean the sink of course. I had left the dishes in the sink all weekend while visiting friends in Seoul. So it was a pretty grimy sink. But there was a Stain. A spaghetti starch Stain I think. This was the mother of all Stains. I scrubbed with a cloth, a sponge a scrubby and steel wool type stuff and it wouldn't come off. If I had had sandpaper, a wire wheel, or a fucking grinder it wouldn't have come off. I'm absolutely positive. I worked up a sweat scrubbing this Stain, talking to myself, cursing, swearing, yelling, and it wasn't even getting smaller! After scrubbing for about 5 or 10 minutes I stopped, threw my head back and said, "I am either on Punk'd or God is messing with me and I don't see Ashton Kuchar's ass anywhere!" He got me again! So I left the stain and did the dishes. Now there is a mark on the sink where the stain was, but the body of it has miraculously disappeared!

We roast people we love and respect. We play practical jokes on our friends. We lie to kids about Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy. We do magic tricks and act like we have special powers. We enjoy keeping secrets from people who are dying to find out. We love scaring people. We have enless humiliating initiation ceremonies. Sometimes we are a little bit cruel to people. Even people we love.

Don't tell me you've never seen someone burning ants with a magnifying glass; tearing the wings off a fly and watching it bounce around; catching 100 fireflies and squashing them all on the floor of a dark room; feeding a dog peanut butter and watching it try to lick it off the roof of its mouth; tying a piece of thread to an unconscious fly's neck so that it when the fly woke up and tried to fly away the thread was like a leash; cutting out one of a fish's eyes and watching it swim in a circle; feeding an airtight seagull a Drano sandwich and watching it explode as it flew away; tipping a sleeping cow; knocking on the glass of a fishbowl so all the fish freak out for half a second; putting a straw down a frog's throat and blowing air into its airtight body so that it was ballooned so much it couldn't swim; or something similar. You may have even tried one or more of the above.

Even though these things can be entertaining and all, you're really glad YOU are not the victim and you can't help feeling A) at least a little sorry for the victim and B) that the person messing with the victim is a bit of an asshole. Or maybe even C) that's so hilarious I'm gonna try it myself.

I think if I were the ultimate Creator I might enjoy teasing my creation and probably being cruel to them sometimes. I remember reading the book of Job and thinking, "What kind of God can be so cruel?" I had thoughts A and (oh the blasphemy!) B. And whether it's Job losing his livestock, home, wealth, family, health, friends, good name etc. etc, or me and my spaghetti stain, I think there is a mischievous spirit somewhere that has been doing stuff like this forever. I take heart in the fact that God tested Job because he was a good man. Maybe these spiritual punkings can be seen as a positive in that way. Bring 'em on! As long as there are paper plates and impregnable bug spray in Heaven, I can take it.

Feelin Haggard and Kinky

For the past few days I have been hearing all kinds of amazing factoids about Ted Haggard being one of the most influencial men in religion today. He has a huge following. His "New Life" church is gargantuan. He's been the head of the N.E.A., (an evangelical Christian group which represents 30 million people), for a few years; he's an active lobbyer in Washington; the subject of many magazine articles and TV interviews; a friend of President Bush... Even though he is powerful and well known, I had never heard of him. Until now.

I can guaran-damn-tee you he's got himself a "new life" now! If you haven't heard, he's been accused of sexual improprieties by his "mansseuse". The guy named "Jones", (eye roll, I won't touch that.), claims to have had drug-aided sexual escapades with Haggard. Haggard claims he DID buy chrystal meth but threw it away. He DID get a massage from the accuser but he didn't do the nasty with him. Well, who are you gonna believe, a middle-aged gay masseuse/hooker or an evangelical minister? That question would have been all but rhetorical 50 years ago. Over the years we've started questioning people we weren't supposed to question. Maybe doubting their honesty.

Aparently now it's unanimous: Jones wins. Of course it's unanimous! What the hell has Jones got left to lie about? I don't know from experience, but I'd guess that a homosexual, middle-aged male masseuse/hooker might be one of the more honest people in this whole crazy world! What I mean is he would be hard pressed to say anything, true or untrue, that would tarnish his reputation or endanger his livelihood. It's easy for him to be honest.

But you take a guy and put him in a position like church leader or politician and now he's got to convince us of his cleanliness. Why do we do that? I think that's weird. Take Clinton as an example. I liked him so much better after the Lewinsky affair. He was more human. He lied about it and got busted. I don't think it hurt his presidential performance at all.

To allude to TV, (as I am wont to do), on a recent episode of The War at Home the father asks his daughter if she has finished her homework. She lies and the father gets upset. He says he's not mad because she lied, but he's concerned that she lied so badly. How is she ever going to survive in this world if she's such a bad liar?! It's funny because it's true. We're all a bunch of liars trying to subvert our instincts and portray ourselves as something other than the animals we are.

I'm not trying to say good for Haggard for getting hopped up and jacked up and, (fake well), just UP on chrystal meth and probably Viagra and spending the whole night.....geeuuuuhhhheeeuuuwwww. Gives me the willies. Uh, bad choice of words. Okay new paragraph.

But, what I am saying is if I go to a church or support a political party I don't want the representative thereof to appear clean cut and pure as the driven snow because then I'll just KNOW he's a fake. I think I'd probably vote for a guy like Kinky Friedman if I were American or even just a Texan. He's a mystery novelist. He's a musician. He's a cowboy. He's a NASCAR owner and enthusiast. He's a cigar, and probably a pot smoker. And I think his slogan is "Why the hell not?" One of his songs is called "Ride 'em Jewboy." Just look at the guy! I mean, do you think HE has to lie? And one comment he made almost instantly won me over. He said that politics is easy to get if you just look at the word. "Poli" means more than one and "tics" are blood sucking parasites. I'm sure it wasn't invented by him but that comment will probably win him lots of votes.

My point is that we've been Haggardized, (sorry), by so many bastards in business suits over the years, why do we keep putting these phonies in positions of leadership? Are we really so Disneyized to believe that the good guys all have perfect teeth and impeccable hygiene?

Here's a quote from, (gasp-not from TV!), a Chuck Palahniuk book I recently read: "You've never seen a fat Jesus or a Jesus with body hair. Every crucifix you've ever seen the Jesus could be shirtless and modeling designer jeans or men's cologne." Of course the implication is that Jesus has just been made to LOOK good because we are so conditioned to believe that if a person doesn't LOOK good he can't BE good. I bet most Bible scholars and people who have studied Biblical times and places would probably picture Jesus looking a lot more Kinky and a lot less Haggard. And Jesus was a pretty good leader even if he WASN'T good looking. Maybe he was better BECAUSE he wasn't good looking! Who knows? I wonder if they had like the Gallilean Enquirer reporters trying to dig up dirt on Jesus.

Anyhoo, I digress. Good luck to Kinky. And what the hell, good luck to Haggard too on his new life. All he did was a little illicit drug and sexual exploration. It doesn't make him the anti-christ. In fact he'd probably be a better preacher now than ever. He could be more honest. He could speak about sin from a standpoint of experience. So what is happening to him? Of course, he's being forced to resign. Bring on the next phoney. Sigh.

She Blinded Me With Slience

The following entry is based almost entirely on theory, conjecture, and the unknown and should be regarded as such.

Imagine as far back as you can. To the very beginning. Impossible. Because it's not only as abstract as abstract can be, it involves thinking of nothingness or infinity, both of which are impossible for us to wrap our feeble brains around. Right about now there are some subscribers to the most popular religion in the world: Slience that are getting their hackles up. They're hackling right up. Put your hackles away and listen to reason. But first let me explain Slience.

The word "Slience" sort of looks like science but it isn't. And it has a "lie" right in the heart of it. Our world is rife with Slience. It's overrun with it to the point that any Regan Burns can spout any scientific babble to any unsuspecting subject and get them to believe. We are becoming oblivious to Slience. Maybe through mutation we have developed a gene that allows us to believe in stuff we know absolutely nothing about and never will. Or maybe it is just faith. Either way, whether we do it scientifically or religiously, we do it. This isn't much of an explanation yet but I've sort of started in medias res, put the cart before the horse, started somewhere past the beginning. So let's get back to the "beginning" shall we?

