Optimistic me

Well it's the end of the term here. Next week is exam time. If it's anything like previous years it'll be heaps of fun trying to figure out how to mark people and post the marks on a ridiculously complicated online system. But who knows, it might be less of a hassle than expected. See? See? I can still think positively! Even though that's always what ends up getting me into trouble.

A brief example. Tonight I had the cavalier shortsightedness to pick up the phone and order pizza instead of saving myself some money and a headache and going with the pick-up option. Why I EVER do that is a mystery to me. Because if the run of the mill garden variety Korean can't understand me when I am speaking perfect Korean with bang on pronunciation slanged up and slurred like I've been speaking it my whole life, how could I ever expect the guy who answers the phone at Dominoes to know what I'm saying? Positive thinking.

So the guy answers with the hello Dominoes Pizza greeting and I start ordering a large super supreme pizza. I said, " Yoposayo, lah ji Super Supreme Pizza ju sayo." Unfortunately in Korea it's not Super Supreme it's shyoo puh shyoo peu leem. The guy on the phone is no rocket scientist. He probably thinks Dominoes is Korean and shyoo puh shyoo peu leem is a clever Korean title for a pizza. I didn't use the Korean massacring of "Super Supreme" even though I DID say "lah ji" in stead of "large". Predictably his answer was, "Ye?"

"Ye" and "Ne" can both be used for "yes" and with interogative intonation as "what?" I have a habit of saying "yup" in English. It's got a bit of an upward intonation that causes great confusion when I transfer it into the Korean language. As you will see.

So I do the Koreanization of the pizza title. He understands. I wish I could record a call like this sometime for classroom purposes. My students and Korean friends are always telling me how "scientific" the Korean alphabet is. Nobody knows exactly what the hell that means including the parrots who say it, but part of it is the idea that any word from any language can be written using Korean characters. When I disagree and tell them it needs to be written and understood they always tell me they can understand it. Which is a total lie. It's why Koreans write new second language vocabulary in Korean characters and it's why every single person has identical pronunciation problems and it's not gonna change very soon. Job security for me! See? See?

Back to the pizza. He asks in Korean where I live. No, I don't know how to ask the question myself but I have logic on my side, (something I can't say for the guy on the other end of the phone), and I know he's gonna ask me where I live so the delivery driver can find me. So I start saying my address in Korean. I've said it many times before, I know how to say it, my pronunciation is fine and we have a good telephone connection but he just can't seem to understand me. I tell him, "Weon Cheong Men syon, B dong, sam baek sam ho." That means Weon Cheong Mansion B unit, room 303. He asks me if I'm in Deok Jeong. I live in Yangju and almost the entire city is Deok Jeong. The subway stop is named Deok Jeong. The high school and middle schools are named Deok Jeong. All the big apartments are Deok Jeong. The Dominos Pizza is in Deok Jeong about a 5 minute walk from my house. There are no other Weon Cheong Mansions anywhere. The guy has made 20 pizzas for me before and probably recognizes my voice. They have delivered umpteen dozen pizzas to Weong Cheong Mansion B dong and know exactly where it is. I am one of maybe three English speaking males in the area. I've seen the phone at the store, it has call display and they know who it is calling if you've called once before like every other Dominos Pizza in the whole fucking world but this guy just had to know if I was in Deok Jeong. Store policy to ask the neighbourhood I suppose. You wanna see the meaning of do as you're told? Give a Korean a rule.

So I say, "Deok Jeong. Ye." Only he hears my "ye." as "ye?" So he asks me back, "Ye?" I am briefly confused by his confusion and pause to ponder whether he doesn't understand me, if he's asking me whether or not I just said ye, whether he's never heard of Deok Jeong or what the problem could possibly be. And I was trying to think of the sub-neighbourhood to clarify WAY beyond what is necessary to get a pizza delivered. It took me 2.5 seconds to remember that I live in sah dan ji. That's 4, um, dan ji. I dunno what that means. Because Korea doesn't really have street names and their houses don't really have numbers they have a system of ever decreasing sized areas that are used to narrow down addresses rather than actually pinpoint them. Mail carriers and delivery people have to be geniuses. Anyway it didn't come to me instantly and I had to think. Fatal mistake. Another rule Koreans follow is the telephone pause rule. If you are not instantaneous in your answers, despite the fact that you are obviously a foreigner struggling with a very difficult language, they hit you with "yoposeyo?" This means "hello" but it is like "game over" on a video game. You have to start back at the beginning again.

So I sigh heavily and say my address and my order again in impeccable Korean. He understands and superfluously asks again if I'm in Deok Jeong and I say "ye" and drop waaaay down to a Johnny Cash baritone. He understands.

Now Koreans are still having a tough time getting foreign food. It's much better than when I first got here but there are still a lot of people who put odd toppings on pizzas, burgers. sandwiches and such. I've seen, and eaten, some whacky stuff. On pizza I've seen squid, boiled eggs, kimchi, ketchup, broccoli, mayo, mustard, sweet potato, cabbage, peas and the list goes on. They have all those extras but I defy you to get bacon. I miss bacon on pizza. Then there's the ubiquitous corn topping. A majority of pizzas here include it. I don't like it but often don't have the energy to ask them to hold the corn. It's much easier to just pick it off. But on this occasion I had to try. "Ok soo soo eopsoyo," I said. That means "no corn". Predictably he says,"Ye?" So I try a different angle of approach. "Ok soo soo peeri eopsoyo," I said. This means "I don't need corn." He says, "Ye?" Then he says, "Can you speak English?"

I know who this guy on the phone is. I know he speaks English pretty well. I've talked to him while waiting for my pizza several times. He knows who it is calling for a pizza. So I start coming unglued,"YES, I speak English. Do you speak Korean?" Predictably his answer is, "Ye?" "Ok soo soo!" I say voluminously. "Ok soo soo! Corn! Anyo! No! Eopsoyo! None!" The dime, (or hundred won coin), drops. "Oh, weed out cone." he says. "Yes! Without corn."

So now we're speaking English, which we could have done from the beginning. He recites my order and address in English only he says, and by this point I'm starting to think I might be a victim of one of the Korean Jerky Boys, "WEED CONE!"

"NO!" I yell at the phone, "WEED OUT CONE! WEED OUT CONE!"

"Ye ye ye. So dee so dee. Weed out cone. " he says.

So I finally did get my pizza. But next time I'll just go pick it up. That way I get a bit of exercise walking to Dominos. And if I'm ever too lazy to go I'll just choose to eat something else. Probably something more healthy. So ordering pizza on the phone is a pain in the ass but it's sort of a good thing that it is. Wow, look at me go! Positive thinking up a storm.

In other news, I signed a new one-year lease on my house conditional upon the landlord replacing my air conditioner, which is above my computer and leaks like a seive. A few weeks ago a guy came to try to repair it. The third time it has been looked at. This time I couldn't get it to leak. He said that he needed to see it leak before he could fix the problem. I can't understand why a guy who knew what he was doing couldn't just check the possible problems one at a time and find the problem without seeing the leak. But then again, like the first couple of guys, this guy probably wasn't actually a repairman. It's really getting hot here too. So yesterday I went to the grocery store and bought a shower hose and rigged it to my air conditioner so that the water will drip into a rig that kinda looks like an I.V. and then drain out my window. It was on for a couple hours today. Never leaked a drop. Go figure.

You can even see this blog entry on the pic if you look closely. And I had just finished eating some of my pizza. You can just see the plate and crust dipping sauce on top of my printer. And the pizza is what the paper towels are for... of course.

I solved my own ant problem and fixed my own air conditioner. People solve their own problems here. When you have a fender bender you get out your wallets and bicker for a while then drive away. No expensive lawyers needed. People hardly ever sue. My handyman skills are really improving too. I guess this is just another good thing about Korea.

See? See? See?

Top Ten Surprises on the Sopranos Finale

I'm getting excited to see the finale of the Sopranos. My favourite non-animated TV show is ending for good soon. The latest David Letterman top ten contest is Top Ten Surprises on the Sopranos Finale. I normally only submit one entry to the Letterman top ten contests but this time I am getting greedy. I'm trying for the whole top ten. That would be cool. Here are my ten entries:

10 Janice kills Carmella for ziti recipe.

9 Sil finds out too late he is the first new patient in years for Dr. Kervorkian.

8 Anthony Junior becomes the boss... at a local Toys "R" Us.

7 Meadow enrolls in law school and busts entire family as homework assignment.

6 Mob family war is settled by pitting Paulie Gualtieri against Phil Leotardo in a WWE hairmatch.

5 Tony's new therapist - Dr. Phil!

4 A geneological study shows that the Sopranos are actually Tenors.

3 The "safe"house Tony's gang is holed up in turns out to be one of Carmella's spec houses, which she burns for insurance purposes accidentally killing everyone.

2 Tony gets an extra long lapdance and, BA DA BING, heart attack.

And the number one surprise in the Sopranos Final Episode: Tony gets whacked...

by Stewie Griffin of Family Guy.

Wish me luck.

By the way, I don't know who signed that autograph beside Stewie but it should be Fran Doyle. Sorry bout that, Fran. Liars, cheaters and stealers always prosper eh?

Happy Birthday Buddha

Hey folks. I figured I'd start this entry with a pic. Why not leave it at the top and save my self the trouble of moving it and repairing all the errors that causes? Am I the only one whose blog goes haywire when I import a pic? Anyways, nice pic eh? I got this at Everland. I've been there 7 times now and I think since the very first time I've wanted to get one of these things done. I absolutely love watching the artists. I like watching the artists who draw the portraits even better than the caricature artists, but couldn't find any this time. I'm pretty happy with this nonetheless. It's like he knew me! And it WILL be what I'm doing soon.

Exam week is June 18 - 22. Then on the 25th I start teaching extra intensive courses for money over and above my salary. July 16th is my last day of intensive courses. Then it's off to Thailand to spend my extra dough on golf and debauchery. I have over a month to spend in Thailand. Or maybe I'll split the time between Thailand and another country. I was hoping to have less of a holiday and more work this summer BUT my new school pulled the same screw job my old school did on me. They promised teachers could work at camps during the holidays and now it has been announced that we can't. I had a camp arranged for late July and early August that would have given me two weeks vacation and I would have finished the camp two weeks before the new semester started. That would have been perfect. But noooooo! Koreans will only tell the truth in business dealings as a last resort.

I would have had the same camp in the winter for the same amount of money. So now in the last two years the, "Oh yes we will give you permission to work at camps" and a couple other lies have cost me about 15 thousand dollars. Actually both years they used that lie amongst others to induce me into signing the contracts so it's cost me 15 thou and two years in Korea. And I know that when I go into the office tomorrow if I see Mee Sook, the one who told me the lie, she's gonna pull the same act that the guys did last year. Tomorrow Me Sook is going to act like SHE'S the one mad a ME! They get angry if you point out their conniving, cheating, lying, stealing, pure fucking evil business practices. Like a guy stabbing you repeatedly with a knife might get mad at you if you tried to dial 911. I don't know if I'll be able to control myself. I may say some things in pure rage tomorrow. I don't think I'll ever be on good terms with my supervisor ever again. And already it looks a lot like I'll be going to YET ANOTHER new school at the end of this contract. Or maybe before. But the new school will just lie to me too. This is working in Korea. Fun fun fun!

I'll talk about the Buddha's Birthday long weekend later. I'm seething right now. I can't write or think anything positive.

I'm number 8! I'm number 8!

Hey! It's midnight here and I gotta wake up a six AM but I stayed up to watch David Letterman anyway. Boy am I glad I did!

I'm a huge fan! Always have been. I even have the website on my favourites. And sometimes enter the top ten contest. You can get a free t-shirt if they use your entry. I've done, I dunno 20 or so. A LOOOONG time ago the category, "Top ten indications you're at a lame nudist colony" was the topic. THEY PICKED MINE! Here's the site. I'm number 8!

I don't think I'm getting a T - shirt though. They added the parenthetics to cover their asses and save the price of a shirt. Cheap melon forkers! But the Jessica Alba/Jessica Tandy part is all mine!

So am I a published author? Ha ha ha. This brings up all kinds of questions. I can't sleep at a time like this!!! While I was watching I was falling asleep. I didn't recognize the topic as one I'd contributed to and ALMOST didn't notice my entry. But as you know from my previous post I really like Jessica Alba and I think the process in my mind went something like, "That's something I coulda wrote. Except for the lame part about renting Cocoon. Wait a minute Alba... Tandy, I DID WRITE THAT!" And it took about a second.

Now I'm wondering how many of the other 19 have been used. I don't mind at all. It's a thrill for me. As you can tell. And I've got T-shirts. But I have to start paying more attention to the top 10 lists. Or maybe I'll record my entries somehow.

I'm number 8! I'm number 8!

I downloaded the episode and watched it on my computer again. Not the whole episode, of course. Did anyone else think number 8 got just a little more of a laugh than the others? I think I detected that the audience might have been launching into a round of applause and possibly even a standing ovation but then Letterman cut that short by reading the "go rent Cocoon" part. Dammit! Aw, how can I stay mad at Dave. I have a great deal of respect for him. He's great. No question. But those laughs are MINE, baby! Hoo Hoo Haaah Haaaah! I made people laugh. ON TV!

Now to get an episode of the Simpsons on TV. There's much to be done!

Mom and the Girls Mom Warned Us About

I've been doing a little surfing. Catching up on world events without having to depress myself by reading the newspaper. These are interesting times.

First an absolutely perfect Mother's Day cartoon. My Mom never reads this so the fact that I'm posting this late won't matter. She'll likely read it around Christmas.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom. Thanks to the blogger I stole this from too.

As for world events, I don't like thinking about economics or war or depressing things like that so I figured I'd catch up with celebs. What's happening with the hottest gals of our time. If you had to choose three, (and this is just public opinion, not mine), I think probably Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan are the cheerleaders in the minds of most horny guys chanting "Two, four, six, eight - look at us and masterbate."

We all know by now that Paris is gonna spend 45 days giving guards and inmates a taste of why Hilton is "so nice to come home to." Poor girl. No, I'm serious! What did she do, drive drunk and without a license 3, 4, 10 times? Well how can she be expected to know what life is like in the real world. She thought those laws were for REGULAR people.

The pic to the right reminds me of a recent Simpsons episode in which Homer is taking sleeping pills and they cause really destructive behaviour in him. Lisa says the drugs are dangerous and Homer says, "No Lisa I'm taking drugs not DRUUUUUUUGGGSSS." Okay, I think laws against marijuana are stupid. So many people are doped up on legal drugs to make them sleep, keep them awake, make them happy, make them sad, let's face it if there is the slightest thing wrong there's a drug for it. And if you looked at the effects of most drugs prescribed for psychological problems, you'd think the prescribers were pushers, not doctors. I guess that's the point. Why let regular people get rich selling druuuuuugggsss when the medical industry can get even richer selling drugs that look nicer but are more dangerous. Anyway, right or wrong there are laws and evidently Paris doesn't think THOSE laws apply to her either. But what the hay, way to go Paris! Fight the power.