One of the great mysteries of life is the beginning. But not to me. A greater mystery is how so many arguments and debates and wars could have come from it. It's so blatantly simple to me that we are never going to know. Give up for the love of (I don't want to take sides here) Pete! It's a ludicrous argument between creationism and evolution or Darwinism or the Big Bang or whatever the alternative is called because, BOTH arguments are based on faith. That is both arguments can be rendered spurious; can be effectively disproved in EXACTLY the same way. If God created the universe, where did God come from? We'll never get that. Either God always existed, which we cannot ever understand, or He/She was created from nothing, which we cannot understand. But if you prefer the idea of a universe that came from a swirling of matter into an intense point from which a huge creative explosion resulted, the identical question must be asked: where did that matter come from? It either existed forever or it was created from nothing. Both conceptions of the beginning are false because neither is really the beginning. Both start in the middle. In medias res.

Ever try to think of nothing? It's impossible to even think of nothing. Buddhist monks will tell you they can but they're Sliers. Lots of people believe them though. I've heard it said that if you ever train your mind to actually think of nothing, the second you achieve that feat, you die. But that's pretty hard to prove.

Now try to think of infinity. That's impossible too. "You're stupid to the millionth power." "Well YOU'RE stupid to the gozillionth power!" "You're stupid to the googleth power!" "YOU'RE stupid to the infinity power!" "Well YOU'RE stupid to the infinity and one th power!" "Well YOU'RE stupid to the infinity and millionth power!" Hmmmm. Maybe it's NOT impossible.

Imagine the final number arrived at in the above debate. That number is Q. It's a number so huge that it can't be written. Now imagine a huge junkyard with a piece of everything known to man inside it. A big tornado hits this junkyard and stuff flies around and when the tornado moves on or dissipates, a perfectly built 747 jet is left behind. The odds of this happening are probably 10 to the Qth power. As near as makes absolutely no difference to ME, it's impossible. Even one nut screwing onto one bolt in a storm seems highly unlikely to me. But I would guess that the odds of the Big Bang happening randomly, without any intelligent creation, are probably 10 to the Qth power LESS likely than the junkyard 747. Which makes it even easier for me to call it impossible. But so many people believe it to be possible! This is not very scientific thinking if you ask me. It looks more like religious thinking. How can anyone believe this without a little bit of faith? Come on scientists, you all know I'm right! You are BELIEVERS! Even though it's the scariest thing in the world to a true scientist, they have FAITH! Therefore the basis of all science, the beginning, is rooted in faith.

The same can be said for creationists. Nobody can be sure God created the world. It's something we believe through faith. I admit, I am a creationist. My God is the Prime Mover. Either He/She is infinite or came from nothing. I am comfortable knowing that I will never understand my God. But I still believe. For an evolutionist, I suppose you have faith in everlasting, or immaculately created dust or dirt or whatever that matter was at the beginning. And HEY, it is said by creationists that everything was created by God from dirt, including man, and everything will return to dirt. How different are the arguments when it really comes down to it? They're pretty much the same. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. We're all just Dust In The Wind. Be Excellent to Each Other.

Now about this Slience. It's the same as what I've just explained. People call it Science but they really don't know, they just believe. It's everywhere. Watch any talk show. "He killed his family because he was raped as a child and was psychologically incapable of feeling love." That sentence has more faith in it than the Lord's Prayer. But it will be treated in court as science. The defendant will be sent to a hospital, not a jail, on the basis of this Slience.

The TV show 20/20 are champions of Slience. I saw one show where they were talking about how racist young kids are. They went into a kindergarten or grade school classroom and showed the kids two pictures. One of a man with a white turban and white clothes, a beard, not particularly good looking, not smiling, talking on a cell phone. Another of an Asian guy out of the pages of GQ with an Armani suit, fashionable hair, smiling kindly, good looking, together, perfect teeth, and talking on a cell phone. Then they asked the kids questions about the pictures. "What do you think of this guy?" (the turban wearing fella) The kids thought he wasn't nice. One kid said he thought he looked weird. But they all thought the Asian guy was nice. They asked what they might be talking about and some other questions and the answers were overwhelmingly in favour of the Asian picture. So 20/20 concluded that kids are racist. They went on talking about childhood racism matter-of-factly as if they had just proved it beyond a doubt. I was watching with a friend and I said something like, "What the fuck? Disney has more to do with their answers than racism. Way to project our evils onto the innocent 20/20!" My co-watcher, who had just swallowed the Slience whole, said, "Oh yeah. You're right." And she started to think. Question. Something we are too uninclined to do about things we are told are "scientific" nowadays.

THIS is Slience, my friends and since a majority of it is based in abstract belief and faith, it IS a religion. And it's sweeping the nation. Watch for it. It's coming to a TV, radio, classroom, or soapbox near you.

Strange Things Are Afoot In The ROK

Well, I'm back from a two-week break for Korean Thanksgiving, (Chuseok). It was a couple of whacky weeks! I went to Yong In and met my friends Scott, Min Ju and their boy, Alex at Everland. Amusement was slowed slightly by a small boy and pregnant woman but I think I had enough fun for my aging amusement park taste. I still went on the freakiest ride in the park. I don't know what it was called but it shoulda been called "The Ball Crusher". It was one of those rides where there's a long cylindrical seating area where about 40 or 50 people sit and it spins while the whole ride also rotates. We did 5 spins in a row one time I think. Only Scott and I went on of course. Small, hard plastic seating area, and pretty intense g-force from the dual spinage. I give it two thumbs up but I shoulda worn a cup. But it wasn't half the adventure that getting there was. I live what looks to be about 1 or 2 hours away from Everland on the map but it took me at least 6 hours to get there with the "convenient" bus system here. I won't get into that.
Next it was off to Pyeong Taek for a couple days to visit Scott's family. We had a round of golf simulation and a barbecue. It was great.
Then I went to Seoul to visit Heather and Mike. We took the kiddies to see Open Season, a new Disney flick. I really liked it. Thumbs up. It was on the US base so I got to put as much buttery flavoured topping on my popcorn as I wanted and got a HUGE, blue, raspberry slushie to go with it. I think I was so buzzed on sugar from that I would have liked ANY movie. The whole experience got a blue toothed smile from me. I can't remember the last time I went to a real theater.
I did some shopping around Seoul and had some really weird experiences. Seoul is getting weird. One night in my hotel I was awakened at 3 am by a phone call. It was just someone saying hello. So I hung up. Then the same person called back and asked what room I was in. The person said, "I am Korean woman," but if at any time in the past this person had been a woman I wasn't convinced by the voice I heard. I didn't divulge my room number. In fact I got up and locked my door.
On Saturday night I went to Woodstock, my favourite bar in I Tae Won. It was jam packed. I couldn't find a seat. Woodstock is NEVER packed. I usually sit in the same seat. They call me Norm for crying out loud. So I didn't stay. Two days later it was empty. Just me and a much too friendly Korean guy listening to an outstanding Filipino band called Infinity. I bought lotsa tequila shots for the band and we had a really good time. I sat in my favourite seat too.
The following Monday was Canadian Thanksgiving and the alleged nuclear test in N. Korea. Heather, bless her heart, cooked a massive Thanksgiving turkey dinner and invited me and Uncle Darryl, (her brother who is in the military), over. The dinner was great and we watched the movie Crash afterwards. Again, thumbs WAY up.
The next day I was out to get a sub from Subway and I saw a commotion on the street on the way. Some shop owner was selling assorted hip hop clothes for 1000 won each. That's like a buck! I got a nice Sean John shirt and a pair of jean shorts for 2 bucks! I guess maybe they fell off the back of a passing truck or something. ???
I got back to my home town for Friday the 13th. I had to proctor an exam for my skin and hair students. It was chaos. They all cheated their asses off and still failed. Par for the course. Sigh.
When I went to bed the night of Friday the 13th another strange thing happened to me. I had been reading a book I bought at Kyobo Book store while I was in Seoul called "Haunted". It's a great book. Yet again a hearty thumbs up! I shut off the lights to go to bed and I saw a green glowing blur in my apartment. I didn't have my glasses on so I had no idea what it was. I thought maybe it was just the scary book doing things to my mind but as I got closer to the green, glowing globule, it didn't disappear. It turns out the cover of that book glows in the dark. Ha ha ha! That was weird but in a cool way.
Then on the next day I was walking down the street and a guy pulled over in his car. I didn't recognize the guy but he just leaned over and looked out the passenger window at me. I was pretty sure he could have found a more viable source for directions. I just waited for him to say something. He didn't. So I said, "Hello?" He just grinned creepily and asked in Korean if I was American. I told him in Korean that I was Canadian. He said, "Oh Canada!" Then he just grinned. We had a long lull in our roadside conversation. What was his deal? Was he trying to get a drive-thru English lesson? Was he an early strike North Korean hitman trying to take out a few American soldiers before the main assault? Couldn't have been, his car was too expensive. Come to think of it, his voice sounded very similar to the 3 am phone caller. (shudder) Anyway, I saw a taxi, flagged it down and got the hell away from the guy.
Then today I got into a cab to go to work because I woke up too late to catch the bus. The cab driver is an old guy who has commented on how much he likes my beard several times in the past. I asked him in Korean if he had a good Chuseok. He said he did. Then he launched into a speech, complete with a couple dangerous pivots to get a better look at me when he should have been watching the road, about how handsome my beard is. I didn't say anything for the rest of the ride.
What gives? What's the old saying, "Unlucky in love, lucky in cards?" Maybe it goes for movies, shopping and Filipino bands too. I dunno. Just ONE time I'd like to hear a WOMAN comment on how much she likes my beard! Oh well, even though I may be irresistable to gay, Korean men, I ain't shaving any time soon.