Paris loves being dirty on camera. There is 24/7 videotaped surveillance at every jail and prison I know of. What do you wanna bet a few tapes go missing from her prison? There are some prison guards saying !!CHACHING!! right now. Keep a close watch on Youtube.

And Lindsay is power partying all night then calling in sick to work. Ever done that? No, neither have I. She has decided, (bless her heart), that the world needs to see more of her. So she's a stripper in her next movie. The plot of the movie is about a... yeah, right! Like ANYONE cares.

There isn't much more we can see of Lindsay, but I applaud her efforts nonetheless.

And last but not least, Britney. Take a look at this pic. It's probably too small for you to read the writing but it's on her official website if you wanna check. It's just a pic to thank all the fans who have been praying for her. So you're a good Christian until what, you show nipple?

I just wanna know for future reference. This might get my ass back in a pew I'll tell you hwat! Nice wig eh? heh heh.

These are the three hottest girls in the world? Back in my glory days of pin-ups, posters and celebrity babe worship they woulda been too sleazy for me. If I were a teenager now I think I might have a wall full of Jessica Alba or Scarlett Joahansson. I don't think you can do much better than that. But whatever floats your boat I guess.

There. Now FOR SURE I'll get more people to read my blog.

Grumpy Old Man in Training

I feel like a bit of a jerk right now. But on the other hand I feel pretty good. The kind of good feeling you get when you are warming your hands in the nice, warm embers of a burning bridge. You know what I'm talking about? Let me splain.

Last year I was contacted to work a really lucrative camp and couldn't do so because I worked at Beelzebub College and they wouldn't give permission. The girl I dealt with seemed fairly nice though. We talked on the phone and chatted online about the camp. She actually sent me an email and invited me to be a teacher at the same camp this summer. With the invitation she also sent this website: http://www.weepigeonlifecoaching.com/
and a request that I send it to all my friends and contacts. I sent a response today. You have to read some of the website to understand my reply. Don't read too much or your brain might turn to sugar.

Earlier in the day I received an email from a friend inviting me to talk to him on a new site called Quetchup or some damn thing. In order to do that I had to join the site and while filling out the info on the form, Quetchup tried to take all the names from my yahoo address book. Well needless to say that attempt was blocked by my computer but it still pissed me off. I guess poor Linda Lafferty got the brunt of my ire. I returned her email refusing to forward her address to my friends. This is what I wrote verbatum but with a few emoticons missing:

Wow! I'm sorry, but I can't forward this site to any of my friends and am really disappointed that you asked me to do so. I am going to try to explain to you why, and be forewarned, coming from a person who believes people need honesty, sometimes BRUTAL honesty, more than soothing, positive psychological platitudes, this may harsh your mellow a bit.
Most of my friends are not intellectual infants who fall for psychobabble like, "There are no successes or failures. Only results of actions." I think any of my friends could reason that if I kicked the ball towards the goal and it went 10 feet wide, yes the miss was a result of the kick, but it was VERY obviously a failure. Failure and success ARE results of actions. To say anything like the above quote to most of my friends would be an affront to their intellects. Trying to ease somebody's pain through semantics requires that the suffering person be very suggestable. Most of my friends don't qualify.
And if there are any people on my friends list that I have overestimated and who would be fooled by cereal box psychology, they certainly won't be very receptive to this approach. Why do you think people hate Jehovah's Witnesses or Mormons? It's not their theology so much. It's the in your face, magnanimous approach. Even though they might be genuinely just trying to help, it looks an awful lot like, "If you listen to what I have to say, you too can be as cool as me!" YOUR approach is even worse! It's the same only at the cost of 60 bucks an hour! At least.
A coach is someone who spends a LOT of time with his/her sport. They study the game and look at it in ways that others may not. They are masters of their sports. To call yourself a lifecoach is to say you are a master of life. Do you not see how arrogant and presumptuous this is? You are young so you haven't spent more time with life than I, or most of my friends have, so what you are effectively saying is that you have discovered things about life that we haven't and your acquisition of wisdom has been more efficient than ours. You're just saying it in words that go nicely together.
There are a lot of very suggestible people in Korea who have not been exposed to the landslides of psychology that we in the "west" have. They are also so overinstitutionalized that they have a deficiency in social training, which has kept them from developing a healthy skepticism. This is a paradise for a racket like yours. And until they are scammed a few times, Koreans probably won't learn. So it may be good for them, but I don't wish you any success and I certainly won't refer any of my friends to you. Find your own victims and keep pumping your own mind full of hyperpositive cliches so that you can live with what you are doing.

Now, don't take this too personally, Linda. You require your clients to be forthcoming. That's all I was attempting with this email. I am trying to convey my honest feelings. I don't dislike you or anything. I just don't agree with your business. This was not a failure. It was just a reaction to an action. What you have to do is find a way to recover positivity. Life is indeed an adventure! And what adventure is without its setbacks? The longest journey starts with a single step. Consider this a stutter-step. The dream is still yours to achieve!

That'll be 60 dollars please.


I dunno, do you think I was too hard on her? I suppose I won't be invited to teach at that camp. But if she lives according to her website, maybe she WILL invite me. She should be thrilled with my honesty and happy to have such a well adjusted person working with the kids. Yeah, right! And her "lifecoach training" is for real too. And those awesome testimonials on the website were written by real people too. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oigu. Think I'll go icefishing with the putz next door.

Sand and Nuts

Well, no rugby pics. It rained yesterday. I like PLAYING rugby in the rain but not watching. But that rain was a good thing. It washes all the Chinese sand out of the air. Today is nice and clear. Actually last night was clear too so I went for a soggy jog. I swear to God I could feel the difference in the air.

For those of you who think the yellow sand is just a wivestale, there is actually a yellow sand level graph kept daily on the website www.usfk.mil Not that the US military doesn't support wivestales wholeheartedly like the one about the Iraq war being about freedom or womd's or anything but oil, but... I still believe in the sand.

And here's a pic taken from the window of one of my classrooms at HUFS. That ain't smog, it's sand that's obscuring the mountains in the distance. And they're not THAT far in the distance.

It's not the sand that is so bad. I don't think it would hurt just breathing in sand. Heck, Jesper Parnevik, (a pro golfer), EATS sand all the time. But since China has become the "next superpower" economically, EVERYBODY in China is buying cars with their new riches. And the pollution is stifling. Worse than traditional front running Bangkok, Thailand, or so I've heard from friends who've been to major Chinese cities recently. It's hard to imagine worse than Bangkok as far as smog.

Anyway, the sand mixes with that toxic poison before it arrives in Korea and is inhaled by me. So I've had what I believe has been more of an infection than a cold for a couple months. And, (yes, Heather), I'm blaming it on China. But I'm finally getting over it. I STILL hack up sand in the morning and I can't sleep too well but I've got enough energy to exercise again and keep my house clean. I haven't been answering emails or keeping up with my work either. I did some marking yesterday that I should have done two months ago. As my blog will attest, I've been going out drinking with friends over the past couple months. This has been therapeutic, infection-killing drinking, don't you know.

Korea has been planting trees in China to help block the sand but if you know anything at all about the Chinese, they'll just fatten them up and cut them down for lumber. Don't think this is in any way racist because it was a Chinese guy who told me this: "Here's the difference between Canada and China: you have 100 trees with two people competing for logging rights. In China we have two trees and 100 people competing for logging rights."

I asked him if he didn't see WHY that might be the case from what he had just told me. NO IDEA!! I explained to him that the 2 Canadians would cut down maybe 50 of the trees then plant 200 more. The 100 Chinese people should be looking elsewhere to make their fortunes. Leave the trees alone if there are only 2 left for God's sake! Should be obvious, shouldn't it?