I know I said in my last entry that loving one's country is good. And I don't want to do away with national anthems being sung at sporting events, but come on! Isn't it going a bit too far these days? I am watching "Pride" right now on TV. It's one of the many full contact fighting organizations that have become so popular. The final in this tourney is between a guy from America and a guy from Upper Slobovia or someplace like that. Like most of these big full contact events, it is being held in Japan. So why the hell did everybody go silent and put their hands on their hearts while the U.S. and Upper Slobovian national anthems were played? Evidently the two combattants wish to break each other's bones, slap each other silly, make each other bleed, ideally knock the other out or make him submit...for the glorification of their countries. Then immediately following the fight, the victor will thank God for allowing him to go Old Testament all over the other guy's ass.
The Slobovian beat the American if you care. The American guy tapped out ostensibly to pick one of his eyeballs off the canvas. What a great county Slobovia is! I must go there someday. To the upper part anyway.
I just chatted with my brother. He lives in Ohio now. He's all excited about going to the Columbus Blue Jackets' opening day game against the Vancouver Canucks. Before they face off, the U.S. and Canadian national anthems will both be played. Although hockey has taken the place of lacrosse as Canada's true national sport, this doesn't make much more sense than singing before the Pride fight. In fact it might make less sense when you consider how many Americans/Canadians play for the two teams. The Canucks have 11 actual Canucks on their roster, which is over half their players, so it kinda makes a bit of sense to play the Canadian anthem for them. But how does that make the 4 Swedes, 2 Fins, 2 Czechs and 2 Americans feel?
On the other hand it makes absolutely no sense to play the American national anthem for the Blue Jackets. They have 5 guys from the States on their team. 5 Czechs, 3 Russians, 3 Swedes and also 11 Canadians.
If you do some research you'll find that the make-up of most NHL teams is similar to these two. I don't see any more purpose in the national anthem than I do in, say, throwing salt into the ring before a sumo match. But I guess it's tradition. And if you absolutely MUST sing a national anthem before such a fiercely nationalistic action as a professional hockey game, then it really should be the Canadian national anthem only, shouldn't it?
I guess my point, the gist of my message, the summation of my ramblings, the central message here, the destination to my journey, the consummation to my intercourse, ahem would be why do we have to hear the U.S. national anthem so often even though there seems to be no real purpose for it? Admittedly in baseball, basketball or football the majority of players are American, but still, what is the connection between national pride and sports? Why was the national anthem sung in the first place and why do we still do it today? Is it just tradition? I think it's probably more than that.
I was recently watching Jay Leno and on Jay Walking he asked some people to sing the U.S. national anthem. I was shocked at how few of them knew it. And Jay said he didn't just pick the dumb ones to put on the show, he showed them all. I think there was one guy out of about 10 who sung it right. He and Jay sung it together and at the end they both said, "Play ball!" I could sing the U.S. national anthem word for word. Only because I watch sports.
I got to thinking. I do that sometimes. Usually about things as inane as this. Who would benefit from keeping sports fans nationalistic? Why are they forcing us to show our national pride at sporting events when we don't even do it in schools any more. Then it hit me. Like a Junior Seau tackle. Like a Gordie Howe elbow. Like a Nolan Ryan fastball. Like a Shaquille O'Neal backboard shattering dunk.
Think about the people you generally get at sporting events. I mean aside from Canuck or Leaf games, which only corporate types and millionaires can afford now. I mean most other sporting events. I guess I'm talking about U.S. sporting events. What kind of folks show up for the games? Tailgate barbecuers, face and body painters, shirt removers, nacho eaters and beer chuggers. The down to earth people. Not many members of MENSA. Not many desk jockeys or pencil pushers. Not many socialites sipping champagne. Not many, (to use a term George Bush Jr. favours), "haves".
A lot of the people in the stands have physical jobs. A lot of them understand teamwork. A lot of them have actually played the sport they are watching and still do as an excuse to quench their thirsts with the boys afterwards. A lot of them are still in good physical shape. Almost all of them know the national anthem. They are good at marching in large, neat groups to their seats. Most of them are with their teams win or lose. They're behind them no matter what. They don't understand everything behind the coaches' decisions to trade players or sit them on the bench but they trust the coach. They may complain a bit but they trust the coach. Their's is not to reason why. Their's is but to cheer or die!
Soldiers! Perfect military training! These are the people who are best suited to defend the "haves" in times of war. Forget "haves", I'm gonna call them what they are: Big Brother. Big Brother is training you sports fans. Think about it. In most sports there are techniques that translate beautifully into wartime strategies or assaults on the enemy. Some sports terms actually COME from war. The "blitz" for example. Long bomb. Defence. Launch an offensive. In the trenches. There are too many to list.
How easy would it be to replace that beer dispensing hoser hat with a kevlar helmet? Or that number one foamy finger with a rifle? Or that face paint with camouflage? Or that coach with the President?
So now you know American sports fans. Even though you're not in the military, you are being trained for it. Like it or not, you are a lean, (okay maybe not as lean as you once were), mean, fighting machine primed and ready to be used just in case. Your sports teams are forcing you to sing the national anthem to sharpen your nationalistic fighting edge. To make sure the red, white and blue isn't fading. Here's what I have to say about that: Oh say can you see, by the dawn's early light what so proudly we hail at the twilight's last gleaming.... What are you gonna do, change the game???

Late Night Monologue

Another week, another few dollars. Well John Mark Karr isn't guilty! What a surprise that is! This is one of the very few times I wish I had a wife or roommate. I was talking at my TV for the past month telling those dumbasses not to spend any more money on champagne or plane tickets to wine and dine this wannabe "killebrity", but they didn't listen. And all along I was right! But I have nobody to say I told you so to. Dang it! I just looked at him and saw a man, (and I use that term as loosely as possible), who would rather be hated than unknown. This guy feels like he deserves some sort of celebrity despite his mediocrity. He's so confused that he was refused a sex change operation in THAILAND! I think you can practically get them at vending machines there. Insert money and vital organs. Hold breath.