I wonder if the trees the Koreans are planting are pine trees. I wonder this because I also read an article written by a North Korean who had defected to South Korea. He was writing about the pine nut "harvest" in N. Korea. He wrote about how people, crazed by the money available from the sale of pine nuts to the Chinese, were cutting down trees to get the pine cones. He wrote about how he started collecting pine nuts by climbing the trees and shaking them off the branches. But he could see how easily other people were making their money by simply chopping the trees down so he said he ended up doing it too.

The pine nuts are inside the pine cones and are quite expensive due to their nutritiousness, (hightest protein of any nut or seed), and the hard labour through which they are acquired. It seems like almost everything nutritious is expensive doesn't it? Anyway, a lot of the pine nuts exported from China are collected by poor North Koreans and Russians. The ones collected in China are collected by poor Chinese. They get paid almost nothing for their work because, hey this is China we're talking about here, but if they cut the trees down they can get many more nuts with far less effort. The end result is more money. STILL not enought to be considered slave wages, but more than they're used to getting. And economically, it's not a bad thing either. There won't be so many pine trees left since A) they're killing them, and B) the pine nuts are the seeds that aren't being planted to make more trees. So every year, due to the laws of supply and demand, pine nuts will get more expensive, the pine nut barons of China will get richer, buy more cars and make the air dirtier, AANNDD, there will be more, and more dangerous yellow sand here in Korea.

So I'm not eating another pine nut, dammit. I'm done with pine nuts. No more! I just thank God the Chinese aren't chopping down pistachio trees!

I wanna go to camp

http://s146.photobucket.com/albums/r248/davoid13/?action=view&current=MVI_2264.flv

The above is a video I just found from a couple years ago. My friend Guns filmed it. It's from a summer camp I did way down in Naju City where all the good pears come from. I was looking through camp pics I've piled up over the years to help out a couple Canadians who are thinking of coming to Korea and doing some camps this summer. They just wanted to see what it was like. Don't worry, I didn't send them this clip.

I got to looking at all these pics and vids and, (God help me!), I almost wished I could do a camp right now. It's a heck of a lot of work but it's a TON of fun! The little teacher swim was during the only 20 minute break during the day time we had for the whole two weeks we were there! Well, I'm exaggerating, but not that much. As you can see they had some pretty strict standards on teachers' attire at the Naju camp too.

I tell you what, if I were a Korean kid I would want to go to the camps I was working at. Even though we acquiesced to the parents sadistic wishes to do classroom English lessons in the mornings, we sure ran those kids ragged making up for all the fun they DIDN'T have during the rest of the year. Ran ourselves a little ragged too as you can tell by the "Kasiawhew" pic. to the right. Heh heh. I love that pic. It sums up the camp so nicely.

I don't know why I'm posting this. Spring fever maybe. Not that I EVER look forward to summer, but I sure DO like the camps. I think it might be because Guns called me today from Vancouver and told me that the Naju camp will be contracted out to Chonnam University this year. Unless I volunteer to be the camp planner, that is. I said no. Teaching is enough excitement for me, thank you. But I really like those kids. The more I look at these pics the more I think I SHOULD just plan the whole camp for them. I know I could do it. The two Canadians I was showing the photos to would work the camp I'm pretty sure. So I'd only have to find a couple more teachers. And with a fool proof schedule and a good camp location things would be pretty smooth. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Oigooo! Like that has EVER happened at one of these English camps.

But things always worked out. And after a day of high-stress kid herding, shuffling, dipping, diving, spinning, and pulling last-minute activity and lesson ideas out of our asses, we always had a couple hours after the kids were fed, drugged, soundly whooped and put to bed, to center our souls with beer, smokes and yoga. Guns is the guy on top. He took the kids on their morning hike around the rice fields and his band rocked the place on the last day of camp. He's the lead singer. Ji is our instructor at the bottom. She did yoga while Guns' crew was hiking in the morning. Because of them us teachers got to sleep one hour more than the students each morning. That was awesome! I always forget the other guy's name. Lots of the female campers had crushes on him though. Ah summer love...

Man we had fun! But, I guess I can't live in the past. Two years can change a lot! Two of the four people in this yoga pic. will be in Canada this summer. And one of them won't be the Canadian either. Two Koreans for one Canadian? Is that the going rate? I'm not sure if that's fair market value for a valuable commodity like me or not. Oh well, they might sneak the third guy into Vancouver too. Hee hee. I better stop before I do something foolish like make a long distance call to Canada and tell Guns I'll do the camp.

I might have some rugby pics in the next post. Saturday some of the teachers I work with will be playing and some of us will be cheering. Then we'll all be doing some drinking afterwards. Should be fun.

Gwangju Trip

Well it was a good weekend and LONG! I finished marking my midterm exams and hightailed it off to Seoul to start my 5 days of babes, baseball buddies and beer. Kasia will never read this.

I went to pool night wednesday and helped Woodstock win, (just barely), 8-7. Then I helped Woodstock celebrate afterwards. Mi Jeong, Hee Jeong and Mr. Woo were all there. Here's a good pic of MJ Woo and me. Kasia will never read this.

Then I decided to go to Gwangju to visit some friends and watch some baseball. The Kia Tigers had a three game set with the Hanhwa Eagles friday, saturday and sunday. I caught the first game with Kasia and Laurie. WHAT A GAME! Kia was losing till the 8th inning then, BAM! Hong Sae Weon 3-run homer for the win 5-4. Kasia's never gonna read this.

After a huge lunch buffet at VIPS with my good friend Sam Shik, (no pic), next night I went with Min Ha and Min Ah to ball game number 2. They're a cute couple eh? Swordfighting with cocktail swords. Me and MH were looking nervous there because game two was just as tense as game one. The scoring was back and forth. But Kia pulled off another win. This time 5-3. After the game we went out for some wine and cheese. It was expensive but really nice. Perfect post game refreshment eh? Awesome buffet for lunch. Fried chicken at the game then wine and cheese afterwards. No wonder my gut is bustin its way outta my trusty Kia jersey. Kasia will never read this.

So after all that nice eating we decided to go to Maria's house and visit the girls. Maria had Kasia, and Laurie over for a ladies night. Guess what they were drinking. Wine! So we got another bottle and since Maria was out of wine glasses I bought a bathroom toothbrush cup to drink the wine with. All class. Kasia will never read this.

No sooner did we get in the door than we got attacked by estrogen loopy girls armed with mud. So everybody got facials. Yessiree. That'll probly never happen to me again. Notice the little white bathroom cup. Perfect for wine. Kasia will never read this.

So we went from baseball to wine and cheese to facials. What could possibly be next? I guess the night was getting too feminine for me or something. I had to do something manly. So we had a bit of a pillow fight. Actually it was more like pile pillows on Kasia. But it's okay cuz she's never going to read this.

All in all it was a pretty darn good weekend. It was a bit of a downer that I didn't get the full benefit of all that food on Saturday, (and the 45 dollar wine, (I'm sorry, Maria)), AND I left all my toiletries in the bathroom at the motel so had to buy new shaving stuff, deodorant, toothbrush, comb etc. in Eui Jung Boo at the black market before I made it home. Kasia is never going to read this.

Shout out to Maria. Happy 40th! The lovely white cup I was drinking wine from? Birthday gift. Like I said, I'm all class. And Kasia is never going to read this.

This is what I do when I stay home

Since I have been out for the last 4 weekends in a row and since I showed you what it is that I do when I'm not at home, I figured I'd show you a little bit of what goes on here in thrill-a-minute Yangju, Korea. When I'm not watching TV shows I download or pirated movies I buy at Yong San Electronics market I just surf the net, read, think and occasionally mark papers and plan lessons. Mostly everything BUT the last ones.

And once in a while I write here to vent my pointless rage. Today's topic will be one I've touched on briefly before but in keeping with the latest vein of this blog... I got pics!

Last year in Thailand I purchased a few golf shirts. They were so ridiculously cheap and golfing in Thailand was so ridiculously sweaty, I had to buy like about 6. I bought Ping, Taylor Made and Titleist. Nice golf shirts for about 5 bucks apiece. If I remember correctly.

Recently on one of my frequent subway journeys to Seoul I saw a subway salesman hawking headbands and wristbands with NBA logos on them. The funny thing was the package had the NFL logo on it. Since it was so funny, (and since 2 wristbands and 2 headbands were a buck), I bought three packs.

See the NFL label on the NBA gear? Hee hee hee. Don't I look like I could keep the key clear? I'll Danny Ainge your ass you step up into MY house!

Anyways, it's hard for me to get mad at obvious copywright infringement like this because it's often funny, (some of the grammar mistakes are hilarious), and I figure if you are vain, ignorant and brainwashed enough to believe a Ralph Lauren Polo shirt is worth 200 dollars then you DESERVE to be fleeced. A guy sees a customer who is not so smart and has lots of disposable cash and caters to him/her. The Emperor's New Clothes. They are almost heroes. Almost.

Unfortunately, I been to some of the places where they make this knockoff crap and the people who do all the work sewing, bagging, stapling, shipping etc. are making next to nothing. Slave wages is NOT an overstatement. The people who buy 100 golf shirts for 5 bucks each, bring them back to Korea in their luggage, claim they are originals then sell them for 50 bucks each, THOSE are the creeps who are making the profit. And it's not heroic. Although in Korea if you can afford to golf, and need name brand golf shirts to do it in, well maybe you might fall into the not so smart with disposable income category. Golfing is about 200 bucks a round on average here in Korea. And it's like that to keep the riff raff like us off the course. So sure, sell those jerks phony shirts. Make money off their superiority complexes. While you're in Thailand mail another thousand shirts back to Korea and make 50,000. That'll cover your costs, wages and you get a nice trip to Thailand out of it. But the Thai workers really should be paid more.

Anyway, that's not the pointless rage. My pointless rage will be directed toward the Koreans who brought back the headbands and wristbands. And the Chinese businessmen they deal with.

Look at this label for the love of GOD! Do you suppose they got the "expressed written consent" of all the sports leagues to use their logos? No bar code. Interesting. And Made in Korea my ass! You can't make this kind of stuff and sell it for a buck in Korea. Workers here are too expensive. These were made in China. Sold to a scumbag Korean businessman by an even bigger scumbag Chinese businessman. And the price, ($1), is more than the workers will make for a 12 hour shift. And they'll think they're lucky to be working.

Somebody went to America and bought a pair of socks or something that was made by For Bare Feet just so they could copy the label and use the good name for their product. If you look closely you'll see the signiture grammar mistakes that are included on most bad Chinese knockoffs that make them so funny. These are being sold for a dollar, (for a profit!), only because they're bad knockoffs. What would they sell the GOOD knockoffs for?

One of the guys at work told me he bought a Gucci or Chanel or whatever tie for 50 bucks. Another teacher told him that there hasn't been a genuine piece of that kind of clothing in Korea for a couple of years. Imagine how he felt.

I looked at that For Bare Feet website, THAT IS ON THE LABEL OF THE WRIST/HEADBANDS, and went to the history section. I suddenly felt worse about buying them. Some people worked very hard to establish that company.

Then I thought about my last year of work in Korea. I was working for one of these scumbags who make lots of money using the good names people have worked very hard to acquire to sell watered down, cheap, immitation shit to their unsuspecting customers. My degree took a lot of hard work to earn. I have worked for several years honing my teaching skills. The owner of Seojeong College used my sweat and suffering as selling points for his "college" where he just gives away phony diplomas. And he's gotten filthy rich doing so. The program almost doubled this year.

Not only that but if I ever let people know I worked for that shit college whose business is academic fraud I could be turned down for, or even LOSE a job. Likewise when people wear the knockoff sweatbands and they fall apart at halftime of their first basketball game, the people might not want to buy anything else from For Bare Feet again.

But if you close down the whole business then the Chinese workers who made the sweatbands will be the ones to suffer most. Their jobs were crap but better than nothing. And you can't tell the businessmen to pay the workers more. That's the government's job and they're just happy to see all the income the company is providing for the country.

So what do we do? Eat the rich. Not the rich who earned their money. They don't have enough fat and their meat isn't soft and juicy. The people who have taken the fat of the land off the workers and packed it onto their own self-important, priveleged bodies because of their lofty senses of entitlement. MMmmmmmmm sounds delicious doesn't it? Maybe I'll write a cookbook.

Cho Seung Hui

Cho Seung Hui is big news around Korea right now. He’s big news all over. Three things now instead of two that Korea is known for: the war, the ’88 Olympics and the Virginia Tech. Killer. I have no doubt there are plenty of people around here who actually have a little bit of pride that Korea is getting so much world attention. But the pride is mixed with embarrassment that a Korean did such a thing, a healthy dose of shame that comes from their idea that Koreans are all brothers and sisters and it was their “brother” who committed this atrocity, and fear that other Koreans, especially those in the U.S. will be judged based on his actions.
I saw on the Korean news an interview with a Korean chick going to University in America, (not Virginia Tech.), and she was saying how her parents called from Korea and told her she had to quit and come home in case the Americans decided to take revenge. Ridiculous!
However, I got to talking a bit at work with a couple teachers and some Koreans about the whole deal and a T.A. nicknamed Rita, (she’s Korean), brought up an event that happened here in Korea five years ago. Some American soldiers ran over a couple Korean schoolgirls with a tank in Eui Jung Boo. After the U.S. made an apology Koreans were demanding that the two tank pilots be tried in Korean courts and calling it intentional and Korean people were just freely hating other people for the tragedy. The thing is they were racially generous with their hatred. They were hating all Americans and all people who just might be Americans.
I live just down the road from Eui Jung Boo and let me tell you the people there are STILL pissed off at ALL non-Koreans about that. I swear to God the second you cross the border between Yang Ju, where I live, and Eui Jung Boo the asshole meter jumps off the charts. On the rare occasion I go to Eui Jung Boo I ALWAYS have trouble with people. I think they are still avenging the tank tragedy. I told this to Rita and she agreed.
I haven’t had too many run-ins with racism here in Yang Ju. I like it. It’s boring but the people are nice. I DO get the occasional group of kids one of which is trying to impress the others by making the joke that just never gets old here in Korea, saying “hello” to the foreigner and then laughing uproariously when the foreigner politely replies. It’s like tapping on a fish tank and watching the fish speed up for half a second or leaning out a car window and yelling “MOOOOOO” as you go by a field full of cows. Just trying to get an interesting reaction out of a foreign species. And that’s how people from other countries are regarded here in Korea whether secretly or even consciously. This, as I see it, is the lesson to be learned here in Korea from the Cho tragedy.
Now, I know the U.S. of A. isn’t completely free from racism but I have no doubt that Koreans will be treated no differently by Americans because of this incident. Yet the immediate reaction of so many Koreans was WE are so ashamed that one of US did that! WE sure hope that THEY don’t make things difficult for the rest of US.
The average Korean is very similar to other Koreans. Frighteningly so to people like me who come from cultures in which uniqueness is valued and encouraged. Koreans more than any other people are always making VERY sweeping statements about Koreans. And from my experience, and everyone else who’s been here for a while, sweeping statements about Koreans are almost always much more accurate than they would be for most other countries. You can say very accurately something like “Koreans like kimchi.” Or “Koreans work long hours.”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked by my Korean students if Canadians do this or do that. So many times that in the interest of brevity I’m beginning to just say yeah we do or no we don’t rather than give the whole politically correct answer and mention how everyone is an individual etc. etc. But recent events have made me start questioning ever giving the simple answers to these questions. Because Koreans NEED to know about idividuality and how differences are okay within the same race. They could also use some training on how to see people rather than race.
I’ve been saying for years that because Korea is still technically at war they haven’t been able to start “educating” here yet, they are still “training.” This is one of the end results. They tend to think like a soldier thinks. Soldiers are trained to do what they’re told. They would give their lives for a member of their unit or corps or whatever. A member they don’t even know! They love their fellow soldiers like they love their family members. Koreans are trained to think of other Koreans like this.
I cheer for Canadian athletes in the Olympics. I sing along with my national anthem at hockey games. I support Canada and Canadians in lots of ways just because it’s my country and they are my countrymen. And women. But where does a healthy patriotism turn into unhealthy racism? I would suggest that Koreans cross that point. Most of them anyway, excuse the sweeping statement.
The reaction to the Cho incident has brought this to the fore. And other recent news reflects Korean xenophobia too. It’s hard to say who their favourite target for it is, the U.S. or Japan. But it bothers me reading about Koreans waiting for the Japanese to apologize for wartime mistreatment. I think almost everybody, including me, would like to see all the old surviving soldiers from Japan come to Korea and apologize to the old surviving Korean women who were “comfort women” during Japanese occupation. THAT would have some significance. But getting people who were uninvolved to apologize to people who were uninvolved seems a little too much like “We are all Korean and we hate all of you because you are Japanese so we want you prostrate and humbled before us.” And maybe the Japanese are smart not giving too heartfelt an apology because I don't doubt the Korean reaction would not be satisfaction, rather they would start asking for more revenge like they did in the Eui Jung Boo tank incident. In fact they already HAVE received an apology from Japan AND they have received some reparations in the form of money. If Japan admitted to wrongdoing it might just encourage Koreans to demand mass executions or secessions from land or waters or whatever. And who knows where it would end?
In the coming weeks I sure hope Koreans can see the reaction of Americans, or lack thereof, toward the Koreans in America. I hope they can use it as an ideal for their people to strive for. Because I’ll tell you what, if a Canadian shot up some students at a Korean university I think I’d be getting the hell out of here. Or at least taking my Canadian flag off my backpack for a while.