This Karr guy is SOO messed up in the head that he teaches English in Asia! No friends, no skills, no life? Teach ESL in Asia. What a racket I'm mixed up in! What a pile of losers you can meet in this racket too! But not all of us are zeroes! Just want you to know that. I'll never claim responsibility for any murders. At least not ones I haven't committed. But anyway, after Karr resolves some pesky child porn charges he fled America to escape, he'll be back teaching the youth of Thailand again. That is if he isn't waylayed by people offering him personal appearances on talk shows, or book deals. What a world!

I heard a comedian talking about the recent Emmy awards. Did you see them? Conan's trip to the Emmy's was hilarious. But I agree with the comedian who said about the only worse person they could have found to emcee Dick Clark's lifetime achievement award would have been John Mark Karr. Simon Cowl? Can you think of any more hated man in music? Dick Clark started thousands of musical careers, Simon Cowl killed thousands. What were they thinking?

And speaking of murder, (I'm sounding like a late night monologue here, (again, too much TV)), I bet the makers of that new movie about Bush getting assassinated are tickled pink that it has been banned in the States. What better way to make sure it becomes bigger than Spider Man? I'm sure it's already the most popular google. If a guy could sneak into the showing of that movie in Toronto and cam it, he could make a mint hawking it on the internet I'm sure. But I doubt Bush'll really be assassinated. He deserves it too much. It's never the reverse Robin Hood, scumbag presidents that get shot. Things that make you go hmmmm...

Not much is happening here, hence my rundown of current world events. Still battling the ants. I started teaching again last week and if anything my students have even less English skill than last session. Before too long I'll be teaching the alphabet song. I'm only kidding a little bit. Man I can't wait for football and Survivor!

Now say hello to Paul Schaeffer and the Late Night Orchestra.

NFL and Survivor

Okay, I admit, I watch too much TV. WAY too much. But I live in Nothingtodoesville, Korea. At least I haven't taken up crime or drugs to kill the boredom, (as far as you know). I'll tell you what has me excited these days: waiting for NFL football and Survivor to start. But I'm not "excited" about Survivor the way a lot of people seem to be. And to tell you the truth, I don't see how the new Survivor's division of tribes could be any more "divisive" or "dangerous to American unity" than the new NFL season. People are just stupid is all.
Now you're saying, "Yeah but they're divided by race." No they're not. That's just stupid to say. "Hispanic" and "White" are not races. And are you gonna tell me a guy with German forefathers and a guy with English forefathers are gonna bond any better with each other than they would with Asians or Hispanics or black folks just because they are both pigmentally challenged? If the Asian tribe has an Asian of Korean descent and one of Japanese descent, watch out! We all know that black people kill more black people than anyone else does. And Hispanic people never fight with each other do they? There will be far more likelihood of conflict within the tribes than between them. Mark my words.
Or maybe, just maybe the contestants might have more pressing matters on their minds than family heritage. For instance, not starving, not being eaten by sharks, staying warm and dry at night, avoiding malaria, dangerous insects, snakes and, (oh yeah), winning a million bucks.
As for the TV show creating racial conflict outside the show, again, people are stupid. Some people are saying that this show's format is frightening. Americans are always scared aren't they? Here's just another stupid reason for it. Listen, if people were being nice to people from other races for reasons other than being "scared" of what might be the result otherwise, maybe there would be no reason to feel scared about this at all.
Yes, I have a dream. I have a dream that some day human beings will evolve away that part of our brains that is the seat of long term memory. That some day people will give only a miniscule shit about who our great great great grandfathers were and who they might have been mistreating and the degree of shame, guilt or remorse we must exhibit for it. Or conversely who our forefathers were mistreated by and the proper amount of reparations we should be seeking for it. That some day people will realize that loving one's country is good, but the fact that my country and your country were at war 500 years ago should only create in me a hatred comparable to if your NFL team beat mine last week.
I'm not going to say that all people are the same because then I'd be stupid too. We all have different upbringings and experiences and some people are better or worse than others. But in this day and age skin colour, race, family heritage, home country and things like that should really be a non-issue. At least if you are not STUPID!
I'm looking forward to the survivor competitions. I will pick who I want to win and who I want to lose based 0% on what "race" they are. I will probably pick a tribe I like better than the others, but the Asians, Hispanics and black tribe have just as good a chance to be my favourite as the white tribe does even though I happen to be white. I'm hoping, and actually expecting other people to be doing the same all over the world. If they do, this Survivor may turn out to be GOOD for race relations and a positive step toward eliminating prejudice and racial profiling once and for all.
Yes I have a dream.

Finally Home

I've been back in Korea for over a month now, but I've just recently made my way back to my broken air con, ant infested, cow shit scented, hotter than balls apartment. And guess what I'm doing today: I'm going to visit Scott, Minju and Alex. It's a good thing I don't pay much rent here cuz I'm never here getting my money's worth. I'm like that old team the Harlem Globetrotters used to play, the Washington Generals. I'm always the visitor, never the host. However, I DID have a group of guests not so long ago. Heather, Mike, Reilly and Roman drove me home from Seoul a few days ago and they came in. The first thing Reilly did was test out the bathroom. Now keep in mind, I had been at children's English camp for 2 weeks and partying in Seoul for another week. After they left I used the facilities myself and was disgusted. There was MOLD on my toilet and my toilet seat! I'm sure they passed it off as bacheloresque neglect but I normally keep things pretty clean around here. I was embarrassed.

Yes, kids' camp. What a total BLAST it was this year! I went down south just below Gwangju to a beautiful little area called Naju. That's where they film the T.V. drama called Ju Mong and where they grow lots of pears. We stayed at Dong Shin University, which is a really great facility. The cafeteria was AWESOME by cafeteria standards. I even made a thank you card for the lunch ladies and got it signed by everyone. There was even a lunch lady who was a bit of a babe. The rooms didn't have air con but they put fans in all the rooms shortly after we arrived. But the classrooms had air and the campus was really nice.

The group of teachers was great too. Guns did a fantastic job choosing the teachers for the camp. And really, that is what makes or breaks the camp. This group MADE the camp great for everyone. I mean everyone. I think the teachers may have had as much fun as the kids. Or more! When Guns asked if I was gonna teach there this summer I half jokingly said, "Only if there's beer every night." He talked to Mr. Lee and told me there would be beer every night. And... THERE WAS! Beer, snacks, stories and song. Sometimes we were up till the wee hours but we just went back to our rooms, sweat it all out and were up fresh as a, er, dandilion for class the next morning. We were daisies by midday.

The highlights of the camp for me, apart from the nightly Hitefest, were the swimming/bananaboating/boating and the trip we took after camp finished to visit the set of Ju Mong. I guess I could include the night in Seoul singing our arses off at the noraebang, (singing room), and playing Bismarck, a game where you put a cup inside a pitcher of beer and pour beer from another pitcher into the cup until someone sinks it and drinks it, BUUUUT that's not really camp is it?

Swimming was great. Aside from the fact that everyone had to wear lifejackets, it was great. Even though no matter where you go in Korea water is never far away, hell an ocean is never more than a couple hours away, most Koreans don't swim. So I guess the lifejackets were a must. But it sure was weird swimming and diving with a lifejacket on!

Ju Mong is a drama about Korea in the olden days. I guess it's about a town where they do a lot of archery. Koreans are very proud of their archery and many of the worlds' best archers even today are from Korea. I just love the old architecture. I could look at it all day. I think we spent a few hours there and then went out for sam gye tang, (a small chicken in really delicious broth), afterwards. All courtesy of the camp directors. They treated us REALLY well.

I have one thing to say about the camp in Naju: Wee hi yo wee hi yo wee hi yo, wee hi yo wee hi yo wee hi yo..... (that means "cheers").

Wooweee!

I gotta say it's good to be back in Korea. Since coming back I've been practicing my own version of the Taoist discipline known as Wu Wei. This is an exercise that roughly translates to "without action". I've combined Wu Wei with surfing porn. I call it Woo Weee! Now if I can just open a school and charge a couple hundred bucks a month to train rich, Asian wannabe students in the art of Woo Weee... No, Grasshopper. Avoid the pay sites. They are the evil black dragons that inhibit our oneness with the e-universe.