Some I Tai Won Folks

I post a lot about going to I Tae Won and having fun with folks there but haven't had the foresight to bring a camera and take pics until now. Actually on my birthday I took my cam to get pics of Lance, Meagan, and some of the crew at Stompers, (Dwayne's bar), but as soon as I aimed and pressed the button for my first pic my battery died. So it'll be a little while before I can put pics of them here. However, I went to I Tae Won last night, (Tuesday), to shoot some pool with Mr. Woo and Me Jeong and to pay my tab at Debut. I think I got some good shots of everybody. Except Mr. Woo. Hee hee hee. He doesn't normally look like this. I'll convince him to let me win a few games of pool in exchange for removing this pic from this site.

He's the best pool player I've ever known. Me Jeong, on the other hand, (the WAY other hand), is not known for her pool playing. She's my favourite waitress at Woodstock, (Mr. Woo's bar). She's also one of them models you see posing beside hot cars. I gave her a nickname, "Astrogirl" because she has HUGE, cute eyes like Astroboy. But she doesn't want anyone to hear that nickname. So I'll remove that information from this site if she ever beats me at pool. She almost beat me one time when she was doing sexy poses to distract me while I shot. She's a babe eh? I don't know this other dude. But I took a ton of his money playing Texas hold em with a 500 won minimum bet. But I used the money to buy rounds of shots. So really Mr. Woo won the card playing since most of the money ended up in his till. But I was on fire last night. I am just very lucky at gambling. You know what they say about being unlucky in love and lucky at cards. It's true for me. It probly helped that I was sporting my gambling shirt too.

So after cards and pool at Woodstock I made my way half way up The Hill to Debut. Debut is owned by Polly. She has a few bars I think. Probly a gozillionaire. I just like her. She's super nice. And her rubber gloves are nice too. Heh heh. And my musical soulmate Ha Young was in fine form last night. I think we look good together. She looks amazing in these pictures. Another babe. My future ex-wife. She played good tunes as usual too. I had a few caucasians with Polly and Ha Young and caught the 6 AM subway back home. I got up at the crack of noon, listened to some hockey on nhl.com and wrote this. That is what I do and who I do it with. Well NOT who I "do it" with, although hope springs eternal, but you know what I mean. Geez I look 40 in that hug picture don't I? Beauty and the beast.

Just in case you're wondering, I've taken thousands of pics of Koreans and in more than half of them the people are giving the peace sign. Two fingers. I got into the habit of holding up three fingers just to be different. Or as Koreans would say, "wonkda". I'll try to post more pics. So that'll give me an excuse to go to I Tae Won. Gotta get pics for my blog. Anyway, see you later. Don't forget to post comments. A comment always makes my day.

40

Let's see now, headache - check, empty wallet - check, ringing in ears from loud music - check, girl in bed - dammit, no check. But I DO have a new number on my phone. My music soulmate Ha Young plugged her name into my phone. She also made me a little birthday cake by stacking up five or six Choco Pies and putting 4 long candles in the top one. She's awesome.

So long story short, I had a good 40th birthday. I didn't feel 40 last night. Although I kinda do today. Lance and the band were great as usual. I got my share of birthday drinks. Saw a lot of friends and still managed to make it home from I Tae Won at about 7 AM. All in all a good night. Although I did run out of cash at one point and there were NO bank machines open. Me and Ha Young checked all over the place. But I ended up running up a tab at Debut, the bar where she spins the discs. I wonder how much THAT'll cost me next time I visit. I tend to buy lotsa drinks when I don't see the money changing hands. That's why I have lived for 40 years without a credit card. Don't trust myself with one. I actually remember ringing the bell at Debut last night too. Hmmmmm. Oh well, you only turn 40 once, right? So I'm still on the YOUNG and FOOLISH side of 40. Thank God. I gotta go nurse a hangover and a cold. Think I'll order pizza. See you next time.

Black Day

Today is technically the last day of my thirties. It's April 14th here in Korea, which is what they call "Black Day". Feb. 14th is when girls give guys chocolate; March 14 is "White Day" when guys give girls candy and today is the day when all the losers who got no candy or chocolate mourn by eating black noodles or "jajang myun". It's a black day alright. Lincoln was shot on April 14th. The Titanic sunk mostly on April 14th. The Donner Party set out on their gastronomically significant voyage from Illinois to California. Much of the U.S. and Canada's prime prairie soil was blown away during the Dust Bowl during which the worst day was "Black Sunday", April 14th, 1935. This was what caused a lot of people to "go west, young man." One of Apollo 13's oxygen tanks exploded killing the mission and almost the crew. And I was born.

Since I was born in Canada and it's still April 13th there, I'm STILL not 40 years old. But in a matter of hours I will most likely be better than half way through my life. And that's if I make it to 80. And who really wants to make it to 80? Not this ranchero. I don't want to lose all my teeth; fall and break a hip; eat more medicine than food; stop drinking; be so blind I can't drive; use a walker; start forgetting who people are; blend steak before I can eat it; wear diapers again; or see the day when "The Captain" becomes just a private again. If you know what I'm saying.

It's not every day a guy turns 40. So what should I do to celebrate this auspicious occasion? All the things an octogenarian can't do of course! I should go out, eat a great steak dinner, (maybe a ribeye at 3 Alley Pub), listen to some REALLY loud L.R.D. music, (they're playing again tonight at Stompers), dance a little, drink a lot and maybe get my thirty-something year old ass laid.

What do I want to do? I want to stay home, drink a few glasses of wine, have a cigar, watch a movie or three, maybe stay up late and watch golf on TV and if I'm really lucky, chat with a family member online at 3 AM. I guess that's what happens when you're getting old.

I gotta say, though, I have a cold. I'm not really sure it's a cold. It has all the symptoms of a cold but I usually get the sniffles and a cough and a nice little ear/chest infection during this time of year in Korea because the Chinese sand is in the air. Not quite as bad as the dustbowl pic but I sure notice it and it's irritating. So I've been feeling like crap lately.

Still, is this a good excuse to stay home on my 40th? Foregoing all my birthday freebies and maybe even a birthday lay? I am in a quandry. In about 7 hours L.R.D. begins to play. That is how long I have to decide what to do. I'll let you know in my next entry.

Happy birthday to me.

Kisses for my students

Well, new year, new job. That seems to be the way things go for me in Korea. I'm getting settled in here at Hankuk University of Foreign Studies and I don't wanna jinx anything but I'm liking it. So far. I liked working at Chonnam U. too. For three months I was deleriously happy there. Then they changed everything and screwed it up. Teachers quit in droves. It was ugly. I hope nothing like that happens here.

Anyhoo, as you can see from the pics HUFS is under some heavy duty construction. The building on the right is where the foreign teachers' office is. It's gonna be 14 floors when it's finished we think. The building, not our office. Although a 14 story office would be cool. The crosswalk is an interesting feature too. Traffic stops in all directions till everybody gets where their going straight across OR diagonally. It must frustrate the impatient Korean motorist no end. As Martin Muntz might say, HAH HAH!

The students we have at HUFS have really impressed me so far. I guess it's not so hard for a student to impress me after having spent the last year at Seojeong College. If the HUFS students are the cream of the crop, Seojeong's students are that scum you skim off the top of the milk with cow hair, dirt, crusty crud etc in it. Academically, that is. They were nice and all but low watt bulbs for the most part.

As the name of the school might suggest, (although it's not a good practice to assume anything logical in Korea), the students at HUFS are all studying foreign countries. A lot of them are learning foreign languages. I've talked to some who have had tests in 4 or 5 languages. Impressive. I have a TON of students who have lived overseas and not just for a month or so. And some have lived in countries you might not expect like Somalia, Philippines, Iraq, India, Greece etc. So they're a worldly group. Probably more free-thinking, open-minded, tolerant, globally-inclined etc. than the average Korean.

So I says to myself, "Self, you have a great opportunity to test that Hershey's Kiss in a jar experiment. The one that the teacher in the States did with her middle school students and found that the kids selfishly hoarded the Kisses like good little capitalists." So I did the experiment last week.

I filled a spaghetti jar with 40 Kisses, lined up 10 desks at the front of the room facing the other students, asked for 10 volunteers and told them to take as many Kisses as they wanted, pass the jar and after person #10 finished, whatever was left in the jar would be doubled and we'd start again. Now, using HUFS students, positioning them so that any greed would be perpetrated in full view of the other students, using only volunteers, all of these things were done in hopes that the kids would be nice. And with the exception of one class, they were. The sharing and teamwork were socially conscious aspects that were VERY nice to see! I was really proud of my students. And even the classes that had a student or two who wanted to get his/hers while the getting was good ended up nowhere near as disgustingly uneven as the REAL world is.

Imagine the 10 people are all the people in the world. Imagine the Kisses are all the world's resources. According to what is considered perhaps the most in depth study of world economics, the top 10% or 1 person has 85% of the world's wealth or 34 kisses. What kind of scumbag would take 34 of the kisses in the jar? The kind that could be C.E.O. of a major multinational corporation, that's what kind of scumbag. On the other end of the scale, the bottom 50% or 5 people have only 1% of the world's wealth or 0.4 kisses to divide between them. THAT'S poverty folks and it was created by unchecked greed. Nothing else.

So rather than vent my pointless rage without suggesting a solution, I divided my classes into groups and got them to come up with some ideas on how to help the poor. There were a lot of Robin Hood responses like taxing the rich, making all rich people sponsor a poor kid, making the rich build schools for the poor etc, but one of the kids had the greatest idea I've ever heard. He suggested that everyone in the world should be poor for a year. Simple as it gets but it would work. I am still fantasizing about a shanty town where Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, the whole WalMart Walton family (not Johnboy or Mary Ellen), George Dubyuh (a reverse Robin Hood if there ever was one), and other people with more money than any one person should ever have are bumming around dressed in dirty rags begging for a buck or a crust of bread. OOoooooohhhhhh GOOOOOOooood yeeeeaaah! That would be so sweet! As Martin Muntz might say, "HAH HAH!"

Anyway, the following are the stats from the experiment. These are the results that regular people all over the world would probably get. It's just too bad regular people don't rule the world.

Class one had 11 Kisses left at the end. The 2nd time around they had 18 left.

Class two had the student who got the most Kisses. But he was nice enough to be the first volunteer so maybe he deserved them. He took 25, not 34. And he shared them afterwards like Ted Turner giving a bill to the UN. 1-25, 2-6, 3-5, 4-3, 5-3, 6-2, 7-2, 8-1, 9-0, 10-1.

Class three 1-3, 2-4, 3-6, 4-2, 5-4, 6-1, 7-3, 8-3, 9-6, 10-10.

Class four 1-2, 2-2, 3-3, 4-2, 5-4, 6-13, 7-5, 8-3, 9-2, 10-1.

Class five I was running out of Kisses so I only used 20 in the jar. 1-1, 2-3, 3-1, 4-7, 5-1, 6-2, 7-2, 8-0, 9-2, 10-3.

Class six 1-2, 2-1, 3-7, 4-4, 5-2, 6-3, 7-3, 8-3, 9-2, 10-13.

By the way, if you would like to see these wonderful human beings, check out my work blog at http://professordavidathufs.blogspot.com

See you later.

David O' Cannell's St. Patty's Weekend

I felt Irish last weekend. More Irish than the Irish people I know. But I feel kind of Irish when I spend a few days in a row in I Tae Won. I don't usually smell like an Irish spring, but I see lots of pink hearts on the hill, yellow moons when juicy girls pull their pants down, orange stars in the sky when the Chinese sands are in the air, beige clover when Gunther pours a Guinness, and purple diamonds, which are really amethyst that Koreans are always trying to convince people is worth something. I almost always spend a pot of gold and once in a long time, I'll catch a glimpse of a leprechaun too.

I started March 17th at Ye Olde Stompers at the top of the I Tae Won hill cuz Lance was playing and Dwayne, the owner of Stompers, was drummin. They both get better every time I hear them. St. Patty's Day was the best yet. They even dedicated the best live version of Limelight by Rush I've ever heard to yours truly. That was awesome! At one point Lance, (the most amazing live guitarist you will ever hear for free), said his beer was empty so I purchased him a Crown and Coke. We had shared a few the evening before while paraphrasing another very handy Canadian guitarist, Kim Mitchell, and saying, "Might as well go for a Crown and Coke."