Other than Woo Weee, I've been doing the usual post-vacation things here in Yangju: growing hair, turning oxygen into carbon dioxide, regaining bowel consistency, metabolizing pasta and fighting the friggin ants. I thought a 3-week holiday might get rid of the little bastards but, alas, they have multiplied. I've squashed hundreds of them already. But they seem to have spread out. They're all over the house now. And now they are on the offensive. I have found several brave warrior ants crawling up my body. I usually don't catch them until they reach my shoulder. I suppose this is because these devious little critters can swing from hair to hair.

I've located a couple of the holes through which they seem to be entering my apartment. I did my best action hero voice while spraying Raid into the holes saying, "Suck on that you little shits!" I've sprayed high ant traffic areas with mentholatum, which I'm told they hate. I think it just gives my ants a pleasant high. I have been vigilant in the war with the ants, but they seem to be winning. I'm afraid because in a week I'll be off to teach at a kids camp in Naju, Korea and the ants will have two weeks to fortify their presence here once again. Anyone with advice on killing ants, feel free to post it here. Please!!

On a brighter note, while in Thailand at a popular Pattaya watering hole, one of the bar girls told me to open my mouth and close my eyes. Being foolishly optimistic and happily inibriated, I complied. She stuck a fried grasshopper in my mouth. After crunching on it a while and identifying it as an insect I instictively spit most of it out. However, and this is the bright note, the parts I couldn't spit out were pretty tasty! Now if I could just get that recipe, substitute ant where it calls for grasshopper, I may solve my ant problem while saving tens of won on groceries!

Other than the ants, nothing news in Yangju. So far there is only rain, not North Korean missiles in the skies. The Kia Tigers are still holding their own in the Korean Baseball League. I plan to go to the Naju area a little early so as to watch a Tigers game or two before camp starts. I hope I can.

Anyone with good anti-ant advice, (or good recipes), lemme know. See ya.

Back in Korea

Well, first things first, as promised, here's that 5-dollar pic of me feeding the little tiger. Isn't she cute? She had really huge feet. That was the cutest thing about her to me. I'm sure she will have grown into those feet by the time I go back to visit her again. And I WILL go back. I had a great time in Pattaya. And I am fully educated on the place now. I went to Fatty's Restaurant one night and while waiting for my meal I read a little Pattaya guide book called Money Number One. Even if you aren't a single man, or aren't planning to visit the place, give this book a read. And it's now been updated too. I was laughing my ass off in the restaurant reading it.

Last entry, I was moving from room #2 to room #4. It was a bit of a downgrade, but still really good accomodations. I talked to the cook at my hotel and she turned me onto these little, yellow pills that allowed me to venture out more. If you know what I'm saying... So I managed to squeeze in three rounds of golf at three different courses in the Pattaya area. I golfed Phoenix, Thai Navy and Treasure Hill. They were all absolutely gorgeous courses. I think I liked Phoenix the best but I golfed my best at Treasure Hill. Even got a birdie! Woohoo! But I still spent a lot of time in the woods and in the sand, "looking for the treasure".

But I think the best part of the golfing was the group of guys I golfed with. Loads of fun. And none of them are gonna be on the tour any time soon so I wasn't intimidated by their golfing expertise. Just a casual group of Singha-swilling hackers who all have the whack-fuck sickness as bad as I. I'm sure I haven't seen the last of them.

I had a blast in Pattaya! I highly recommend it. I even got to use my new snorkelling gear down at the beach. Next time I'll go out to Ko Lan and do some real snorkelling. But I was quite content to watch the soccer and play bar games and pool with the girls at the Atlantic Club just down the street from my hotel. Apart from some small problems like not knowing whether the locals were saying "seventy" or "twenty" baht, (they both sound like "teventy" to me), it was a trouble-free vacation. A first for me!

Now it's back to the old grind in Korea. I'm choosing between two kids' camps here starting next week. I'll be sure to take pics and tell you all the details. See ya later.

Pattaya Paradise

Hello everybodeeee!
Well, I didn't make it to Kanchanaburi with Kasia. We went in opposite directions. She went north and I went south. As it turns out it was a good decision for both of us. She told me she had a great time up there seeing the bridge over the river Kwai, the tiger temple and the historical sites where all those people died. I, on the other hand, took a van to Pattaya and checked into the Welkom Inn. They gave me room number 2. Fitting because that's almost all I've done in the room to this point - number 2. I have had the wicked runs since I've been here and NOTHING is helping. However, somebody has room number 2 booked for tomorrow so I have to change. I'm hoping the room change will coincide with a change in bowel consistency.
I have managed to get out a little bit. I bought myself a snorkel and prescription mask at a nice dive shop here called Mermaid's I think. I have yet to use them due to the diarrhea, but I've extended my stay here in the hopes that I will overcome this ailment.
On a brighter note, I did have one good day while here. Good constitutionally speaking. So I went to the Million Year Stone and Crocodile Park. Or something like that. What a cool place that is! I just happen to like rocks and they have some petrified trees that are guestimated to be like a million years old. Plus some really interesting old rocks. And the gardening is unreal! Also they have some animals there that were a hoot! I actually fed a baby tiger. That was a thrill. They are just like really big cats. Very little difference that I can see. Boy was she pissed when I stopped feeding her too! Plus I made friends with some elephants and a couple birds. I fed some HUGE catfish that reminded me of prehistoric monsters. I saw some yahoos sticking their heads in crocodiles' mouths and I even got to feed the crocks myself! They put a rotten chicken on a long fishing pole and you hang it over the water and watch the crocks crawl all over each other coming way outta the water to get it. That crock puts up a helluva fight lemme tellya! Took the bait and snapped the line though. But I'll get her next time after she grows some. heh heh.
Unfortunately, my camera ran out of juice JUST as I bought a picture of me feeding the little tiger. I paid 40 baht, (a buck), for the chick to take a pic of me with my camera. When she pushed the button, the camera shut down. What a pisser! However, unbeknownst to me, whilst I was feeding the little feline there was an enterprising young Thai chick taking my pic with her own camera. Then while I was wandering around eating these AWESOME honey/orange popsicles they have here and sharing with a particularly friendly cockatoo who would lick it and then shake his head then come back and lick it and shake his head again, this young chick rides up to me on her bicycle and takes a really large photo out of the basket and hands it to me. I instinctively went into polite refusal mode but then I saw the photo. It was great! I paid 200 baht for it. (5 bucks). When I get back to Korea and my scanner, I'll be sure to include it here.
Unfortunately, I didn't get pics of the crock show or the really cool elephants I met. I was watching some guys getting a pic being lifted up by one of the elephants and suddenly I hear this huffing and puffing about an inch from my face. The other elephant smelled my Dentyne Ice gum I suppose and she was sniffing me. Have you ever had a trunk an inch in front of your face? It's a moving experience lemme tell you. So I bought up a basket of bananas and started feeding them to the two elephants one at a time. But my gum sniffing friend wasn't gonna stand for that. She reaches her trunk right into the basket of bananas and tried to get them ALL! ha ha ha. Bananas everywhere! So I'm trying to pick them up and feed them to the elephants and there were two trunks trying to beat me to the bananas. It was hilarious! They had a good feast though. And they thanked me by doing a little dance lifting one leg and swaying it back and forth in front of the other. I'll miss those old, grey, wrinkled girls.
I've met a couple of INSANE British guys here. They want to go out tonight to the shooting range. I think that sounds kind of cool so I think I better go. Wayne and Cy. I'll try to get some pics of us toting .45's or rifles or something. If I can. I hate to say this, but apart from the green apple splatters keeping me chained to my hotel room, this holiday has been relatively disaster free so far! Now I've just gone and jinxed myself. But that'll make for an interesting next entry. See ya then. I would include some pics but I am having trouble doing that from here. I can't figure out why. I will try from my computer when I get back to Korea. See ya then.

Monk pic

I don't know why this isn't working. But I am paying a baht a minute so I'll just put the monk pic in a new post. Here it is. He seems to be having as much trouble with his phone as I'm having with the computer I'm using here. Technology!

Sawas dee cap

Hey everybody! Greetings from Thailand. That's what the title means in case you were a wondering. Lemme say right off the bat I hope you appreciate this posting because I just spent 40 minutes doing a really nice post complete with several pictures and lost it. Thai computers are getting better but they're still not as wired here as Korea. Oh well, take two.
I haven't YET had any real big misadventures that I know of. But the vacation is young and I'm still in the relatively comfortable confines of the Khao San road area. Tomorrow morning I'm going to Kanchanaburi to see the tiger temple and the bridge over the river Kwai with Kasia.
I've been hanging out with Kasia and a friend she met named Claudia for a couple days and we've had some fun. We went to Siam Square the other day. It's a very impressive, ultra modern mall here in Bangkok. We did some black light bowling, I ran through a fountain and we all ate at the sizzler. It was good food but I found a little tiny cockroach in mine. The three of us pigged out for the equivalent of about 14 bucks so I didn't really want to complain about the extra protein. So this is what we did instead. They probly got the message.
I've noticed a few changes since I was here last about 5 years ago. The biggest two changes are good, but not so good. First, there are all kinds of bank machines - FUNCTIONAL bank machines around here. I brought all kinds of American cash but it turns out I didn't have to. Now I can get all the cash I want. Hmmmmm...
The second good and bad change is a 24-hour Mickey Dees right down the street from my hotel. (He says as he surreptitiously leans over and cracks off a Big Mac and gin/tonic fart and hopes nobody at the internet corner notices). So far I haven't eaten there before 3 am. Nuff said. I gotta include the pic of Ronald Mcdonald doing the Thai greeting. He looks a bit freaky doesn't he? Like he poisoned all the french fries. Maybe he's been into the Thai tree. Hee hee hee.
I'll include one more pic although that's what is killing me here. I gotta put it in though. It's a classic. I took an after breakfast walk and went by the Grand Palace. On the way I saw a monk in the orange robe I absolutely had to take a pic of. If you look closely, YES, he is talking on a cell phone. HA HA HA HA. That just killed me.
Well, I hope this works. It's almost time to go to the fights. I'm gonna watch some Muay Thai tonight. I'll post more about my Thai adventure for sure.

Education Whore

I'm gonna blather on a little bit more about my job here in Korea because I'm still feeling dirty from what I had to do yesterday. Let me splain. No it would take too long. Let me sum up. I taught about 200 students for the past 16 weeks. I'll use two students as examples of why you won't find my school on any lists of top educational facilities in Korea. In my class all you have to do is finish your assignments, write your tests, answer questions, come to class and try to stay awake. With the extremely lowered expectations I employ coupled with an uncanny knack Korean students have for cheating, that'll get you about 80%. Compare that to the student who occasionally strolls into class an hour and a half late and proceeds to distract other waking students by chatting in Korean, listens to his mp3 player, reads the Korean news, does Korean homework, talks on his phone, plays games on it and sends textmessages etc. Generally when you make a concerted effort NOT to learn like this you will end up with about 20% in my class just because you showed up when it suited your fancy.
I've been told to give no lower than 70% in my classes. So I have to give the 20% slacker 50 free percent. To try to offset that I give the 80 student an extra 20. SO, the bad student gets a gift of 250% and the good student gets a gift of 25%. Also, on the official attendance, no student has more than 11 hours absent. This too benefits the slackers.
What kind of message is this sending? I'll tell you, "Don't try. It's not worth it."
Yesterday I sent this message to 200 students. I feel like I should be sent to jail for two hundred counts of contributing to the stupidity of a minor.
To add insult to injury, after compiling the lists of phony marks, and phony attendance, my supervisor then required me to sign these lists like this anti-education was MY idea.
How did I choose to maintain some semblance of pride in my work? How did I choose to cleanse myself of this dirty academic whoredom? I refused to sign the lists and today I'm going to Seoul to pick up a ticket to Thailand I purchased. Hopefully two weeks of visiting the tiger sanctuary, snorkelling, riding elephants and such will dull the guilt I feel. If nothing else it'll provide some cool pics for this site, and no doubt some of the usual misadventures I have when I travel. Then when I get back I'll spend two or three weeks of my holiday doing some extremely intense REAL teaching at a kids camp somewhere in Korea. This is the pennance I have sentenced myself to. Hopefully all this will prepare me to reprise my role as an academic whore in September.
Wish me luck.

As I take a slug of white Russian and lick the drips off my moustache while swallowing I'm feeling very Dude-like tonight. If you don't know the reference watch the Big Lebowsky. Then read it again and you'll get a chuckle. Maybe. Things are getting Dude-like around here. I'm marking final exams and realizing how little most of my students have learned. Now I have to try to fake like I did my job. I was in the supervisor's office today saying, "In the parlance of our time, new, uh, uh, shit has-has, uh, come to light, man!" Or something a bit more professional sounding.
The thing is, the more I talk to my supervisor, the more I think the sum total of what he has to give me for advice is "Don't worry about test scores, assignments, homework, attendance, participation points or other such records you've been keeping for the past 16 weeks, just give everyone really high marks." Or something more professional sounding.
It's far more neccessary to have things LOOKING official even if they're complete horseshit. For example, if a student misses more than 11 hours he or she automatically fails. Any subject. And I think that's good because my classes have averaged a total of 42 hours or so. 12 hours is about 29% of class. So if a student misses 12 hours but absolutely aces the stuff he's been there for, the best he can hope for is 71%. And as near as makes no difference, the students who are missing more than 11 classes are not likely to ace anything except maybe textmessaging 101, soju drinking 1100 or advanced slackassing.
Well, I've been told to give nobody more than 11 hours absent. So people who have been absent for half the classes will have a really nice 11 after their names on my attendance.
Not only that but we've been told that students don't really fail English in this school. Unless there is someone who just hasn't been in class at all, they all have to get at least 60%. So I'm gonna have a lot of students who missed more than 50% of class getting 60%! "Why is everything" in Korean schools, "always such a travesty, man!?!?"
So it looks like things are pretty lax. Not so! The way to fill out our official attendance forms was outlined and I think that's gonna take more time than marking the final exams did. I have 3-hour classes. If a student was absent for one of the three hours I hafta make a /. For two of three I make a //. For all three hours I cross the //. And it is important to evenly disperse the phony crossed //'s, //'s and /'s for the students you are trying to make look like they were only absent 11 hours. We have to try to make it look genuine if we can.
For holidays or special days like sports days, military training days for the guys, school festivals, and we had an election day this semester, mark all the students present but for those you intend to fail, mark them away. I think that's what I was told anyway.
We have to fill in the month, date, day and hours of each class on a form that's only in Korean so God help those teachers who don't read Korean. Luckily I do. But after I've sounded the words out with domestic accuracy and pronunciation, I don't really know what the hell they mean.
The marks are even more ridiculous. It's important to keep things pretty standard because it looks phony if one class has much higher marks than another. I have one class of about 45 who averaged in the 80's on their final exams and another class with about the same number of students in it that averaged about 15-20%. How in the name of FUCK do you average that shit out?!? And these classes have been that way all semester long! I tried really hard to make things easier for the shitty class. And harder for the good class. The good class even missed one day for the love of God! That's three extra hours for the duds! But I suppose it wasn't enough.
Not only that but within the bonehead class are about 4 students who are absolutely awesome! Two got 100% on the exam and two got 98%. So how can they be learning while the rest are getting dumber? And if I add like 50% to other students' marks, what do I do for these four?
It gets worse! Not only do I have to try to keep my classes' marks fairly uniform, but all five of the English teachers have to come up with similar marks for all their classes. How we are supposed to find out what kind of marks the other teachers are giving their students, I don't know. "Just cuz we're foreigners doesn't mean we're SAPS!!"
And now the worst part: after we have sharpened our marking pencils and created what we think is a stinky enough pile of academic fraud, we have to plug it all into the computer system at the school. Of course it is all in Korean and it has WAY too many bells and whistles and little bugs that we will no doubt learn about the hard way. And of course every little mouse click that is second nature to a Korean will be totally foreign to us foreigners and they won't think of explaining it. Like when you click on the icon for the program we need to enter the marks into, a box may come up that says, "Are you sure you want to enter this program?" because all Korean electronic shit has plenty of these useless extra steps to it. The choices will be yes and no but they will be in Korean so we won't have any idea what we're looking at. If we manage to guess correctly, a warning may come up that says, "The domain you are entering is not protected by your current virus software. What would you like to do?" The choices will be continue or delete all the work you have done up to this point. But we won't know what we're looking at. So we'll have to guess. That's just one example.
I've tried this inputting marks into a computer before and it's always a MASSIVE pain in the ass even when the program is in English.
But this is where I earn most of my money I guess. It'll be a very "creative" week I guess, working all this out. But after that it's two months of holidays! WOOOHOOOOO! Despite all my bellyaching, I'll think it's worth it when I'm drinking my Caucasians in Boracay, Kuta or Patong Beach. Just don't ask me if I think it's worth it right NOW.