So I go up to the stage and wait there till the song's finished to give Lance a beverage with which to slake his well-earned thirst. He doesn't wait. He proceeds to lay down a ONE-HANDED, beverage-long, pretty damn hot guitar solo to whatever song it was he was playing. He DRANK the drink while playing the solo for the love of God! Kids, if I'm still bloggin when I'm an old man, I'll probly be spinning yarns about the days way back when I knew Lance and he wasn't famous.
That was a great start to the evening's festivities. So when Stompers closed down around 2 or 3, I just wasn't ready to turn in. So I went down the hill a bit with Allen. He was filling in at the bar for Dwayne while he was drummin. A decent fella even if he is from England. I jest. So we went in to Debut to pay a visit to my favourite serving wench Ha Young of the oversized rack. She hasn't yet realized that we are meant for each other. She is constantly playing the exact songs I want to hear. Musically we are soulmates.

Anyway, I started talking with a big English teacher from Michigan. He was telling me how he thought I was in the secret service or something. Then our conversation was joined by a tall, thin American soldier. He had the "Go kick some ass" speech from Henry V, (if you're not a total Phillistine, you'd recognize it if you heard it), the WHOLE, dang thing tattooed on his back. And he showed us. We bullshat for probably about an hour before introducing ourselves. Dave, Dave and Dave. I shit thee not! Tell me any other name THAT could happen with!

Debut closed down and Ha Young went, (not to say "sprinted"), home to bed. I'll see her after hours yet.... So Allen, a drunken Newfie he was talking to, and I went to the last place open, Old Town. There I was chatting up the lovely Russian waitress. I think her name is Ileana. She's my back-up plan if I ever give up on Ha Young. Ha ha. Before long I met this Japanese/Korean guy who was feeding me a cock and bull story about how rich he was and how he wanted me to teach him private lessons. He was pretty obviously a crook but I was so happy I didn't let it bother me. We closed down Old Town! That means EVERYTHING else is open again!

So Allen, the Japanese guy and I went to the Seoul Pub. When we got there, the owner told the Japanese dude he couldn't come in. What kind of a scumbag do you have to be to get banned from the Seoul Pub? Oh yeah, I was banned for life until recently. Heh heh. But all is forgiven. It was kinda nice NOT being the one watching the others drink through the doors. The owner, as usual, asked about Heather and Mike and their two kids. I corrected him and told him they now have 3. That's about all we had to say. So Allen and I chatted with a couple of hard working Russian gals. I think I promised to make them borsht some time. I had a chugging contest with the owner, lost, and finally decided to put an end to my own personal St. Patrick's Day parade. I guess it was nigh onto either lunch or supper time because I scarfed down some Macdonalds and went to sleep.

I woke up at about 7 Monday morning. I work at 1 on Mondays. I barely made it home then back to work and it wasn't my favourite day of work. But I made it through.

Whenever my students ask why I'm not married, I wish I could refer them to this. Or many similar stories I have. Oh I'm sure there'll come a day when I'll grow up, but not just yet. I had a blast! How Irish am I I mean really???!!! I think I'll change me name to David O' Cannell.

Best part is none of this was planned. It was totally spontaneous! I had gone to I Tae Won to buy a couple pairs of nice pants and this is what eventuated! I got two pairs of pants, two pairs of gotch and two pairs of socks that cut off the circulation to my feet, (like all socks I buy in this country). I'm not gonna tell you how much I spent over the three-day weekend but I'll just say those pants and undies are the most expensive I've ever owned. By a long shot. I'll probly end up chucking the socks in the garbage. Anybody with thin ankles want some socks?

See you next time.

Capitalist Body Snatchers

Do you ever feel like the whole world has gone stark raving mad? Or like the only person the body snatchers haven't caught sleeping yet? Have you ever had a really REALLY simple idea that would make things a whole lot easier for everybody but you are the only one who likes the idea? What did you do? Did you fight to get your point across? In the "body snatchers" analogy, you can fight to stay awake or you can just give up and drift off into easy, comfortable sleep.

Okay, details are needed to set up the object of this week's pointless rage. I play pogo games. A LOT! Go to www.pogo.com and have some fun if you don't know what I'm talking about. They have a ton of games and you can play them for free. I pay a yearly fee of 20 bucks and am a member. I don't get the ads. I've been a member for a few years. When you play the games you get tokens. You can't use your tokens for much but it's fun to collect them. You can design a "mini" which is a character and a background. You can make your mini look like you and put him/her in all kinds of locations and outfits. This costs tokens. Also, every week there are challenges in chosen games. If you complete the challenge, (like win 100 hands of poker or sell 50 properties in Dice City), you get a badge that you can display next to your name in pogo game rooms. It's fun to collect the badges too.

This week there was a badge in Bingo. The challenge was to score 3000 tokens. You get tokens for every number you cover and every bingo. Also there is a special number you can cover that will get you a jackpot spin. The jackpot spins in Bingo are usually less than 100 tokens. But if you get a bingo, it's 300 tokens. At least in the room I was in. I went to a room where we had to get a blackout for a bingo. I suggested that we wait for all the numbers to be called and then EVERYONE gets a bingo, a spin and all their numbers. MAXIMUM points for EVERYBODY!! Good idea, right? This way the badge would take MUCH less time.

Well my suggestion was met with hearty disapproval. In fact people were calling me names and criticizing me. They would much rather play more games, take longer to get the badge, not help each other out, and probably never get a bingo than do things the communal way. I think perhaps, "communal" might sound a little bit too much like "communist" for these people to see the logic of it.

If we had done things the right way, the badge would have been completed in less than 10 games. Since nobody liked the idea, I had to suffer through about 30 games. Bingo is one of my least favourite games on Pogo. But what is up with these people?! Are they afraid that helping each other might seem a little unAmerican? A majority of the people in the room were Americans. Before you think I'm reading too much into this little incident, I have a similar example.

I saw on American TV a story about an American teacher who did an experiment in her classes. Middle school classes. She divided her classes into groups of 10 or so and gave each group a jar of about 30 or 40 Hershey's Kisses. She gave the teams random numbers. The person with number one was allowed to take as many kisses as he/she wanted, then pass the jar to person number 2. That person could do the same thing and pass to number 3. At the end, (when person number 10 had had a chance), the remaining Kisses would be doubled and they could start all over again. In replication after replication, the jar was empty and person number 10 didn't get any Kisses. In fact in most cases only a few people per group got ANY kisses.

If they had used their brains EVERYBODY could have had unlimited Kisses. It's not a hard concept to grasp. If there were 40 kisses and 10 students everybody could take two Kisses each time. That would leave 20 Kisses at the end, which would be doubled to 40 and they could do it again. Why did NONE of the groups do things the smart way?

It seems to me that the Kisses kids and to the Pogo people were the kind of folks who don't want to be rich, they want to be THE RICHEST. Even if they are relatively poor, but they are richer in comparison to most, they prefer that to being equally very very rich. Does anybody else see how sad this is?

And to make things even worse, after every game of bingo in pogo, the winner is congratulated and often before the game people wish the others good luck. Could they be any more PHONY??? In fact I have been in rooms where people have won and been congratulated and not thanked the congratulator for his/her phoniness. The results were horrific! That person is slagged for being ignorant, not having good manners, and even, (the height of irony), being selfish!

I wonder if any of the Kisses kids who ended up with zilch congratulated the greedy little bastards who were eating their ill-gotten chocolate. Were they rude for not doing so? I think not. If the exercise were repeated and a kid who had nothing the first time got a low number the second time, even knowing how much it sucks to get no chocolate, would they try to conserve Kisses or would they do the same thing as the greedy kids in the first exercise?

When I'm playing bingo on pogo I never call bingo first. I sometimes get bingo but wait till I can take at least one other person with me. And I don't congratulate single bingos. I only congratulate the second or third etc. bingoers. And for this people think I'm an asshole. Am I a Commie? A jerk? An asshole? Or maybe I should just not waste my time and energy complaining like this, close my eyes and drift into a lovely, dreamy, ignorant sleep and have my body snatched.