Soccer!

It's World Cup time again and this country has gone insane with all out support for their soccer team. I like the Korean enthusiasm. Their fans did Korea proud in the last World Cup. Every Korean I know has been anticipating the World Cup for four years talking about how they're going to do even better than they did in 2002. With all the hype in this country you would think it would be easy for me to get into soccer. It's one of very few sports I just don't like. But I've been forcing myself to watch the qualifying matches, trying to remember key players' names and what pool they'll be in etc. I even went out last night to city hall here in Yangju, (or as the locals call it, "shitty hole"), where there was a big screen and a band in the back of a pick-up and about a thousand Yangjuians sporting their red "Corea Fighting!" shirts and their flashing red devil horns singing and chanting and drinking soju. It should be easy for me to catch the spirit, right? Don't get me wrong, I was pulling for Korea in their game against Togo last night. But it was too crowded at City Hall. I went to a bar closer to home where I could actually see the screen, drink some good beer and didn't have to stand. I'm not a big enough fan to make those sacrifices yet. Not even for the biggest sporting event in the world.
So I got a stool at the local Live Bar conveniently located about 150 yards from my apartment to watch Korea vs. Togo. I sat there drinking Heini Dark. I thought it a suitable beverage for the event since the consensus in this country was that Korea was going to kick some dark heini. It was pretty funny to see the panic at the end of the first half when Togo was up 1-0. But I assured my fellow cheerers that if Australia can come back from a 1-0 deficit against Japan and win 3-1 the night before, (see? I'm watching the games!), Korea could do the same.
Not far into the second half Korea was up 2-1 and the place was going berserk, but I, being not quite swept away by the glory of that fact, noticed something very strange. I saw several instances when Togo, (in yellow), sent two guys into the Korean zone to face about 8 Korean defenders. It just didn't make sense to me. Where were the other yellow shirts? For the remainder of the game Togo played very defensively. The most I saw were three yellow shirts in the Korean zone for half the second half!
Now I realize that one of the Togo players had received a red card and was booted off the field but shouldn't there have been two or three defenders in the Togo zone and the rest at least at midfield? I mean once they were down by a goal of course. But it looked like they were happy with the 2-1 score. And that was the final. I just couldn't wrap my head around it. I couldn't imagine anything stranger in soccer.
Then I went home and watched the France/Switzerland game. Did anyone stay up late like I did for that GEM? OH MY GOD Magnum! What a yawner! BOTH teams were playing Togo style sending 2 or maybe 3 guys into the offensive zone to try to score. THE WHOLE GAME! Like they wanted a 0-0 tie! And of course they got it. And I stayed up till 3 or 4 am to see this travesty! I should have waited till today because, classic soccer battle that it was, it is being replayed and replayed today all over Korean TV.
How can people call this sport "the beautiful game"? As far as I'm concerned when an athlete or coach is more concerned with stopping the other team from scoring than helping his own team to score, particularly when his team is losing, he is a PUSSY and he should give up on sport and become a life insurance salesman. And it's never been beautiful to me to watch these well trained actors getting grazed by an opponent's cleat and going down like they were shot by a sniper. Even waiting for the stretcher to carry them off and then bounding back onto the field immediately like a gazelle. And how can even a loyal supporter cheer when a goal is scored on a penalty kick given for an Academy Award performance like that?
I know I'm in the minority on this but I think soccer sucks. If anything the World Cup is making me hate it more. It's only the most popular sport in the world because no matter how poor you are, you can tie a few shirts together for a ball and you can play it. But that's just my opinion.
Corea fighting. :(

Progress?

Okay, time for another serious entry. I've been bombarded by messages all month about this topic from all sorts of sources so that it's been on my mind constantly and I'm starting to see that almost everything relates to it. Recent news stories all have a bit of it. Recent blogs I've been reading contain it. TV shows I've been watching. Even an e-mail I got from Kasia had this little story about a wise woman.
"The Wise Woman's Stone" A wise woman who was traveling in the mountains found a precious stone in a stream. The next day she met another traveler who was hungry, and the wise woman opened her bag to share her food. The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him. She did so without hesitation. The traveler left, rejoicing in his good fortune. He knew the stone was worth enough to give him security for a lifetime. But a few days later he came back to return the stone to the wise woman. "I've been thinking," he said, "I know how valuable the stone is, but I give it back in the hope that you can give me something even more precious. Give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone." Author Unknown
Those are ALWAYS author unknown stories! Probly because the author wasn't selfish enough to publish it for personal profit.
My topic today my little cheeky monkies is selfishness. Or really selflessness, and how the further we "progress" as a species, the further behind we leave it. And before you cast any stones, I'm thoroughly guilty of selfishness myself. I count it as my worst vice, yet am perfectly happy to try to practice selflessness passively. I'll do unto others... if the opportunity should arise.
Excuse me whilst I wax religious: The golden rule is not so much a trite tidbit of advice we should think of occasionally, but a commandment that, being golden, should be foremost in the lives of good people. I believe there is a golden rule in all religion that is pretty much the same, and indeed this is a sentiment I have found to be innate in all good people religious or not. No matter how it's said, "Do unto others as you would have done unto you." is the answer to all the world's problems. If we could all just DO it, we wouldn't need Heaven. Or for that matter, Hell. Or Nirvana or Valhalla or Enlightenment or the thousand virgin party or whatever.
I found Kasia's wise woman story to be a pretty good test of how good a person I am. And I failed miserably. If a person is able to even imagine the woman being happier to have given the stone to the man than the man at having received it, that person is well on his/her way to being good, heavenly, enlightened, or whatever. While I was reading it I was saying, "No, no, no! What kind of a jerk asks for a gem from a woman who is kind enough to offer him food? He doesn't deserve the gem!" I found myself thinking, "How phony is this? What woman would part with a valuable gem, much less give one to a stranger?" I was even guilty of thinking, "HAH! Of course it's a WOMAN who gives the MAN the stone! And a WOMAN who sent it to me! Womanly wiles! Delete, delete, delete!" I certainly am not enlightened enough to understand how the woman could be the happier of the two after giving away something so valuable. What did YOU think when you read it? More to the point, what do you suppose led you to think that way?
I was recently watching 20/20 on my beloved AFKN and there was a story of a middle school teacher in the States somewhere who did a little social experiment in her classes. She divided her students into groups and gave them a jar full of Hershey's Kisses. She gave the jar to one member of each group and told him/her to take as many as he/she wanted and to pass it on. After all members got the same chance, the number of Kisses left in the jar would be doubled and they could do it again. So if they had six Kisses left, the teacher would give them six more and they could pass the jar around again. The teacher said that none of the groups had any remaining Kisses and most groups had one or more members who got no Kisses at all. The group members were thinking less about doing unto others and more about what they would have done unto them.
Now it could be argued that if they had thought long-term and stretched it out for several rounds, they could all have several jars full of Kisses and that THIS is the more selfish thinking. I disagree. I think "get all you can NOW" is the worst kind of selfishness and that's what is killing our planet. And, with all due respect to my American buddies, I haven't heard about this test being successfully replicated in other countries around the world. But then again, maybe it could be. What has brought us to this point? And can whatever has brought us to this point be accurately called "progress"?
Anyone ever heard of Martin Frobisher? He was an English explorer who visited the arctic in Elizabethan times. He found the "savages" living there to have some very "crude" and "uncivilized" customs. For instance, they had no concept of ownership. Anyone could borrow anything from anyone else, including wives, without being expected to repay it. Frobisher's crew had a field day with this custom. They took all kinds of Inuit goods and inventions like furs, kayaks, sleighs, mukluks etc. with no concern about how well the people could survive without them. They even picked an Inuit man, kayak and all, out of the water beside the ship and brought him back to England where they GAVE him to the queen as a present. He was treated like a well loved pet. Elizabeth enjoyed watching him hunt swans on the Avon in his kayak. He eventually died, (of a COLD for crying out loud!), far away from his family and his "uncivilized" land where many of his friends and family died off due largely to inequities in trade with the British.
The other natives in Canada had no concept of ownership when white men arrived either. Over the years they sure have smartened up haven't they? While I was living in Thunder Bay about 10 years ago, my neighbour, a native guy, unlocked my bike and took it. His wife had their car. I was almost late for work when he returned with the bike. I was really mad and told him he could borrow it any time but he had to ask me first. He challenged me to a fight because he thought I was saying he had stolen it. If I wasn't late for work, I may have taken him up on the fight offer. But I didn't. I just took the bike and rode it to work. I was late. Then one night my roommate and I were having a noisy party and guess who came over to complain about US infringing on his house owner's rights?
And then there's Ann Coulter talking about how some 911 widows are complaining about government officials, police, firefighters etc. all for personal gain. It seems to me if Ann Coulter is buying up 1.5 million dollar condos and 1.8 million dollar homes, maybe she's complaining about these women for her own personal gain. If she really just wanted to get her message out; if she really believed in it; if she really wanted to be like Jesus; she wouldn't charge for the books and may even leak the stories out like the story of the woman and the stone: author unknown.
The lyrics of an old song written by Kerry Livgren of the group Kansas come to mind.
Progress! We are marching backward,
Progress! as the captains of our fate.
Progress! We are marching backward,
Progress! We destroy and annihilate.
I'd better write a letter to my Gramma, or give some money to the poor, or send my sister some wedding cash, or do something nice in complete anonymity for somebody else today. I'm gonna try to give someone a precious stone. I think that's what the signs are telling me.

Cream of Broccolant

Yesterday around lunch time I got ambitious and decided to make some broccoli soup. It turned out pretty good. A full head of broccoli, some pasta, cream sauce, pepper, deee-licious if I do say so myself. Toward the end of my first bowl I started noticing that some of the broccoli seeds had an odd shape and colour to them. Upon closer inspection I realized that I had unwittingly added an extra ingredient: ants. I had thoroughly cleaned the broccoli and there were no ants in the pasta. The cream sauce was in a sealed package and the water was straight from a bottle. My best guess is the ants had congregated in the bottom of my soup pot and somehow I had whipped up my soup without noticing them. What a way to go! Drowned and boiled.
Since moving into my apartment a few months ago I've had a problem with tiny ants. It was really bad when I first got here. They infested two boxes of cereal, a pack of Halls lozenges, a couple packs of gum, a few sticks of butter, and I had to throw out a bowl of sugar. I've found them in my pack sack, on my cutting board, on my dirty dishes, even in my kettle. I have since bought ant traps, ant spray, sprayed ant traffic areas with menthol, (which I was told they hate), and manually squashed thousands of the little critters. The entire building was sprayed with really strong anti-ant juice and I had to vacate my apartment for a whole day while that was done. But they just won't go away.
I think the best advice I have received to make life easier in Korea has been, "Don't sweat the small stuff." These ants are REALLY small, but it's pretty hard not to "sweat" pouring a cup of tea and having a dozen dead ants rise to the surface. Or pouring a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios and feeling about 50 ants crawling all over my hand and up my arm. I never know what I'm going to open next and get a creepy crawly surprise.
They don't bite and I've eaten enough of them to feel confident that they are not harmful when consumed. In fact, my broccoli soup was extra tasty and I felt pretty darn good after eating it. Natives used to eat particularly brave enemies' hearts hoping to ingest some of their courage. Maybe I'll eat enough of these critters to adopt some of their characteristics. It would be useful to have a better work ethic or to be able to lift 50 times my wieght.
So, in the spirit of not sweating the small stuff, I suppose I'll combat my ant problem by making cream of broccolant soup more often. If I start sprouting antennae I'll post a pic on this blog. Anybody want to come over for dinner?

06/06/06

What do you do on the last day on earth? It's something I have thought about a few times. But I forgot yesterday was the day the AntiChrist was supposed to blow the world up. What a thing to forget! Then again, it's still June 6th in some parts of the world NOW I think. Which begs the question, what time does the AntiChrist have? And that brings up the question, what kind of watch is the Evil One sporting? Rolex? Timex? Mickey Mouse? Is he on Jarusalem time? American time? Asian time? All stumpers.
If you notice the date on the picture to the right, it's not 06/06/06. I just included the pic cuz that's basically how I felt yesterday. And I think he's just plain cute. Alex isn't too bad either. Ar ar ar.
I'll tell you what I did cuz I think it was as good a day as any. I woke up at 10 in my room at the hotel where I always sleep off long nights of drinking in Seoul. I've flopped there enough times that I actually have a "usual" room. It's 119. 11:00 is check-out time so I had an hour to get used to my hangover and summon the energy to shower and shave and all those other "sh" words. I had spent a couple hours the night before with Heather, Mike, Reilly and Roman on the roof of the Nashville restaurant. I love the roof of the Nashville restaurant and they have the best burgers in Korea there, which you can eat on the roof while drinking Red Rock for the same price as local beer. Then my buddy Kasia came by and had a beer and a half with me. She left me to go on a hot date with some other guy. So, I went where I usually go, and more often "end up", Woodstock. It's my favourite bar in Korea and within easy staggering distance of room 119. Incidentally, 119 is the Korean 911. So it's a perfect room for my purposes.
When I'm in Seoul I sometimes wanna go where everybody knows my name. So I Tae Won Woodstock is the place. The stool next to the DJ booth has my ass print in it. They don't say "DAVE!" when I walk in, but the DJ will throw on some Rush for me. I had a good night with several people who knew my name shootin the shit, drinking sambuca shots, playing pool, smoking all my cigars, listening to some mighty fine tunes and ensuring that if the world were to end, I would be goin out with a hangover.
Doomsday at 11:00 after just checking out of 119, I had to eat. Since 119 is in the same building as McDonalds I had some Mcbrunch there. Then at noon I met Kasia and Christy at Burger King. We walked around in the midday heat looking for a tea set Kasia wanted to give a relative as a wedding present. Got a good one too. Then we went to the Three Alley Pub at 4 pm. to have the ribeye. It was GORGEOUS as usual.
Around 6 o'clock, the appropriate time for the world to end, Christy went home on the subway and Kasia and I decided to visit a few more friends while still on the earth. We walked to Mike and Heather's just in time to catch the end of a game of Memory Heather was playing with Reilly Kate. I won't tell you the score but Heather got her azz whooped. hee hee hee. Then Heather pulled the lasagna out of the oven. I really should have eaten with them since you just don't count calories when you're gonna die and lasagna is a rare treat here in Korea, but Kasia and I were still full from the steak. Also, lasagna always knocks me out. The picture, (finally I get to the picture), was taken the last time I ate lasagna. I made some at my friends' house near Pyung Taek back in March. As you can see lasagna's soporific effects on me can be hazardous to small children. Alex was okay though, don't worry. But I didn't want to endanger the lives of Reilly or Roman.
Anyway, Kasia and I both went home after our visit and we both woke up and went to work the next day. As yet, still no appearance by the AntiChrist. Another Armageddon averted. Woohoo! Now I have to go to the gym to work off my hedonistic, end-of-the-earth shenanigans. But it was well worth it!